Cleaning out the queue, again

Haven't shoved cinematic tastes down the goats throat for a few months, so as always these are films sent to me via the mail. Good thing I don't live in this neighborhood. Putting this together is a better use of my time than watching trailers for summer movies, that's for sure? Owen Wilson is ... MARMADUKE.

Spirited Away
Oh Hayao Miyazaki, your animated films delight the imaginations of children and immature adults alike. This one is about some girl who starts working at a bathhouse for the spirit world after her parents are turned into pigs. Also there is a character called "No-Face" and dragons and these three green heads that hop around and make amusing "hut, hut, hut" noises, and a giant baby that is transformed into a rodent.

The Brothers Bloom
This is the second feature from the guy that directed Brick. Solid if not spectacular, Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo are brothers and con men on a globe-crossing scam to steal from chainsaw-juggling heiress Rachel Wiesz. It's got wacky dialogue.

Up
Another delightful children's tale, about aging and death. But! Talking dogs.

Let the Right One In
This is a kind of cult hit, about a bullied kid in Sweden who makes friends with the girl emasculated boy next door who also happens to be a vampire. Bleak and creepy and the climactic scene is out of nowhere bonkers.

Up in the Air
Maybe you heard of this one? George Clooney is a professional dude who lays people off, and basically lives in airports/hotels/planes. Pretty marginal I thought.

Trailer Park Boys
This is a Canadian television show, mockumentary-style like The Office. Ricky and Julian are the main characters who get into various white-trash type hijinks like getting shot by 7-year-olds and drinking and doing drugs constantly.

Nashville
I seriously spent the last half-hour scouring the internet in vain for picture of Jeff Goldblum's character, the magic-performing Tricycle Man.. What the fuck internet, I hate you. This is an Altman film with about 10 different plotlines revolving around the country music scene and politics and whatnot.

Princess Mononoke
Another one from Miyazaki. Pig demons v. Wolf demons is a classic matchup.

Network
The prescience of this movie (Howard Beale=Glenn Beck)is both creepy and ubiquitous, in just about any mention of it anywhere, so I'm not going to rehash it. Also this is where that "rubble of banality" thing up top is from.

Black Dynamite
"Ha ha. I threw that shit before I entered the room."
Seriously, you need to fucking see this post-haste. And also click this link.

Equilibrium
This is a Matrix-ripoff with Christian Bale playing some sort of "Gun Kata" master supercop living in an dystopian future where emotion is illegal and suppressed with drugs. Only he misses a dose and starts FEELING THINGS like maybe we shouldn't senselessly execute innocent dogs. Which doesn't sit well with Taye Diggs character, being anti-dog murder. Gun Kata is a made up martial art with guns (duh).

Surfwise
Entertaining documentary about some guy that traveled around California with his wife and 8 kids in a Winnebago, raising his family off the grid as surfers. Despite this seemingly perfect upbringing some of the guy's progeny develop various problems and estrangements as adults.

Extract
Latest from Mike Judge. It's no Office Space.

Zombieland
This movie was good, but I am rapidly boring myself in putting this post together. Sorry Zombieland, no more thought for you!

True Romance


Zero Effect
Just did an image search for this and stumbled across some blog that says Tropic Thunder "ought to earn Oscar nominations for Stiller in the direction and screenwriting categories" and I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Tropic Thunder was funny yeah, but that is absurd and a reminder of the futility of writing for the Internet, because everyone has an opinion and most of them are wrong. Which is to say I don't remember anything about Zero Effect. Bill Pullman?

Moon
Good sci-fi with Sam Rockwell as an astronaut living on the moon. OR IS HE?

Funny People
I thought this was funny. Kind of underrated?

In the Loop
Simon Foster: Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight
Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited
Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?
Judy: You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker: Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
Judy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.

District 9
Apartheid allegory with shrimp aliens.

That's it. Fuck you and fuck this post.
No sorry, I didn't mean that. What I meant to type was fuck you and fuck this post. Dammit.

RIP Dio

In this time of great loss, please spare a moment to put presumably the the Philadelphia area's, nay, the world's most important Dio fan in your thoughts. I'm talking about Pat Burrell of course, because "Holy Diver" was his walking-to-the-plate music. This did more for the regional popularity of "Murray" the demon-monster than anything else ever. As if you didn't already know that.

This is the stuff that dreams are made of

Here's some news you can use: The Europa League final is today, according to poorly translated websites that I have been searching in attempts to find out when it happens (now?) and if it is on television or streaming anywhere. ESPN Pacific Rim! The Europa League! It's like the Champions League except mediocre. Fulham or Atletico Madrid to be crowned in the Not-Quite-Champions League. A battle for the ages, it truly promises to be. The American sports equivalent of winning Europa League is like a college football team winning a second tier bowl game a weird sponsor? Or perhaps like a boy in Nazi Germany who conceals his Jewishness by joining the Hitler Youth? No?

edit: It's on GolTV, of course!

A paragraph from the first chapter of Moby Dick

What of it, If some old hunks of a sea-captain orders me to get a broom and sweep down the decks? What does that indignity amount to, weighed, I mean, in the scales of the New Testament? Do you think archangel Gabriel thinks anything less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that instance? Who ain't a slave? Tell me that. Well, then, however the old sea-captains may order me about—however they may thump and punch me about, I have the satisfaction of knowing it is all right; that everybody else is in one way or another served in much the same way—either in a physical or metaphysical point of view, that is; and so the universal thump is passed around, and all hands should rub each other's shoulder-blades, and be content.

-posted because old hunks of sea-captain ordered it so.
Now this is happening. I was going to do a book club type post with "actual thought expressed on a blog" and "asking for input on what might be a good follow-up book for Infinite Jest" but fuck man quoting Melville is way easier and less productive. Plus Inherent Vice was a good follow-up (Pynchon-lite!), and finishing IJ has cleared fears of other intimidating reads, besides the bible, probably.

Anyway, here is a tangible highlight of said post as it existed in my brain.

Breaking News: This video exists

Vomit a wedding? That's just absurd.

This is gonna be the best movie based on a fake trailer in another movie ever

Lapitas! Lindsay Lohan as a murderous Nun! Robert de Niro for some reason! Chain gun attached to a motorcycle!

Here's an idea for a project

It's called "Jane and Jane" and the two primary characters are dumpy, post-menopausal women who work in an office. The narrative arc consists entirely of our two characters transferring calls back and forth between each other in a spiraling nightmare of whiny bewilderment and confusion. It ends with an off-screen voice screaming "For the love of God will you shut the fuck up." Either that or a hail of bullets. In no way is this based on real events.

Charlie Brooker is killing it

As evidence: This video from at least a year ago.


Possibly related: I did not hear about this "bomb scare" in New York on Saturday night until this morning while catching up on the weekend headlines for work. Maybe you didn't either? I was so close to it (via geography) all weekend, yet nary a peep. So yeah, New Yorkers don't give a fuck about there possibly being a fireball in Times Square. At least the ones who hang chairs from the walls as an interior design choice (more on that later).

Input requested?

I'm high-tailing it out of town Saturday, to the New York, despite/because of various events slash party type things that are happening around here. To avoid them. Plus, if you have the opportunity to visit a city that smells very much like garbage the first weekend of the year that the temperature could creep into the 90s, you gotta do it ho ho!

I am considering going to the Tribeca Film Festival while there, because I like movies, and why not? These are the options of what to see, based on time restraints:Metropia, Freakonomics, Spork, or The Trotsky. Any advice? Thoughts? Concerns? There is everything from animated Swedish sci-fi noir to hermaphroditic outcasts redeemed through booty-poppin' dance moves to the reincarnations of legendary Communist leaders to examinations of corruption in sumo wrestling. Also there's this one that says mature audiences only, which intrigues me of course.

