Monday, August 28, 2006

Drunken Tales

In order to try to make regular posts, I plan on telling some interesting (to me) tales of belligerence from my past. And what better way to get it started than the infamous 'Iowa shitter' incident.

So back in college, every year we would have a rush trip to an away NU football game. Basically it was an excuse to get wasted somewhere else, and on a bus.

In the fall of 2000, said road trip was to Iowa for the NU-Iowa football game. That year, the football team enjoyed an unprecedented number of ridiculous victorys in games the team had no business winning. So we headed to Iowa with nothing less than a Rose Bowl bid on the line.

Of course NU lost, relegating them to a horrific beat down by Nebraska in the Alamo Bowl. We responded to Iowa chants of "overrated" with chants of our own like "Cut the Mullet" and "You still live here." Keeping it classy as always.

But the true tale comes when myself and Anjelk made our way to the stadium bathroom, likely due to the numerous games of cups we had played prior to entering the stadium.

Its important to note that the stalls in the bathroom had no doors, so those brave enough to drop the cosby kids off at the pool would have to do so in front of dozens of fat midwesterners.

As we entered the pisser, I noticed a man sitting on the floor, with a bunch of sheets of newpaper under his ass. He had a wheelchair nearby, and was not squatting, but sitting cheeks to floor, shitting on the newspaper. No one else in the restroom was phased by this at all. You might think that a Good Samaritan might come to this obviously handicapped man's aid, and help him shit in the bowl like a normal person. But i guess in Iowa, a fat retarded man shitting on the floor during a college football game is par for the course.

So anyway, I turned to Anjelk as we exited the bathroom and said, "Thats not something you see everyday."

At least the trip wasn't a total waste.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

blatant Phillies love

Man up you fucking bitches. Rowand leads the fucking way and now he's out, again.

But seriously, win the god-forsaken NL wild card, just look at the other the other contenders.

Reds? Please. Aaron Harang/Bronson Arroyo is their #1 starter.

Diamondbacks? garbage.

Padres? Better pitching staff, but seriously. Josh Barfield? Trevor Hoffman cannot be trusted.

Giants? Bonds=done. Moist Ass's urine will not save you now.

My case: Phils got top 5 NL offense, plus a pitching staff that keeps them in games. Witness. Lieber is throwing strikes. Brett Myers beats down hitters like they're his wife. Hamels is 'hollywood'. Wolf has been rebuilt, better than he was before. And Mathieson, well, he kinda reminds me of Danny Jackson.

You heard it here first: If the fightins make the playoffs, they are your NL World Series team.


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Don Vito Arrested

So I was diligently putting together the old People in the News/Weather page on the copy desk where I work. Nothing too special, Boy George sweeping for community service, etc. Then someone in sports is like-- 'did you see the Margera thing on the the entertainment wire?'
So, apparently Don Vito is being held in Colorado on some sort of sexual assualt charges involving, undoubtedly, 'a nice girl.'
I was just pissed because it bumped the story I had headlined:
"Kinky, Willie could team up in Texas" about Kinky Friedman's gubernatorial bid. Kinky has tabbed Willie Nelson to be some sort of advisor/consultant. Probably of gardening or something, I forget.

But anyway here's some classic Vito Gibberish to mark the occasion:

Saturday, August 19, 2006

SLJ on Daily Show


motherfucking Snakes in the motherfucking Plane!

Wow, so I saw that today, and it was so full of motherfucking ass-kickerery that I don't know where to start.
I gotta preface with the fact this is one of my favorite kinds of films, meaning tongue-in-cheek and totally ridiculous. For example, I have long-enjoyed both Starship Troopers and Deep Blue Sea.

As a movie, I'm not sure it is as good as the above mentioned 'masterworks' but as a phenomenon it definitely kicks the shit out of their motherfucking ass. When a mere sentence uttered by Samuel L. Jackson is enough to bring claps from everyone in the sparsely-populated theater, you know you are witnessing something special.

