Thursday, May 31, 2007

Baseball is strange

The Phillies just got swept by the "D-BACKS" at home.

One game was a blowout. In the other two the Phightins staged a ninth inning rally that fell short by one run. In both cases Michael Bourne Identity committed a baserunning mistake as the tying run.

I got nothing other than I think his new nickname is Michael Bourne Ultimatum, assuming that movie sucks and they demote him for Joey Calloway.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I know life's a bummer baby, but that's got nothing to do with me

"I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me."
-Abe Simpson

Billy was drunk. He had spent the last hour in the bar of the Hotel Marriott in Harrisburg, while a few of his colleagues were recognized by the Society of Professional Journalists upstairs.

The only reason Billy was there was because he had won second place in the far shittier Keystone Awards for a front page design that he didn't even do. But the people who were responsible had moved on to France or TV Guide. And Billy had been working that night so he got a free dinner and plaque.

"Journalism awards are like assholes, they hand them out to everybody," he found himself telling the husband of another award winner. He had presumably snuck out to the bar to watch the Preakness Stakes, which would be going off in about a half hour.

"As long as none of the local horses pull a Barbaro, I'll be happy," Billy said.

"Did your paper do a lot a of stories on Barbaro last year?" the husband asked.

"I would guess about 500," Billy said. He instantly realized this averaged out to more than one per day. He also realized it was an accurate estimate.

The Preakness went off, horses ran really fast and none broke their legs. Billy went upstairs to the reception. His plan was to pound as many gin and tonics as possible during the 45-minute open bar.

After the open bar, Billy followed a few of his coworkers to their assigned table, marked not with the name of their newspaper, but the soulsucking corporate entity that owns it.

He settled in for a banquet of shitty prime rib and shitty wine and found himself sitting next to O'Neill, the crusty night editor.

This was not an ideal position. O'Neill was prone to rambling, incoherent monologues about "where the bodies are buried in Connecticut politics." So Billy decided to go on the offensive.

"Hey O'Neill, when are you going to start a blog?" he said. "Surely you could enlighten some of the young folk on how the world really works."

"Fuck that bullshit," he replied. "It's a sad world we live in when some dweeb on the Internet has as much say as a venerable institution like the Washington Post."

Billy laughed. "The Washington Post? That shit hasn't been relevant since Woodward and Bernstein. I don't see any newspaper reporters calling Bush on his bullshit. It's the bloggers who do that now. Ever heard of The Daily Kos? It's a brave new world. New rules, bitch. Adapt or get the hell out of the way."

This seemed to put O'Neill off, he mumbled something about people living in their mother's basements and moved to another table.

Success! Billy thought. He turned back to the rest of his table, who were divided into two camps. His younger coworkers were stifling laughter while those over 30 were aghast. Shocker.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

It's funny because it's true

Highlights of a weekend at the beach:

-Referring to hot girls as "talent" is for real. So covert and less demeaning than slootz.

-Accidently cutting yourself while drunk ill-advised. Alcohol is a thinning agent and chances are you will leave a trail of blood on the linoleum.

-"Want a moustache ride?" doesn't work as a pickup line, even if you are, in fact, rocking a moustache.

-When a drunk woman backs into the driver-side door of your parked car, be sure to check if the window still works.

-Finally, because Mickey Avalon doesn't have music videos, this.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Municipal government officials are my heroes

Part of my job is covering municipal meetings. In theory, I have 3 townships that I am responsible for.

As you might suspect, nothing ever happens at these meetings. In the past I have written stories about the non-passage of a property maintenaince code and mailboxes getting knocked down by a snowplow.

But today after an epic 4-hour meeting at one of the more "hick" municipalities I think I may have lost my mind. 20 minute dissertations on the state of a fucking guardrail. I actually wrote that line from Billy Madison about rambling and god having mercy on your soul in my notebook. Not sure how I can work that into a story, but its warrants mentioning.

To give you an example of the idiocy that occurs, check out this gem:

Resident: And then she said "I got a tick in my head." So I tells her, "You got to burn it."
Township supervisor: If we could please get back to the matter at hand...
Resident: Well them trees are real tall and the limbs fall down. I can't even sleep on one side of my house when its windy.
Supervisor: well before we get too off topic (editors note: ha!) we have the motion and it's been seconded, all in favor?

Seriously this is what happens. every. fucking. meeting.

I love my job.


I got nothing, so here's your Wednesday post.

Teenagers and Alcohol from the Onion.

Ahh whippets, truly the greatest drug until cheese.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

not slacking

I have a couple posts in the works, including the much-anticipated return of drunken belligerence. Unfortunately I've been too busy slaving away at the old ink mine to form my thoughts into something (semi)coherent on irony and stripclubs.