To difficult for me to decide really, I'll probably just bike around Central Park a bunch in leiu of picking one(Vidal Sassoon The Movie?). But hey please offer your opinion on what I should do, so I can dismiss and ridicule it when I get back and put something up here about whatever the hell happens this weekend. This is participatory journalism! Plus if anything goes terribly wrong then I can look at your not-so-sage-in-retrospect advice and pass the buck on consequences of my actions.

Don't listen to me BTW

After I wrote that post below, which may or may not have made salient points about valuing one's entertainment-viewing experience and not wasting time on drivel, I spent much of the afternoon watching this video. It's disturbing, yet I can't look away. Does it really need to be nearly seven minutes long? Probably not! The baby's legs are like rubber!

No accounting for taste

A couple weekends back I was at a collegiate-style "house party" at my house, and someone put on Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" and I had no fucking clue what it was. My fellow party-goers incredulity could have been embarrassing (FOR THEM) when I asked "Who sings this song?" but I saved face by mumbling something about not listening to popular music, doing 3 or 4 shots of spiced rum in succession and then going outside and smashing wicker furniture in the street.

Interpersonal skills aside, this little episode made several things clear. Let's not focus on those, and instead get into murky thoughts on high v. low culture. Perhaps they will become less murky via this post? Doubtful. Most of the widely-disseminated shit this days is just that. How much thought does watching 'Dancing with the Stars' require? Seriously, I'm asking. How about a little fucking nuance, Tom Bergeron. With near infinite entertainment options these days, its like important to not waste to much time on brainless observing.



I think this is why a show like Lost has some appeal (you knew I'd get there eventually). A lot of it is obvious and stupid and fun to mock, but at least there are obscure parallels between threads of storyline and whatnot. There is some attempt to examine the big questions -- fate v. free will, good v. evil and the like. Sawyer's pretty much a nihilist, which is cool for him. These are some of the reasons why you can't dismiss arguments that Lost is the best show ever on network television out of hand, even though the argument is provably wrong.

The point I may or may not be making is that culture that makes you think=good, brainless tedium=bad. Talk about burying the lead. And also that what is popular is the tedium, because people are dumb. Oh yeah, this post is really coming together now. Elitism and misanthropy, two personality traits I often hide/express via smashing things. Of course there is also something to be said for simpler pleasures, as long as you only enjoy them ironically and or via schadenfreude or they are made by Pixar.

Things I don't care for/about today

Polls
Televised dancing ability
The word "dramedy"
Hockey
The Pope
Icelandic volcanoes, and Iceland in general probably
Snake hunting
The GUNZ R GAY stencil on the lightpost near my house
Rod Blagojevich
Skateboarders
Danielle Steel
'Spartacus' on StarZ (Oh yeah you heard me Sean)
Those clowns in Washington
Leeks
William T. Vollman in drag
The PDF file format
Making this list
7-Eleven brand premium beer at a below premium price

Mocking Creed is Highly Enjoyable

I've got 6 weeks left in Africa and I have basically written off work at this point. Most of my days involve watching pirated DVDs, reading blogs, going to the casino to play hold em, and keeping boda robert, my motorcycle taxi pre-rolled j delivery man in a job. Today I was treated to a video via Ufford's blog. Enjoy.

Fireball!

As loathsome as I may find this place/the guy who cut me off and nearly killed me this morning, at least isn't Trenton, N.J. Thank you Trentonian, for providing me with a bike-rage assuaging chuckle. I especially enjoy the complete lack of context, unless the "Grade School Sex Shock" somehow caused the fireball? Perhaps turning to page "p3" for more information is implied ... even though there is no indication that isn't just a stray left there by the page designer, from this perspective. Anyway.

It runs in the family

"What have you done for feminism lately?"

-the sister, to some decked-out skank at the bar during a night this past weekend when the word party was used as a verb, repeatedly. I found it wildly hilarious. Take that, you cheese-faced bitch! In any case, my sibling's little bon mot was better received than my loud, way-to-detailed descriptions of Accomplice! probably. I don't really remember.

Backwash

See, now I'm looking at that rant from earlier this week and thinking it is embarassing. Stupid brain, so petulant. As a way of amends making, here is a video of some tubby chick grinding on a guy in a hoverround at a Phillies game.



Well. Clearly its no threesome with two black prostitutes at the same time* but I'm not going to look for anything remotely resembling that on youtube right now. Also. I was looking back in the archives for something good and Phillies related - perhaps you would be interested in it? No? Well fuck you here's stuff anyway.

Odds on World Series MVP. I was right!

This photo was something I made. Shark messiah! I forget why. Probably sad about the 10,000th loss.



Or how about this one, where I learn important life lessons about heckling white baseball players or something. Dammit, where is that one where I took a picture of a retarded Mets fan. Oh here it is.

This is way easier that trying to come up with something new, that's for sure. Plus like half the things on here in the summer months have at least some Phillies non sequitor, ie BAAHHHHHHH JOE BLANTON.

Not to say I don't have any ideas for goats bait, but I'm just lazy/hungover/busy/there's soccer on/some new Netflix just arrived/excuse du jour. Also I need someone to take pictures of me running over my phone with my bike. Using the timer option on the camera is too tricky, I've found. So for now, I'll just quote myself out of context. So meta!

Some "baseball purists" might say that fan interference ruins the sport, that the players on the field should determine the result. Pffft, gay. The real problem with this idea is that some might hesitate to part with their $7 beers. But in reality, isn't $7 a small price to pay for the respect of your peers and the broadcast television audience? If there's any genuine truth in this world, it's that everyone loves someone who disrupts a sporting event. Also if you drink half the beer first it mitigates some of the cost, without significant lessening of the projectiles soaking ability.

*Which I have been informed is every man's dream.

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

GOD DAMMIT. IF YOU PRINT OUT ONE MORE FUCKING E-MAIL AND HAND IT TO ME I AM GOING TO CRUMPLE IT UP AND CRAM IT RIGHT DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT. FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE MAN. THERE IS A THING, IT IS CALLED THE FORWARD BUTTON. IT IS COMMON ON MANY IF NOT ALL E-MAIL PROGRAMS! AND ANOTHER THING OF WHICH YOU ALSO LIKELY ARE NOT AWARE: I WAS SENT THE ORIGINAL E-MAIL. ALTHOUGH I SUPPOSE IF YOU STILL PRINT OUT E-MAILS AND DISTRIBUTE THEM BY HAND YOU CAN'T REALLY BE BLAMED FOR NOT CHECKING WHO WAS CARBON COPIED OR WHO IS LISTED IN THE RECIPIENTS FIELD, YOU DUMB FUCKING LUDDITE BASTARD. OH, WHAT'S THIS? ANOTHER EDITOR JUST FORWARDED ME THE EXACT SAME E-MAIL. IT IS OF CRITICAL IMPORTANCE THAT I DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION POST FUCKING HASTE, APPARENTLY. THIS LITTLE EPISODE COULD VERY WELL BE USED AS AN EXAMPLE OF THE TYPES OF HURDLES A NEWSPAPER COMPANY MUST FACE AS IT ATTEMPTS A TRANSITION TO A FUTURE IN MULTI-MEDIA. DEAR GOD FUCK YOU ALL I HATE MONDAY.

Here's a picture I saw on the internet

From left to right, what the dudes are thinking at this exact moment:

Keep it level.

Go!

