Monday, June 30, 2008

Wait. A post-apocalyptic Disney movie?

Now I've seen everything. And by everything I mean Wall-E. With all apologies to 'Wanted' which I actually considered seeing, especially after reading this review, the Pixar tale of robots in love and fat people destroying the earth got my first theater-going dollar this summer.

In case you've missed the marketing and media blitz, Wall-E is a little robot who lives on earth, slowly cleaning it up after people abandoned it hundreds of years prior. His best friend is a cockroach. There's no talking at all in the first part, except for the occasional bloop. Eventually, Wall-E meets another robot sent to earth looking for plant life and gets locked in some sort of preternatural courtship.

Don't want to get too bogged down in the plot -- Wall-E's romantic entanglements take us to the the giant spaceship Axiom, where humanity has resided for these nee 700 years, getting hugely fat and suffering some bone loss. Walking is a thing of the past, and everyone is inundated with screens advertising everything from "waffles in a cup" to, well, "cupcakes in a cup."

The filmmakers say that they were not trying to make a message movie, and only wanted to tell the tale of two robots in love. I'm calling bullshit on that. They are just saying the right things now that some fat consumers are upset. If there is no message here, why are there some scenes with excessive billboards as far as the eye can see -- reminiscent of "They Live" after Rowdy Roddy Piper puts on the sunglasses. Not too mention the whole Fred Willard as CEO/President of the world.

But maybe that's reading too much into it. It is a kid's movie after all. Which means there is sure to be all kinds of cheap plastic crap associated with it. And that raises all kinds of hypocritical questions when the message is environmental.

edit: 4 stars

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Outta my way, I'm Durnk

So there was some Australian who got a DUI for passing out drunk a wheelchair. Uh, why was he taking a motorised wheelchair on the highway? Best not question it I suppose. But it got me thinking, what would be the best self-powered transportation in which to get/avoid a DUI? If I do need to get somewhere quick after a bottle of wine or two, what vehicle would be ideal? It certainly wouldn't be a tractor.

This is the most likely, like yesterday. Hopefully soon while wearing a gorilla suit.

This would only work if I knew how to ride a horse. Also, it would be good if it was my horse and lived at my house, so it knows where it's going. You ain't getting me on some random horse off the street, cause that's a recipe for a broken collar bone.


Ah the old drunken pilot, truly one of the world's great treasures. This would have to be some sort of ultralight device, and even then taking off and landing could be problematic. One of those big parachutes with the fan on the back would work. It's probably even legal to fly one of those without a license.


For some reason I think it would be really fun to pick people up in a rickshaw while drunk. They think they're in for a nice human powered ride, then BAM they're stuck behind some drunken asshole wheeling them at high speeds through crowded city streets. Their only hope for escape is when the driver has to stop to water the bushes.


Here's a token simpsons reference. Also, its on one rail, so it would be hard to screw up.

Badonkadonk (pictured above)
Like a tank, but without the gun. Clearly the best option. If only I had an extra 20K lying around. I know the PA system, plush interior, and external camera would come in handy for cruising.

Any other ideas? Hovercraft? Don't drink and drive.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Sick of being the guinea pig

Work-related realitosis combined with my getting tired of looking at screens has precluded posts this week, my bad. But I figured something needs to get tossed up here today, because chances are tomorrow there will be much screaming and tossing of monitors due to circumstances somewhat beyond my control.

Vague hostility aside -- as you may or may not know, the goats have a new roommate. It's been a bit of an upgrade over old Churchy McRepublican, especially in that the new guy isn't a total square who watches freaking CNBC. Nah, the new guy is more of the kind of person who goes into a bar and orders two chili dogs and a white russian. He doesn't even have a bed. The dude certainly abides.

But this new guy does have a Playstation 2, which complements the NES and the XBox well. On it we've been playing possibly the most ridiculous game ever to cross the pacific, Katamari Damacy. For the uninitiated, the basic premise is you roll this ball around, picking up progressively bigger objects. Surprisingly addictive. And there's a crazy and hilarious backstory involving the drunken King of the Cosmos destroying the universe or something. Check out this video, you'll see what I mean?


In other news, Zombies play kickball? Why wouldn't they.

Also, if anon could find some offhand hyperbole above to contradict, that would be great. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

I'm pro-union

via heyokay

A good mashup?