So here's a video of the worst "movie" scenes ever...


Friday, May 18, 2007

Phriday Philler

"I'm livin in an age, whose name I don't know. Though the fear keeps me moving, still my heart beats so slow."
-Arcade Fire

Do you know who Ron Paul is? Crazy-ass Republican Libertarian candidate for president? He made waves in the latest GOP debate when he said part of the reason for 9/11 was the U.S. foreign policy in the previous 10 years. To which Rudy Guiliani responded:
But Paul is slowly forcing his way into the way the MSM talks about the race, even though he represents everything their against. Anti-war, anti-bureaucracy, pro-legalization, pro-constitution.
Never thought I'd like a so-called "Goldwater" conservative, but here we are.
My favorite part is where Paul says he isn't blaming the American people for 9/11, and CNN flashes the graphic -- "Blames the US for Sept. 11"

SHUT UP BLITZER! Stop ignoring the facts you jingoistic bastard.

Keeping with the bellige politics, if you haven't heard about former Deputy Attorney General James Comey's testimony about Alberto Gonzalez trying to get a bed-ridden sickly John Ashcroft to sign off on the illegal wire-taps, you really are missing out. Here's the video if you want to see it for yourself. As the Daily show so aptly put it, Comey don't play that.

Finally on a lighter note, Ichiro says he could pitch later in his career. I don't even have a joke here. I actually want him to come pitch for the Phillies. Could he play in the field on the days he's not pitching? I am now rhythmically clapping my hands while saying "ee-chee-row."

Thats it, enjoy your weekend, I know I will.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Deathmatch Counter-headbutt: Best rap lyrics

I'm not gonna lie, this was a struggle. With my preference for socially-conscious hip hop and the fact the "Make It Rain" was taken -- not too mention the fear of commenter wrath due to possible misspellings of Olde English brand malt liquor -- much self-medication (and Old English) was needed to make up the mind.

So I channelled my inner angry black man, realized if I was born brown in the projects I'd be dead by now and came up with this list.

Three 6 Mafia - Stay Fly

Gotta stay fly-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i
Until I Die-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i

With lyrics like those, its really no surprise these guys are the only oscar winners on this list.

But seriously...

NWA - Fuck the police

Fuck the police comin straight from the underground
Young nigga got it bad cause I'm brown

This opening salvo from the original gangsta-rappers forced countless whitebread middle Americans to sit up and take notice of the true problem facing the nation's urban areas. Not crack, gang-violence or shitty schools -- but Ice Cube's lack of respect for the law.

Eminem - Who Knew?

Fuck shit ass bitch cunt, shooby-de-doo-wop
Skibbedy-be-bop, a-Christopher Reeves
Sonny Bono, skis horses and hittin some trees

Marshall Mathers first two albums have some of the most innovative/make-you-think lyrics and flows to hit mainstream rap since Wu Tang's 36 Chambers. Like a hip hop South Park from 8 mile, pushing the limits of obscenity just because he can. This isn't even close to the most disturbing lyric the came up with (For that look to 97 Bonnie and Clyde, an entire song based on Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us" where Em tells his daughter about killing her mother). But for pure vulgarity and shock value it's hard to top.

Wu Tang Clan - C.R.E.A.M.

Cash, Rules, Everything, Around, Me
Get the money
Dolla dolla bill y'all

With all apologies to when RZA says "And the survey said -- ya dead," I'll go with the chorus from arguably the best song off the East Coast hip hop collective's seminal album. RIP ODB.

Dead Prez - Hell Yeah (Pimp the System)

Got me flippin burgers with no power
Can't even buy one off what I make in a hour

With Dead Prez, revolutionary but gangsta (RBG), its tough to narrow it down to just one lyric. One track will say how you need "be careful how you season and prepare your foods, cause you don't wanna lose vitamins and minerals" and the next will talk about "runnin up on them crackers in they city hall."

But as far a profound statements go, the "flippin burgers" line is the kind that cuts deep so anyone can understand it. Plus that track has verses on robbing the pizza boy and committing credit card fraud. Fuck it here's the video.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Rap Lyrics

These aren't really good or meaningful, but they're fun to use in random conversation and I think they're powerful in their own simple eloquence.

5. Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne - Make it Rain

Lil Wayne - I make it rain on them hos

This song was already amazing when I heard the "Make it Rain" chorus and then I heard the unedited version that blatantly objectifies and demeans hookers. They're hookers though so they'll get over it. We made it hail on this nasty ho when we started balling up our bills and pelting her in the face with them after she gripped up Hooks at Midge's birthday party. (Cell phone pics are sadly missing, although I was seriously considering uploading them to the company server)

4. Black Rob - Whoa

Black Rob - Grenade through your window bitch, like whoa!

