Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Fatty fat fat

In case you can't tell from that picture, those dolphins are terribly overweight. It's true. Apparently they have been snacking on increasingly-fatty mackerel, who have been slacking off and are not in fighting shape. (Mackerel are well known for their fighting ability you see). Undoubtedly the Mackerel have gotten lazy due to the increasing number of "dead zones" in the ocean, which means less competition for whatever it is that they eat. Ecology.

Anyway, dolphins:

Kinosaki Marine World in western Japan said Tuesday that all its 19 dolphins have been on a low fat diet since late August, when they started failing to hit jumping targets and keep upright while treading water.
"We were puzzled by their poor performance, then we noticed they looked rounder," said Haruo Imazu, the park spokesman.

First they were to give the dolphins liposuction, but then they realized thats stupid. So now they are on a new diet and increased exercise, which will hopefully get them back to being dol-THINS! Bahahahahaha. Gunshot.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Surreal Japanese hip-hop you say?

And yes, this is only here to push that awful picture of Prince Fielder down the page.

This is disturbing

Standing just out of frame? Ned Yost.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

American Voter

Good luck!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Riding a white horse

"Hot death" would be a good way sum up the goats state of mind/body today. Coming into work still half-drunk is always a good thing. No words really, except that the bizarre craziness of 208 Audubon Manor will be documented. Not today, except to say watching selected scenes from Full Metal Jacket in reverse order is disorienting at best. Let's have a few links or something?

David Letterman has all the answers. Or none. I'm suspending all posts on presidential politics. Not really.

You know who wins at yelling? Samuel L. Jackson. Or if you prefer lists including videos to videos, here.

Whatever. Go Phillies.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Bail out THIS (motion toward crotch)

"Those rich fucks."
-Walter Sobchak

By now you've undoubtedly heard about the socialist nationalization of every financial institution in the world by Friday. It's not exactly clear what will happen if trillions of taxpayer dollars are not transferred to shifty-eyed bankers, but I am assured it will be terrible. Thousands of home foreclosures every month? Eskimo president? Random subway hammer attacks?

Some say that rushing into this poorly-vetted plan is a bad idea. To them, I say what other option is there? None. Until now. Yes that's right I have been hard at work in my slum-cell coming up with the surefire answer to this well-to-do crisis. Miller-Coors has been asked by states to abandon plans for Sparks Red -- a new version of their alcoholic energy drink enjoyed by bro-dudes everywhere. This new drink would allow collars to be popped with 40 percent more fierceness. Now? No.

Obviously this is a horrible mistake. So why not empty the treasury for something that people actually understand: Red Bull gives you wings. Imagine the advances that could be made in energy drink technology when it's combined with the full fiscal force of the American worker. I bet the national heart rate could be increased to 150 bpm, at minimum.

According to a comment I just read on Alternet, Rockstar energy drink is owned by a bunch of fascists -- namely commentator and radio host Michael Savage's son, Scott Evil. So that'd be great place to start implementing some Mussolini-style corporate government. EXTREME corporate government.

This plan would have world-wide effects, which should be not ignored or imagined. The increase in energy drink distribution and marketing alone could very well move us toward an idyllic Brawndo world of tomorrow. Picture thousands of crates of Crunk Juice air-dropped to needy Africans. Not to mention the increased productivity of bridge builders.

Now there will be naysayers. Wah wah, population growth. While the negative health effects of these fluorescent liquids are still hotly debated by scientists, I have a sneaking suspicion chemical sugar water may be bad for the cardiovascular or reproductive systems. Meaning more people would die sooner and also less babies would be born. Still. Better than the alternative.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Another video

Yes, the goats have been slacking/lazy over the past week or so. Sue me.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Merciful Friday

"When I used go out I would know everyone that I saw.
Now I go out alone if I go out at all."
-The Walkmen

Whew. It's been a long week and I am tired (of these motherfucking snakes). Just couldn't shake the eagles hangover, at all. Not to mention a bunch of work BULLSHIT that I don't really want to get into. It's stupid and boring and has been summed up here under different circumstances.

But yeah, this week was crazy in the news. Let's take a look back and see what's best to ignore.

