Monday, March 31, 2008

Opening Day: A picture gallery

The Phillies are losing, which is the real indication that baseball's back -- at least if you live in the Phillopolis. To celebrate, lets take a look at some baseball images that may or may not have appeared here in the past.

Needless to day, I am pretty excited and not sober about the new season. Especially because of the season tickets.

The best analogy I can make for the Phils is that they are like a bunch of robotic lions that join together and form a giant robot man that possibly shoot lasers out of its eyes or hands. Is it sad I am prouder of this 'shop than anything else I've ever done?

I forget how I came up with the idea for this one, but it certainly proves my debilitating racism. (Note: racism probably not debilitating). Gorillas don't take steroids!

Hmm, what other teams are good in the National League? Brewers? Cubs? If only those two teams could be combined into an underage drunken bear. Wait a minute ...

Well that's not really all that baseball related, sue me. JROLL YARD BITCH TIES FOR ALL.

Who could forget Victorino as creationist Jesus? His favorite film is The Passion of the Christ for some reason.

It seems most of the stuff in the archives is Phillies related. It's almost like I prefer that team over the others. But I know we have at least one twins fan who stops by on occasion, and whose favorite author is Kent Hrbek no doubt.

Well the Phils are now down 4 and that's about all I can manage for now. In closing: Mr. Met is a kid toucher.

the hell is this?

Oh you crazy russians, what will you think of next?

Friday, March 28, 2008

Overrun by badgers

Here's some crap I stumbled across while trying to determine the right stripper for my funeral.

In disturbing global power-broker news, we have the world's most comprehensive war game. I just hope Matthew Broderick doesn't hack it.

This is my BOOMSTICK. That's a pretty fun little flash game right there. Almost as good as Ninja.

Every episode of Scientific American Frontiers is available online. Before the Discovery Channel, this was basically it for entertaining science programming (sorry Nova). Plus it's hosted by Hawkeye, whose cheeky antics are always good for a laugh.

Speaking of archives, Sports Illustrated has opened their vault.

There is no way I will ever find a video as awesome as the Predator Rap from last week. But I'm going to try anyway -- here's a bunch of drunk people falling down.

Hrm, what else? The consumerists ultimate guide fighting back could be useful to people who buy things. I prefer to get my material goods "free" if you know what I mean.

Finally, we have the most ridiculous headline I've seen this week -- Child Molester: Bigfoot Raped Me. Now that's news you can use.

That's it, I'm going to go look for a manic-depressive who wagered his life savings on a basketball game. Laters.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

It's time to legalize cats!

Only South Park can combine the movie Heavy Metal, the Diary of Anne Frank, cat urine, Eliot Spitzer press conferences and rockin' tits into one (somewhat) cohesive narrative.

If you didn't see the episode last night, I highly recommend you head over here and watch it. For someone who has missed their fair share of South Park, that site is a godsend. Finally saw the end of Imaginationland.

Elsewhere in South Park land, the ever expanding Onion AV Club has an insightful interview with Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Pretty interesting read, for example how they tackle political issues by taking on the emotions behind the politics.

Take last nights episode for example -- the satire about newsmedia playing on parents fears of their kids getting high on cat pee, which almost an afterthought with all the crazy other stuff going on. And Cartman is some sort of feline Oscar Schindler.

Also, it's been noted before, but the quick turnaround they get on episodes really helps with the timely satire. The take on the Spitzer press conference is a perfect example. As a coworker said to me -- the Simpson's will probably be making Spitzer Swallows jokes in 2009.

Plus, if Heavy Metal isn't overripe for parody, what is? The cats who made this were cheesing balls.
Edit: Because I can, I turned that Heavy Metal clip into a link and put this up instead. Fox News is hilarious.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

NCAAs first weekend brought to you by corporate shills

Well the first weekend of the NCAA tournament is over, and the bracket is busted or something to that effect. But at least the Sixers are still alive and, er, dancing in the NBA dance team bracket.

Anyway, I thought I'd take a look at the first weekend through the eyes of the not-so benevolent corporations who are paying for it. So get out your copy of "No Logo" put on your robe and wizard hat ironically brand-name T-Shirt, and try not to stab yourself in your good eye as we look at the glorious commercial shills that have gained exposure during the NCAA tournament, along with their sweet 16 team equivalent.

Hot DirectTV redhead

We'll start off with something that is at least easy on the eyes. I'm not sure what she's selling, and I don't care. Attractive women on television -- what a wonderful world.
Tourney equivalent: The Cinderellas: Davidson/Villanova/Western Kentucky.

