Sunday, February 25, 2007

The team to beat

I really don't know where I'm going with this, and its a pretty blatant ripoff of The Dugout, but they didn't do anything on this topic so whatever.

Jimmy Rollins is holding a press conference to defend his recent statements that the Phillies are the 'team to beat' in the NL east in 2007.

Phillies PR phlack (Ed Wade):
OK everyone, Jimmy is coming out to answer your questions.

Belligerent Philly Press: murmur murmur

J-Roll: Wassup Nukkas. Watchall want?

Beat writer: Mister Rollins, what explanation do you have for proclaiming the Phillies the team to beat? You return basically the same team that finished 12 games behind the Mets last year.

J-Roll: You dumb cracka, you know'll J-Roll don't answer to nothin but J-Roll, and also J-Ro on occasion. Get it right kid. *slaps beat writer upside the head

Beat Writer: Sorry sir, I mean J-Roll, but about my question ...

Gyeah mang, you know how we do

Beat Writer: You still didn't answer my question

Fuck off nukka, you gotst to let someone else speak on this


J-Roll: Shit man I ain't sure we wore dem hos out, but Chase is gettin hitched so somebody gotta take care his bitches. Victorina don't play as no caboose. *tosses bag of cheez doodles

Fatass Bill Conlin:
We're getting off topic, I think I speak for everyone here when I say you cannot make proclamations about the phillies being good when I am king of the world.

Yo, who let Jabba up in here. Seriously man, how the fuck are you still alive. You are a disgusting human being.

Fatass Bill Conlin:
*eats Stephen A's cheez doodles

Beat writer: J-Roll, come on, you have to have something to back up your boasts that you are the team to beat.

J-Roll: Aight listen up sucka, we got the best young team out there. Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Victorina, you can't hate on the field. And da pitchers beat wives and slash foos with machetes in the offseason. Straight bangin' yo.

Beat writer:
But Urbina isn't even on the team anymore right? He's in prison in Venezuela or some other South American country in which he lives and kills people.

Yo I tweren't talking bout no Urbina, I was referrin to a man named Eude Brito. Dude is off the hinges, he's fuck yo mom with a tire iron. Check it.

At this point Eude Brito runs across the room and stabs Bill Conlin in the chest with a tuning fork.

See what I mean, tuning forks ain't even sharp and he made it rain on that fatass POS.

Fatass Bill Conlin: aaaarggghghgh my liver *dies

Beat writer:
OK point taken, I will now back slowly away so as not to disturb you further.

Eude Brito:*Pulls tuning fork out of Bill Conlins corpse. Tunes voice. Sings.
Ai ai ai-ai, I am the Brito Bandito!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

When I die I want my remains shot out of a cannon

"Sometime later, on the other side of the fire, I heard two Angels several feet behind me. They were sitting on the ground, leaning against the bikes and talking very seriously while they passed a joint back and forth. I listened for a moment, keeping my back to them, but all I heard was one emphatic sentence; 'Man, I'd give all the weed in the world to clear up the mess in my head.' I quickly moved away, hoping I hadn't been recognized."

-Hunter S. Thompson, Hells Angels

The doctor of gonzo journalism has been dead for two years now. I don't really have anything else to say, but I figured I'd mark the occasion with this video of Gary Busey ruminating on Hunter's genius. Cause that's sure to make sense.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I like crackers, stupid

Because I haven't updated in nearly a week, and because this blog is nothing if not experimental, here's some Phillies related haikus I wrote while waiting for a boring-ass township meeting to start.

58 dingers
always enjoys going deep
drop bombs on bitches

fans best whipping boy
patrols left like Luzenski
suck me beautiful

compact lefty stroke
so dastardly and Utley
fuck freddie mitchell

crazy ass catcher
metaphysical and shit
back to the future

only got one ball
cannot hit Randy Johnson
shut up you fat fuck

Thats all I got done before the meeting started and I had to listen to local residents whine about softball fields or some bullshit.

Another post might be coming sometime soon. To whet your appetite -- it could be on such diverse topics as the Patriot Act, Anna Nicole Smith being dead, frogs, Isaac Asimov, smoking bans in public parks, Mr Belding and Tony Romo singing Journey, or the effects of combining 40s and box of wine. So refresh constantly just to be safe.

Friday, February 09, 2007


I don't want to say RYHO is a beast, but he most certainly hits a baseball like one. I mean, I cannot wait til he and Bryant Gumbel go one on one in an interview and RYHO eats him. Airing Monday on Real Sports.

I really wants to post a "RYHO hitting bombs" video here, but sadly, none exists. Can't even get video of his straight-away centhz upper deck RFK dong. I would fuck him like he was Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction. Uhhhh....

ANYWAY, to complete the utter gayness of this post -- check out the best video I could finds on this here Interblag that is Phillies related.

(Kudos:Scrapple & Iggs)

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES ... honorable mention

Might as well throw this up here now cause I have zero other ideas until baseball season starts.