Witness. "Enough is ENOUGH! I've had it with these MOTHERFUCKING snakes on this MOTHERFUCKING plane" Delivered with straight-up "Ezekiel 25:17" inflection as patented by SLJ. It will go down as one of the most memorable lines in the history of cinema. At least the best use of motherfucker. Yippee-Ky-Yay, motherfucker? You are one ugly motherfucker? I don't know.

But I did think Kenan Thompson killed it as the video game aficionado/pilot. At least compared to him as Fat Albert. But then again, the bar was pretty low.

Every scene was totally gratuituous. Surfing? Motocross? Sex in airplane bathroom? Snakes biting the shit out of people?
In fact, I'm pretty sure that every single part of the human anatomy was bitten at some point.
"Fucking snake get off my dick!" Yes--someone actually says that.

Also, I may have to deconstruct Snakes on a Plane vs. Deep Blue Sea. As I always say, If not me, who? If not later, when?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Shove it up your tailpipe

I realized the other day that if there is a God, he is using a very unusual method to try and get through to heathens such as myself.
Bumper Stickers. Really? the infant newborn baby jesus* wants you tell me that the Lord is watching by putting a shiny sticker on the back of your car? That is idiotic. Do you really think that putting a message on the back of your car saying jesus saves, or abortion kills, or repent: the end is nigh, is going to convert anyone? Or guarantee you a spot in heaven? You cause global warming.
Always enjoyable though are the people who have so many stickers that they overflow onto the trunk/rear-windshield. But don't get me wrong, commie that I may be, my bumper sticker hate is not limited to the religious right.
Also bad are the Gore/Lieberman or Kerry/Edwards stickers that still adorn the backs of soccer-mom SUVs and Subaru Foresters -- A mere 6 and 2 years, respectively, after the failed campaigns ended. They fucking lost, you stupid bastards. Obviously your support was not enough at the time. And its certainly not going to make any difference SEVERAL YEARS LATER! All it does is make you look like pretentious, out-of-the-loop assholes.
And don't get me started on the whole 'two letters that stand for some vacation destination,' that is just dumb. You go on vacation, congratulations.
In all fairness though, I guess I'm a hypocrite, because I once had a bumper sticker on my vehicle. It said 'Eat it Raw' and adorned my Ford Taurus back in high school. It can be excused, I think, because a) I was a dumb teenager b)I also had cheap plastic ninja star-themed rims and c) pizza hut flags attached to the windows.
All that said, nothing will ever compare to the bumper stickers I saw on a pick-up in Montana in summer 2003. Among others there were two that stood out: 'Sniper: Death from afar' and 'Cats, the other white meat'
If only that guy wasn't batshit crazy, I would like to meet him.

*Ricky Bobby

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Goats>Monkeys...for now

Some call them 'Tennessee Meat Goats.' Fantastic.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

What are we talkin bout? Practice!?!

He says the word practice exactly 24.5 times.

Monday, August 14, 2006

So, that was weird...

The other day I saw some guy riding a motorcycle while wearing a suit. A little odd perhaps, but not too out of the ordinary.
A couple weeks ago Shibby and I saw a midget bicycling with the whole Lance Armstrong style get-up on. I wondered if she was riding a kids bike or something custom-made. Nevertheless, that was definitely out there. Not 'Guy shitting on the floor at an NU-Iowa football game' strange, but not something you see every day either.
But then last Friday a dry-fit clad TD and I were walking in Center City Philly, when some girl, who was sitting with her friend enjoying some 3pm martinis, asks us to sniff her armpit and tell her if she has BO. Sober as I was, I say "Maybe he will" pointing at TD. He looks at her mortified friend and says, "I will -- but only if the red-head watches."

Final note: Apparently as we were walking by the girl was sniffing her own armpit, which TD saw. They had a moment of recognition, at which point the encounter could have gone in any number of ways. In retrospect, I respect her decision. Well-played armpit girl. Well-played.