Look at that fucking turtle. hehheh.

This is truly the culmination of my life's work.

The turtle is either thinking "Weeee" or "Oh Shit" depending on how it lands.

Cat with hands

Not to be confused with Birds with arms of course. Cats with hands, way worse. And yeah, I linked to the that thread before, probably. Fuck you.

pertinent edit: The video is gone, if you want to see it google cat with hands, it's on youtube

Here is a music video

A blatant ripoff of the Smack My Bitch Up vid, or an homage? I report, you decide. Warning: Don't click that link around authority figures.

Possible prank idea?

I'm not exactly sure how an 'Old Gregg' themed prank would work, but it would certainly include screaming 'I HAVE A MAN-GINA' repeatedly in a public place.

Here's some half-baked philosophizing

"My president is black. My lambo's blue."

I had this idea for a post a couple weeks back, possibly while high or riding my bike (not mutually exclusive). "Things, man. We're surrounded by stuff, and that ends up defining us, man," I said to myself in Tommy Chong's voice. No? Well to put it another way, certain items are what best describes yours truly. If I were to abducted by aliens/Mexicans/both and they forced me via technical interview to tell them what I derive the most enjoyment from, these are the like results, in physical form. Also a possible the answer to the question, "When did you realize you might be a hipster?"



Materialism. The only thing that exists is matter. Value, and values formed, by associating oneself with the doodads in life. There is nothing intrinsically bad about this. Being able to acquire some happiness from stuff around you can be a good, simple way to maintain a basic level of mental alacrity and health. At least that's what I think. As a specific example: After a particularly stressful day work, one where the Internet becomes less of a tool and more gaping maw filled with gears and angry illiterates for teeth, that stuff pictured is a kind of balm, for the brain. Even changing a flat tire on the bike is enough sometimes.

I'm not one of those hippy-dippy fucks that says shit like "Kill your television" or whatever (at least not while sober). I actually like technology most weeks. But that's not to say materialism can't be carried to dangerous (American?) extremes through status as competition, keeping up with the Joneses, and so forth. Which brings us to that quote up top. Really Young Jeezy? Hey, rapping about the first African-American president, and the next thing you need to mention is your exotic Italian car? Perhaps its folly to look to a piece of culture that includes a lyric about emailing Jesus (and forwarding to Moses and CCing Allah. So relevant!) as precedent for an argument.

And once again the attempted shoehorning in of cocaine rap* has driven a post here off into strange territory. My point as it stood was that forming attachments to and using objects in one's life is not necessarily a bad thing, but taken too far and you can end up writing a rap song with unfortunate lyrics. Or to put it into a movie quote ... the things you own end up owning you. Brad Pitt said that, and he was just a figment of Ed Norton's imagination. A life of the mind, so it makes sense that he would have a anti-materialist message.

*Blame gifs of popular rappers, probably

5 years dead

In college we used to joke about the "newly dead" versus the "oldly dead" or "freshly dead" or whatever the hell else adjectives of time we could come up with drunkenly to describe those who had passed on. It would make a good web site, even today. Mitch Hedberg is medium-rarely dead.

From the comments

The goats have been slacking off, having meetings about the future of newspapers (bleak), eating cans and what not. But fortunately for those of you who want a new post, Dan offered this video in the comments and I just got back from happy hour. It deserves a view I think, if only because one of my dreams is someday doing a story about a hooved animal that surfs. You win this round, South America. Also who doesn't like the phrase "peruvian surfer." The list of animals he has seen surf is impressively hilarious.

The existential dilemma of the Cornell bear

Look at that bear. So fucking pissed. A berth in the sweet sixteen is no consolation for him. He's all like "Get this goddamn giant C off of me. I find it constricting!" Or maybe he's like "Ge da fuck away fo ma C! It mines." And in case you couldn't tell in the second scenario the bear has a West Philly accent. Either way the bear is frustrated with it's existence, trapped and/or defending a giant red letter C.

And before you get all up in my face in the comments, like "Dude, why you repping Cornell?" "PAC-10 rulz, Ivy League droolz!" (don't deny these were your initial sentiments) keep in mind that I merely enjoy looking at that bear, and laughing at it because it can't get to me with an albatross of a giant letter around its neck (also: imaginary). A scarlet letter, even. Levels!

Pigeons don't have ears

And its a good thing too! Because "competitive pigeon racing" exists and Mike Tyson is involved in some official capacity via reality show. Fun fact: Tyson got into boxing after fighting to defend his beloved childhood pigeon pets, it has been reported. And now he takes that lifelong love of sky-rats to Animal Planet.

I think if there is one word I could use to describe this ... wait, what is this exactly? Grotesque. I didn't even make up that part about the pigeon-defense spurring Tyson's boxing career. It was from a press release/blog, in which an Animal Planet media rep (who I assume also wrote the release) says things like "Tyson’s passion for his pigeons takes my breath away" and that pigeons are the "king of the bird world" for their trainers. No doubt these pigeon fans will be watching in slow motion.

Call it the "lagniappe effect"

One thing that I think is unique to this internetted age, and possibly also unique to my perspective, is how one will find some weirdly amazing site/blog/content online and check back on it obsessively for a while, look up the creators on facebook, do assorted google image searches if they are female (creepy!) and basically stalk the shit out of them in the form of consuming everything visual and aural and sometimes via touch in as short a time as possible. Then later the engrossment trails off and you forget to look at whatever it was for months. Drug related?

But then later still you remember it suddenly, and its like hey, wonder if that weirdo has any new content. And sometimes they do and you are amused/once again enjoy life for several seconds until the attention drifts elsewhere, like Human Taxidermy Services. Poses? But the point is when you go back and see if there is new content after several months of lying fallow and not looking/forgetting it existed, and there is a whole slew of new things there, its fun and almost like a gift for your mind. And unexpected free gifts are the best.

IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS THAT AFFECTS MY LIFE AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE ABOUT: The bossman who started following me on the twitter just got shit-canned. This was the reason for its swift abandonment (It had nothing to do with laziness) (at all). Oh happy days are here again. There is much rejoicing and dancing in my brain in the form of an recalled image of an old black-and-white cartoon of a cow. And now I'm doing a jig. Literally jigging right now. Sucks for that guy though, the guy that was canned. Time to pawn the Lincoln Navigator.

Anyway. I wonder if there is some "real world" equivalent (or as the kids say: IRL) to that phenomenon I was describing above where you stumble back upon a thing you once liked but forgot about on the Internet. Except that thing had changed/grown slightly. It is thrilling in a way. Like if you had a girl that you forgot existed and then ran into her in the street decided to meet up for drinks at a dive bar and hooked up but she had a new tattoo or had a tattoo slightly altered? These are the things that run through my head it's sunny out. Tacos! No wait, Victory!

Ben Linus, on the nose

Ominous shrubs. That's what I thought of while watching Lost the other day, during the scene where Linus gets seduced by the sweet ankle restraint removing powers of the smokey/evil Locke. It seems a bit stupid now, in hindsight, probably because it is no longer taco tuesday. The blood should be riddled with both booze and mexican food for optimal Lost viewing, I have found through rigorous research. Double blind studies and so on. I think that focusing on the Locke concealing bushes (I'm just going to call him Locke, fuck it) was due to how stupidly obvious and on the nose everything had seemed to that point. And they looked scary and/or smoke-like? I don't know.