Idiot Coke executives
Speaking of eye-stabbing, we have these two yahoos. Two coke execs consulting with various miss-matched attorneys about their possible legal actions against Coke Zero because of so-called taste infringement. But everyone knows Coke owns Coke Zero, so why would you sue your own company? That real estate lawyer is hilariously befuddled. What they really should be asking about is their liability for using cancer-causing sweeteners instead of sugar. Fuck these commercials in the ear.
Tourney equivalent: North Carolina. Tyler Hansbrough should sue someone for intensity infringement.

People lacking bars
If these AT&T spots are to be believed, a lack of bars is the number one threat to your going to the final four/seeing Motorhead in concert/having a dateable daughter. Sure I can accept the final four guy premise, after all, it is being advertised during a basketball tournament. And Motorhead rocks. But the guy rapping on windows at the teenage makeout spot? Wrong. I don't want to deconstruct this too much or look too deeply, but its probably fair to say this emblematic of the downfall of Western civilization. Who are they even marketing to? Teenage girls don't watch the NCAAs, so I can only surmise they are targeting parents. So the message is: Get this wireless service or your kids will yell at you? Whatever. I crave bars.
Tourney equivalent: West Virginia, because that rural mountainous state clearly lacks quality cell phone signal.

Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother

Thus begins a pop starlet's slow climb back to respectability? I doubt it. But this ad actually worked on me a bit, because I was flipping through the channels and stopped on this (after watching the first 20 minutes of Colbert). From what I could tell, Spears played some sort of slut. Clearly a stretch for her. Also worth noting: NPH is still hilarious.
Tourney Equivalent: Wisconsin for some reason.

Cuba Gooding Jr. awkwardly running toward and embracing Michael Jordan
Is there a bigger shill in the world than Cuba Gooding Jr.? The guy would clearly do anything for a buck. I am wistful for the days of Chill Factor. And Michael Jordan has no soul. He is a corporate entity, completely lacking humanity except through his friendship with Charles Oakley. But at least these spots have some sort of basic premise (idiotic though it may be) as opposed to the previous Hanes commercials featuring Jordan and Kevin Bacon inexplicably hanging out in their underwear. Also: Poop jokes are hilarious.

Tourney Equivalent: Tennessee.

Athletes talking shit to us for some reason
LaDanian Tomlinson's quick "smells like french toast" whatever the fuck that means. Just one more in the long line of Nike ad campaigns that try to make athletes more than human, and certainly better than you, the fat drunken slob sitting on the couch. If you cut Adrian Peterson, does he not bleed?
Tourney Equivalent: UCLA

Astronaut Tiger Woods
Perhaps it's because I only saw this once, but the idea of the world's greatest golfer playing on the moon actually is kind of a cool idea. Although I do question the effectiveness of his swing while wearing one of those big space suits. It would be better if he it the ball and it went flying down toward earth and created a big crater. Yeah. Golf in Space! Riveting!
Tourney Equivalent: Washington State?

Ubiquitous UPS white board ads
I just like the use of the opening riff of Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" here. Does electronic music have riffs? Hey dr.gpeice/ Charles, remember when Nilay and/or Pravs said "what can browns do for you?" That was funny.
Tourney Equivalent: Louisville/Xavier/Stanford because they could deliver or something.

VW Car Alarm Guy
Saved the best (and by best I mean worst) for last. This is the spot where the guy keeps a young couple away from his freshly purchased VW by setting off the alarm. This is just fucking stupid. Wouldn't the guy want to take his new car out of the dealership and drive it? Also, black people don't drive Volkswagens. At least I've never seen one.
Tourney Equivalent: Memphis

Well there you have it. Clearly I watch too much TV.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Mature Man of the World

My thoughts are scattered and unruly this morning. So while I try to give them some sense of order, enjoy this picture of President Bush with his new best friend (apparently).

Monday, March 24, 2008

PSA: Chescodrinks

This is just a reminder to check out your number one source for drinking the suburbs of Philadelphia, Chescodrinks. It's really starting to come together, we are somehow sponsoring an event at a bar in Oxford in two weeks.

So, yeah, if anyone actually reads this blog who lives around Philly, go there. I'll probably have a good post here tomorrow. Possibly some sort of ridiculous NCAA first weekend wrap-up with more gay jokes.

