Friday, August 29, 2008

Fuck you, Mr. Rosewater

"A place where the majority is going for self
With an agenda not far beyond personal wealth"
-GZA, Columbian Ties

One of the most disturbing things I've discovered working on the public internets is the complete disregard and disrespect some have for those who serve the public good. Or should I say, public servants who don't have guns or money. That's not to say people respect cops e.g. for who they are. There is just a certain amount of respect someone with common sense gives those who are trained to use a gun to put a bullet in things.

No, the first best example of how public servants are devalued and derided is public school teachers. In the past year newspapers and websites in which I am involved have been covering an ongoing teacher's strike and contract negotiations. The pillars of the community who comment on the stories have enlightening things to say like "greedy, whiny teachers holding our kids hostage." That's some good hyperbole right there.

The adults at PS 310 are entrusted with educating the leaders of tomorrow. Fact. There's not a lot of money in it. Teaching leans toward altruism, so when someone uses a word like "greedy" to describe someone who has to deal with a snot-nose snowflake all day every day I just shake it off as cognitive dissonance. Teachers don't get to plop their kids down in front of the PS3 when they have to make some e-trades or bang the gardener or whatever it is that rich people do. Although there are some educational DVDs out there.

Call it humanistic if you want, but there has to be some inherent value in helping others lift themselves up, beyond seeing the smiles of orphans. But in 2008 charity work is looked down on by some. There are countless other examples of this, besides teachers. Garbagemen for instance. Or people who go to Africa to cure diseases, only to become carriers of some horrible new monkey disease that causes the zombie apocalypse.

Whats not really clear is where the line is drawn to define benefiting the public good? I mean, what about government employees? I guess they are defined as public servants, but I have a nagging suspicion that some of those clowns in Washington and Harrisburg and the local zoning hearing board may have some sort of ulterior selfish motive to changing the law.

Bet you thought I was going bring up the maligning of working journalists didn't you? Nope. While derided and lowly paid, we're certainly not goodhearted. It's pretty simple actually: Everyone is out to get everyone, everywhere. Deceit and lies are my trade.

Mechanical Hands

Working on some sort of poorly conceived essay, til then enjoy the free market.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

You know it

I've been avoiding the coverage of the Democratic National Convention like the plague since posting that video on Monday. Well, except for descriptions of straight lampin' with pirates outside the Pepsi Center. What?

Anyway, I do wish I had seen Kucinich's speech where he screams GOD DAMN AMERICA WAKE UP AMERICA over and over again and then makes some sort of communistic hand gestures.

Edit: Here's the video. Crazy elves and their love rollercoasters.

Double edit: I want a gold medal for violating international law.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Best not think too deeply on this one

If there's anything I've learned from Richard Kelly, it's that coherence is overrated. It was important to keep that lesson in mind while watching "Southland Tales" the director's first film since the cult classic "Donnie Darko." It's a sprawling morality tale featuring an ensemble cast set in an alternate present. There are elements of dark post-9/11 satire mixed with Vonnegut-style sci-fi absurdism and musical numbers.

The basic plot of the "film" follows action star Boxer Santeros (played terribly by the Rock) who wrote a screenplay that foretells the way the world ends. He is pursued by the right-wing NSA-like US-Ident, which has become near-omnipotent in its surveillance and everpresent in it's reach. But the Neo-Marxists, led by Cheri Oteri and Jon Lovitz, have other plans for Boxer. Also, Sean William Scott plays twin brothers who are constantly getting injected with drugs and who may or may not be the key to the whole thing.

As the film starts Texas gets nuked twice (El Paso and Abilene? Really?). The ensuing World War III results in an energy crisis, which is solved by the Sicilian from "Princess Bride" when he creates a machine that harnesses the power of the world's oceans and transfers it into something called liquid karma. Unfortunately these liquid karma machines also slow the rotation of the earth, causing rifts in the fabric of space-time. Liquid Karma is advertised by cars having sex(nsfw?). Indeed.