The other shoe is finally dropping on the old "let's give out adjustable rate home loans to everyone with shitty credit, and then sell their debt up the ladder until it pervades the entire financial industry" strategy. Genius. I mean, how could that possibly fail? But it did and now China will soon own the entire country. Either that or magic fairy's will make it all vanish. This is why I don't have a 401k and invest all my savings in souvenir talking fish. Now that is a growth industry.
Ignorability: High, until the 400% inflation

Yes please /b/tards, give the McCain campaign more ammunition with which to play the victim card. Boo hoo, some one hacked into a free online e-mail account being used for state business. Surely no one could ever guess that super secret password, "popcorn." Anonymous needs to go back to harmless pursuits like supporting Ron Paul and holding anti-scientology rallies. Besides, doesn't the NSA already read everyone's e-mails?
Ignorability: Would be high, if not for the hilarity

A Florida judge ruled that a ban on saggy pants is unconstitutional. Finally, someone is standing up for the poor, the beltless, and those who cannot afford suspenders. Also, the ban was racist.
Ignorability: Medium

The local nine are back in front in the NL East. And with the Brewers ongoing meltdown, a berth in the post-season via division or wildcard is looking more likely by the day. Praise be to Rollins!
Ignorability: Regional

Some hurricane hit Texas. Galveston got New Orleans-itized and may or may not be washed into the sea. Frankly, I wouldn't mind if it did. Does this mean climate change is real? Of course not.
Ignorability: Extremely high

That's it, I'm going to go stab myself in the eye with a paper clip. I can bend it to get both eyes at once! Talent!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Concievably, a post

The goats escaped from their pen earlier this week. Currently local cops are hilariously chasing after them in neighboring fields. Hopefully they will soon catch them and return us to our regular posting schedule of resentment-filled rants, irony and pictures of cute ducks.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Eagles - Cowboys: This time it's marginal

Yes, yes I am going to actually attempt a live blog. Fresh off a 10-mile bike ride in the dark from Victory brewing. Let's do this thing until I get lazy/bored.

Pregame: What are the odds Kornheiser mentions the suicide of David Foster Wallace sometime tonight? You know Dennis Miller would have. See: Commencement speech.

Just saw a trailer for the Max Payne movie. Best video game movie ever? It does have Marlo Stanfield.

Fuck you start the game.

And the Cowboys start the game with one of the fundamental follies: Kicking the ball out of bounds. Birds starting at the 40. Westbrook is good.

Ok we got a commercial break, 3-0 Birds. DeSean Jackson just didn't fumble. I am already losing interest in this. It will be the most half-assed piece of garbage ever.

Let's try some sense of place. I am sitting here in my dirty ass apartment. I may upload a photo so you can see the filth in which I live. Somewhere around 2019 Ridge (for life), except only with 2 people. One of us is even moving to China! Sorry if that makes sense none but 2 of you.


I want TO to race Usain Bolt.

Apparently I have been written into a movie called "Messengers From Hell" playing a cop named Brady Ahorn. That is not even a joke. Obviously I've completely stopped paying attention to the game. Eagles got another field goal I guess. 7-6.

Glad I'm not paying attention. 14-6 Cowboys up. Time for some wine.

13-14. Now seems as good a time as any to post this. End of October. Call for details.

And the eagles just recovered a fumble in the endzone. Clearly a good sign.

I strongly dislike Terrell Owens. 20-21. Teen Wolf is on Fuse.

This game is fucking ridiculous. As is DeSean Jackson. He's is all like, fuck you I ain't scoring. FreeDarko? He was just helping pad Westbrook's stats.

TO 's been on some myostatin treatments.

You can't touch Donovan McNabb.

I think this is over. It's nearly halftime. Enjoy Norm MacDonald.

Ka Chow

Somebody shoved a bomb up Bam Margera's ass or something so I've been running around all morning dealing with that. Look for a live blog this evening for Eagles-Cowboys. Maybe.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Nothing out of the ordinary

Hey look over there, it's a terrible column I wrote hungover about not having a car!

Here's some other stuff:

Intelligent people should look at this whenever they start hyperventilating about the latest election idiocy. It helps me at least.