Shut up and kiss me

To celebrate their berth in the sweet sixteen, Villanova coach Jay Wright and star guard Scottie Reynolds finally gave into their unspoken love for each other, and buttsex. The End.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Bonus: Predator Rap

This is without a doubt the greatest thing I have ever seen.

He's the coolest

image from xkcd

Here's some crap I found while trying to determine the best way to link to this.

The news around here this week was Obama's speech at the constitution center in Philly. You can watch it in its entirety on Youtube. While it may a little long, never have you heard a national politician speak so frankly about racial issues in America. Forget the pundits and the soundbites, watch it for yourself and make up your own mind. Although it is kind of sad that this stuff isn't patently obvious to everyone. You mean racism is bad?

In entertainment news, the John Adams miniseries on HBO is pretty good. Chock full of riveting Continental Congress action.

Elsewhere on HBO (apparently I am an unpaid shill for that network), Bob Odenkirk and David Cross are teaming up again for some sort of new show, dubbed David's situation. No word on whether there will be any taint-related sketches.

This butterfly knows what's up.

Shotgun tank rounds? That'll disperse a crowd in a hurry.

Keeping with the theme of videos this week: Youtube just announced their annual awards. It's a complete abortion that Powerthirst didn't win for comedy. Turbopuns are awesome.

Here's some sort of crazy spirograph that kept me entertained for a minute or three.

This week's video is a collection of clips from The Wire (what else?). Boris is the man. NSFW language/shotgun.

Finally we have this groundbreaking study that has determined that a large number of old people are retarded. This study confuses and frightens me.

That's it, I'm going to go con the American public. Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

FGBC: Blah motherf*cking Blah

Longtime readers here will know I usually regard this blog with a mix of casual indifference and petulant disdain. And that was certainly the case last week, when this beloved feature didn't get posted (or written for that matter).

Excuses for this failure are legion -- mainly I was waging some sort of cold war style conflict with Final Cut Pro. Fucking Apple. I hope Steve Jobs gets cancer. What? Oh ...

Perhaps its best if we move on. If I was keeping up with the self-imposed schedule, we would be on chapter 10 of Blood Meridian at this point. I think I'm actually still on chapter 8 -- but I'm not sure because the book accidentally got kicked under the couch last week in a bout of belligerence and I left it there.

Something about Indians or squaws. I do remember a bunch of conversations in spanish, which was riveting because I don't speak a lick of spanish. Although I'm not sure it would have made any sense even if I did understand it. Huh?

The part where the black guy decapitates the white guy was pretty cool. Take that whitey, hahahahaha!

Yeah, so in case you haven't noticed, there's actually a summary of what happens in each chapter at the beginning of that chapter. So in lieu of me writing summaries, and in turn being forced to think, just read that. Analysis makes my brain hurt, especially mornings after the $2 Lager special at Jitters. So if this post is rambling and incoherent, blame Yuengling.

Unanswered Questions

Will this be the last ever book club post?
Narrative similarities to Murder by Death lyrics?
Jackson & Jackson, old west equivalent of black and white cookie?
Judge Holden or Anton Chirgurgh?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

More badassery

Let's revisit the subject of the most popular post in the history of this here blog (5 Diggs? Holla!) with some more badass characters. Previously we took a look at some of the more obscure badasses in fictional history. Here we'll get probably more obscure, cause everyone loves things they haven't seen, right?

With some of these we may be veering away from badass and into sociopathic territory. It's a fine line. But we'll at least start with someone who could be called honorable. A word of warning, all these videos are probably NSFW.

Omar Little - A man's got to have a code. Omar's a modern day Robin Hood -- he robs drug dealers. Probably more than 50 percent of Wire fans would list him as their favorite character. His rep is so deadly that he can go wandering the streets in a bathrobe seeking Honey Nut Cheerios and dealers will hand over their stash. Also, he lies under oath to put murderers behind bars. And he never put his gun on a citizen. Let's look at a clip, the classic old-west style showdown with Brother Mouzone (a badass in his own right) in Season 3.
I keeps one in the chamber in case you ponderin'

Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files
This guy could more accurately called sinister. But I wanted to put some X-Files character on this list, and Alex Krycek just wasn't going to cut it, no matter how many hands he's had cut off by russians. Cigarette Smoking Man is basically the bad guy in this show -- always concealing the truth that Mulder wants to reveal. Mostly alien conspiracies and the like such as smallpox causing bees, black oil, and vampire gypsies. He's a cold-blooded killer whose talents benefit a global syndicate -- but while the members of the syndicate all live in posh mansions and own horse farms, the CSM lives in a meager apartment where he smokes and drinks in the dark while watching old black and white war movies on TV. And he killed JFK.