Meanwhile, in an alternate reality: Linus is a history teacher, under the thumb of Principal "Jerkass Newsguy from Die Hard" who makes him monitor detention despite his Ph.D. It's enough to make a pathetically single man just puke! Also there was the actress who played his daughter now as a student who is trying to get into Yale and blah blah blah this plotline was limp, except for the part with the always popular double reverse blackmail from Principal Dickless. It was also indicative of the island's powers, e.g. making Linus's daughter no longer his daughter, genetics be damned.

More entertaining was when Jack went all zen-crazy and was like, "There's no way this old-ass dynamite will blow us up because we are destined to do something in regards to the future and also pertaining to the island and Jacob, most likely. Also the smoke monster." This new faith-inspired yet still recklessly impulsive Jack is intriguing, despite the failure of the explosive suicide pact. He saw his childhood home! I did like the part when Richard fondled those slave chains though. Because it inferred his former slaveness -- which he escaped into another form of slavery, this time to the island, via Jacob touching. This show is mad deep, yo.

now point to where Jacob touched you

But boy did does this show lay it on thick sometimes. Lecturing about Napoleon's exile and quest for power, ON AN ISLAND? Subtle. Locke encouraging Ben to act out and make a play for principal? Ben's infirm dad wondering what would have happened if they had just stuck it out with the old Dharma Initiative? There are levels here people. This thing is mildly similar and comparable to that thing! ESOTERIC.

Lingering questions:
What was the deal with that shovel Linus was using to dig his own grave? Could it be more ineffective?
Will I ever delve into whole the "fate v. free will" theme after it got spiked from this post?
How did Ana Lucia Ilana separate the Jacob-derived ash from the other ash in the firepit? A strainer of some sort?
Where the fuck is Sawyer?

Do you realize??

Today I learned this is the official rock song of the state of Oklahoma, which was confusing until I realized Flaming Lips are from there. I also realized that I'd like to see them in concert, The Flaming Lips. They are playing Fourth of July in AC, anyone interested? Shit you could just gamble the whole time if you wanted.

A Lost post is lurking, and also sprawling and nonsensical (can you do any less?). And I need to get some art for it. So it would have been up today but for those issues. Also, I had to build a blog for work called "A Day in the Life of a Sexologist" and that took up a good part of the day, what with the coordinating with the sexologist and whatnot. She majored in sexology. It's definitely not a made up term I once saw used in the Weekly World News. Blogtown!

These things

These are the crucial types of items that might have been posted to the twitter, if I didn't beat it over the head and knees with an iron pipe and then stomp on it with my handy jackboots. I think it fled to Venezuela after that. This was because of all of your advice, so thanks.

First, one more Oscar-related thingy ... the best films never nominated for any Oscar at all since 1980. I don't really know/care if it is "correct" or not, but hey it's interesting to briefly consider and then discard at the least.

Russia's angriest newspaper? Of course Taibbi is involved.

Fucking Lawyers. So arrogant.

And in conclusion how bout a Sabotage-Battlestar combination, until it gets removed due to numerous copyright violations? Can't stand it, ya know I planned it, etc. etc. etc.

This is about the Oscars

I don't think its any secret that movies can be worthwhile. Not all of course, but media made for a huge screen with crazy sound quality is not a bad idea in this post 9/11 world. "Once upon a time in Nazi-Occupied France" is a thing now because Quentin Tarantino is huge nerd. I'm no authority, but I do prefer my history in film form. As many once said somewhere, at some time, probably, "I like what I like." Or maybe it was "There's no accounting for taste."

But really -- the one thing that you should seek out for sure is animated short winner "Logorama" which I saw while back when it made a cameo on Vimeo. Vimeo Cameo. Maybe you haven't heard of this one? A Ronald McDonald goes on a violent criminal rampage taking Big Boy hostage and getting chased by Michelin Men who are performing in a cop-like capacity. Also there is an earthquake. Literally the entire movie is trademarks, I'm glad I saw it because it comes across as near straight Capitalist Samizdat*.



Additional comment:

Good that Hurt Locker beat Avatar. The only criticism I've read of Hurt Locker is that its an unrealistic depiction of war, what with the small number of characters diffusing deadly bombs in set pieces. This is like criticizing Point Break because of the surfing/skydiving scenes. So in other words, a stupid and without merit argument to make about a fictional movie. There have been many criticisms levied at Avatar -- like how its a FernGully rip off and dizzying and how it made billions of dollars and is long. I haven't seen a Cameron movie since True Lies and I'd like to keep it that way.

Also, its a crime the Black Dynamite wasn't recognized.

*This is likely IJ-influenced hyperbole, because Logorama's on iTunes.

A lost post, as demanded by two people who comment

Happy now? And thanks for all the twitter advice you good for nothing pieces of garbage. Maybe later today there will be something about the Oscars (Avatar sux). Cross your fingers.

I posit this to you good sirs

So I have a bit of a problem. A conundrum that has vexed me for the past week and precluded output here. The gist is this: My boss of bosses at work is now following the twitter feed I made a while back. The one over there on the right (until I take it down). Which obviously has nothing to do with work, except that maybe it was made out of professional curiosity. How the fuck he determined it to be me anyway? Did he even look at the page, with its squid-blasty goodness? This remains unexplained and I sure as hell ain't asking.

Now, maybe you are wondering why the hell I would care if this authority figure (who is a creationist, apparently, and doesn't believe in dinosaurs we joke) follows my twatting or whatever the cool thing to call it is. To that I say: Shut the fuck up you neophyte bastard. In case you hadn't noticed, I tend to use this blog, which has mercifully remained anonymous, and later the twitter for "creative content" that wouldn't fly at a community newspaper. For pop-culture comparison, it's like when Relationship George and Independent George are forced together.

So I've been mulling my options, none of which are post things on there while drunk, my previous secret to future success. No, the options are thus; a: block this man, possibly forcing a some sort of reckoning, b: deletion, c: abandonment. I put it to you, literate reader -- what is the best option? If you put the solution well it may be referred to at an upcoming "content conference" that I will be attending in 2 weeks as some sort of corporate stooge.

Ha ha, jive turkeys

5 things I enjoyed about this movie:

"Your knowledge of scientific biological transmogrification is only outmatched by your zest for kung-fu treachery."

Roscoe's Chili and Donuts

That everyone calls the hero "Black Dynamite" in full throughout the film

"No! Not the orphans!"

The mocking self-aware tone

Everyone should see this

Because it is a metaphor?

It's a trick, get an axe

"Axe to the chest! Axe to the chest! Axe to the chest! Axe to the chest! Yeahwooooooooo!"
-yours truly

I don't know if its ever come up before, but I am shamelessly pro axe in media. Axe Cop for example. So when feral Claire started sharpening one on "Lost" last night, it was so exciting I started yelling loud enough for my landlord/neighbor to hear. It's OK though cause I got him drugs one time. Also: A giant goat(?) skull in a baby carriage is a normal thing to have, if you are fucking crazy and your friend is a giant evil pillar of smoke. That was a dark scene, and one that intrigues me. Are there any other main guys still at the temple? Methinks some smoky/axe mayhem may be afoot.

Skullfur baby!

Later due to drunken fumbling of my remote while fast forwarding through the commercials, I thought that Jack and Hurley went into a magical lighthouse, where they found a piano recital. But that would be too Lynchian of a scene, even for this show. Lost isn't Muhlholland Dr. even if it does make about the same amount of sense. So there was some number mumbo-jumbo so Jack goes all "My childhood home? Greagh, stupid island! I smash mirrors now!" and then stares out to sea/reflects on what he has learned/meditates on his unborn teenaged child. Spoiler alert.

Lingering questions:
What's the body count going to be next week?
Screencaps from Hulu Y/N?
Perhaps a Dingo took Claire's baby?