This song is a rap insitution. It's so utterly bad and corny that you can't help but love it. You hear all kinds of rappers boasting about which caliber pistol they would use to vanquish their adversaries, but a grenade? Yes Black Rob, I would be quite alarmed if a grenade came through my window, but this just sounds ridiculous. You jumping two stories down onto a flat bed trailer rigged with pyrotechnics in sync to the break beat in the video isn't helping either.

3. Trick Daddy - 'Dro in the wind

Trick Daddy - You gotsta understand, Trick love da kids

I don't know if it's because Trick is speaking in the third person or because of the profound validity of the statement, but this is a classic. Trick Daddy truly does care about the children and isn't that what really matters after all?

2. Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz - Throw it Up (remix)

Pastor Troy - Wood grain in the mother fucking dualie truck

This is another good one to quote whenever you see a dualie truck because it's always totally plausible that the occupants are indeed rocking the wood grain interior. Plus, if you get the badass Requiem for a Dream-sampled remix, you get to hear another one of Young Buck's gems:

Home of the dirty dirty, stop and they still spinnin
They tried to hit me like 50, but bitch I'm still livin

1. G-Unit - Stunt 101

Young Buck - The ice in my teeth keep the Crystal cold

This is my favorite rap lyric of all time to quote because of a powerful index of reasons why these words should never come out of my mouth. Namely the fact that I'm a dorky white kid that can't afford Crystal nor the diamonds with which to keep it chilled.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Deathmatch Listoff: Best Rap Lyrics

5. Jay-Z, “Allure” (Gray Album Version)

And I can't explain why, I just love to get high
Drink life, smoke the blueberry sky, blink twice
I'm in the blueberry 5, you blink three times
I may not even be alive
How mean James Dean couldn't escape the allure
Dyin young, leavin a good lookin corpse

I don’t know what is a “Blueberry 5,” or why James Dean has to be “mean,” but fuck, if you’re a rapper or a Beatle, you better live your life by these lyrics.

4. Dr. Dre, “Dre Day”

If it ain’t another ho that I gots to fuck with
Gap teeth in yo mouth so my dicks got to fit

Oh the days of Eazy-E vs. the Dre crew. Too bad the feud ended when E died of the Aids.

3. Wu-Tang Clan, “Method Man”

M-E-T-H-O-D Man
M-E-T-H-O-D Man
M-E-T-H-O-D Man
M-E-T-H-O-D Man

I challenge any other person on this earth to repeat their name four times and sound as good as this…for the record, Beetlejuice is not of this earth…

2. Ice Cube, “Who Got the Camera”

Mr. Law had to hit me in the jaw
‘Cause I called them faggots
With guns and badges

The slur against homosexuals here is (a) acceptable cultural relativism, since said lyrics were written in those dark times of 1992, and (b) allowed, when referencing cops. It’s funny because he also denigrates their attire and weapons. The entire song is about Cube getting pulled over and abused by the 5-0, all the while screaming out for someone to videotape. Though at the end he notes that the fucking police are getting badder, ‘cause if he had a camera, it still wouldn’t matter.

1. Snoop Doggy Dogg, “Doggy Dogg World”

You think you got the bomb
‘Cause I rolled you a joint?
You’s a flea. And I’m the big dog
I’ll scratch you off my balls
With my muthafuckin paws

This is the best boast in the history of the universe. Goddamn those were good times for Snoop Deezy. I enjoy the physicality of comparing his enemies to fleas, and then positioning himself as a dog so big, his balls are world enough. Big Dog indeed.

Welcomes to E-roc and dr.piece, by the way. I look forward to deathlisting you both.

So bad its good: Starship Troopers

Criminally underrated by the high-minded and misunderstood by idiots. THIS is the opening scene fer crissake.
If that doesn't intrigue/horrify you, check your pulse.

Basic Plot:

The 1997 film tells the tale of Johnny Rico, Dizzy Ibanez, Doogie Howser, Denise Richards and Gary Busey's son -- among others -- as they travel across space to train for and fight the inevitable giant insect war of the 23rd century.

Also don't forget Michael Ironside as the mechanical-armed ethics teacher/mobile infantry lieutenant.

After our heroes graduate from high school, they get shipped off to their various military gigs.
The bugs somehow launch an an asteroid at earth, destroying Buenos Aires -- which also happens to be this gang of soap opera wannabes' hometown.