And don't forget Sarah Michelle Gellar's character, pornstar Krista Now (when do you wanna get fucked again?) who utters lines like "The pilgrims ended the American Indian orgy of freedom." She also co-wrote the prophetic screenplay with Santeros and hopes to publicize her prophecies through her reality TV show, hit record "Teen horniness is not a crime" and an energy drink. Also she may or may not be in league with the Neo-Marxists. There's another part which is possibly related where John Larroquette gets tasered in the balls by Krista's porn producer.

Confused? Don't worry -- there's also Justin Timberlake as the narrator/Iraq vet with a penchant for spouting bible verses and T.S. Elliot poetry.

Much like "Donnie Darko" one of the best elements of this movie is the music. Kelly even said somewhere that he wanted it to be almost a musical. And while I'm not really sure about that -- the Moby-mixed soundtrack is really good. Besides the Killers song in that video above, there's also Blur, The Pixies, Muse, Beethoven, Jane's Addiction, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, and Waylon Jennings.

Descriptions of just about every character could be followed by the phrase "for some reason." Besides those already mentioned, the cast also includes Mandy Moore, Amy Poehler, Will Sasso, Kevin Smith, Bai Ling, Nora Dunn, the Highlander, Avon Barksdale, Eli Roth as man who gets shot on toilet(unconfirmed), and Miranda Richardson.

I really can't recommend you watch this enough, this post barely scratches the surface of this film. It's the only time rotten tomatoes has ever been wrong. Pimps don't commit suicide.

Monday, August 25, 2008


Oh one hand, I feel bad for this reporter getting totally abused by a bunch of jerkass protesters who probably smell bad. On the other hand, they do have a point. Fuck fox news. That's gold!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Five Things

This is why you don't have to worry about the Norwegian Navy.

One of the biggest obstacles I face in putting shit on this site, besides laziness, is that I have trouble focusing enough efforts on one topic to make a decent post. What you call lack of attention span I call being a renaissance man.

Usain in the Membrane
Only hacks make puns out of the Jamaican's oh-so-appropriate last name. Oh Bolt struck twice did he? Fuck you. But in all seriousness, this guy is awesome. Killing it. The 200 last night was the first olympic event I was actually excited to see. With all apologies to Michael Phelps, he's the star of these games. Mainly because running is better than swimming. If we were meant to swim we'd be born with gills like Kevin Costner. I guess this means I lifted the boycott.

The Dream Ticket

Yes, Obama-Clinton '08 would be good. Unifying the democratic party, both symbolically and in practice. Plus they offset each others weaknesses. Obama isn't called 'Hopey' for nothing, what with his inspiration speech and seeming inability to really go after McCain's weaknesses. If the primary was any indication, Clinton seems to be a pitbull. Plus her presence on the ticket could help convince bitter racists that a rich rageaholic warmonger probably won't be looking out for their best interests. I mean seriously who else is there? Joe Biden? Are Dems actively trying to lose the election? I hate politics.

Pro Tools
The new album from Wu-Tang Godhead GZA; Genius is spinning as I type this. Some critic compared it to his best previous solo work Liquid Swords and so far it hasn't disappointed. Meanings and insights flow over solid hooks on first listen -- especially 0% Finance and Columbian Ties.

That's five right?

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Drowning in lies

"Dope on the damn table."
-Cedric Daniels

I was a willing participant in a complete sham. It was fun. The other day a shitload of cops conducted raids in Coatesville (Chester County's only city!) and all the law and order big wigs held a press conference to announce "a new beginning" in fighting the increasing levels of crime there. Now the streets have been cleaned, they said. People can leave their homes and walk around without fearing for their lives.

But don't be so quick with your front door lock, elderly black people, because despite the show of force of 120 cops running around being cowboys -- the pushers are going to be back on the corner by tomorrow. The cops confiscated all of 200 crack vials, a couple ounces of brick weed, three handguns and what looked like a bolt-action rifle from World War I. And don't forget the 20-some people arrested, all of whom were street level hustlers and users. Which by my estimation means a loss of a couple grand at most for the Stringer Bells of the operation.

Never mind all that though, because it was time to send a message. Everyone gets to be on TV, or in my case, the internet. Seeing the reactions of the arrested as they made their "perp walk" was the best part for me. One guy actually exclaimed "Daaaaaammmmmnnnn" when he saw all the TV cameras set up on him. Then he strutted, Smoky style. I also enjoyed the lady who asked if she was going to be on the news. Only if the cameraman likes the shot honey.