"The Wire" characters in order

Stringer Bell
Cedric Daniels
Bubbles
Omar Little
Frank Sobotka
Ellis Carver
Preston "Bodie" Broadus
Clay Davis
Jimmy McNulty
Howard "Bunny" Colvin
D'Angelo Barksdale
Rhonda Perlman
Brother Mouzone
Norman Wilson
Dennis "Cutty" Wise
Jay Landsman
Wee-Bey Brice
Tommy Carcetti
Gus Haynes
Felicia "Snoop" Pearson
Clarence Royce
Slim Charles
Bill Rawls
Marlo Stanfield
Bunk Moreland
"Proposition" Joe Stewart
Thomas "Herc" Hauk
Michael Lee
Roland "Prez" Pryzbylewski
Avon Barksdale
Namond Brice
Maurice Levy
Duquan "Dukie" Weems
Scott Templeton
Ziggy Sobotka
Kima Greggs
Randy Wagstaff
Ervin Burrell
Lester Freamon
Chris Partlow
Donut
James Whiting
Brianna Barksdale
Nick Sobotka
Nerese Campbell
Melvin "Cheese" Wagstaff
Wallace
Marcia Donnelly
Mike Fletcher
Sergei "Serge" Malatov
Theresa D'Agostino
De'Londa Brice
Stanislaus Valchek
Johnny Weeks
Alma Gutierrez
David Parenti
Leander Sydnor
Roger Twigg
Odell Watkins
Coleman Parker
Albert Stokes
The Greek
Beadie Russell
Walon
Butchie
Grace Sampson
Andy Krawczyk
"Monk" Metcalf
Anthony Gray
Daniel Phelan
Thomas Klebanow
Sherrod
Bird
Eddie Walker
Ilene Nathan
Jeff Price
The Deacon
Spiros "Vondas" Vondopoulos
Kenard
Rupert Bond
Squeak
Bernard
Jen Carcetti
Gary DiPasquale
Terrence "Fitz" Fitzhugh
Michael Crutchfield
Damien Price
Zenobia Dawson
Anthony Collichio
Savino Bratton
Bill Zorzi
Malik "Poot" Carr
Edward Norris
Dennis Mello
Old Face Andre
Michael Steintorf
Vernon Holley
Wendell "Orlando" Blocker
Michael Santangelo
Bobby Brown
Stinkum
Thomas "Horseface" Pakusa
Shaun "Shamrock" McGinty
Darnell Tyson
Eunetta Perkins
Amanda Reese
Kenneth Dozerman

This took a long time/likely there are some minor omissions.

Don't judge

OK, I may take some heat for this from those who hate on the hipsterishness of certain things posted on here. But honestly, whatever, I can take it (and later weep silently to myself).

This past weekend I was in Brooklyn, where I attended a live reading of an interpretation of a Lewis Carroll poem. This was not my reason for going there, but the opportunity presented itself. It was "The Hunting of the Snark" adapted by some girl and performed by a group of 7 people or so, including not one but two narrators. One of the narrators also played the Snark I think. Needless to say it was hard to follow. The Beaver was hilarious.

Another possibly relevant fact -- the "performance" was in some house in Brooklyn Heights, which is a particularly tony section of the borough, known for the prevalence of tiny dogs wearing coats. It's no Bushwick, suffice it to say.

At one point while everyone was milling around drinking wine out of paper cups I overhead some presumably tweed-wearing guy* say "This is such a New York thing to do!" I was disgusted/amused by this, a feeling which I struggled to conceal from the harsh-faced girl I was talking to. She expressed a similar, condescending thought to me when I informed her of the population of the town in which I live (est. 20,000).

The point is these are things people do for fun in New York City.

*He definitely had a beard.

News van!

So this was the video I showed the publisher of our newspaper today when he asked me how we should promote our new video initiative. He was impressed. Related: if any of you ever say the words "hyperlocal" or "blogtown" to my face there will be consequences, which you may or may not like depending on your level of masochism. Vent over.

The Winter Olympics: Now with extra treacle

So the Olympics are happening on television, and while I enjoy the sport aspect, I think all the extra stuff is giving me diabetes. You know what I'm talking about: Those gently-narrated Olympic moments™ brought to you by Tide detergent. Bob Costas or Jimmy Roberts are usually involved. While avoiding these monuments to the soft focus lens for the most part, I did see some Al Michaels interview with a short-track speed skater who cut his leg off with his skate in an accident 6 short months ago. I guess they sewed it back on and now he has an Olympic medal.

That said, things appeal to/cut through my sense of ironic detachment:

1. The opening ceremonies were hilarious. I mean, a snowboarder jumping through the Olympic rings? Extreme. Also good: The Olympic flag was carried out by Donald Sutherland, Anne Murray, Bobby Orr and an astronaut, among others. Canadian celebrities are so cute! Not too mention Wayne Gretzky and Steve Nash visibly squirming during the mechanical failure of the torch lighting. That kind of failure can only be soothed with a KD Lang rendition of Hallelujah.

2. The obscure "sports" that only surface every 4 years are the best. At one point the color announcer for something called Nordic Combined had some line like "All die-hard nordic-combined fans are absolutely riveted by this historic race" which was so patently ridiculous I can't even make fun of it. Well, maybe a little. Also, he went absolutely apeshit when the American won the silver medal. Like Gus Johnson on an eight-ball. I'm not sure which was more exciting: the photo-finish or gambling on whether or not that guy was going to stroke out. I look forward to more of that.

3. Bode Miller: Redeemed via shameful bronze. It was almost enough to get me to make a "Bode vs. Bodie" comparison here on this blog, between him and the character from The Wire. But that would have taken more effort/analysis than making an expository list. Effort is bad for "Team Apathy" of which both I and Bode Miller circa 2006 would probably be members, if anyone cared enough to create such a team. This is all a roundabout way of saying Bode Miller is my hero. Moving on.

4. When the girl mogulist (a word Y/N?) won Team America's first gold medal she said something about her goal coming to the games was "to be in an montage." The montage, which is perhaps most emblematic of the melodrama so common in Olympics TV coverage (and all sport for that matter). It makes me smile when this is acknowledged in a meta way (ie by a participant).

Finally, a few lingering questions:
Are the winter Olympics the coolest?
What is the weirdest/most obscure sport besides of course curling?
Who would win in a fight, Team Apathy or Team America?
What is the deal with that guy's hat?
When does the men's hockey start?

Friendly faces, everywhere

One thing I've noticed in the past five or six days is that 40-some inches of snow have made this town more of a comradeship. A nicer place to live. The number of hellos and even eye contact acknowledgements of my existence have at least tripled since Saturday. It's not clear why this is exactly, but I have theories.

The first is that Vermontesque weather is a kind of shared experience/hardship. It doesn't seem right to be an uncaring asshole just trying to get ahead when its totally shitty out. Plus the reminder that for all our technologies and cultural ephemera, old Mother Nature can still bring the pain, for lack of a better term. It's along the same lines as why hazing exists. This morning I walked around town shooting video of people shoveling back to their lives. Neighbors threw out their backs getting to their cars.

Wait for it ... Cars are to blame! Everyone is friendly because no one can drive anywhere. This weather has forced all but the snow-plow owning elite out of their cars and onto their feet, if they want to go places. Forced out of the glass and steel bubble and into face-to-face interaction, its actually kind of amazing how fast civility is restored. Granted, I have a somewhat warped perspective on this. Two years of interacting with cars as a person will do that. Dehumanizing. But the car-person dynamic is a topic for another day/non-internet writing.