So after some corporal punishment for Rico, the army ships off to some planet to kill the bugs, where they (including Rico) are promptly annilhated by 9-foot-tall "soldier bugs" in excessively gory ways. Fortunately son of Busey escapes.

"We thought we were smarter than the bugs."

Later, after Rico is magically still alive (Somehow saved by Ironside?) and Denise Richards becomes a high-ranking spaceship captain, they go to "Planet P" to capture a brain bug, and psychic Doogie Howser knows IT'S AFRAID.
Problem Solved.

The film is really saved/made better by the propaganda interspersed that features the audiences' favorite bug-hating douchebag actors.

Key Scenes

Rico stars in a futuristic version of high school arena football(that's something that exists, right?), beating his eventual rival for Denise Richards' affections.

Any scene while they are in training, take your pick. Off the top of my head I'll throw out the coed shower scene and the part where Zed Zim the drill sergeant throws a knife through somebodys hand.

The numerous multitude of ridiculous quotes, which I think reaches its pinnacle when Richards' copilot/Rico's rival asks her:
"Three weeks on a starship and you think you can lick my naps?"

Rico takes out a giant fire-spitting beetle by jumping on its back, shooting a hole in its shell, and throwing a live grenade in the hole. When asked by Ironside how he learned to do that, he responds by telling him "Don't you remember, back in high school I was on the team." He refrains from saying that they won states.

For an example of the glorious satire, check this clip, which has about 10 parallels with modern media and politics. Think a nerdy Bill O'Reilly denying the evidence of evolution and denigrating muslims AT THE SAME TIME.

Rico and Dizzy finally get it on, while son of Busey plays some sort of futuristic fiddle outside. The coupling is interrupted by Ironside, who informs them that they are shipping out immediately. When he sees a naked Dizzy, he gives them an extra 15 minutes.

The only black guy in the crew gets maimed in a cave but proves his worth by staying behind and detonating an explosion, ensuring our heroes escape. Also, he repeatedly screams "You're dead!" at the bugs before blowing them, and himself, up.

Finally this clip has soldiers giving bullets to children, and shows the true danger of being a mormon extremist.
Would you like to know more?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Videogames

5. Metroid.
For a long time this was the greatest game in the history of the universe. Hidden energy tanks. Secret levels with badasses named Ridley. And sweet sweet Motherbrain. Ahhh. Not to mention the fact that, if you win it five times, your space mask comes off. And you become a chick. Hot.

Bonus points for spotting King Hippo.

4. James Bond: Goldeneye
I didn’t know how fun shooting people in the head could be until I played this on N64. A three-dimensional world, you say? Bah. Flimshaw. Videogames will never become so complex.


3. NHL 94
Damn you Alexander Mogilny and your inhuman agility. And why won’t Jeremy Roenick just go down? The only thing better than crosschecking someone until their head bleeds is perpetrating The Move on one of your weirdo friends (another C Wright reference).

Best Goal Ever

2. MarioKart
I celebrate the entire MarioKart collection, from its SNES progenitor to the current Gamecube version. And Rainbow Road is a culturally relevant topic.

1. RBI Baseball.
It’s funny because there is crying in baseball. At least when you make errors. This is the best game ever because it combines Tony Gwynn, Ricky Henderson, and a young Benito Santiago with gameplay that’s only gotten more enjoyable over time. And you can hit home runs through walls. And Mark McGwire isn’t yet ruined.

It also is analogous with the past:

Too Nintendo heavy, this list? I’m living in the past, you say?

With twenty years of tradition from The Legend of Zelda to Wii Sports, you’re goddamn right I’m living in the past….

Friday, May 11, 2007

Phriday Philler

Liberate your mind, motherfucker.

First there's this video of Mario tripping his socks off. I think my favorite part is when Peach calls Luigi.
"Last time i saw that mook he stole my warp whistle."

One of my standard weekly reads is the Comics Curmudgeon's Cartoon Violence. Each friday, he deconstructs some editorial cartoons to hilarious effect. For example this week editorial cartoonists across the nation finally threw down the gauntlet and said, "Kill your television."
mmmm .... marshmallow fluff

Theres an article from National Geographic that says the solar system is bullet shaped according to Voyager spacecraft. This concept of an "instellar magnetic field" intrigues me, perhaps I could subscribe to their newsletter.

Thats about it. Except there clearly aren't enough videos on this blog.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Deathmatch listoff: Best Video Games

Feel free to dispute this. But you will be wrong.

5 Mike Tyson's Punchout
Tyson's right, such finger speed IS rarely seen. Wink at me will you? Well take this punch to the face which leaves with your mouth humorously agape!
Also, I'll learn you to mock me with your chomping "King" Hippo. Ahhh no I'm purple now!