Another good game for a good sized crowd of people who don't necessarily know each other that well. Spread a deck of cards in a circle on the table around a cup (the "King cup"). The rules can vary, but here's what I can remember:
2-drink two
3-give three
6-something else
7-i don't care
8-fuck you
9-Bust a rhyme. Say a phrase, next person "busts a rhyme." Whoever fails to make a rhyme or rhymes with the same word drinks
10-I never
Jack-Categories. Choose a category (ie brands of beer, bill paxton movies, whatever -- get creative). Failure drinks
Queen-Question. Turn to someone in the group and asks a question. That person then turns to someone else and asks something else. Whoever breaks sequence has to drink.
King-Pour some of your drink into the King cup. When that last King is drawn it ends the game and that player has to drink the King cup. It can be interesting if strangely different drinks were poured in it. The combination of whiskey sour, rum and coke and miller lite is outstanding. I suggest you try it.

Wine Game:
Pretty simple concept. Pass around a bottle/jug of wine, preferably one of those big Edward Carlos Rossi gallon jugs. Each person chugs as long as they can, while everyone else chants "WINE GAME! WINE GAME! WINE GAME!"
And whomever finishes the bottle gets to go out in the street and smash it.

I'm told this is a fun game for catholics, cause they can pretend the wine is the blood of christ or something. Mmmmmm, that's good Jesus blood.

F*ck the dealer:

Another card game. Dealer holds the cards. Next person guesses a number. Dealer says higher or lower. Person guesses again. If they are right, dealer drinks. Wrong, they drink. Guess right, guess again. Guess wrong, dealer moves to the next person. Three wrongs in a row and the dealer passes the deck. Also, the cards get laid out on the table as the game goes along. The last dealer gets screwed.

Edward 40 Hands:

Tape a forty to each of your hands. Duct tape works well.

Century Club: Shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. The big brother of power hour. And never play the "30 pack Challenge."

OK, thats it I think.

Yeah I am done.

Friday, February 02, 2007

too soon?

Thursday, February 01, 2007

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES ... runner-up and champion

This would have been up earlier, but I found the RBI baseball drinking game and after a few clicks discovered some sort of RBI baseball subculture on the Interwebs.

Anyway, lets finish this thing.

2. Baseball. Even though it's only been played a couple times, it is incredibly awesome. Its like a combination of cups and beirut and baseball plus a million. If only I had known about in college. Single tear. Here's the setup:

I recommend you print this out and tape it to your forehead.

The rules are the same as baseball, a miss is an out, 3 outs per inning, 9 innings per game. Best played with 3 people per team, but 2 is OK and 1 can suffice for the truly hardcore.

The twist is stolen bases. At any point when you have runners on base, you can run over to the side of the table with the stolen base cup and flip it. Someone on the other team needs to be alert and run over as well, if the offensive player flips his cup first, its a steal. Vice versa is caught stealing. Never has stealing home been so fun and easy.

And remember should the champion be unable to fulfill its duties for any reason, Baseball would take over as number 1. I don't know what that means.

1. Cups The grand champion. So diverse and awesome. Be it playing 20 on 20 against sketchy frat boys from Michigan, who then fuck their girlfriends/sluts under the pool table in the chapter room -- or 60 games of 2v2 against Rymac and Ryno on the sundeck on a lazy friday afternoon -- or even a cups tournament in the Kave where your partner injures his shoulder a couple days prior but still tries to compete with his arm in a sling, probably doing further damage to said shoulder -- This game is a winner and winners play this game.

Everyone should fill their beers an equal amount. I personally prefer less beer per round and more rounds. First person drinks, sets their cup on the edge of the table and flips it 180 degrees so it lands upside down. Then the next person drinks and so on. First team to the end wins.

Some versions of this game stand out:
Guys v Girls: Always good for some nice old fashioned sexist remarks, This also pairs well with strip cups and pants down/shirts off cups.
Survivor: Losing team must vote off one of their own. This can result in backroom strategy, not to mention one person drinking 7 cups of beer to match up with the other team.
2v2: For the intense competitor. Playing thousands of games of 2v2 led to such terms as "reset time" referring to how fast you could flip again after a missed flip and "cups czar" of which I am an emeritus.
Random bets: One particular instance was when Heuch and I decided the losing team had to go pick a fight with DK. Which I did by walking up to him, throwing his hat and slapping him upside the head. That was a good night.

Strategy. One of the greatest things about this game is the shit talk. After someone misses a few flips they tend to get flustered, which can be augmented by screaming in their ear. Also don't be afraid to use 2 hands. While the rules concerning number of hands are sketchy at best, chances are in the heat of the game no one will call you on it.

"What are you talking about guys? That flip was legit."

So there it is, get out there and drink everyone. In putting this together I realized there are many other games that deserve their due, an honorable mention if you will. So that post may be coming. Someday.

I'll leave you with the godfather Duke Denevi creating his own variation of beirut. He describes it as " me spinning around 10 times on a baseball bat and then trying to throw a beer pong shot, while being harried by dogs."
I'm not sure its as good as all that, but the maniacal laugh/classic point at the end are fantastic.