Friday, September 29, 2006

on a lighter note

Pat Burrell loves outfield assists in games that start a half hour before midnight.

dark days for democracy

America's long path toward fascism took a big step forward today. Despite rational arguments,the "terrorist" detainee bill passed the Senate without the proposed amendment to save habeas corpus. Well that was a good concept while it lasted. A good eight centuries or so. Magna Carta? Anyone? Bueller?

So, Sieg Heil, Bush!

Good old midterm elections, nothing like the threat of attack ads saying you are "soft on terror" to get some sketchy ass legislation passed right quick. And the wiretap shit passed the House today as well. Fear-mongering RULES!
So yeah, congrats everyone, you can tell your grandkids you were there to see the downfall of the greatest civilization in the history of mankind. That is if you're not up against the wall when the revolution comes dead.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

We have a Nook Logan sighting!

sitting here watching the Phils blow their season. lets try a little live blog--

Here we are in RFK via WC. Its bottom 10 Phils and Nats tied at 6. Announcers are Harry Kalas and Chris Wheeler.

10.47: Jimmy Rollins juggles, flips to a Chase Utley who is ducking out of the way. Terrible. I think the error is on J-Roll, but can they both get and error please? Awesome here is alfonso soriano!

10.48: Geoff Geary, K, ok he's not the worst member of the phillies pen.

10.50: Ok top 11, Rick White is getting up in the philly pen. Not good when his best contribution to the team is congratulating offensive players after homers via the bullpen phone.

10.52: Victorino fly out to center.

10.54: Here's Utley. I have no idea who is pitching for the Nats, but he has at least 15 letters in his last name.

10.55: Fly out to center

10.56: The big man is up, or as I like to call him RY-HO. Intentional walk

10.57: RyHo isn't being held on to the shock of Wheeler. This inning is over.

10.58: OK wow WB Mason has a new commercial. Somehow I find this more irritating than the old jingle that made me want to headbutt many a nearby object. Remember, anyone but WB Mason.

11:00: Zimmerman is now on first somehow. Stupid Ryan Zimmerman. Why are you so good?

11.02: Houston and Buccos(?) are in the top of 12, also 6-6

11.04: Someone named Mike Campbell(Gamble?) just flew out to center.

11.06: Christ, Wheeler, please get off your knees and stop blowing Victorino. His arm is like a LASER!

11.07: Zimmerman to second on sac bunt. Here comes Nook. Beware his fearsome array of bunts! I'm not going to lie, it seems the Nats love to bunt.

11.07: Logan grounds out to Nunez, aka the hispanic David Bell. Here comes 12!

11.10: Its Chris Coste time! Best 33-year-old rookie catcher ever. Old 15-letter still pitching for the Nats. Pretty sure Harry has no idea how to say his name. Harry=OLD.

11.11: Coste base hit.

11.12: Michael Bourne sac bunt

11.13: Wheeler says the Dodger game is 6-4 in the ninth. BUT WHO IS WINNING? Fuck it I'm opening gamecast.

11.14: Heres the hispanic David Bell, bounces out to second. Coste to third.

11.17: Ruiz pop out. That was awe inspiring.

11.20: Clay Condrey pitching now? Where's Wayne Gomes when you need him.

11.21: Rick White no runs one hit. Although Harry in the 12th is unreliable at best.

11.22: Grounder to 2nd. Utley successfully throws 45 feet! YES! Phils have a chance

11.23: Fly out left. Here comes Castro, Bernie Castro?

11.24: Ground out to Utley. 1-2-3 for the force that is Clay Condrey.

11.26: Top 13! Top of the order. This game started at 7:05. Thank god I only started blogging in the 10th.

11.27: Jroll ground out. Here's VICTORINO!

11.28: Flyin Hawaiian with a base hit up the middle.

11.29: Utley, 3-5 on the day. It sounds like the only people still in the stadium are phillies fans. Gotta love RFK.

11.31: Harry: The Vengabus is here at RFK. No response from Wheeler.

11.32: TOO HIGH! Chase pops out to second.

11.33: Intentional walk for RyHo. It will be up to Jeff Conine. I legitimately wish Burrell was up right now.

11.36: Conine strikes out. Damn you old man!

11.37: Wow they just showed a 10 second WB mason commercial. But now we got highlights. Dodgers win. Lame. But Padres lose to Cards. PUJOL POWER!

11.39: Condrey, Dealing. Strike out.

11.40: Soriano with the weak ass looper to Jroll in shallow left.

11.41: Zimmerman turns 22 in 20 minutes. Well thats fucking great. Phils have no one up in the pen. Fly out to center. 14th baby!