Anton Chigurgh
Here's where we really veer into sociopathic territory. Chigurgh is less a man than a force of nature. The only person who escapes his wrath is non-confrontational Sheriff Ed Tom Bell, because he keeps his head down and out of harms way. I'm pretty sure if I ever saw Javier Bardem in a pageboy gimping down the street I would run the other way, and fast. Also -- silenced shotgun? Clearly necessary. Here we have the coin-toss scene. Stupid gas station attendant, stop trying to make small talk with death incarnate.

Slim Charles
What? You expected only one character from The Wire? Wrong. The tall man proves his gangster cred repeatedly. He's a mercenary, pure and simple. First with the Barksdales, then Prop Joe, then the New Day Co-Op. Some of his highlights include bringing Cutty back in the game(albeit briefly) and 'That was for Joe.' He may be the only street character on the Wire to show sentiment and not pay for it. Here is a clip where he is counseling Avon Barksdale on their gang war with Marlo, or possibly middle eastern politics. Slim Charles for president!

Tony Montana
Here's our token Al Pacino appearance. What, you expected Big Boy Caprice in Dick Tracy? Sorry to disappoint. And yes, I know Scarface is awful. Brian De Palma made a super-stylized violent epic that's way too long (Better or worse film than Smoking Aces? discuss). But despite any problems the film has, Tony Montana is a fucking nutball. He's such a one-dimensional characture that he has earned the reverence of many a rapper who have been featured on MTV Cribs. He rises to the top of Miami's coke trade after escaping death by chainsaw. If you need more convincing, well, say hello to my little fren'

Lil' Ze in 'City of God'
For those who don't know, this movie is about some boys growing up in the slums of Rio de Janiero in the 60s and 70s. Shit is nuts, and I highly recommend seeing it despite the subtitles. Take it from Time Magazine, "The film is seductive, disturbing, enthralling — a trip to hell that gives the passengers a great ride." This movie is chock full o' badass, but Lil' Ze gets the nod here because he's the craziest cat in the craziest slum in the world. He's all business, a stone-cold killer from birth. Here we have Lil' Ze getting blessed by some sort of Brazilian priest and then taking over the city's drug trade followed by some other (unrelated) stuff that happens in the film. I wish you could still get weed in lids.

Monday, March 17, 2008

The Associated Stupid

Today I was perusing the AP wire, looking for stuff to update our terrible website and I came across this article about how the Associated Press doesn't know anything about the Internet and is 5 years behind the times. Although it does use the always popular term 'news hole.'

Then I came across this abortion of an article about Jason Taylor's upcoming appearance on the idiotic ABC megahit Dancing with the Stars. It includes such cringe-worthy chestnuts as 'It's different than football' and how Taylor never dances 'at weddings' but is now going to do so on live television for some reason.

My point, you ask? Well, I'm not really sure. I think I had one, kinda, but I had to get up from my desk and go to a St. Patty's Day employee mixer. Messed up my flow. I think the gist of it was that while the Associated Press is a valuable tool for newspapers and journalists -- it also sucks. Many AP writers are hacks (Jake Coyle), and this is the happy horseshit that gets widely disseminated to old people who still use America Online.

Sure, I (and probably anyone reading this, although I have my doubts about anonymous) can go on the intertubes and find whatever the fuck they want in today's news. A steady diet of assorted blogs and news sites combines with the AP to make a pretty complete if sometimes depressing view of current events. Also, bees:

SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) -- Millions of swarming honey bees are on the loose after a truck carrying crates of the insects flipped over on a California highway.

In conclusion, this picture.

Friday, March 14, 2008

What? Drunken post?

For your consideration: Who is uglier, Phil Martelli or Drew Gooden?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Appropos of nothing

That's right. It's Prince Charles jamming in Jamaica. I'm not sure why I find this picture so funny, perhaps its the idea of a royal smoking a big Bob Marley joint. It lightens my mood after doing some hardcore news-gathering/recovering from a hangover.

And by hardcore news gathering I mean linking to a high class prostitute's myspace page. Ethics, shmethics -- people just want to see hot chicks in bikinis. Who am I to deny the public what they want.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I am the walrus

Urge to kill rising.

The Video Mac at work decided to crap out yesterday. Well, I should say one of its two hard drives went all clicky and unreadable. The one with the OS on it. Fortunately, all our raw video footage saves on the other drive.

