Monday, April 30, 2007

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Stoner Movies

5. Half Baked
Oh David Chapelle. Your rapstar Sir Smoke A-Lot blows the future Rick James out the water. My favorite scene is when Scar Face (“he’s kinda high strung for a stoner”) quits his job at the burger joint.

4. Caddyshack
This movie makes sense because playing golf sober does not.

3. Yellow Submarine
Bonus points for never referencing the stonering directly, keeping instead to a system of allegory that involves blue meanies and talking gloves. George Harrison is so much bigger than Jesus, especially when he shows up on the mountaintop all hippy long-haired. In contrast, John’s just weird.

2. The Big Lebowski
I’m okay with making this number two because, in my list of best movies of all time, it’s easily number one. “This case has a lot of ins and outs, what have yous, but thankfully I’ve been keeping to a pretty heavy regiment of drugs and alcohol, to keep my mind clear.” And as opposed to the infant Jesus, I prefer to worship this purpled one, as per his priest, Liam.

1. Dazed and Confused
This is its own universe of stonering, complete with socio-stratified levels of take and abuse. A fucking masterpiece that only gets better the more it’s watched. And the music rocks. And drugs make you throw bowling balls through shit. Goddamn. I wanna watch it right now.

On the Bandwagon: Golden State Warriors

I had a sneaking suspicion that I liked the Warriors when I watched them score 45 in the first quarter against the Suns. But I wasn't going to commit to a team that may or may not make the playoffs. I have enough sports-neurosis without adding another non-playoff NBA team to the mix.

But now its different. Don Nelson is Johnny Cash somehow. Baron Davis, heretofore known as BDAVIS, decided to become a fucking assassin circa 2000. He's like an New Yorker reader's Gilbert Arenas. Not going to get his own blog anytime soon, but still rocks the beard.

Lets run down their line-up shall we?


SG - Jason Richardson

He's a two time slam-dunk champion. A two-footed jumper, as they say. You know, pop some threes and heat it up on occasion.

Stephen Jackson
His craziness makes him good. Will take and make big shots all day. Helped win it for the Spurs in 99.

Matt Barnes
He's got some sort of mohawk and used to play for the sixers, good enough for me. Here he is gripping up on Stephen Jackson.

Mickael Pietrus/Al Harrington
So different, yet so the same. One is French, the other is Al Harrington.

So yeah, I'll be over at Say Hey to get my Bay Area fandom on, mainly so I can listen in of the swaggiest locker room still alive.

Also this.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Our long regional nightmare is finally over

That's right Philadelphia sports fans, the 20-odd year championship drought ended, i guess. The Kixx are your National Major Indoor Soccer League champs. Suck it Detroit Ignition fans!

I will always regret not making the trip to the Compuware Sports Arena to witness this historic event. That place erupted when a Detroit defender was blue carded, resulting in a 2-point penalty goal for the Kixx. I have no idea what that means.

When player-coach Don D'Ambra scored a 3-pointer to put the game away, a palpable gloom was lifted from the city of brotherly love.

Upon further review, it seems they also won the championship in 2001. I am going to pretend that never happened. When is the parade again?

Plus they give away free hats.
Free. Hats.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Phriday Philler

Got a few things here to cap off the week.

First we have the Phillies countdown to 10,000 losses. Right now the phightin phils stand a mere 32 losses away -- in the best case scenario they won't cross that milestone until July. But I got my money on early June. There are a couple sites running a countdown, here's one. Watch for me running across the field in a flesh colored bodysuit when they "break the record"

Second, in case you didn't know sorority girls are a bunch of shallow bitches, here's video evidence. From that bastion of higher learning, Northwestern, no less.
LETS GET DRUNK AND VOMIT OFF THE FOURTH FLOOR SUNDECK WHILE WATCHING MARCO HIT MIKE BROWN IN THE EYE WITH A SPATULA. Sorry inside joke -- just remember that universal truth -- Tri-Delts are whores.

Whats that? There aren't enough music videos about werewolves having sex on this blog? Well consider that problem solved.
"Your not like all the other girls."
"Why? Because I'm Canadian?"
"Ha ha ha ha!"
"Yeah probably"

Here's a map of pirate attacks in 2006. Apparently the carribbean isn't the hotbed of pirate activity that Johnny Depp would like you to believe. Douche.

Hmmm, what else? Well this is in poor taste. But it still makes me laugh. As noted before, I am a bad person, corrupting the minds of today's youth with my godless propaganda. Just like Oprah.