11.44: Coste up, no one better to lead off an inning. Oh wait, he's fucking mashing, stand up double to the alley in right center.

11.45: Michael Bourne! Bunt Single! Castro (covering first) showed off the 35 inch vertical to keep it in the infield.

11.47: Ground out to short. Bourne to second. Here comes Jose Hernandez to pinch hit for Condrey. Keeping it real.

11.48: For the love of god please just get a hit. also, astros just took a lead over pirates. Not sure why I care about that game.

11.49: Grounder, Coste thrown out at home. Going on contact. sigh.


11.51: Victorino tries to squeeze his way on, but is thrown out at first. Close play. Going to bottom 14, Phils up 8-6.

11.54: Here comes Fabio Castro to pitch for the Phils. Someone named Beltran Perez is on the on deck circle to pinch hit for, I guess, the nationals pitcher. Hooray Beer!

11.56: Robert Fick single off Conines glove in shallow left. Burrell would have made that play. Or not.

11.57: The aforementioned Beltran Perez, a pitcher, just got a base hit to right. This game will never end. Two men on with no out.

11.58: Castro bunts. Error, bases now drunk with nobody out. Good thing we got someone named Fabio on the mound.

11.59: My prediction is Ryan Church bases clearing double to end the game.

12.00: Fly out to center. run scores. Victorino's golden arm keeps runners on 1st and 2nd

12.01: DOUBLE PLAY BALL TO UTLEY! JROLL TURNS IT! ITS OVER! Phils 1 game back in the wild card with 4 to play. Fuck the Dodgers! And or Padres!

OK so that was kinda fun. Popped the old live-blogging cherry. I'm gonna go have a cig.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news

Recently it has entered the lexicon that the Iraq war not helping the "war on terror". This is a shame. It's like Vietnam times computers.

But anywho, I wonder what this all will do? With voter angst pushing the democrats toward control of congress, who is to say what will happen?

I have my money on democrats taking control and pulling US troops out of Iraq so quick that that the whole region descends into chaos. And then we can't get any of our precious oil.

Again, sorry.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Topics on which to not get me started

Do not bring up these subjects with me unless you want a crazy rant. Especially if I am shitfaced.

Insurance companies: So wrong in so many ways. Seriously, do not get me started.
Global Warming, or as it should be called, Climate Change.
SUVs: do you need an explanation?
Corporate culture: Mainly because I am being raped by it. Always remember, shit flows downhill.
Mike Mamula/Eagles drafts: I cheered when the drafted Donny Mac Nabb, and I think I was the only one.
The Legal/Justice/Prison system: don't work for the most part. Institutionalizes anyone involved, again, for the most part.
Electoral College/Voting: outdated bullshit to maintain the status quo.
War on anything as a part of the lexicon. ie "War on Drugs" or "War on Terror." How can you declare war on a method of warfare or something people put into their bodies? I declare war on drinking.

Ok I'm done, for now.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Sword Fight

I am of the opinion that Milwaukee is a hellhole.

This is the main reason.

During college, we took a road trip up to Marquette University, which, in case you didn't know, is in Milwaukee.

Night of belligerence involving box of wine, apartment parties and box of wine.

Eventually we make it back to the condo where we are staying. Mueller and I decide that its a good idea to go out on the 2nd floor balcony and heckle/talk shit to people walking by.

After some indiscriminate amount of time, some guy walks by wearing one glove, so I start yelling various Michael Jackson related insults. He responds by inviting me downstairs to settle our differences

I accept, mostly due to liquid courage. But since I am rolling out alone against Michael Jackson and his crew of 3-4 I decide to bring a weapon. Looking around the condo, theres a bag of golf clubs, a mini wooden bat and a broadsword.

I choose sword and run downstairs to the front stoop brandishing it like Inigo Montoya.

At this point its kind of a blur, but in essence Mr. Jackson was crazier than me that day.

He came straight at me. I promptly realized I had chosen wrong. What the hell could I do with the sword. I'm not going to run him through like some sort of pirate.
And while I hesitated he got me into a full nelson. But I am still brandishing the sword, effectively keeping his friends off me.

"Drop the sword!"
"Let me go, I'll drop the sword!"
Etc. A stalemate.

At this point some other dude probably named Karl(who apparently knows judo and likes to fight) rushed out the front door. He stands there for a second sizing up the situation, and one of Michael's friends runs up and punches him in the face. They start scuffling and general mayhem ensues. During which Mueller is throwing beer bottles that are shattering all over the front porch.

Eventually the guy who punched Karl starts screaming, "YOU BIT MY FUCKING FINGER OFF"

And in fact, Karl had done just that. I see the guy holding his hand with a flap of skin keeping his pinky still attached.
Apparently Old Nine Finger had given Karl a fishhook, so Karl had chomped down, clear through the bone.