Figured it would be good to keep it going with the whole "posting about the same thing as everyone else in blogland" thing I got started on yesterday. But this time it's a bit less depressing than the death of a legendary comic (also, I'm kicking myself for choosing to post the euphemism bit rather than the one about stuff).

Moving on. The new hotness, in case you hadn't heard, is 'Feed the Animals' a new album from the club DJ Greg Gillis, more commonly known as Girl Talk (heh). Basically the guy takes a shitload of songs, mostly hip-hop and rock, and mashes them together in awesome ways. Ever wanted to hear the fierce drum part of Metallica's One combined with some Soulja Boy? You are in luck my friend.

Basically this is the nerdiest music ever, but still cool maybe (it's catchy at least -- and profane). Spotting the references is fun for the whole family, especially when it's a whiter shade of pale mixed with Lil' Jon. Or Eminem flows about getting fucked up combined with Yael Naim's "New Soul." Also, there's a bunch of Wu Tang. Wikipedia has it all in handy list format.

So go download this shit today and pay what you want. Cause chances are some douchebag may try and pull the rug out from under it via lawsuit, like what happened with Danger Mouse's Grey Album. Jerks.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Hilarity of despair

Ha ha, jokes about cripples and rape -- or should i say, the differently-abled and non-consensual intercourse. I don't know what those people who say George Carlin was bitter are talking about. He saw the society's shit and mocked it because it was stupid -- a true inspiration for the goats.

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

So long fella, hopefully now you're in a place with flamethrowers.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Boot to face, forever

The news around Philadelpia three or four cycles ago was this hippie/terrorist got detained or something while cops and city inspection crews stole his collection of booty call contacts. Who hasn't distributed anti-surveillance literature from a dilapidated North Philly former shoe store/current grow house? Not any respectable bearded California transplant, that's for sure.

The money quote that swings the whole situation comes from some cop who said: "They're a hate group. We're trying to drum up charges against them, but, unfortunately, we'll probably have to let them go."

This guy deserves a medal for spouting some message board material fit to unify Marxists and Paultards both. "Drum up charges" is the kind of buzz-phrase that gets any anti-authoritarians blood boiling, reputable source or no. This kind of thing makes plain to many simple minds that American neo-fascism is alive and thriving.

The tipping point has been crossed, as the Roots or Malcolm Gladwell might say. A man doesn't even have the freedom to run an illegal hedge-fund operation. The Keating Five wouldn't be regarded as heroes if they were around today.

But the internet, say some! Surely this vast hive mind of apes will prevent a police state from occurring! Like it's fucking magic. Just wait til this blogpost inspires the most vicious flamewar ever conceived, which then spills out into the streets. These ideas are like viruses infecting society, eventually leading to the holocaust of enlightenment, whatever that means.

Nope, everyone will soon leave their computers and make molotov cocktails. That commenter who so wisely said: This whole story sounds odd. "Drum up charges..."??? Those three question marks mean this "bronzie" is ready -- are you? Remember, there are no idiots on the internet. Everyone has something coherent and important to add to the conversation. Reading for comprehension is elitist.

Of course, for every sarcastic blog paragraph there's two posts on domelights from some guy with a confederate flag avatar. Far be it from me to criticize a guy for trying to live by the code.

edit: Upon reflection I may have tried to shoehorn too many disparate ideas into this post for it to have any relevancy or pertinence. Sorry.

Forget ammunition

Working on a post that should be up later today or tomorrow. Until then enjoy this latest speech from John McCain, which is part of his new bid to be president of webcam whores.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Some music

Because I constantly need to validate of my taste in music by posting about it on this blog, here's something about two CDs that have been the rotation recently.

First up we have the self-titled first album from Santogold (aka Santi White). I prefer to call this album sparkle-vomit. Just look at that cover. You may have heard the song 'Creator' in commercials for some awful beer I've never had (Bud Light Lime). Also it was in the season finale of Entourage last year, which I know despite the fact that I hate that show, except for the one where they gamble on soccer with Dennis Hopper.

Anyway, where was I? Clearly the best song on the album is LES Artistes. It's a good example of how this album crosses genres. Everything I just read says its kind of like MIA but less world-music and more 80s. Wikipedia compares her to the Pixies for some reason (Lights out?). I can see similarities to Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) or Debbie Harry more clearly. Also she's from Philly, and used to be in a punk/ska band, so there's that.