Third theory: It's all just projection. It's possible that I am only recieving more positive vibes because I am sending more out. Because yeah, I am extremely happy about the snow. Records are awesome. Now no old people can talk shit about snow-related back in the day because this is the most snow in 150 years and no one is that old yet. But I can! Also there is schadenfreude in seeing everyone look pained while digging out. You know who wins when no one can drive? A man who never drives and wears waterproof boots.

So yeah, those are the theories. Proofs coming/not.

Have you heard it snowed a lot?

This is the kind of gripping video that defines production value/trained professional.

Book club: Endnote 304

Maybe book club isn't the best term for this, a drifting post about David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest, which I am reading. Because "book club" insinuates people, or at least more than one person, participating. So this is less book club, and more person reading a book, and then blogging about it. If we're calling a spade a spade, you know? Although maybe someone else has read this book and also this blog and can provide some comment. Yes/No/Maybe so?

I heartily recommend making the effort (and it is an effort), at this point of my being 150 pages into the 1097 or so total, including some 100 pages of endnotes. There are stumbling blocks, like the "Wardine/dopesick" sections, which switch over to a weird narrative voice that is like the dumbest of Youtube comments, without the L337. These sections vaguely remind me of the parts of Faulkner's As I Lay Dying that are narrated by Vardaman, the retard or whatever. I haven't read that shit since high school. But these narrators are not retarded, just drug addicts/residents of the projects.

Anyway: Endnote 304. It's about kids in Canada playing this game where they jump in front of approaching trains -- the winner is the last person to successfully cross the tracks in front the train safely. Actually, that's not exactly true -- the endnote (which is some 8 pages long) is about one character plagiarizing a scholarly work that describes the above game, as it pertains to the Quebec separatists. This takes place in the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarment. The plagiarizing, not the train jumping. Although maybe the train jumping still takes place in the Y. of the D.A.U., its not exactly clear at this point.

I felt guilty about reading this endnote, which was referred to in other endnotes but had not yet come in the actual text. So reading it, skipping ahead, felt like it was cheating somehow. Which is kind of a weird emotion to have about reading a book I own. But I was assuaged by various posts at Infinite Summer (a valuable resource), that said its no big deal to read 304, and that the narrator was telling us to read it by referring to it in the other endnotes. And now I am glad I read it, because the wheelchair assassins make more sense, at least in their origin.

In conclusion, a description of Cage III: Free Show, which is contained in the filmography of one James O. Incandenza, aka Endnote 24.

* B.S. Latrodectus Mactans Productions/Infernatron Animation Concepts, Canada. Cosgrove Watt, P.A. Heaven, Everard Maynell, Pam Heath; partial animation; 35 mm.; 65 minutes; black and white; sound. The figure of Death (Heath) presides over the front entrance of a carnival sideshow whose spectators watch performers undergo unspeakable degradations so grotesquely compelling that the spectators’ eyes become larger and larger until the spectators themselves are transformed into gigantic eyeballs in chairs, while on the other side of the sideshow tent the figure of Life (Heaven) uses a megaphone to invite fairgoers to an exhibition in which, if the fairgoers consent to undergo unspeakable degradations, they can witness ordinary persons gradually turn into gigantic eyeballs. INTERLACE TELENT FEATURE CARTRIDGE #357-65-65

edit: Upon rereading this post, I have come to realize it makes little to no sense outside of my own brain/the brain of someone who has also read this book. I would try and fix this post, by which I mean make it coherent, but that's impossible barring a red wine and quaalude bender. So read this book and then you will be privy to jokes about Interdependence Day and The Year of the trial-size Dove Bar and excessive use of acronyms. Also here's a DFW interview if you are interested.

The show of a thousand questions

As per request, here is a "humorous" take on the season premiere of LOST. Although I am hesitant to devote much time to writing about television, because, ugh, TV blogging. Hey look everyone, we watched the same show, and now we can talk about it in some sort of virtual water-cooler/comment section. A hearty congratulations to all for watching the same program that is beamed into our homes through cables and satellites. We have truly achieved something to be proud of: A shared experience through the miracle of modern technology!

Cynicism aside, LOST is one of those shows where a deconstruction can add value, or at least understanding. This particular post will likely do neither. But I'd much rather write about this, as opposed to something disposably wretched like "Jersey Shore" or "Hoarders," which are barely worth thinking about during viewing, let alone after the fact. No, LOST actually has something to it. Themes and such. Also it's plenty confusing/convoluted. This interactive timeline is handy in that respect.

So, we come to the episode. A quick disclaimer: Don't look to me for clues and facts about what is going on, plotwise. My knowledge of this show's mythology is spotty at best, considering I didn't watch most of seasons 3 and 4. If you want that, by all means, go read some other shit somewhere else. Lord knows it's out there. That is not to say there won't be SPOILERS below for people who care about such things. Anyway: The premiere starts right after last season's cliffhanger ending, with the aftermath of the flash that happened when Juliet decided that banging on a nuclear warhead with a rock was a good idea/would work out. But wait, it did work out, because now all the castaways are back on the plane and it doesn't crash!

But wait again, how is that possible? Because if they never crashed in the first place, then none of the time-travelly events that led to that nuke-smashing would have taken place. I smell paradox! So obviously the answer that this non-crash world is an alternate reality, where Jack and Locke form the natural friendship of a paraplegic and a spinal surgeon, forged through the mutual experience of lost luggage containing knives and dead father. Meanwhile, in the narrative where the plane still did crash, the "blow up electromagnetic energy" plan didn't work, shockingly, but still transported everyone back to the present? Although Juliet says it did work, and then promptly dies, presumably to return to her child-molesting/murdering ways back on the mainland (oh, a Running Scared reference, clearly necessary).

Which puts us where? The smoke monster in human form, then not, then again? Kate beating the hell out of some U.S. Marshall-type figure, and then going on the run, like Harrison Ford or dare I say Wesley Snipes? The two realities having vague, non-descript parallels, until somehow merging into one mid-season? Desmond popping up in random places/times, because the rules don't apply to him? Sawyer sounding suspiciously like the voice of the dog from A Boy and His Dog? Space coyote?

Tune in next week, when none of these questions will be answered, and 10 more will be introduced.

Movies are very important/serious

Those Hollywood taste-makers were in full affect this morning, with the announcing of the Oscar nominations. The Oscars are probably the second most important awards in the history of ever, just behind MacArthur Grants. So obviously I watched the live feed in here my cubicle. Anne Hathaway has an enormous mouth!

But that's neither here nor there ... this year there are 10 films up for best picture, in what some call the "Dark Knight" rule. Which means shit like "The Blind Side" and "District 9" are nominated this year. Nothing against District 9 of course, it was quite good. "The Blind Side" on the other hand? Throwing a bone to people who love them some Dancing With the Stars. Bear Jew!

But really the most exciting moment of anticipation is wondering how the hell they are going to try and show any pertinent clips from the best adapted screenplay nom "In the Loop" during the Oscar broadcast. Because there is a lot of awesome cursing, presumably a big reason for its nomination. For example "Fuckety Bye" which is how I always end conference calls at work now. Also: "I know you don't like cursing, you F, STAR, STAR, CUNT!" (paraphrased)

Hmmm, what other instantaneous analysis can I make without consulting/plagiarizing other blogs/twitter trending topics? Hurt Locker was awesome, and totally deserves to win all the awards/plaudits it can, especially over "Avatar" which I haven't seen but my dad said it made him nauseous, so obviously it sucks. Also, "Up In The Air," which I also haven't seen, is fucking dumb. That's my impression at least. If George Clooney came to my job to lay people off that would be kind of cool though I guess. It's no Michael Clayton as far as I'm concerned.