4 Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
A shoutout to my RPG-playing homies. With all apologies to Final Fantasy -- actually scratch that, final fantasy is dumb and too Japanese.
This game was the second best reason to get an XBOX circa 2003. And I don't even like star wars all that much. I'm not going to post a video of the ending of this game cause its a huge spoiler.

3 Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Clearly the GTA franchise needs to be represented. This is merely the most recent and most expansive GTA as of yet. I'll take that paper.
As for this video, I really couldn't turn down the combination of stealing a tank and Rammstein.

2 Super Mario Bros. 3
This game and I have a long and erotic history. Wait ... what?
It all goes back to freshman year at college when Max, Rosstafarian and I played a two player game all the way too the end, with no warp whistles at all. It took about 8 1/2 hours. Time well spent I'd say.

1 Halo

I still play this online (Halo 2 that is) on a fairly regular basis. Just straight up killing people. Few things bring as much joy to a hardened VG-vet like myself like the one-shot kill, sniper to the head. Either that or sticking a grenade to somebody's face.

So that's my list. There are some notable omissions so have at 'er as you will in the comments or whatever.

60 rebounds is Jazz

I was gonna liveblog the Jazz v. Woh-ee-uhhs game tonight, but then it was surprisingly halftime and my roommate came home wasted. So that was enough to keep my mind off the possibility of going off on corporate/tendering the resignation tommorrow afternoon.

My take? The Warriors should have won both of these games in the SLC, but the missed approximately 4 too many shots.
The Chuckster says that GSW have earned his respect.
Magic says they are coming back to Utah with the series tied.
I gotta agree.


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

The first annual YOU TOO CAN BE A BLOGGER contest

You heard me, step right up by the half-dozens!

The winner of the contest is the first person to send me a valid Gmail address. And by that I mean I send you an email at that address and you respond. Just think, your pseudonym could be up there on the contributors list right next to such illuminaries as myself and TMoney.

So quick both of you, get your entries in so I can delete the one post you ever make!

Bonus question:
You don't get it? Well fuck you, it's

Monday, May 07, 2007

Jackie Robinson is rolling in his grave

Here we go, finally. This is the IM conversation TMoney and I had on Saturday afternoon during the Phillies-Giants game. A mere 7 hour time difference! The interweb rulz.
I tried to put in some editors notes that could add to the overall comprehensibility of this. But there is only so much you can do.
Also, sorry about the pandas.

TMoney:: Jimmy Rollins, reading the pregame lineup , refers to Pat Burrell as the guy with two left feet, Abraham the preacher man nunez, and Rod happy cinco de mayo Bajrajas--and to himself as the bay area's true favorite son
TMoney:: holla
TMoney:: JRo definitely smokes pot with white people
Thope:: just like Delonte West
TMoney:: I don't know who that is but I agree
Thope:: nba player ...
TMoney: Did Delonte really push his wife? Or is that a euphamism for pistol whip?
Thope: sure
TMoney: I support that
Thope: a little pistol whip never hurt anyone

TMoney:: by the way, Mark Grace of the ugly girl sex is announcing
TMoney:: along with Duane Kuiper, who hit one major league home run in 15 seasons
Thope:: well at least we're hearing the same shit
Thope:: behold the power of Duane
Thope:: I am going to name my kid Duane, boy or girl
TMoney:: damn you speedy awa drinker! (hawaii liquor reference)

TMoney:: Bonds looks especially enhanced today
Thope:: tint of green?
TMoney:: mmmm. hulkish

TMoney: Jro hittin 3? What a G.

The giants catcher threw the ball into centerfield

Thope: wheres Bobby Estallela when you need him?
TMoney: in jail
Thope: really?
TMoney: maybe Fresno

TMoney: nice 0-2 curveball, you cocksucking lefty
Thope: lowry=jamie moyer minus experience
TMoney: And minus death
TMoney: J-Ro's sunglasses make him look like one of the snappy pilots from Iron Eagles. A Billy Dean Williams imitator if you will

I believe he is referring to Louis Gossett Jr. but I could be wrong.

Another Giants throwing error

Thope: ahahahahahaha
TMoney: do you hear clown music
Thope: yes
TMoney: Bonds hates all these weak infielders. He's gonna hit his mistress tonight
Thope: as he should

Thope:: What time is it there?
TMoney:: just past 10. I think the sun is finally up
TMoney:: sweet colonial outpost that spawned Victorino
Thope:: did you ever see his ridiculous homepage?

