Friday, May 28, 2010

Happy Memorial Day

I know how I'm spending my 3-day weekend!

But seriously, we need to bring the Jesus back into memorial day. Specifically by getting crunk for him. I know its important to celebrate dead veterans, and the still living veterans who are merely dead inside thanks to the horrific atrocities they were witness to and probably committed. But whither Christ? There's a guy who should have a day dedicated specifically to remembering him and the things he did everyday for yuks.

Sidenote: Wishing people a "happy memorial day" is a fun way to see if they are paying attention/are prescriptive.

In conclusion, this video.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

And that was the end of that chapter

One thing that kind of pisses me off about the way media and culture is disseminated these days is the instant judging of everything. So many voices, screaming into the internet ether, "Listen to me and value my thoughts on this thing that I just watched on television!" or something to that effect. Opinions are like assholes. And yes I get the hypocrisy in posting these sentiments on a little-read blog. This is my reason for not putting anything up about the Lost series finale until now.

I read something somewhere sometime that said how the internet's instant processing of cultural ephemera actually diminishes the ephemera's already short shelf-life. Which makes a certain kind of basic sense. Like, the more people talk and rehash and consider something now, the less need there will be to think about it later. Participation value was involved somehow. Oh right, it was on Mark Cuban's blog. So congrats, Lostophiles, with your high participation you are reducing the need for anyone to consider this show in the future. Thank god.

Quick summary: I laughed, I cried, I shook my head in quiet bewilderment. I said various things in a Desmond accent, brutha. I watched Jack attack Locke with a flying knee-punch of some sort which was clearly the best moment in the entire series (spoiler!).

One thing I sorta liked was how it sorta came together, in a forced deux ex machina way. As my roommate pointed out: The series opened with a tight shot of Jack opening his eye, and ended with the same shot, except this time, he closed the eye. The producers (or as I refer to them in my mind, Carldamon Lindecuse) had that shit planned from the start. At least those two shots with Jack's eye. That symbolism is gold! The rest was made up as they went along, especially the numerous exploding boats. But those who watched the two-hour recap/masturbathon beforehand surely knew what parts were important, especially when those same things were flashed to in each alterna-character's remembrance scene. Guh.

Which brings us to what I think actually happened in the end? They are all dead in the church, moving on to the next life, which may or may not be bathed in golden light. The entire flash-sideways universe was created by the castaways as a way to reunite in death or whatever. Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of quantum mechanics can tell you that when the most important events of people' lives occur on an electro-magical island, they will join each other in the afterlife, and also return to how they looked at that time. Either that, or it was all a dog's dream (suspect the dog). Also, Jacob was a gnostic archon.

Oh and one more thing: Much has been made about how the characters names in this show are so clever, in that they are the same names as various philosophers and scientists and shit from the past, eg John Locke, Faraday, etc. Which is all well and good, but if you really want to get into some crazy shit with names, read some postmodern (sorry Sean!) books. edit: The argument could be made that this is a very postmodern show (for lack of a better term) because the references and easter eggs go far beyond just the names of characters. Less concerned with plot, etc.

Friday, May 21, 2010

What? Why? Shut up.

"Grizzly Bear and Panda Bear seem to be actually competing against real bears for google hits"

-This sentence is why I probably shouldn't read hipster runoff. The whole site is satirical (I think), but is a "subculture" that consists entirely of post-ironic apathy and high-tech digital devices worth lampooning? Still -- that site's prodigious use of the word "bro" reminds one of this other thing I just heard of the other day that's also a mixing of nausea and intrigue. Bros Icing Bros. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? OUR GENERATION IS BANKRUPT.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It's my lifelong dream

Unrelated: Celebrity Chefs totally blaze, according the the New York Times. You know its a good article because it references cocaine use in the 80s.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Cleaning out the queue, again

Haven't shoved cinematic tastes down the goats throat for a few months, so as always these are films sent to me via the mail. Good thing I don't live in this neighborhood. Putting this together is a better use of my time than watching trailers for summer movies, that's for sure? Owen Wilson is ... MARMADUKE.

Spirited Away
Oh Hayao Miyazaki, your animated films delight the imaginations of children and immature adults alike. This one is about some girl who starts working at a bathhouse for the spirit world after her parents are turned into pigs. Also there is a character called "No-Face" and dragons and these three green heads that hop around and make amusing "hut, hut, hut" noises, and a giant baby that is transformed into a rodent.

The Brothers Bloom
This is the second feature from the guy that directed Brick. Solid if not spectacular, Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo are brothers and con men on a globe-crossing scam to steal from chainsaw-juggling heiress Rachel Wiesz. It's got wacky dialogue.

Another delightful children's tale, about aging and death. But! Talking dogs.

Let the Right One In
This is a kind of cult hit, about a bullied kid in Sweden who makes friends with the girl emasculated boy next door who also happens to be a vampire. Bleak and creepy and the climactic scene is out of nowhere bonkers.

Up in the Air
Maybe you heard of this one? George Clooney is a professional dude who lays people off, and basically lives in airports/hotels/planes. Pretty marginal I thought.

Trailer Park Boys
This is a Canadian television show, mockumentary-style like The Office. Ricky and Julian are the main characters who get into various white-trash type hijinks like getting shot by 7-year-olds and drinking and doing drugs constantly.