Finally -- TMoney, if you don't get your damn stoner movie response up by Sunday you will be berated with extreme ambivalence. The biggest of dogs my ass.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Breaking: The Onion News Network

Panda Demands Abortion

It is pandas.

Professor Crazyhate or: how I learned to stop worrying and love the PWNAGE

Billy was driving down to the city at the buttcrack of dawn and he stops at Wawa for coffee and a bagel. Glancing over at the newspaper rack, as he is wont to do, he notices a young man of asian descent brandishing various glocks on all the local dailies, except for the Inquirer (who wisely kept such images below the fold).

That is fucking awesome, he thinks.

Upon return to work, the news editor has worked himself in a none-too-rare rage because 30 or so subscribers, mostly mouth-breathing members of the moral majority, have called him to express their displeasure over this editorial choice.

"Well now you know what the victims saw!" he says into the phone, slamming down the receiver.

"People called in to bitch about the front!" he says like Billy and everyone within earshot has something to do with the choice of photographs. They did not.

Then the crusty alcoholic night editor comes wobbling in still drunk at 3 pm, brandishing the NY Daily News like a club.

"The fuck they did," he says, "Those fuckers need to get with the damn program."

Billy quickly turns back to his computer, so as not to engage the alky in one of his rambling, incoherent monologues about the black arts (of journalism) in the good old days (the 70s).

He sits at his desk, staring at his monitor, zoning out. He's not doing anything, but it looks like he's working. This is the worst reader outrage there has been since Barbaro's death, so it's best to lay low.

Maybe the protesters will show up, he thinks. That would be nice. But tis not to be, the protesters are a story for another day.

The immediate danger passes when the editors head into the conference room for a meeting, so Billy gets up to take a lap around the newsroom. He stops behind the resident ambulance-chasing photographer, who is looking over various front pages at

"The photoshop winner is The Detroit News," the photog says.

Billy heads back to his desk, wondering what it all means. Maybe Richard McBeef, Cho's poorly written one act play will shed some light.

It doesn't. Cho still comes across as a fucking psycho.

"How the hell was this guy allowed to purchase guns?" he says to himself while contemplating how to get a gun of his own. Probably a revolver or shotgun.

But there is no time for idle thoughts -- there are pages to lay out, web sites to update and news stories to write, as Billy's corporate overlords have balanced many golden eggs on his lumpy, misshapen head.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Deathmatch counterpunch: Best places to visit in the Mushroom Kingdom

This is so fucking arbitrary, I am not even gonna number them. The first rule of Deathmatch? There are no rules.

That level where you get in a boot in Mario 3

There you go. The almighty green boot's protection overwhelms all bitey/spikey enemies.
Good old level 5, the sky level. You know what they say, "Better bring your P-Wing."
Nobody says that.

Koopa Troopa Beach

Much better than that totalitarian paradise, Wario Stadium. For one, its the beach, some sort of desert island. No hustle and bustle to deal with. Just sit back and watch the go karts go past. I would chill by the palm trees to see the crashes. Plus, there's the sweet tunnel, the crab-infested sandbar, and monkeys in the trees. Not to mention you can go off a bunch of sweet jumps.
Yoshi sucks.

Wherever the Mario Party is

From what I can see, Mario parties with Jack Daniels, and they rock the gib. Master Chief is also there for some reason, I guess he's the bouncer. Just wait til Ronald McDonald shows up.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Deathmatch listoff: Best Stoner Movies

Well, there is no way I am going to be able research enough Mushroom Kingdom mythology before Sopranos to have any kind of "coherent response" to TMoney's post, and likewise my weekly media diatribe/catharsis is proving elusive. So here is something that is LONG overdue.

And what better than this list a mere 2 days after the high holiday. True fashion. While the definition of "stoner movie" may be a point of contention, I am going to say its any movie where a main character partakes in cannabis. Hopefully I won't get too distracted by "Planet Earth: Forests" on the Discovery Channel to finish this before Tony et al.

6. Grandmas Boy

This movie is somehow underrated and overrated at the same time. So idiotic and yet surprisingly rewatchable. It really could be replace by any number of other Sandler/Stiller movies that lack the ganj. Like Happy Gilmore. Nevertheless, it has a karate monkey.

5. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels This is probably pushing the definition of stoner movie, but the transporter gets high as hell and weed is a major part of the plot. And it fucking rules. So much so that I'm posting 2 clips.

So many choices. How bout "guns are for show, knives for a pro?" It's funny because Soap is such a pussy up until that point.