So I was going to install OSX and FinalCut Pro on the alternate drive today so as to edit assorted videos. Some 80 minutes or so needed to be pared down to 30 by the weekend. Sure, it would have been a pain in the ass, but what else would I be doing, writing this blog?

Unfortunately my esteemed boss and editor had other ideas. He decided to take the contraption to the Apple store to get it fixed last night after I left. When I left he said he would give me a call to let me know what was going on, as the top geek at the office was still working on it at the time. I believe my last words to him were "keep me informed." He didn't call.

In case you didn't know (my boss didn't), you need an appointment to bring your Apple in for service. So now that shit is fucking sitting there for 48 hours, and then they will be looking at it. I wish my bosses name was Larry.

That clip is embedded from the new Fox-NBC video sharing joint, Hulu. Pretty good stuff on there, despite the horrible selection of Simpsons clips. I just spent the past 30 minutes looking for the best Office clip to illustrate the similarities between my boss and Michael Scott. It was pretty cathartic.

But none of them truly captured what I was looking for. So here's another from The Big Lebowski. Must refrain from quoting The Jesus at work.

Sure, why not

And yes, it seems Hollywood is out of ideas. You know what that means -- crazy mash-ups galore. How about a movie about some sort of Robot Elvis? He's programmed to rock. Shit, robot anything would be good. Robot Dracula? Hell yeah. Or how about the ultimate hero: Superman Jesus. Last son of a Kryptonian God. Cyborg mummies?
I could do this all day.

Monday, March 10, 2008

They can make up sins now?

So apparently a bunch of Gelgameks were wondering why more and more people don't care about the Vatican or confession or something (I just skimmed the article). And they decided the best way to reach out to young people in this global age is to tell them more shit that will send them to Hell. That's right, it's the 7 deadly sins updated for a new generation. These new sins are more extreme no doubt.

Let's take a look at this latest shining beacon of enlightenment in handy list form (plus snark). It's no 10 commandments of driving, but still:

Environmental pollution - Hey, I agree with this!
Genetic manipulation - Is this just in people? What about Monsanto?
Accumulating excessive wealth - Why does the church hate the american dream?
Creating poverty - I don't know how you do this.
Drugs - Does this count scripts? Or just illegal drugs?
Human experiments - But what about the super-soldiers? We need them to fight foreigns!
Social Injustice - The Dickensian aspect (every post will now contain at least one Wire reference).

Christ these are vague. If I actually lent any credence to what the Catholic Church said, I would need more specifics on how I can avoid committing these new sins. C'mon Nazi Pope, a little help please?

No. These will be interpreted by jackasses in ways that benefit their own ideals. And that includes me. But where I look to the anti-wealth stuff to further my pinko agenda, the religious nuts and instead focus on the human experiments i.e. stem cells. Also I'm not sure where abortion and birth control fit in, but I'm sure its there. Glorious moranity.

Surely this will turn Catholicism around. Be patient, the Vatican is like a giant oil tanker, not the most maneuverable religion. It's no Church of the Subgenius, that's for sure. But hey, if this doesn't work there is always the manga bible.

Cheese got got

Today I shed a single tear for the series finale of 'The Wire.' It was good. Consider it the anti-Sopranos ending. Wrapping up storylines, if not with a nice tidy bow. I'll probably post more, but for now lets consider Anwan Glover aka Slim Charles in 'Hood Related.'

edit: Holy Shit, Cheese is Randy's dad. This was the best show ever.

Friday, March 07, 2008

I need a guitar

Here's some crap I found while counting down the days till The Wire finale.

In case you didn't know, Philadelphia has a rich tradition of beer. In fact, some have called it America's best beer drinking city. And in support of that we have Philly Beer Week, which starts today and runs through the 16th. Here's a calendar of events if you are so inclined. Not usually one for the organized events, so I'm going to just start visiting the 50 best bars in town one by one. I can't believe I've only been to two of those that I remember. Stupid living in the suburbs.

This concept of a Mall Ninja intrigues me. People are dumb.

Speaking of dumb people, this Onion column sums up the attitude I'm talking about pretty well.

Here's a bunch of GMail hacks that I found useful.

It was in the news recently that more than one out of every one hundred Americans is in prison. Why is this the case? Because we love to punish people. Also, institutional racism.

As a former pizza delivery driver, I gotta point out this site. If you ever wonder about delivery etiquette, that there's your bible.

This week's video is a hilarious look at Pat Burrell's spring training "crib" back in 2002. I particularly enjoy the fridge entirely filled with beer and water. Gotta keep your fluids up.

