Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year

Ratatat -- Mirando.

Have a look

As promised, here is your very own "year in review" post by goats. On the final day in the year of our lord 2008, an erratic list of things I found still relevant while after the baby attacks. Me syntax good.

"Are you being sarcastic?"
"I don't even know anymore."
There were a lot essays, posted with varying degrees of failure terrible success. I like to think the misanthropic ramblings fell into two categories: Somewhat earnest, and completely facetious. The trick is determining which is which. If it's about some national or world issue like Korean Beef or warrantless wiretapping, it likely was written in jest. Serious posts tend to delve more into anecdotes, or human nature through media. I guess.

Anyway: Animals! Pandas, penguins and bears.

More politics were posted here than I would have liked. Remember when I called Obama a magical negro? It seemed like a good idea at the time. Also: GnR holds up.

There were tons of videos.

A book club was around for a while -- not sure how many participated, but Blood Meridian, A Confederacy of Dunces, World War Z, and Master and Margarita were read. Then it kind of petered out. No linky.

And of course obscure energy drinks were discussed.

That's it, I'm sick of making this.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Top 10?

You know how all kinds of media run their "Top 10" crapfests at the end of the year. Here's a secret: Everyone is off around the holidays and these lists are a great way to fill space.

Anyway -- here's a selection of search terms that led here during the past year, minus most of the "fainting goats" searches because there are so many of those and they are almost entirely stupid. All terms taken verbatim from ice rocket.

Windmills do not work that way
This is my milwaukee
Can A Manta Ray Kill You? + animal
wire season one rawls "deeply ambivalent"
"apocalyptic disney"
video chris wheeler world fucking champions
origin of "being the guinea pig"
suckiest sucks that ever sucked video
mythbusters fainting goats xxx
Toadvine Blood Meridian

That's it. People search for some weird stuff, eh? I linked what I could find. There was no post that directly corresponds to some like "mythbusters fainting goats xxx" but I included those anyway, for laughs.

Going through and gathering those links makes me want to put together some sort of top 10 list with editorial discretion. Because rehashing old material is awesome. Look for that maybe next week after I get back from a short vacation.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Free dirty money

The other day I was bicycling in the early dawn and thinking about getting some frostbite. Suddenly I spotted a ten dollar bill lying in the middle of the street. Oh fortuitous chance that I happened to take that particular route to work that day. Now some might just chalk it up to luck and go buy something for 10 dollars. Not me. For some reason it's important to consider the deeper meanings and implications of finding money randomly.

Later I stumbled across a news article, titled "Where did the bailout money go? Shhhhh, it's a secret." After my initial shock at the idea that some sort of doofus-looking woman is in charge of more government funds than have been spent in Iraq, I had an epiphany. Clearly the banks aren't telling where the money is going because of their secret plan.  A plan to literally litter the streets with cash. Streets many will soon be forced to live on after their homes are taken by these very same banks. What better way to benefit the nation's poor?

Of course, this begs the question why? Why not just send out some checks like the notoriously-successful stimulus package that went out earlier this year? The problem with that was some unpatriotic bastards decided to save their 600 dollars in hopes of building a nest egg and the economy remained sadly unstimulated. But when the money is thrown into the street, it becomes found money, free to all. Few things are spent faster than free money even if it is only percieved that way.

So to Hank Paulson, the Goldman Sachs wizard who undoubtedly came up with this plan, I say "Huzzah, good sir!" You have finally found a way to stimulate the flagging economy even while historic numbers of laid off workers hit the unemployment rolls. Just imagine Paulson and all the other bank bigwigs smearing dog shit all over small unmarked bills (for realism) and then driving down main street throwing them out the window of their rolls royce limos. It's going to be the best Christmas ever!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Apropos of nothing

You tell 'em Clay.

Friday, December 19, 2008

What the shit is this

Just when you thought things couldn't get anymore absurd -- Burger King releases a body spray. Warning: There are things in that link that will haunt you forever.

This product begs all kinds of questions -- like what does it smell like? Answer: Burgers. Do people actually want to smell like "the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat" as the company says? Maybe, but it's doubtful that's an accurate description. According to assumptions I'm making while I type this, it smells more like Sex Panther. Sixty percent of the time it works every time.

After an unreasonable amount of thought, I can only come up with two reasons for this to exist. There may be more but thinking about fast-food scented perfume fills me with confounded rage -- a feeling I've been trying to avoid.

1) Kitsch/Irony. Ha ha you got meat spray in your stocking. Hilariously worthless!

2) Marketing. This is almost certainly how this came to be. Some flack thought an ironic and useless product would be a good way to expand on the creepy-ass king mascot campaign. Thus raising public awareness of their "wacky" burger king brand. And from looking at the results of google news search, it seems to have worked.