Pretentious quote from Pitchfork: "She's a consummate pop songwriter. Santogold might try to separate formula and art, but her album catches fire when she blasts that distinction into irrelevance."

Here's the video for LES Artistes.


Secondly we have something that's just a wee bit different: Low's eighth album Drums and Guns. The Duluth, Minn. indie threesome has been around since 1993, although it looks like they have run through a couple different bassists, if the internets are to be believed. Also the two longtime members are married to each other and are Mormons for some reason.

This album is sparse, marked by minimal arrangements and lots of harmony. The sound is described by some as "slowcore" but obviously the band hates that term. The fuzzy organs and drum loops don't make it easy to get into this on the first listen. I'd say the most accessible song is probably 'Murderer'.

Pitchfork Pretention: The original EP from which "Murderer" was taken was Low at their most stark and dramatic; this version stands up ably to the first (as opposed to the unfortunate recut of "Silver Rider" from Great Destroyer), adding an insistent 4/4 bass pulse as well as a subtle guitar loop that works as an effective earworm, and a martial drumbeat that underlines the lyrics and serves the album's theme.

Yeah, here's a video of the song Breaker.

Monday, June 16, 2008

This is what happens

As you can probably tell from the horrified screams -- feeble old men have desecrated some giant statue of Jesus(probably). When will the church admit it's unsafe and ill-advised to trust the elderly with such important tasks as, uh, carrying stuff? Stop lying to yourself, pope.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Seems unnatural

Hey hey, it's Friday. Let's see if I can score a few salient points before peacing out to go meet this dude in a parking lot who is selling me an NES complete with light gun and powerpad. Which I will then somehow transport several miles by bike. Moving on.

First a few political notes:
O Kucinich, my Kucinich
The wee neo-commie congressman with the hot redhead wife spent a good 5 hours reading impeachment articles against Bush earlier this week, despite Nancy Pelosi's constant "shhhing" in the background. Apparently impeaching the president could be "divisive" and hurt Obama's chances to win the white house. Whatever. I think it might be funny to watch the right-wing hate machine attempt to spin impeachment into a positive. Although it'd probably just be more of the same "this encourages terror" garbage. It also should be noted that Kucinich gets virtually no media coverage outside the intranets. Likely because everyone is too preoccupied with Obama giving his baby momma a terrorist fist jab.

Gitmo? I hardly even know her!
The supreme court ruled that detainees at everyone's favorite prison camp due have the right to habeaus corpus and can challenge their detainment. Check it out, everyone loves reading legal documents (PDF). The reactions from both sides of the aisle are predictable, with lefties lauding the decision and right-wingers calling for more battlefield executions.

Obama must reach out to racist voters

Exactly that.

OK enough of that political mumbo-jumbo, here's some lighter fare.

Yes that office freakout video posted last week was a fake. It was somehow a promotion for the upcoming probably awful actioner, "Wanted." Why do you keep lying to us internet?

The New York times recently took a foodie tour of ballparks. Prominently featured are both the Phillies' and the Giants' stadiums. The only observation I'll offer is that the Schmitter is possibly the best sandwich ever, and somehow more unhealthy than a cheesesteak.

"Unicorn" found in Italian park. No word on whether or not it is going to candy mountain.

There may have been a link to passive aggressive notes here before, but whatever. I particularly enjoy the one at the truck stop in Wisconsin that points out that people must purchase their porn before taking it into the bathroom.

Finally a video of, well, I'm not exactly sure what it is supposed to be. Those crazy Japanese, and their men dressed up as dancing fish.

That's it, enjoy the pterodactyl (nsfw).

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What's your beef, Korea?

That there photo on the right isn't Times Square on New Years Eve, it's from a South Korean protest that went down yesterday. Looking at that photo one may wonder what the hell all those Koreans are pissed about: Perhaps North Korea is testing nukes again? The war in Iraq? Prostitution? China? Ha ha nope, they are protesting their government's decision to again allow the import of US beef of course.

Keep in mind the meat is perfectly safe. These cows are only modified to taste good. There are no other effects, ever. In no way are they being injected with enormous amounts of cancer-causing steroids or anything like that. Plus many of these slaughtered cows are descendents of cloned superbulls. Superbulls genetically engineered to make succulent, juicy steaks. There is no downside when you take the best genetic version of a species and create thousands of copies of it.