TMoney: Sweeney--don't fucking mention that Bonds sold you out to the MLB like a hooker on crack...he's a dud
TMoney: Though Lowry does like looking at himself naked...who wouldn't, really.
TMoney: Not gay.
Thope: my roommate keeps flipping to golf
Thope: that time was strike 2, next time I break something
TMoney: My roommate is 8 months pregnant and going shopping for me. Man food.
Thope: well played

TMoney: Lance Barksdale!
Thope: i think the eagles just drafted his relation
TMoney: It reminds me of the Wire
TMoney: It was so sad when Stringer Bell got got. Fuck. Why wouldn't they let him live his American Dream?

Thope: are you disappointed about the end of the Lance Niekro era?
TMoney: I wanted him euthanized Barbaro style--gun to mouth
TMoney: the onion pic says it all
Thope: that made my month

TMoney: The stupid Gillette ad makes the players look like Jesus-Angels. Fox is so over the top.
TMoney: And Ryan Klesko is not good.
Thope: how bono
Thope: what?
TMoney: huh?
Thope: I don't know what that is
TMoney: behind home plate. FUSION
Thope: I require more blades
TMoney: to feed my growing face

TMoney: Bonds batting fourth sucks, by the way, especially when Ry-Han Kles-Go hits 3rd
Thope: yeah
Thope: ryho aint playing today
TMoney: Where's Ho-dog. Doesn't hit lefties?
Thope: he's batting like .100 against them
TMoney: That's like one-third his weight
Thope: Ryho leads the league in getting thrown out at home
TMoney: Victorino is a bad influence on him

Thope: Wes Helms .... why?
TMoney: Shouldn;t he be pumping gas in Atlanta?
Thope: or maybe Alabama somewhere
Thope: Birmingham?
TMoney: Deeper. The port city of steel. Or is that Birmingham?

TMoney: Ha ha ha. Mexican is a derogatory term
Thope: it sure is
TMoney: Have another cocktail, Mark Grace
Thope: My god the giants are terrible
TMoney: like a fox?
Thope: Dave Roberts?
Thope: i'm sorry
TMoney: DRo. not so much
Thope: Randy Winn is their 2nd best hitter
TMoney: But Bonds eats babies, so we got that going for us
Thope: baby-eating is an underrated stat

TMoney: Little Ray Durham. Fancy said he met a stripper on the south side he claimed to have had Ray's baby. I don't see why not.
Thope: makes sense to me

Thope: i'm thinking the title of this post will be "Jackie Robinson is turning in his grave?
Thope: my punctuation skills are amazing
TMoney: That's why I blog anonymously
TMoney: Thank ye, Medill gods
Thope: it makes sense though
TMoney: because of the controversy
Thope: phillies=last team w/ black player
TMoney: Giants=liberal and pro gay
Thope: Robinson retired rather than play for the giants
TMoney: Baller
TMoney: Then again, candlestick was a cold tomb
Thope: that was back in the NYC days i think
TMoney: no. 60s
TMoney: I big leagued you
TMoney: it is my area of
TMoney: a hard knock life

TMoney: Here comes Big Poppa. (He's sees some ladies tonight that could be having his baby. baby.
Thope: walk
TMoney: Bean
TMoney: It makes him stronger
Thope: he's like some sort of baseball playing mutant
TMoney: I enjoyed him in X2.
Thope: I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!

TMoney: I support that.
TMoney: 743. That's a lot of pissed off pitchers.
TMoney: Get out

Bonds just went yard, number 744 for his career

TMoney: What did we learn?
Thope: Lieber has served up many a tater to bonds
TMoney: I love it.
Thope: that game I was at last year? Yup

Thope: i think you are like 5 seconds ahead of me
TMoney: In Hawaii.
TMoney: That's against nature
Thope: i blame the tubes
TMoney: The internets are different here, like lightsockets
TMoney: you were there
TMoney: I love the Wario-esque images of Bonds around the ballpark

This is a (probably) reference to TMoney:’s Wario Stadium as totalitarian paradise post from a couple weeks ago. Meanwhile Wes Helms just tumbled into the dugout, grabbing the camera as he went down.

TMoney: The death of Wes Helms?
Thope: please!
Thope: the camera is more valuable than Wes Helms
TMoney: it's funny because Wes Helms should be euthanized

Thope:: the gravitational pull of bonds head keeps pulling the camera to him
TMoney:: pandas it is.
Thope: pandas?
Thope: who want abortions?
TMoney: against nature. Panda god is vengeful. Like Barry.
TMoney: He might be the panda god, actually, along with the god of usurpers and betrayers of confidence
TMoney: It is Bonds
Thope: I will persecute you for your beliefs
TMoney: I'll totally sell said beliefs out to remain alive
Thope: now that's a belief system I can believe in!