“It’s a Wonderful Life” is a terrifying, asphyxiating story about growing up and relinquishing your dreams, of seeing your father driven to the grave before his time, of living among bitter, small-minded people. It is a story of being trapped, of compromising, of watching others move ahead and away, of becoming so filled with rage that you verbally abuse your children, their teacher and your oppressively perfect wife. It is also a nightmare account of an endless home renovation.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

A quote

This may be the year when we finally come face to face with ourselves; finally just lay back and say it — that we are really just a nation of 220 million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns, and no qualms at all about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
-Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail '72

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Nice try there buddy

This has got to be a metaphor for something.

The Dickensian Aspect

So. Slumdog Millionaire. It's an intricately, or at least interestingly plotted tale about a Mumbai orphan who goes on the Indian version of "Who wants to be a Millionaire" but not for the money. After reaching the final question, he is arrested and tortured, because a "slumdog" could never know all the answers. As he is questioned by police we slowly learn about his life, through flashbacks to his 18 years of experiences have prepared him to be a successful game show contestant.

While the film doesn't have the grit of say, "City of God" it does offer a fairly unflinching view of the poorest put-upons in one of the largest cities in the world. The viewer gets to watch these kids' run-ins with various orphanage-operating gangsters (?) as they survive primarily via their witty grift.

The film does a good job of balancing the obvious terribleness of the characters station in life with lighter moments that pop up throughout. Another example of how Danny Boyle is the master of light-hearted examination of dark themes.

For example, there is one scene where the young protagonist is forced to jump in a shit-filled latrine hole to get a famous celebrity's autograph. Haha, poop. I'm not going to try to analyze the somewhat inexplicable Bollywood-style dance number at the end.

I'd recommend checking this one out if you get the chance, if only for the awesome way the game show host says, "Let's play 'Who wants to be a Millionaire!'" Plus it offers us westerners an view into a complex culture through an understandable parable/love story.

Monday, December 15, 2008

The bird is the word, and it's on fire

From left, last year, this year

When plans to travel up to NYC are hit by a car, it provides motivation to make the best of it in the greater Philadelphia area. This meant taking a bus into the city to see a movie not yet in wide release (Slumdog Millionaire) followed by watching a giant bird going up in flames.

What? That doesn't make sense? Well then you are unfamiliar with the local tradition of setting a 35-foot tall wooden bird on fire to the delight of young and old. It's like the Phoenix of yore, reborn once a year to light up the night sky. And then a bunch of pagans dance around it in a circle, along with ubiquitous hippies and their circular drumbeats.

It is the biggest party ever (in Phoenixville). There ain't no party like a Phoenixville party cause a Phoenixville party don't stop. The point is that when someone says "Hey you want to go see them light the giant wooden bird on fire?" You undoubtedly say yes.

Please let this be Bush's legacy

Multiple angles!

We can only hope Barack Obama shows this kind of reaction time and good humor when faced with a crisis of such great magnitude. Also, the Iraq War is like road rage.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I'm inspired

Keeping with the video blog theme:

This is just a video blog now


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Dogs with british accents can sell anything

OK yes, this is an anti-drug spot. But dare I say its the only effective such ad in the history of the world?

Unexplained perks

No one has ever accused me of being a diehard hockey fan. Never played, can barely skate, never been to a game, hate Canada, etc. Frankly, I would rather watch soccer. But that all changed, not really, the other night when I attended my first-ever Flyers game and sat in the first row right behind the visitor's penalty box. Maybe you saw me tossing up the shocker on TV? (photo unavailable at this time).

Anyway, its probably more than stating the obvious to say watching a professional hockey game in person, up that close, is a bit more exciting than seeing it on television. Oh shit that guy just got owned on the glass! My friend, who has been to some 50 Flyers' games, said they were the best seats he's ever had. He then offered rimjobs for the guy who hooked us up the tickets.

Anyway, hockey is still the lamest of all the sports to watch on TV, but sitting rinkside is pretty much awesome. Also, I am officially ruined for life on live hockey. Not much else to report. We thought better of pulling the trigger all over the glass on the last Islander penalty (Bill Guerin, still alive!).

Oh wait, there is one other amusing anecdote. The one usher assigned our section brought two skanky cougars down to sit in the empty seats next to us in the third period, presumably as part of some pucks for pussy scheme. They proceeded to annoy the shit out of my friend with their whining about how hot Daniel Briere is, even though he wasn't playing because he's injured. Greh.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Metallica, relevant in 2008?

The combination of zombies and whatever the heck else is going on in this video for "All nightmare long" is almost enough to make up for the last 10 years of useless crap. Falling Madly in anger with you indeed.

Drunk and on fire is no way to go through life

Here are a few quick links while anonymous brushes up on his 'Revenge of the Nerds' canon:
It's exactly what you would expect.

And for something completely different, laugh at the highlights of an Ayn Rand dating site. Or consider an Atlas Shrugged update for the current economic situation. God I hate Objectivists.

Finally, here are what purports to be the 10 best Hunter S. Thompson quotes.

Monday, December 08, 2008

There are no heroes

So here's some "news" from the web -- Comrade-Elect Obama is stocking his cabinet with Ivy League types. While some say that putting those with proven "intelligence" and "credentials" in positions of power is a good idea -- it's just not that simple. The fact is that these ivory tower elitists just don't understand the problems of everyday Americans like say, Joe the Plumber. (What ever happened to that guy? Oh)

Anyway, liberal columnists like Frank Rich and are already ringing the warning bells and sounding the alarms and whatnot. These nervous nellies say that the new president faces an economy in meltdown alongside violent crises at home and abroad. Or maybe the president said that.

