The show of a thousand questions

As per request, here is a "humorous" take on the season premiere of LOST. Although I am hesitant to devote much time to writing about television, because, ugh, TV blogging. Hey look everyone, we watched the same show, and now we can talk about it in some sort of virtual water-cooler/comment section. A hearty congratulations to all for watching the same program that is beamed into our homes through cables and satellites. We have truly achieved something to be proud of: A shared experience through the miracle of modern technology!

Cynicism aside, LOST is one of those shows where a deconstruction can add value, or at least understanding. This particular post will likely do neither. But I'd much rather write about this, as opposed to something disposably wretched like "Jersey Shore" or "Hoarders," which are barely worth thinking about during viewing, let alone after the fact. No, LOST actually has something to it. Themes and such. Also it's plenty confusing/convoluted. This interactive timeline is handy in that respect.

So, we come to the episode. A quick disclaimer: Don't look to me for clues and facts about what is going on, plotwise. My knowledge of this show's mythology is spotty at best, considering I didn't watch most of seasons 3 and 4. If you want that, by all means, go read some other shit somewhere else. Lord knows it's out there. That is not to say there won't be SPOILERS below for people who care about such things. Anyway: The premiere starts right after last season's cliffhanger ending, with the aftermath of the flash that happened when Juliet decided that banging on a nuclear warhead with a rock was a good idea/would work out. But wait, it did work out, because now all the castaways are back on the plane and it doesn't crash!

But wait again, how is that possible? Because if they never crashed in the first place, then none of the time-travelly events that led to that nuke-smashing would have taken place. I smell paradox! So obviously the answer that this non-crash world is an alternate reality, where Jack and Locke form the natural friendship of a paraplegic and a spinal surgeon, forged through the mutual experience of lost luggage containing knives and dead father. Meanwhile, in the narrative where the plane still did crash, the "blow up electromagnetic energy" plan didn't work, shockingly, but still transported everyone back to the present? Although Juliet says it did work, and then promptly dies, presumably to return to her child-molesting/murdering ways back on the mainland (oh, a Running Scared reference, clearly necessary).

Which puts us where? The smoke monster in human form, then not, then again? Kate beating the hell out of some U.S. Marshall-type figure, and then going on the run, like Harrison Ford or dare I say Wesley Snipes? The two realities having vague, non-descript parallels, until somehow merging into one mid-season? Desmond popping up in random places/times, because the rules don't apply to him? Sawyer sounding suspiciously like the voice of the dog from A Boy and His Dog? Space coyote?

Tune in next week, when none of these questions will be answered, and 10 more will be introduced.