Fox just flashed an all-star graphic that appeared to be made in 1997

Thope: that all star graphic is awful
Thope: ken griffey jr? jeff kent?
TMoney: I hear their wedding's gonna be beautiful

TMoney: Victorino's definitely participated in some armed robberies
Thope: yeah he robs people, so what?
TMoney: you wanna fight about it? That’s how he rolls
TMoney: FIGHT!
Thope: VICTORIN...
Thope: awww
TMoney: he's crazy
Thope: I like his double-eared helmet
TMoney: Mark Grace: I like it though
TMoney: and then he (grace) associates fighting with Mexicans. Ummm…
Thope: Mark Grace, superior to John Kruk
Thope: and Mexicans
TMoney: barely

TMoney: I got a half-hour left before I go smoke pot and watch this shit in HD. Ahh, rich friends
Thope: you old one
TMoney: Vishnu-esque, these friends. I hung out with Shnu last weekend, btw
Thope: in hawaii?
TMoney: In SF. He runs that town.
Thope: lawyer?
TMoney: 75 hours a week, and on the weekends he GOES CRAXY
TMoney: We went to a hip hop show in the tenderloin, and I bought a gatorade from the corner store that, when I sipped from it, was actually filled up with water
TMoney: I definitely thought it had the aids in it.
Thope: that is fucked up
TMoney: Victorino would have choked out the store owner

TMoney: Wes Helms thought the ball was still in his glove. Classic
TMoney: great play by nunez though
Thope: Nunez is the hispanic David Bell
TMoney: sans steroids?
TMoney: I can see it
TMoney: Klesko is pandas
Thope: a weak-hitting latino david bell
TMoney: Pandas!

TMoney: Ooh yeah, the Bonds break ins from other games. I dig it
TMoney: I love how that bomb was his first swing of the day, on account of no batting practice
Thope: he doesn't need it apparently
Thope: only the roids
Thope: that’s all he needs
TMoney: Taste like chicken, the roids
Thope: rubber chicken?
TMoney: needle chicken

TMoney: Durham loves his baby's mommas
TMoney: not racist
Thope: dammit how was there no outs
Thope: phillies, you fucking suck
TMoney: Pandas
TMoney: Don't eat the baby!
TMoney: It's funny because they don't like they're own kind. I'm laughing out loud right now.

TMoney: I want the elephant to eat that fucking girl and her mirrors
TMoney: strangely sexual
TMoney: I need DLP!

TMoney: Suck it, JRO
Thope: his mirror shades can't help him now
TMoney: like Kleh--SkoH
Thope: so are the giants just picking up all the worst padres position players?
TMoney: yes
TMoney: I think you could substitute Kahn--via Ricardo Maltaban--in our third spot, and there'd be no difference

Thope: do you know what is in a mint julep?
TMoney: I pick the leaves myself
Thope: really?
TMoney: no
TMoney: that's from Faulkner
Thope: thats too highbrow for me
TMoney: From hell's heart I stab at thee
Thope: fucking narrated by a retard
TMoney: poor Benjy. He just wanted to rape his sister in peace
Thope: the american Kentuckian dream?

TMoney: All right. One more half inning then I'm out.
TMoney: to smoke the pot
TMoney: in the morning
TMoney: baby's coming
Thope: is the wife really 8 months?
TMoney: 8.25
Thope: damn
Thope: that'll be fun?
TMoney: yes. Especially if he's a left-handed pitcher
Thope: ah, you as the crazy sports parent
Thope: I like it
TMoney: throw down on the ball, baby jack. I will shiv other parents

Thope: jeanne zalasko is fugly
TMoney: and a cunt
Thope: touche

So that happened. I somehow managed to keep the pics fairly on topic, and not stray into "freedarko" territory too much. In case you care, the Giants won the game.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Goddamn this is taking forever

I'm editing down a conversation TMoney and I had the other day during the Phillies-Giants game, but its taking a long-ass time.
So here's a video. Hopefully the conversation will be up in several hours/days.

"And introducing Jesus H. Christ, as the Destructinator-1000"

Friday, May 04, 2007

Phriday Philler

Couple things while I clean up the puddle of urine that mysteriously appeared in my bathroom last night.

WARRIORS. The bandwagon rides on with everyone outside of Dallas who cares about the NBA in tow. The Ebays is abuzz with warriors talk. Everyone is all like "ZOMG GSW PWNS! MOAR!" or something to that effect.
And to those poor suffering Dallas fans who say they are suffering one of the worst sports years ever? Boo freaking hoo, bitches. Cry me a goddamn river on Troy Aikman's shoulder. Dallas Sucks.