4. Half Baked
A classic. From the death of Buttercup to the death of Killer. And I quote, "Killer was born to a 3-legged bitch of a mother. And he was always ashamed of it, man." Great cameos -- such as Bob "I suck dick for coke" Saget and Jon Stewart. Not to mention Sir Smoke-A-Lot.

3. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Just that the "devil's harvest" poster I had in college makes an appearance merits, uh, this movie's appearance on this list.

Plus it has something for everyone. Whether your funny-bone preference be shitting, freaks, racism, or sex with freaks, you are pretty-well covered.
"Bullets! My only weakness. How did you know?"
Also, I enjoyed re-enacting this scene when I worked at a pizza place out in Wisconsin. True Story.

2. Dazed and Confused This really is the stoner movie by which all others should be judged. So well put together, with the younger and older generations interacting and whatnot. Ah, life in 1970s Texas, when high school seniors could drive around drunk and administer savage beatings on freshmen. Plus there's a ton of random stuff going on that is fucking hilarious. For example, this scene. Ignore Wooderson's ridiculous dialogue and watch.

1. The Big Lebowski The dude abides. Walter on the other hand? Not so much. World of pain indeed.

Dammit I forgot Super Troopers and Caddyshack. Oh well, they probably shoulda been in there somewhere. And I'm sure there's a ton of others I missed. So to make up for it, here's a video of arguably the greatest scene in movie history.

Deathmatch Listoff: Best Places to visit in the Mushroom Kingdom

It’s been a heartwarming experience to watch the Mushroom Kingdom evolve into a bustling society these last two decades. Who could have known, when an Italian imagined by Japanese cultural relativists was taken to a strange pipe-filled world to battle “goumbas,” that this world would expand to a landscape of classy soccer arenas, major-league racetracks, scintillating sexual mores, and technological marvels that include a road made of rainbows and an orbiting arena.

Not I. I’m still pretty sure Nintendo should have died about twenty years ago, when they came out with that weird-ass robot and its spinning discs. But thankfully no. And now, in this here 2007, we are free to debate the femininity of Waluigi, the harem of toad-men Princess and Daisy keep in tow, and of course, the engagement between Yoshi and Birdo (I mean, have you seen the size of her ring?...Birdo’s the she, by the least I hope so).

Anyhoo. Deathmatch Listoff Go Now Die!

4. The Coin Clouds From Super Mario Brothers 3
So a raccoon tail and you can fly, eh Mario? All right then. But, logically, you must get a feather first to grow said raccoon tail. And then you’re off, up out of the screen and into an arrangement of strange clouds, where money can be plucked from the air itself.

I like it. I’d enjoy hanging out a bit up here to watch the action below. This was back before the mutual treaty of cooperation that allowed sporting ventures between the likes of Mario’s faction and the clan of Bowser. This is old war stuff—hammer brothers shredding bitches, goumbas idling lazily (like their Italian namesakes), turtles caught shamelessly in the crossfire. And the cloud environs look plush and inviting, godlike if you will. I miss old-school Mushroom Kingdom.

3. Donkey Kong Stadium: Mario Baseball
A stream in center field. Giant barrels shot at you as as fly balls descend. Listless crocodiles that latch on to fielders and prevent them from diving. Brilliant. I have a soft spot in my heart for the Donkey Kong family. Maybe it’s their pre-speech methods of communication, or their brute intolerance of evil.

Regardless, if I were to visit, I’d enjoy an inning or two in the infield, as to avoid a barrel to the dome. Then I’d retreat to the strange tree house down the left-field line and light a huge blunt, hoping that my superhuman control of fire wouldn’t send the monkeys screaming. The jungle environs in the distance, by the way, look delightful. Much better than Wario’s desert ballpark just down the way.

2. Orbital Lizard Stadium: Super Mario Strikers
I’d enjoy the ride here as much as the environs themselves. Who’s the best space pilot in the Mushroom Kingdom? I’m gonna go with those goalie lizards introduced in Mario Soccer, though Petey Piranha, he who flaps his leaf wings and drops bombs to right field, would be a close second.

I like the fanfare that Mario Soccer brings out. All the flashing lights, streamers, and Bacchanalian excitement that seems almost Spanish in its revelry. I wonder if Bowser’s ever thrown someone out of an airlock. I could see it.

1. Wario Stadium: MarioKart N64
The Mushroom Kingdom, like Europe and Southeast Asia, has a troubling history of totalitarianism. I mean, they went from pipes to space travel in like a decade and a half. Shit's gonna get crazy. Insurgent, if you will.

So at one point in this struggle toward modernity, Wario conquered a bunch of smaller peeps and proclaimed himself Supreme Leader. How do I know this, you ask? From his stadium.

