The Winter Olympics: Now with extra treacle
So the Olympics are happening on television, and while I enjoy the sport aspect, I think all the extra stuff is giving me diabetes. You know what I'm talking about: Those gently-narrated Olympic moments™ brought to you by Tide detergent. Bob Costas or Jimmy Roberts are usually involved. While avoiding these monuments to the soft focus lens for the most part, I did see some Al Michaels interview with a short-track speed skater who cut his leg off with his skate in an accident 6 short months ago. I guess they sewed it back on and now he has an Olympic medal.
That said, things appeal to/cut through my sense of ironic detachment:
1. The opening ceremonies were hilarious. I mean, a snowboarder jumping through the Olympic rings? Extreme. Also good: The Olympic flag was carried out by Donald Sutherland, Anne Murray, Bobby Orr and an astronaut, among others. Canadian celebrities are so cute! Not too mention Wayne Gretzky and Steve Nash visibly squirming during the mechanical failure of the torch lighting. That kind of failure can only be soothed with a KD Lang rendition of Hallelujah.
2. The obscure "sports" that only surface every 4 years are the best. At one point the color announcer for something called Nordic Combined had some line like "All die-hard nordic-combined fans are absolutely riveted by this historic race" which was so patently ridiculous I can't even make fun of it. Well, maybe a little. Also, he went absolutely apeshit when the American won the silver medal. Like Gus Johnson on an eight-ball. I'm not sure which was more exciting: the photo-finish or gambling on whether or not that guy was going to stroke out. I look forward to more of that.
3. Bode Miller: Redeemed via shameful bronze. It was almost enough to get me to make a "Bode vs. Bodie" comparison here on this blog, between him and the character from The Wire. But that would have taken more effort/analysis than making an expository list. Effort is bad for "Team Apathy" of which both I and Bode Miller circa 2006 would probably be members, if anyone cared enough to create such a team. This is all a roundabout way of saying Bode Miller is my hero. Moving on.
4. When the girl mogulist (a word Y/N?) won Team America's first gold medal she said something about her goal coming to the games was "to be in an montage." The montage, which is perhaps most emblematic of the melodrama so common in Olympics TV coverage (and all sport for that matter). It makes me smile when this is acknowledged in a meta way (ie by a participant).
Finally, a few lingering questions:
Are the winter Olympics the coolest?
What is the weirdest/most obscure sport besides of course curling?
Who would win in a fight, Team Apathy or Team America?
What is the deal with that guy's hat?
When does the men's hockey start?
4 comments:
The weirdest by far has to be biathlon. Did you know it is a combination of cross country skiing and shooting a rifle? I mean think about that for a second. You hear bitahlon you think ok, it must be like running and swimming or something. Nope! It's cross-country skiing and shooting! Who was it that decided to put together these two seemingly very different things, both of which are fringe activities on their own, and turn them into one glorious event? Who, damnit?
I think biathlon's origins go back to some old-school hunting in the nordicland type shit. Which helps it make sense, if not practical in these futuristic times.
The only improvement on it would be if they had to shoot the rifle while skiing, instead of stopping to aim at a stationary target. It'd be like the chase scene near the beginning of True Lies. They could even have some stuntman/death row inmate running down a hill as a target.
I think it would be much cooler if they changed biathlon to a combination of snowmobiling and shooting uzis...think a combination of boyz in the hood and my uncle harvey in the upper peninsula for his annual 60 year old bachelor fueled by rush limbaugh, sean hannity and the like snowmobile trips...yeah, i'd watch that.
on a related note, i have a classmate who was on the olympic biathlon team last time around, but failed to make it this year.
how is the jamaican bobsled team doing?
Probably not well, now that John Candy isn't around to lead them.
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