Hmmm, what else? Entertainment weekly's top 25 Sci-Fi shows/movies of the past 25 years? Solid list I think. Matrix is number 1 in case you are wondering. Also, Starship Troopers fucking rules. In fact it probably merits a "So bad its good" down the line. But for now:
"You're some kind of big, fat, smart bug aren't ya."

Keeping with the science fiction, there's this guy, who says that we will all be robotic cyborgs in 40 years, or something. He did predict (not invent) the Internet -- so he's got some street cred. I'll just wait for the movie based on his book "The Singularity is Near" brought to you by the people who did "The Day After Tommorrow." I just hope Dennis Quaid is involved somehow.

Thats it, I'm going to go set up a needlessly complex rube goldberg contraption in my apartment.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

RIP Herbert Kornfeld, 1973-2007

Herbert “H-Dog” Kornfeld died on Friday after a suspicious accident involving the copy machine at Midstate Office Supply. He was 34.

Kornfeld was the Accounts Receivable Supervisor at Midstate, and he also wrote a syndicated column about office issues for The Onion, well-known as the nation’s finest news source.

H-Dog was known for telling it straight in his columns as he saw it. He described his writing style best when he wrote, “This straight-up, non-stop, hardcore shit, y'all, an' tol' wit' mad suspense, too, tha kind that make yo' shit evacuate, know what I'm sayin'? It like a haiku a' violence.”

After dropping out of high school, Kornfeld found his niche when freestyle street accountant CPA-ONE took the him under his wing and taught him the ways of the ledger. Later Kornfeld graduated from Eastech Bidness College.

A strong believer in the Accountz Reeceevable code and renowned for his SKEELZ, H-Dog often expressed disdain for “them HR Bitchez” and his natural enemies in “Accountz Payabo,” especially “that wack Judy Metzger, always wearin' a fool grin an' pushin' her muthafukkin' snickerdoodle cookiez on tha Midstate krew.”

Also known for rocking his Membaz Only gear, he would not hesitate in reaching for his Letta Opener of Death when threatened, and it did get him out of many tough scrapes, many of which he wrote about in his columns.

One of his greatest achievements was sabotaging an Office Max when it tried to move in on Midstate’s turf in May of 2002. He went undercover at the Max for 3 months, eventually forcing the store to close its doors. But that was just one small feat for the “stone-col' superbaddest employee at Midstate.”

H-Dog enjoyed cocktail weenies, bumping Chicago tunes out tha factory speakers in his hoopty -- the Nite Rida, giving “H-Luv” to his shortiez, Dinty Moore stew and balancing variances wit a quickness.

He is survived by his son: Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second; his homiez: Kount Von Numbacrunch, Sir Casio KL7000, Petty Ca$h and AirGoNomic; his former homie until defection into Accountz Payabo: Jerry Tha Sharpie Head; his former protégé Mike Pisano, aka ACO-LYTE; all tha fly hos in Marketin'; and his baby-momma Agnes.

He was preceded in death by his mentor, CPA-ONE.

A viewing will be held at Midstate Office Supply on Saturday, followed by a reception at the Denny’s out by the airport.

Primitive Christian Instincts

I guess I lead a pretty good life when my "academic research" that I do while I'm "writing" causes me to write down quotes like this:

Jesus Creeping God! Is there a priest in this tavern? I want to confess. I’m a fucking sinner! Venal, mortal, carnal, major, minor—however you want to call it, Lord…I’m guilty.

But do me this one last favor: just give me five more high-speed hours before you bring the hammer down; just let me get rid of this goddamn car and off of this horrible desert.

Which is not really a hell of a lot to ask, Lord, because the final incredible truth is that I am not guilty. All I did was take your gibberish seriously…and you see where it got me? My primitive Christian instincts have made me a criminal.

Creeping through the casino at six in the morning with a suitcase full of grapefruit and “Mint 400” T-shirts, I remember telling myself, over and over again, “You are not guilty.” This is merely a necessary expedient, to avoid a nasty scene. After all, I made no binding agreements; this is an institutional debt—nothing personal. This whole goddamn nightmare is the fault of that stinking, irresponsible magazine. Some fool in New York did this to me. It was his idea, Lord, not mine.

And now look at me: half-crazy with fear, driving 120 miles an hour across Death Valley in some car I never even wanted. You evil bastard! This is your work. You better take care of me, Lord…because if you don’t you’re going to have me on your hands.

-Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, 86-87

Alway make the bastard chase you. That's all I got. Along with a moving version for all you non readers out there.