I seriously spent the last half-hour scouring the internet in vain for picture of Jeff Goldblum's character, the magic-performing Tricycle Man.. What the fuck internet, I hate you. This is an Altman film with about 10 different plotlines revolving around the country music scene and politics and whatnot.

Princess Mononoke
Another one from Miyazaki. Pig demons v. Wolf demons is a classic matchup.

The prescience of this movie (Howard Beale=Glenn Beck)is both creepy and ubiquitous, in just about any mention of it anywhere, so I'm not going to rehash it. Also this is where that "rubble of banality" thing up top is from.

Black Dynamite
"Ha ha. I threw that shit before I entered the room."
Seriously, you need to fucking see this post-haste. And also click this link.

This is a Matrix-ripoff with Christian Bale playing some sort of "Gun Kata" master supercop living in an dystopian future where emotion is illegal and suppressed with drugs. Only he misses a dose and starts FEELING THINGS like maybe we shouldn't senselessly execute innocent dogs. Which doesn't sit well with Taye Diggs character, being anti-dog murder. Gun Kata is a made up martial art with guns (duh).

Entertaining documentary about some guy that traveled around California with his wife and 8 kids in a Winnebago, raising his family off the grid as surfers. Despite this seemingly perfect upbringing some of the guy's progeny develop various problems and estrangements as adults.

Latest from Mike Judge. It's no Office Space.

This movie was good, but I am rapidly boring myself in putting this post together. Sorry Zombieland, no more thought for you!

True Romance

Zero Effect
Just did an image search for this and stumbled across some blog that says Tropic Thunder "ought to earn Oscar nominations for Stiller in the direction and screenwriting categories" and I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Tropic Thunder was funny yeah, but that is absurd and a reminder of the futility of writing for the Internet, because everyone has an opinion and most of them are wrong. Which is to say I don't remember anything about Zero Effect. Bill Pullman?

Good sci-fi with Sam Rockwell as an astronaut living on the moon. OR IS HE?

Funny People
I thought this was funny. Kind of underrated?

In the Loop
Simon Foster: Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight
Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited
Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?
Judy: You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker: Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
Judy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.

District 9
Apartheid allegory with shrimp aliens.

That's it. Fuck you and fuck this post.
No sorry, I didn't mean that. What I meant to type was fuck you and fuck this post. Dammit.

Monday, May 17, 2010


In this time of great loss, please spare a moment to put presumably the the Philadelphia area's, nay, the world's most important Dio fan in your thoughts. I'm talking about Pat Burrell of course, because "Holy Diver" was his walking-to-the-plate music. This did more for the regional popularity of "Murray" the demon-monster than anything else ever. As if you didn't already know that.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This is the stuff that dreams are made of

Here's some news you can use: The Europa League final is today, according to poorly translated websites that I have been searching in attempts to find out when it happens (now?) and if it is on television or streaming anywhere. ESPN Pacific Rim! The Europa League! It's like the Champions League except mediocre. Fulham or Atletico Madrid to be crowned in the Not-Quite-Champions League. A battle for the ages, it truly promises to be. The American sports equivalent of winning Europa League is like a college football team winning a second tier bowl game a weird sponsor? Or perhaps like a boy in Nazi Germany who conceals his Jewishness by joining the Hitler Youth? No?

edit: It's on GolTV, of course!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A paragraph from the first chapter of Moby Dick

What of it, If some old hunks of a sea-captain orders me to get a broom and sweep down the decks? What does that indignity amount to, weighed, I mean, in the scales of the New Testament? Do you think archangel Gabriel thinks anything less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that instance? Who ain't a slave? Tell me that. Well, then, however the old sea-captains may order me about—however they may thump and punch me about, I have the satisfaction of knowing it is all right; that everybody else is in one way or another served in much the same way—either in a physical or metaphysical point of view, that is; and so the universal thump is passed around, and all hands should rub each other's shoulder-blades, and be content.
-posted because old hunks of sea-captain ordered it so.
Now this is happening. I was going to do a book club type post with "actual thought expressed on a blog" and "asking for input on what might be a good follow-up book for Infinite Jest" but fuck man quoting Melville is way easier and less productive. Plus Inherent Vice was a good follow-up (Pynchon-lite!), and finishing IJ has cleared fears of other intimidating reads, besides the bible, probably.

Anyway, here is a tangible highlight of said post as it existed in my brain.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Breaking News: This video exists

Vomit a wedding? That's just absurd.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

This is gonna be the best movie based on a fake trailer in another movie ever

Lapitas! Lindsay Lohan as a murderous Nun! Robert de Niro for some reason! Chain gun attached to a motorcycle!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Here's an idea for a project

It's called "Jane and Jane" and the two primary characters are dumpy, post-menopausal women who work in an office. The narrative arc consists entirely of our two characters transferring calls back and forth between each other in a spiraling nightmare of whiny bewilderment and confusion. It ends with an off-screen voice screaming "For the love of God will you shut the fuck up." Either that or a hail of bullets. In no way is this based on real events.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Charlie Brooker is killing it

As evidence: This video from at least a year ago.

Possibly related: I did not hear about this "bomb scare" in New York on Saturday night until this morning while catching up on the weekend headlines for work. Maybe you didn't either? I was so close to it (via geography) all weekend, yet nary a peep. So yeah, New Yorkers don't give a fuck about there possibly being a fireball in Times Square. At least the ones who hang chairs from the walls as an interior design choice (more on that later).