Heh

Stumbled across this article from 2005 about fraternities by Benoit Denizet-Lewis, which includes a little walk down memory lane.

Since 1997, the year I graduated, Northwestern has expelled five fraternities -- in cooperation with their national organizations -- for alcohol and hazing violations. The last casualty was Kappa Sigma, banished after its 2003 formal dance party at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago. In a gaffe almost too dopey to be believed, a Kappa Sigma brother dropped a flask into the aquarium's beluga whale tank. Already on probation for an alcohol-related incident that sent a pledge to the hospital, the fraternity was booted off campus by Northwestern administrators (it can petition to return in 2007), but not before the brothers could make going-away T-shirts. They read, "Kappa Sigma -- a Whale of a Good Time.

Arbitrary lists, reminiscing, links and a baby monkey

So I was doing a quiz on sporcle earlier today, as is my wont, Rolling Stones' top ranked songs of the decade, and found the weird mix of songs kind of hilarious, what with the juxtaposition of LCD Soundsystem and Kelis (also: Clipse/Dirty Projectors, and others). Sure Rolling Stone's attempting to stay hip in a world where its irrelevancy would still be increasing, if it were possible to divide by zero. That is to say, Rolling Stone's relevance these days is best measured in imaginary numbers. I mean, Randy fucking Newman? At number 28? IN A LIST OF SONGS FROM THE AUGHTS? Damn you to Taibbi!!

Faux-outrage to subjective lists notwithstanding, I scored about 45 out of 100 songs -- a high number, if percentiles in the "see how you did" link are to be believed. I might feel guilty knowing that I know so much about the "good" songs from the past decade in the opinion of whomever at RS made that list. I mean what an arbitrary thing to be good at, and not at all beneficial! But I usually own the quizzes on there anyway, what with my own user account and occasional comment. Never made a quiz though, maybe I'll try. Suggestions?

Off track, back to the RS list, because I feel like meta-enabling myself and whoever else has made it this far. A few things: 99 Problems and Crazy in Love were at the same time, which greatly inflates their ranking. I know this not because I read the Rolling Stone article corresponding with that quiz, because it is probably not online, and their website sucks so back I refuse to look. That was on Pitchfork, whose decade best of had a striking (or not) amount of redundancy with this list. Although since they are separate publications, I suppose you can't really blame them for that. Finally, all the best music from the past 10 years can be boiled down to parts of indie/alternative rock, electronic, and hip hop. So there's that.

Point: Few things make the passage of time sink in my brain like a few of the songs on there, Stan for instance. It's been 10 years since the Marshall Mathers LP, no wonder the world is fucking crazy. There was a track on there called Kill You for chrissakes. I remember driving around smoking trees in a Rocky Mountain Sports Magazine car, in Colorado, listening to songs on that list. Namely the above and Outkast. And then I went to Vail for free! Those were some halcyon days, that's for sure. Ignition Remix=slapping random ass at The Keg, anyone?

Anyway, enough navel-gazing (or shoe-gazing? terrible). Here are some links:::::

"Heavy Artillery" by George Saunders from the New Yorker

Crazy story about stray dogs in Moscow

Letter to the conservative movement, by a conservative with more obscure references than a Bill Buckley obituary.

And finally, this baby Gibbon.

Congratulations hicks

Maybe its wrong, perhaps elitist, to think that all Saints fans are like those depicted in the above video from earlier this season, getting out of pick-up trucks holding high-powered guns with which they plan to shoot expensive electronics in the face. Wouldn't Ignatius J. Reilly support the Saints?

Point: The average American football fan is not a pinnacle of culture and enlightenment. This is true of any team. Of course it would be folly to say that East Coast fans are somehow superior to those down in the Big Easy, or Midwest, or anywhere else. This is not my point. Football fans are lunatics, regardless of geography. If measuring fan cultures on sophistication, put football just above NASCAR, and certainly below rodeo.

Aside: I recently watched the film "Big Fan" which may be coloring my opinion of football fans darker than usual. The story, about an enormous Giants fan (Patton Oswalt) whose life revolves around calling into radio talk shows and sitting in the Meadowlands parking lot to watch his team on television, does not exactly show fandom in the best light. It's just pathetic, especially after Oswalt gets his ass kicked by his favorite player, in da club, as it were.

But that's fiction. By definition "not real." The real easy point is that Indiana and the South are both backwards and filled with hicks, all of whom likely support the regional professional sports team. So kudos to them.

Touch of swine

Yo, you fucks remember this thing like two years ago when we would do those "deathmatch listoffs" with subjective opinions on various cultural ephemera? Was that good times? I mean, it was a certainly a good way to build a community in theory I thought at the time. But not in practice, because let's be honest: The goats are not exactly on the radar of anything, despite THE definitive listing of stoner movies. In the end I think the whole list-off thing was just a way for the select few to be self-indulgent and maybe a word that means having poor taste that I can't think of right now because I am drunk and have swine flu probably. It starts with "a" ... fuck. Not asinine. Once again vocabulary lets me down. next day edit: The word was insipid! So I was wrong, but it did start with a vowel. Close enough.

Anyway, I think the point of this as it was started was that I wanted to list something, because I was listening to "Prison Sex" by Tool, which has an amazing opening bass riff. And I thought to myself, what are some of the other top riffs to start songs? Rock riffs: I have limited mental faculties at the moment because of the drinking and the swine flu. So this seemed like it might work, but unfortunately the only other song I could think of was "Blind" by Korn because they always open their sets with it and I thought I might die at Woodstock 99 when that happened. ARE YOU READY for a formative experience?

There is no way I can think of any other good openers at this time, but I don't want to just delete this little guy. So now I'm just going to listen to some Massive Attack, or something else with heavy bass, and reflect on all the things that have gone wrong, you could say, to put me in a place where I am sitting on an uncomfortable couch updating a long-running barely read blog on a Friday night. Drunk with swine flu (probably). Publish post.

Giant snails

Yeah, that's about it right now.

Get it?

An argument erupted last night during a discusion of the whereabouts and future of Sinclair, who has been been neither seen nor heard from since he was tased a few months back (I heard something along the lines of "erasing his past" whatever that means). This weirdo guy who writes an unsuccessful web-comic and wears Sarah Palin glasses was all in my face about how Sinclair was probably forced to join alcoholics anonymous by the court. Of course I called bullshit on this, because AA is a religious group (I think), and this would be a violation of church and state.

I don't care about accuracy, I said to myself. This is a matter of personal pride and I want to show this fuck up with vehement declaration of falsehoods, like making up several of the 12 steps to put this sucker in his place. But then the weirdo says he knows about it from personal experience, which was basically inferring that he was in AA. I'm not sure if it was court-mandated, because this made me want to end the argument right away. So I told the guy I didn't want to argue with him, and I left the bar.

Cleaning out the queue: Stasi edition

Haven't gone through the Netflix history in a while, so why not today? As always, these are actual DVDs that were sent to me through the mail. Not mentioned: This American Life, which I have been watching through the "watch it right on your computer" option. The Wiener Circle piece is a classic. Chocolate Shake! Terrible.


The Lives of Others
East Germany! Voyeurism! Two great tastes that go great together. But seriously, this movie is really, really good. It is subtle, and has subtitles, and gains momentum throughout, building to an outstanding payoff ending. You should probably watch it at your first opportunity. The best film on this list in my opinion.