Also in politics, I guess, is this twitter feed. Lack of context is the best.

Been mulling what Kurt Vonnegut book to read, any suggestions outside of Slaughterhouse Five? in the meantime there's always The Big Space Fuck.

The hell is this? Russian?

That's it, enjoy the weekend. Phillies-Brewers should be interesting. Also, football of all sorts. Later.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Breaking: Monkey Race

You know it's well-trained when it can beat a guy on a unicycle.

Meat massacre

Ah yes, one of nature's great success stories, the hot dog. This gastronomic wonder, while not exotic, is still enjoying a renaissance in ballparks across the country. Just yesterday a veritable cornucopia of these presumably meat-based foodstuffs gathered in their traditional fashion the "Dollar Dog Day." The sometimes-peaceful weenies hoped to conduct their traditional ethnic dances and possibly lynch some vienna sausages.

Unfortunately for the freedom-loving franks, knowledge of their gathering was widely disseminated by the media. Stupid elitists and their hatred of animal byproducts. Needless to say, this news meant thousands of voracious young men and women -- not one of whom weighing less than 200 pounds -- were lying in wait, camouflaging their deadly girth with assorted "jerseys." And when the time was right, they desperately crammed the innocent dogs into their gaping maws at a record pace.

Those who were there can only look back in horror and hope to someday be able to discuss the horrible tragedy in support groups. It was undoubtedly a bloodbath. And now literally tens of thousands of chaste wieners' lives have been claimed. Fortunately due to the miracle of processing, part of all these conceivably-meat products live on forever in the large intestines of those fat souls in attendance on that day. At least that's what will be told to their grandchildren.

Monday, September 08, 2008

And Again

Lazy. Enjoy Triumph.

Friday, September 05, 2008

Book Club: Master and Margarita

Bet you thought I forgot about this one didn't you? Well I did kind of. But thanks to excessive travel via bus over the past couple weeks, I finally finished this Russian bitch. Is there anything better than Soviet satire? For those (all) of you haven't read this, it's Mikael Bulgakov's re-imagining of the stories of Faust and Pontius Pilate -- as the devil comes to Moscow at a time when godless communism is all the rage.

Along with old satan comes his retinue, including a poorly-dressed choirmaster, a giant talking black cat, a naked witch, and a dude with a fang and a wall-eye. All of whom fuck with the general population in hilariously psychotic ways. I am clearly not well-versed in biblical mythology, or the Russian context that is likely necessary to fully appreciate this novel. At least that's what I gathered from reading the notes at the end of the version I have. But I was still able to pick up on some generalities.

The first most obvious is the retelling of the story of Pontius Pilate and Jesus. Obvious because it takes place in an entirely different time and place. This is kind of a novel within a novel, as it was written by the Master. I guess it is good, but once again, I lack the necessary background to fully appreciate these sections.

What I can appreciate is Behemoth, the talking black cat and all-around lovable scamp who rips off the heads of emcees. The citizens of Moscow are repeatedly driven insane by his pyromania-fueled antics. Along with his co-hort Korovyov they totally fuck with everyone at their performance of black magic at the Variety Theater. A performance which sits as the centerpiece of the first half of the novel.

One other thing I'd like to point out is that I think some of the humor here is lost in translation. There is wordplay and references to Soviet cultural artifacts all over the place. The devil only knows what is really going on.

Well there you go TMoney, put that in your syllabus and smoke it.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Sinking Sickness

Thanks Shoals for saying what I'm thinking but unable to express.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Shut up

For your possible infotainment: Here are some subjects that should get more media coverage than the illegitimate love children of vice presidential candidates children, whose father may be or may not be nicknamed "Meat." Or hurricanes that didn't destroy New Orleans.

African plane crashes

The Coen Brothers\

Chicago school protests

Google to launch web browser, announces it via webcomic

In a world ... where one man set out to make a difference ... he died due to complications from medical treatment

Helen Mirren loves the coke

And finally, anything about bacon

Good Morning

I can think of no better way to start a short week than a simulation of a giant asteroid hitting earth set to Pink Floyd. Prove me wrong.