Clearly this drug bust doesn't mean much when it comes to getting dope off the streets. The only people arrested were low-level dealers, which are easily replaced by new, younger blood that's even more ruthless. Even if it has to be imported from Philly for a while until some young ins can get trained.

I guess my larger point is that it's easy to sink into routine, even if you see the pointlessness and absurdity of it all. The cops get to kick in some doors, and we media-types eat it up cause it is good for ratings. My smirk at the hilarious criminals clowning for the TV cameras doesn't mean shit. When it's over, the drug demand is still there and the vacuum will be filled by something or someone. The game stays the game, and we're all players whether or not we like to play. Don't forget to smile for the camera.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Sure have

Here's a random video for your Tuesday. The sound is a bit inappropriate for pretty much everywhere, so take that into consideration. Drugs are bad.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I missed out

Despite being in Brooklyn on Saturday, I somehow did not witness something called Pandamonium. Which apparently involved hipsters dressed up as pandas and dancing to handheld boomboxes while migrating from Union Square to Williamsburg, just like the pandas of old. And the cops arrested four pandas for dancing? This is all very confusing, and hilarious. Too bad I was watching some punk rock and drinking heavily in my sister's backyard at the time, instead of protesting pandas and police brutality.

Also, it should be added that this is the obvious way to motivate apathetic 20-somethings into activism. A series of animal-themed protests involving cosplay and dancing. Goats have gotta be next.

Cleaning out the queue part 2

There are like 10 different unfinished drafts in the old repository, as I can't seem to finish anything I've started recently. Except bike from Center City Philadelphia to West Chester. Good times.

Anyway, in the interest of putting something on here today, I'm cleaning out the old Netflix queue again.

Eric Bana stars as the most notorious criminal in Australia, Mark "Chopper" Read. I wouldn't say this movie is "good" per say, but Bana's performance is demented and riveting. It's a dark comedy. Cheers, big ears!

Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
Everyone's favorite ethnic stoners are back on another road trip -- along with Neil Patrick Harris, assorted federal agents, whores and George W. Bush. Probably not as good as "White Castle" was, what with the lack of extremeness, but its still an entertaining couple hours.

Quadriplegics are hardcore.

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs
I don't even remember watching this. I guess it was good.

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
This is a great movie, and not just because Marisa Tomei (still spry!) is naked for pretty much the entire first half. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke are brothers who decide to solve their money problems by robbing their parents jewelry store, but it all goes terribly wrong. Hoffman in particular is increasingly depraved as the film goes on. It is dark, but I still can't recommend this one enough.

I give this a strong "meh" because think it tried to do to much. Is shooting in three different countries and five different languages really necessary? I expected more from the Brad Pitt-Cate Blanchett combo. And I think the basic message of "language barriers cause problems" devolves more into "brown people getting screwed over." It's just depressing. But it did teach me that deaf Japanese girls are slutty.

Katt Williams: The Pimp Chronicles: Pt. 1
This is funny, but the entire thing is available on Youtube in various segments.

Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride
A documentary about Hunter S. Thompson, seeming slapped together shortly after his death. A little bit to fellating of the good doctor, if that's possible. Worth it just for the Gary Busey interview, portions of which have been posted here before.

Battlestar Galactica: Season 2
Gaius Baltar as Saddam Hussein? Frack.

Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
This gets started with a tragic machete fight accident. Need I say more? This is probably the best spoof since the original scary movie. I like the part where they make jokes. And John C. Reilly has a quality voice -- so the songs are solid.

The Darjeeling Limited
Wes Anderson movie about 3 brothers finding themselves on a train. Frankly I don't have much to say about it, mainly because I only half-watched it and don't remember much.

Gone Baby Gone
Hey look, another dark film! This crime thriller set in Boston is really good, it seems Ben Affleck has some directing chops. Affleck's brother Casey is a PI investigating a case of child abduction with all kinds of twists and turns. Highly recommended, would watch again.

Half Nelson
Ryan Gosling is a crack-addicted inner city teacher whose friendship with one of his students changes both of their lives with poignancy. It's a bit predictable, but still powerful.