Drag Me To Hell
Tightly-plotted horror story which doesn't need much explanation, as it's all right there in the title. I watched Sam Raimi's un-rated directors cut, for bonus grossness. Absurdly gross, really, is a old gypsy "gumming" attack on the protagonist necessary? Two times.

The Magic Christian
Dear God, Ringo Starr is a terrible actor. I assume this is what passed for "edgy" in the sixties. Pretty fucking stupid, the only thing that saves it is Peter Sellers. And John Cleese.

State of Play
This is basically newspaper journalism porn. Oh, Russell Crowe, look at you protecting your Capitol Hill sources from the evil young blogger, played by Rachel McAdams. But maybe she could teach you a few things you didn't know about the changing world of news! Not so fast there missy, this old dog might still have a few new tricks up his sleeve. Or in his notebook, as it were. Together, they might just make the perfect reporting team! Still -- there are good performances, which combined with a twisty plot makes for an enjoyable, if disposable viewing experience. Also: Ben Affleck for Congress?

Duplicity
Clive Owen and Julia Roberts as pathologically lying corporate spies. With a romantic past!

Thirst
This DVD was all scratched up, so I only watched the first 45 minutes or so. Unfortunately this happens on occasion with the Netflix. I can only assume in this case that the damage resulted from someone biting the disc, because they thought they had Korean vampire disease.

In the Company of Men
One thing for sure: Aaron Eckhart plays slimeball well. It's pretty obvious the casting director for Thank You For Smoking had seen this. But yeah, this movie hurts one's soul -- two businessmen romancing a deaf woman with the idea of dumping her simultaneously. At first it seems like misogyny, but it kind of turns out to be misanthropy. Big words!

Raising Arizona
Best. Comedic Chase Scene. Ever.

Haha. Dogs.

Wild at Heart
More Nicolas Cage acting crazy! This must have been right after I saw BLPOCNO. The opening scene could be one of the greatest beating deaths in the history of cinema. Not sure if "greatest" is the right word. Moving on ...

Cloverfield
I think a better title for this would have been "Real World: Godzilla." Still, it held my interest for its full running length.

Anvil: The Story of Anvil
A surprising amount of heart in this, a movie about a washed up Canadian metal band. Think Spinal Tap plus earnestness.

Twin Peaks
WTF, David Lynch.

Adventureland
Feh. A coming of age tale, solid fun if not spectacular. From the director of Superbad, says wikipedia. That makes sense. The one guy, the nerdy sidekick/sage observer type, kind of steals the movie.

Observe and Report
Ah yes, now we are really getting into hazy memory territory. It was super dark, I do recall that. Seth Rogen beating the shit out of drug dealers, and a date rape scene. Kind of similar in tone to Foot Fist Way, which makes sense as they have the same director.

Dirty Pretty Things
Illegal immigrants sure do have it rough. Methinks this did a good job of portraying the hopelessness one might feel, living in the margins of society. Also it has organ harvesting, always suspenseful.

Being There
This was in another post here. Peter Sellers is hilarious as an imbecile obsessed with TV who rises to political glory through an increasingly improbable set of circumstances. Also, the grizzled dad from Dirty Work plays the president.

After Hours
Wait, a comedy directed by Martin Scorsese? What the hell? This movie is fucking weird.

Schindler's List
Just brutal, but with an uplifting finish. Which is kind of strange to say about a holocaust movie. This is something one has to watch to get a "cinephile" card. If such a thing existed.

Night on Earth
Separate stories of cabbies and their fares on one night in cities across the globe. Jim Jarmusch films are usually too slow for me, but the switching of locales (LA, New York, Rome, Paris, and Helsinki) kept me interested. Watching this builds indie rep, or so I'm told.

The Fall
Something about a paralyzed stuntman telling a little girl stories so she'll steal morphine for him. The visuals are amazing.


Well that's it. Putting this together took up a good part of the day. I think this is the first time I would heartily recommend any one of the films listed. Well, except for The Magic Christian, which managed to make me hate it even though I agree with its message.

Scraping a barrel

Hmmm ... what should I put here on the old blog today? The bloggeroo, ol' bloggy mcblogblog ... a madcap rant on the Simpsons 20th anniversary documentary from last night? Funny, in parts. A picture found via through a cursory 2-minute google image search? Been done. Something seal related (either the animal or the singer, doesn't matter)? Bad joke. These are the types of "difficult editorial decisions" I make each day when confronted with this screen:

Daunting right? Staring at all that white space for hours and hours, an intimidating thought. One I am forced(?) to confront everyday, when putting things up here. Which I guess isn't every day. But it is, because often times I'll plan/start posting something, only to violently close the tab in frustration. But will that happen today? Well, no, probably, because you are reading this.

This would be easier if there was some measurable outcome. At least that's what I tell myself when I read some other shit online that's mad prolific. On the other hand, what do I mean by "this" at the start of this paragraph? Writing for the internet? Watching videos of animals doing things one might not expect them to? Taking screenshots? Too many questions, and this is already way over the line of self-indulgence, veering dangerously into violent tab-closing territory. Better put it out there, and be done with it.

edit: Kids can call you Hoju!

Full-scale excitement

God what a terrible time of year this is, with its darkness and cold. The first week in January is a bad time for a season affective disorder to get rolling. There's several more months of this! Which is daunting. Is is bad when you have three pairs of long-underwear, and that's not nearly enough? On the other hand it could be worse, i.e. living in Iowa, with its impassible highways. But riding bikes in the snow is fun. Cars are scared of you! At least that's my impression.

That's it, look on the bright side. Imagine positivity. Like that guy up top, who is so fucking thrilled to have an enormous superhero pig placed in his yard. Serious happiness, only half of which is mugging for the camera (This is a guess). The reality of a 2000 pound animal eyesore has yet to set into his mind. It will likely be a major expense to move. Although maybe giant pigs are how he gets his rocks off. It certainly looks that way.

Oh yeah, by the way, I made a twitter for some reason the other day. So, you know, follow that or whatever. I may even "tweet" something at some time in the future. To use the parlance of our times.

Sitting in a chair, in the sky

Can't recommend this enough

"Let me tell you something," says Freddie. "Something about this country. Anybody can do anything. But first they gotta try. And you guys ain't. Two don't work and one strips naked? I don't consider that trying. You kids make squat. And therefore you live in a dangerous craphole. And what happens in a dangerous craphole? Bad tragic shit. It's the freaking American way-you start out in a dangerous craphole and work hard so you can someday move up to a somewhat less dangerous craphole. And finally maybe you get a mansion. But at this rate you ain't even gonna make it to the somewhat less dangerous craphole."

- from Sea Oak, which is so freaking hilarious I can't adequately express it. My abilities of expression are inadequate. Here's another passage from there:

After dinner the babies get fussy and Min puts a mush of ice cream and Hershey's syrup in their bottles and we watch The Worst That Could Happen, a half-hour of computer simulations of tragedies that have never actually occurred but theoretically could. A kid gets hit by a train and flies into a zoo, where he's eaten by wolves. A man cuts his hand off chopping wood and while wandering around screaming for help is picked up by a tornado and dropped on a preschool during recess and lands on a pregnant teacher.

Also another short story in this, The End of Firpo in the World is heart-breaking, yet funny. It's like Vonnegut had a baby, and that baby met the baby of David Foster Wallace and those two babies had a baby? Yes, it's the product of baby fucking.

edit: I knew that baby bit was from something, but couldn't remember what. But now I do remember: Pineapple Express. Which was a movie I sort of hated when I first saw it, but now if I see it on Starz or whatever I usually watch it for a bit and its weird violence is somehow becoming endearing? Anyway.

Happy new year