Finally, TV news is garbage.

That's it, I'm going to go do some Holocaust shots. Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

FGBC: Tree of Babies

Here we'll take a look at Blood Meridian chapters 5 and 6. Yes, we are going to two chapters a week because: a) I am reading about 2 chapters a week b) I make the rules and c) I am already getting sick of doing these and this way it will be over quicker.

Anyway, these two chapters start with the aftermath of the Commanche attack. The filibusters are all pretty much dead. Horrific scenes including the aforementioned bush o' babies. Awesome. The kid falls in with some guy named Sproule who intends to "suit himself" by wandering across the desert, seeing some mirages, and then dying.

A good portion of the journey across the desert is spent seeking water. Here we get some more of that McCarthy religious imagery when they go to a seep for a drink: The water that reached the canyon floor was no more than a trickle and they leaned by turns with pursed lips and to the stone like devouts at a shrine.

Eventually, the kid and Sproule come across some Mexican soldiers who take them to Chihuahua. Sproule dies and the kid is imprisoned after seeing Captain White's head in a jar. It should be obvious at this point that death is a major theme of this book. The body count is already higher than First Blood: Part 2 and we haven't even met the Glanton gang.

Speaking of the Glanton Gang, the kid meets up with his old acquaintance Toadvine in prison, and after mulling how much cash they could get for the teeth of their captor, they join up with said gang and the increasingly other-worldly Judge Holden.

Also, while jailed give the kid once again proves his badassery by throwing a rock at a small boy and knocking him off the roof. They ain't about to come in here and eat no whips. Indeed.

Final note, apparently Blood Meridian is going to be made into a movie, directed by Ridley Scott. It will be interesting to see how some of this stuff translates to the big screen, but I'm afraid the answer may be "none too well."

Unanswered Questions
I can't think of any.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Great Movie? Or Greatest Movie?

Ah videos, the savior of many a lazy blogger.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

It's extreme!

In case you missed it, your friend and mine "Blackout Boy" left this comment here yesterday.

From the front lines of the random energy drink search comes good news. I was blessed with sugary goodness that is PimpJuice. It apparently works because later in the night I got some dome on the metro. It was sketchy at best.
BoB raises an interesting point. That of random energy drinks. Apparently there are a wide variety of energy drinks in different areas of the country. This becomes particularly apparent when frequenting various rest stops and subway stations, possibly in search of "dome" as BoB so aptly calls it.

Now I myself am not the biggest fan of energy drinks. Sure I'll drink a jager bomb on occasion; and I drank red bulls aplenty while working as a traveling snow globe salesman in Wisconsin for two weeks in 2004 (this is true). But I'd rather just have a cup of coffee -- you get the quick pick-me-up without the inevitable Type 2 diabetes. Or the dying.

But that doesn't stop me from enjoying some of the hilariously absurd marketing concepts that have been trotted out to sell this caffeinated sugar water. So with all apologies to this, lets look at a few of the crazy energy drinks that we've seen.

The Freek
Never mind the intentional misspelling, this is the only energy drink that promotes foot fetishes right on the can. Also, mad scientists brew it with "evil energy" according to the drinks myspace page: When you open a can of Freek you will be holding in your hands the most Evil Energy known to man. Double the danger of mere mortal energy drinks. This bad brew borders on insane! Our mad scientists know no limits. Throw down this ferocious fuel and unchain your inner Freek.

Jimmy Hendrix Liquid Experience
What's next? Imagine Energy brought to you by John Lennon? Don't answer that. Jimi Hendrix fans were none too pleased to hear about his one, obviously.

Big Black Java MonsterA google image search for "big black java monster" is ill-advised. Also, coffee-flavored energy drinks? Really?

Pimp Juice
There is no reason why this shouldn't exist. It's the number one hip-hop energy drink. Sponsored by Nelly and Reuther Offroad. I also like that it's a "premium" energy drink. This can is like bling in your hand. We can only hope this drink means that Booty Juice could someday become reality. "The butt is like society" indeed.

If you have found any other random energy drinks that you think should be added to the canon, let me know in the comments.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Puppy thrown

If I have learned anything from Mike Vick, it's that people care way more dogs' well-being than people's. So maybe this will finally cause some change, like uh, getting that guy lynched by some sort of virtual mob.

That's cool

In other news, you all should probably go check out my new fledgling project -- Chescodrinks. It fills a gaping void in the interwebs, namely the lack of southeastern Pennsylvania alcoholism news.