That's it. I just got Doomsday in the mail today so look out for that one.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Makes sense

I'm not really sure what the best/most ridiculous part of this photo is: That someone takes their turtle for walks, or that they have a leash for it. Is there a big market for turtle leashes?

Anyway, I'm working on something that may or may not come together -- til then beware the scenester menace sweeping the globe.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Hey ... Josh

So it turns out the best way to come up with new things for goats-relating posting is for the goats to experience new things. Shocking, really. So in that spirit I went down to a Radiohead concert last night sans tickets.

The roommate, aka sinsin, said a friend of his was driving to Camden to try and see the concert. This is at about 7 pm -- and as you probably know from watching South Park, Radiohead fans are some of the most devoted out there. I think this concert sold out in like 25 minutes or something. So prospects for getting into the show seemed slim, not too mention the unlikelyhood of getting close enough to the stage to bite off Thom Yorke's dick (what?).

Whatever, we thought, if we can't get in we can always just go to Hooters.

But things were looking up when I found a half-full (never half-empty) Heineken mini keg in the parking lot. And then some random scalper sold us tickets for face value. HOLY SHIT WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING TO SEE THE SHOW. Not so fast hot shot, was what the guy who took our tickets and kicked us out because they were fake probably thought. Stupid wily scalpers and their real-looking fake tickets.

So we were standing outside the gate, possibly crying, when some other guy comes walking by with 4 more tickets for sale. Obviously we were a bit skeptical this time around -- but he assured us that he was going into the concert as well and we could walk in alongside him. We agreed to his price, and the man was as good as his word.

Obviously the show was amazing. I'm not going to bore you with the incredibly awesome details. Let's just say Radiohead in concert sounds better than they do on CD or mp3. And National Anthem rocks. Best concert I've been to since Wolfmother at the Electric Factory.

Note: This is not from their current tour -- the light show now is far better, but there are only fan videos of it. Clearly below the goat standard.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Set your phasers on loser

Blah blah, Triumph at Comic Con 2008. Mildly amused. In other news, I'm sick of writing shit for this blog that no one reads.

Monday, August 11, 2008

This guy

Yeah yeah this is a few years old, but that doesn't diminish the message. A message only enhanced by Bop Gun.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Screw you Phillies

So you guys are in first place, yet I've somehow been to 8 straight losses? You're a clever goose. Why the hate for season ticket holders with the "A" plan? Has our constant heckling of Pat Burrell caused him great mental anguish? Did he then try to assuage his tormented soul by playing subtle mind games with the other hitters during batting practice, screwing up their swings with his well-known Burrell shuffle technique? Seems unlikely.

I thought for sure yesterday the streak would be broken. Cole "Hollywood" Hamels was on the mound against some young Marlins guy no one has ever heard of -- surely a recipe for a W. But beware the unknown Florida arm, because the Phils got shut out. Truly disheartening.

Fuck it, let's dance. That'll perk things up.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Nothing to see here

Thank god for Marines valiantly defending hot sunbathers. Wait, what?

I feel like there are all kinds of jokes to be made here. But I can't seem to think of anything besides the patriot act. Oh well.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Jet Li approves

There is not one universe, there are many. A multi-verse. We have the technology to travel between universes. But travel is highly restricted, and policed.

There is not one you, there are many. Each of us exists in present time in parallel universes. There was balance in the system. But now a force exists that seeks to destroy it, so he can become The One.

That force? Barack Obama. Watch out or he'll hit you with motorcycles that he swings about like giant clubs!

Monday, August 04, 2008

What up sluts

Back in the house. Or should I say apartment, which is surprisingly untrashed by the crazy roommate. Except for some sort of chocolate puke around the toilet. Anyway, my vacation leaves me refreshed and probably invigorated, at least until I get into work. Expect a return to some sort of regular posting schedule, assuming I don't spend all my time perusing journalismjobs.

Highlights of the trip include this (hilly as fuck) there and back bike ride for delicious Maine burritos, possibly destroying the propeller of a distant cousin's ski boat, and -- most shockingly -- an enjoyable trip to church. If you care to see photos of the trip, best keep an eye on my sister's photostream. Bonus: Photos of Brazil.