That ended the fight, and I retired back to the condo, where I cleaned up my foot, due to a piece of broken glass had sliced my big toe clear to the bone. Thanks Mueller.

Saturday, September 16, 2006


Theres a thesaurus in the library. Yeah is under Y. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Instant classic. So many one liners I have to watch it again.
The pin's mom is a great touch.

I would say that its LA Confidential + Better Luck Tommorrow - Asian.

So, in summary, watch this movie.

Friday, September 15, 2006

why take diet pills when you can enjoy aids?

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

somethings gone wrong

Its fine...
you fell
its fine

Andy Warhol is a fucking genious

We all live in a yellow submarine

Good Day Sunshine

Thats all can stand right now, this post is melting.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Open letter to that bitch in the SUV

Yeah, you driving that white Ford Excursion (Expedition? Land monster.) with the fraternal order of police sticker on the back. Fuck you.

As you can probably tell from that outstanding diagram I made above, said whore (I don't know if she's actually a whore -- in the sex for money sense -- but she definitely sells herself in some unscrupulous way) tried to pull the old "zoom up the side then merge in at the last minute" move.

In some cases this is acceptable, or at least tolerable. For example on the highway, when the number of lanes decrease. Reasonable.

But no, this was in Main Street at Exton, a glorified strip mall that some wise ass engineer decided build with "a small town feel." He failed. But anyway, there was a clear line of cars waiting to make a right turn merge onto Route-a-hundred. You bravely decided that this line of about 7-10 cars was far too long and proceded to cut.

Imagine me being snapped out of my stoner rock reverie when you violently swerved toward my little blue Saturn. Not sure if you just didn't see me, or figured I could reverse real quick and smash the guy behind me. Actually you probably figured the magic bubble that surrounds your SUV would push my car safely out of your way.

Either way, I can surmise your surprise when I stuck up for my personal driving space by giving you a little beep. Don't worry about not flipping the bird at this egregious act, because your precious little mouthbreather named Sarin was in the backseat.

You got your point across after we got out onto route 100 by flooring past us poor small car driving plebes on your way to back your McMansion.

No worries there either, we all know how hubby would be disappointed if you don't make sure your army of Mexicans gets the laundry done/grass cut/dinner made before he gets home.

Also, how was Atlanta Bread Company?

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Those last 4 feet to the bowl are key

Good times. Sitting here cleaning up 20-hour-old puke. Stupid party ball, you have forsaken me once again.

Hasn't been a very good day, at least in my world of sports. Phillies lose in extras. Touchdown Jesus smites JoePa. And Northwestern lost to New fucking Hampshire. (Although I was informed by our assistant sports editor/sardonic bastard that UNH's QB and #1 WR are NFL prospects. And that the WR could break a bunch of Jerry Rice's 1AA records. So thats something.)

But there's good stuff too. Like Gary Smith on Pat Tillman. And photos of Prez G-Dub doing some sort of hang-ten style wave on the AP photo wire.

Hey, wait a second, that party ball isn't kicked yet.
*takes sip
mmmmm....plastic ball filled with beer. And not entirely skunky. We have ourselves a winner.

And of course theres always this.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

The NL Wild Card Race Via Dialogue

The Philadelphia Phillies and San Francisco Giants are standing together, talking.

PHI: So, yeah, how’d you do yesterday?

SFO. A’ight. We got Mike Stanton closing out games for us now. 1-2-3 in the ninth.

PHI: Um, okay. That might get worse before it gets better.

SFO: You guy’s win?

PHI: Not so much. J-Roll got thrown out at second in the ninth, killing our rally.

SFO: That J-Roll. When’s he gonna settle down and find a nice girl? I always see him out on the town with Pat Burrell. Those two can sure fill out a suit.

Uncomfortable silence.

SFO: So, what about the Padres? They win again?

PHI: Yeah. Another walk-off.

Yeah, They’re so hot right now. We play them tomorrow. That Mike Piazza. He’s classically handsome. I respect that.

Philadelphia coughs loudly.

PHI: Well I, ah, gotta go....Playing Florida tomorrow...

The Marlins?! I heard that they’re having a party tonight for their no-hitter. We should carpool.

PHI: Yeah, um, I’m on my bike.

SFO: Oh.

PHI: I guess we could...

SFO: No, no. That’s fine. Stretches and yawns. Gotta big game tomorrow. Gonna beat those Padres. Help us both out. Coughs awkwardly. No, have fun at your party. Tell those Marlins I hope they get moved to Oklahoma City and that their parents fucking die...just kidding. I love those kids.