But apparently our cloned cows aren't good enough for Koreans, everyone of whom eats six dogs everyday. These yellow bastards better mind their Western masters. Who saved their ass in Korea? If it wasn't for my grandfather, they'd all be speaking Chinese. And even if our meat chemicals seep into the Seoul water supply, they won't create some sort of biohazard monster that eats people and vomits up their bones, as depicted in the popular 2006 cinematic release "The Host." Such a scenario is implausible at best, it's science.

Frankly, this disrespect and lack of faith shown to us Americans by our South Korean brothers is disappointing. We all know the corporations known by few as "Big Meat" only have the interests of the eater at heart. They certainly would not put out an unsafe or untested product, just to make a quick buck. Corporate culture has a long history of looking out for consumers and avoiding the easy fix. If you can't trust Big Meat, who can you trust?

And yet these protesters dare challenge this president "Mr Lee" who so bravely reopened the meat corridor between our two nations. For shame. A more productive use of their time would be to light themselves on fire, eat a flag or possibly rip apart a pig. Better recognize, or it's gonna be mass executions all over again, this time via tainted meat.

I'm voting Republican

This is simplistic, yet awesome.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The latest in Wisconsin flood news

I saved my fish from the flood!

Those of you who watch cable news have undoubtedly heard about the horrible threat posed to small towns on the Kickapoo(!) River in our nation's cheese and beer basket. Gays Mills(!) is on the brink of collapse after a second flash flood in the past year. Just another of example of God hating the Gays (Mills).

But seriously, whoever had "podunk Midwestern towns" as one of the first American casualties of global warming, steal yourself a gallon of gas. Apologies to disappearing islands, but if this isn't the canary in the mineshaft, what the hell will be? Dennis Quaid doesn't give a shit about Platteville, and it's full of fat white people.

Its doubtful many of these jerks who just lost their homes for the second time in a year even understand/believe in the underlying cause of their problems. According to an ill-informed op-ed I just read, global warming is actually a world-wide commie plot to ... actually its diabolical goals are unclear. But watch out, the op-ed did make clear that those fucking leftists and their shifty-eyed baby-eating ways cannot be trusted.

It seems like people think that weather patterns around the globe are not connected in any way, shape or form. These increasing numbers of isolated severe weather incidents remain just that, separate and devoid of correlation. It's hot as hell here, but it's raining in other places! It's impossible to determine the true nature of nature! Al Gore!

To recap

From Slate, via Wonkette.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Awesome! Black bars!

Yeah you probably shouldn't watch this at work. Unless you work at the censorship office, in which case it could be used as some sort of training aid.

The band is Brighton Port Authority, the song is Toe Jam. It features David Byrne (Talking Heads) and Dizzee Rascal.

edit: It seems Brighton Port Authority is a pseudonym/band for Fatboy Slim, which really isn't so surprising considering the history of interesting videos.

Septa sucks

Sometimes a man faces trials in life -- be it making a better life for his family, or finding the perfect job, or just searching for some sort of meaning in this vast sea of shit we call America. This past weekend I undertook such a trial, by traveling to a bike race on public transportation.

Yes, getting around the Philadelphia area on SEPTA leaves a bit to be desired. The fuck is a regional rail anyway? What seems to be the simple task of getting from West Chester to Manayunk -- "Manjunk" to those in the know -- instead proves to be both excessively time-consuming and confusing. I made this chart to illustrate.

As you can see, there is no direct route between Manayunk (depicted by bikers and drunks holding bottles, one of whom is about to get run over) and West Chester. Doesn't SEPTA realize there is a veritable goldmine of entitled ex-frat boys and sorostitutes dying to travel between two of the major Delaware Valley party hubs or something? These are not the types to make 3 transfers to get to their destination, including one in West Philly (Swank Bar anyone?).

I guess this is where the glories of the automobile are made plain. A 45 minute drive is a bit more palatable than hours on buses and trains. But in this post-$4/gallon world, adjustments should be made. Unfortunately, looking to SEPTA for innovation and problem-solving is like asking the "blue-collar whites" to vote for Obama. You're likely to get all kinds of ill-thought excuses and lies framed in hostility.