Either way, these financial picks are the descendents of Clinton freemarketism. Just like JFK's "best and brightest" who led us into Vietnam while avoiding nuclear war with the Soviet Union. So I guess that means that we will avoid a new great depression by miring ourselves in endless class warfare.

A bit melodramatic, sure, but are you fighting your personal war on life? Take every day and strangle it by the throat until it is dead. Unnecessary. Veering off into dangerous gibberish. Do I have a point? Why, the war on nerds (tm) of course. Your books cannot save you now smarty. Unless you somehow use them to build weapons.

Much like the War on Terror, the War on Drugs and the War on Christmas, this may be an unwinnable war. These pointy-headed eggheads will take our women in the moon bounce while dressed as popular Star Wars bad guy Anakin "Darth Vader" Skywalker.

Why wouldn't this exist?

Movies acted out in 30 seconds by animated bunnies? Sure.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Great moments in Internet commenting

This was left on a story on my work web site about a new plan to provide cheap prescription drugs for sick people.

" HOW MUCH IS THIS COSTING THE TAXPAYERS? The article doesn't say, naturally, proving yet again that the [newspaper] is part of the spreading socialist conspiracy. I don't begrudge Mr John Grant's desire to continue living, but why should I and my family have to subsidise his insulin and all that? Be fair. My common-law husband Hank was unemployed for a time last year and when we couldn't afford insurance he simply switched from our family doctor to the vet. It was cheaper, and every time he went for an appointment he came home for a free chew toy for our dog, Gibbon. People like Mr Grant would do well to follow our example. Hank is healthier than ever, and he moves a little farther up the transplant list every day. Anyway, Commissioner Aichele and Commissioner Farrell -- to say nothing of the [newspaper] -- owe us the TRUTH about the costs of this program. NOW! "

If only I had a nickel for every time someone accused me of being part of the giant socialist conspiracy. Seriously though, going to the vet for medical treatment is the best option when you lose your health insurance. Hey, it worked for Kramer.

edit: Yes this is almost certainly fake. But still hilarious. Here's a comment left by the husband on some other story. The best part is other commenters are responding back. Effective trolling.
"I wish to apologise for the content and tone of my earlier comment. I did not actually read the article in question. Instead, my common-law wife, Bea, summarised it for me verbally, and it appears her summary was well short of the mark. (This often happens; she confuses easily.) I apologise to the [newspaper], its readers, the family and friends of the victims, and to Bea."

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


Electronic pioneers The Prodigy are releasing a new album next year and the title track "Invaders must die" is was available for free via their web site. All you have to do is sign up for Prodigy-related spam!

But seriously, Prodigy will probably never recreate the success they had with "Fat of the Land" but it's nice to see them back in action. And the new single is solid -- kind of a return to their hard-rocking days of Smack My Bitch Up and Breathe. So it's a good start.

Will the album fill out with underrated tracks like Climbatize? Will there be a huge controversy after a song is horribly misunderstood and the video is only shown late at night? Will the Beastie Boys request said controversial song be pulled from their set at a music festival? Only time will tell.

Discussion point
Better electronic act: The Prodigy or Daft Punk?

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

This is ridiculous

This is supposed to be a Disney-ification of Akira. I find it oddly unsettling.

Monday, December 01, 2008

From the wire

I like how it is carefully considering what to play next.

Dolphinariums are something that exist? That's it, I'm going to Turkey.

This is why we can't have nice things

So as was mentioned here before -- I moved this weekend. Moving sucks. But boy am I glad to be out of the old apartment. The most recent roommate was fun for a while, but well, this anecdote sums it up.

On Saturday night we had a little closing up shop kind of get together. A few friends came over for drinks. I heated up a potato in the microwave and threw it against the wall. All in all, a good time.

After a few hours we decided to head out to the bars. Blah blah, you know the drill. Eventually I got tired and called it a night. I retired back to the apartment by myself, locked it up and hit the sack.

The next thing I know I'm woken up by a police officer yelling through my bedroom door something about getting tazed. Groggily, walked into the main room, where most of the group that had been at our place earlier is sitting sheepishly on our two couches with two cops giving them the business.

Obviously confused and pantsless, I asked the cops what the heck was the trouble? One police indicated that I should look at one of our walls, which just happens to have shattered glass all along its base. Apparently these geniuses and credits to the humanity came back and decided they were not done partying. Who knows what else was involved, but throwing beer bottles our apartment wall seemed to be a big part of whatever they were doing. At 6 a.m.

So now along with the undoubted sacrifice of the security deposit, I now look forward to a nice noise violation fine, for sleeping heavily. Although at least in the morning this situation provided the opportunity to say to the few still lying around passed out, "Y'all are going to either help me clean up, or get the FUCK out." They picked up the glass.