PHI: Yeah, talk to you.

Philly leaves.

Looks at watch. Got a few hours to kill...

In walks the Cincinnati Reds.

Hey! I didn’t know you were still here. Wanna grab some chili?

Get away from me, you loser.

Bat Party

More drunken tales.

Bringing it to the East Coast.

I'll set the scene.
Bob's house. 2 Kegs. A douchebag in the now infamous pink shirt(from now on known as "Pinky"). drunken randoms everywhere. Jello shots.

Started off, classic beer bash. The 3 B's: Boozing, Beer Pong and Belligerence. May or may not have been fireworks.

But at some point a stray jello shot found its way onto said pink shirt. Pinky, gangsta that he is, did not take this lightly. Eventually his pink rage focused on Craigs cousin, for understandable reasons. He can be an asshole.
There was much shoving, grabbing of shirts and pointing, with the end result of Pinky and crew's ejection from the party.
Taken as a sign of disrespect, the pink shirt crew decided to arm themselves with 2 aluminum baseball bats and a golf club. They stormed the party, presumably to exact their revenge, but were disarmed fairly quickly. Bob standing in the doorway with an unloaded shotgun helped too.
Craziness ensued, with no serious injuries, except to Bob's deck furniture.

We ended up staying up til sun-up doing shots of Jager. And now I can't drink Jager. Oh well.

Note: The golf club did turn up in Bob's bushes a good 2 years later.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Cradle 2 the Grave is the best movie ever with a numeral in the title

The sound on this sucks, but the greatest moment in cinematic history happens at about 2:20.

Plus Jet Li totally uses a midget as some sort of crude weapon.

That can only be described with one word: Crumbalievable

Colbert, you've done it again. Interview with Gideon Yago was the best TV I've seen since watching Road House at 2:30 am a couple days ago.

I can only hope one day you host the Oscars in character.

Watch this if you haven't seen it, and you will know.
Theres another 14 minutes of this on Youtube.

Monday, September 04, 2006


This is an imaginary conversation I had with myself just now.

Me: I have bad news, the crocodile hunter is dead.

Them: What?

Me: Yeah, Steve Irwin is no longer with us.

Them:NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How did he die?

Me: The old poisonous stingray barb to the heart.

Them: Well, I guess I should have seen that coming.

Me: True, all too true. That stingray must pay.

Also, I am going to go out and buy "Collision Course" and watch it all day, while weeping. Much like the Croc Hunter after the loss of this gator.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Top candidates for the Michael Irvin treatment

Back in the 90s, a memorable example of belligerent Philly fans was during a game against the hated triplet-era Cowboys. Michael Irvin suffered what looked to be a serious injury while being tackled to the notorious Veteran's stadium turf, by Tim Hauck of all people.
As Irvin lay motionless, the crowd cheered. Arguably the worst cheer ever. Needless to say, we Philly fans are big on schadenfreude. But remember, Irvin ended up being fine, going on to many more "Jacked Up!" segments and lines of coke.
Nevertheless, this is often pointed to as a classic example of how awful Philly fans are, really, the lowest of the low. After all, we booed freaking Santa Claus. The symbol of Christmas!

Anyway, to mark the upcoming start of the NFL: here some athletes that could potentially receive the Michael Irvin treatment.

Terrell Owens: You were expecting Sal Fasano? Seriously, if you need to know why TO is hated in Philly, turn on ESPN for 5 minutes.

Barry Bonds: Not sure how this kind of terrible injury could happen in baseball -- maybe he gets clocked in the face with a pitch. I don't think Philly fans would cheer if that happened to Bonds, especially not the baseball crowd. But if he were to suddenly suffer a horrible leg injury while jogging from second to third, thats a different story.

JD Drew: If he were to take a Brett Myers heater to the eye, the cheering would be loud and long. And yes, I really want to see the Phils play the Dodgers in the playoffs this year.

Tie Domi
: Flyers fans are almost as angry as Eagles fans at this point, inexplicably, I think, because hockey blows. But from what I know of my hockey-fan friends, Tie Domi is someone who would get no sympathy.

Scott Stevens
: If he's still around. See above.

Eric Lindros: I think the fans would be more likely to cheer a car accident involving his Dad, Carl. Even though he was a concussion-prone oaf, and he was acquired in the hockey version of the Herschel Walker trade, he doesn't inspire that particular kind of ire amid Flyers faithful.

Eli Manning
: The whole "annointed in New York as savior" thing wears thin pretty quick here in the city of brotherly love. Although I think an Eli injury would result less in cheers and more in laughter. At least from me.

Thats all I can think of right now. If there are more candidates, hit up the comments.