God how I miss the el. My list of cities with better public transit than Philly reads like a list of every city I've ever visited or lived in, except for LA. Even Denver was better. But you work with what you got. When you need to get to a place where open container laws are openly mocked, a mardi gras without the beads, you suck it up and ride the bus for three hours.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Everything happens for a reason

Who hits two triples in one game? VICTORINO

Despite my current inherent illness, anytime the Flyin Hawaiian throws out a Brave to win in the 10th, something is gonna get posted.

Even if it is just the Pearl Harbor of the Bike-Car war and links to drunken pigs.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

That's the last time you put a knife in me

Saw Darjeeling Limited the other day -- it was OK, probably my "least" favorite Wes Anderson movie. Still liked it though. Poisonous snakes are hilarious.

But it got me thinking: Hey, a post about Wes Anderson movies might be warranted. And then today I couldn't think of anything else to write about. So let's put on some David Bowie in Portuguese and take a morosely hilarious look at his filmography, possibly while seeking parental approval as an adult and getting involved in some bizarre romantic entanglements.

First off, Martin Scorsese chose him as the next Martin Scorsese, a piece of trivia that amuses me for some reason. His name certainly belongs on the list of young filmmakers that got started in the past decade or so. Off the top of my head let's throw out David O. Russell, Paul Thomas Anderson, Darren Aronofsky, and of course McG.

Anderson's movies certainly hold their own with the likes of Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, if not Boogie Nights. Lets run 'em down list-style. After all, what is the internet without arbitrary rankings?
1. Royal Tenenbaums
2. Life Aquatic
3. Rushmore
4. Bottle Rocket
5. Darjeeling Limited/Hotel Chevalier

Not sure why I think Tenenbaum's is my favorite, possibly the scene where the priest gets knocked down the stairs. More likely the reason is Gene Hackman as the total ass Royal. Constantly reminding his daughter she's adopted? Comic gold. I could recite quotes from this movie all day. Also, Owen Wilson has never been better than he is here as the mescaline-addicted(?) Eli Cash. Please stop belittling me.

Life Aquatic may be a little high here, just like Bill Murray is throughout the film. Steve Zissou really is pretty much Royal Tenenbaum on a boat. But the stop motion fish and the gunfight are surprisingly funny. Also Klaus. And I'll take that last scene over just about any other movie ever.

/slow motion

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

See the strings that control the system

What has to be the longest presidential campaign is finally over. Well, not "over" per say, but we at least know who the two final candidates will be. Unless one of them dies. You know, because second wave feminists are racist sharpshooters and McCain has cancer.

Nah, that's just the cynicism talking. Now we can "look forward" to "news articles" containing assorted contrived storylines pre-decided by the black liberal elite and war profiteers. These narratives will likely be so annoying by November you won't vote out of spite. At least I know I will. Or won't. Writing is hard.

Anyway, the most obvious storyline is how historic this election is. You see Obama is historically black, and McCain is historically old. Have no doubts that no matter what happens, it will be historic. Oh yes this election will go down in history as one of the most historic elections in the history of elections.

I was just reading the AP roundup story, and Ed Rendell was quoted as saying "I am the last of the Mohicans" for some reason. Apparently my governor is a big fan of Daniel Day Lewis. I look forward to more stupid quotes. Perhaps something about drinking Obama's milkshake? Terrible.

I just wish the good doctor was still around to see this.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Is it bad that I'm extremely envious of this guy? Also, sorry about the Limp Bizkit.

Monday, June 02, 2008


Did you see the MTV Movie awards last night? Neither did I for the most part. Fucking Shills. But there was one part where Seth Rogen and James Franco smoked weed on stage (shilling for Pineapple Express of course). Or maybe it was fake weed. Robert Downey Jr. was confused.

But really, who cares about summer movie season when our brave troops are soldiering through fields of deadly ganja in Afghanistan. Drugs are bad.

Two things

Blogger is being a little bitch today, so we'll see if this works. I went golfing yesterday, shot a smooth 140. At least I didn't lose my ball like this girl. That link is horribly unsafe for work.

And in case you missed it -- the new book club is going to be "Snow Crash" by Neal Stephenson. It's the tale of Hiro Protagonist, a freelance hacker living in the not too distant future. I wanted to do Stephenson's "Cryptonomicon" but its like 1000 pages long, and has a bit too much math for the goats. Also, "Master and Margerita" is waiting in the wings -- chances are I may start reading that before snow crash is done.