Besides the sad, slave-like members of his audience (probably promised food in exchange for their attendance), besides the rustic dirt track that obviously betrays a crippling fuel shortage, and besides the cage-like subservience of Likitu, beginner of races—besides all these things, the ultimate mark of fascism here is the enormous, blue-tinted images of Wario himself, the state and leader intertwined with cultlike energy.

I’d rate him a cross between Mussolini and Kim Jong Il. Though I would say that his evil knows limits, unlike Waluigi, who definitely kills hookers.

In conclusion, I would like to visit this place the most because I would enjoy beating up on bitches with Wario, both of us drinking fine wine and forcing court jesters to dance. In the Mushroom Kingdom, power is everything. You don’t go there for a leisurely vacation. You visit because you can humiliate semi-human entities—via fastball, corner kick, or red shell attack—without any consequences whatsoever.

(I may or may not have written this post on April 20th.)

Friday, April 20, 2007

Phriday Philler

Got a couple links for the weekend.

First the Charlie Manuel-themed Cultural Oddsmaker is great this week, if only for the use of the phrase "taking bong hit from a colostomy bag."

Also, this time lapse video of the VT massacre's wikipedia page. You can watch history being written by random strangers on the Internet.

Thats it, I'm going to go build a gravity bong.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Deathmatch counterpunch: Best Adult Swim Shows

OK yeah I ripped the birdman, sorry about that. I have only seen it a couple times and cannot be faulted for any resulting ignance. My list is a little more "focused" on the absurdist. As anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time knows, making sense isn't my number one priority. And I apologize in advance if this makes no sense.

5. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. So ridiculous. Foreigner Belt is some of the greatest shit ever. Plus the Mooninites pwned Boston. And any cartoon that can inaccurately be described as dadaist by the associated press is A-OK in my book.

4. Futurama. Penalized because it isn't "originally" an Adult Swim show. I'd still probably rather watch it than anything else on this list though. Denevi already took the best clip so I can't really find anything else to .... MULTIBALL! BLERN! BLERRRRRRN!

3.Venture Bros. I always forget about this show. But I always watch it if I see it on, so there you go. ahahaha the Mummy got kicked in the nuts.

2. Sealab 2021. I am tired and cannot support my choices anymore, so take it from Moby Dick.

1. Robot Chicken. Hilarious dark as hell satire everytime, plus you can re-enact your favorite sketches at home with all your action figures. Don't tell me I'm the only one that does that. Here's the infamous tooth fairy sketch, its probably wrong that I find this hilarious.
"Is mom coming?"

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Deathmatch Listoff: Best Adult Swim Shows

That great proprietor of fainting goats, THope the III, has openly mocked Harvey Birdman, patient defender of 1970s cartoon characters everywhere, by claiming it a second-tier show on Adult Swim. This aggression will not stand. To wit:

5. The Venture Brothers
Much better than that terse and simplistic attempt at parody, Metalocolypse. I enjoy the psychological realism as per villains. And the hot beezys the David Puddy-esque character always reels in.

Hit or miss, I says. Most often hit. Especially when it comes to the ennui of the mooninites. I bet Meatball would totally be that guy who takes too much shrooms just because you tell him to (this is a C Wright reference).

3. Family Guy
I support commenter Grant’s conjecture that this show has become tired. I would actually say that it insists upon itself. Which brings us to this metafictional clip that is brilliant in its self-referential commentary…just substitute “Family Guy” for “Godfather.”

2. Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
Shut up Tommy. Stephen Colbert is so good on this show, everything else he’s ever done becomes better. Even The Incredibly Gay Duo. “Ha ha ha. Dislocation. Can I get a yank, sister?”

1. Futurama
It’s like the Simpsons got good again, and more nerdy. This clip says it all, especially the quote: “Amy, tend to the widow Pacman.” And it ties nicely into an upcoming post: Best places to visit in the Mushroom Kingdom.

Sealab 2020? Robot Chicken? Bah. Flimshaw.

Runnin' up on them crackers in they city hall

I have to get up at an ungodly hour tommorrow to cover the "Educators 500" in Philly (don't ask). So I don't feel like making the effort to put together a coherent piece of prose, which more than likely would be pretty shitty anyway.

So here's some observations in handy bullet format. Also, I'm watching the opening game of what is sure to be a highly competitive Nationals-Phillies season series, so something related to that might sneak in as well.

-Read this in a couple places, but you think Imus wishes he had made his ill-considered comments a week later? I do. And I gotta agree with someone named Ace Cowboy in that the MSM are much like a bunch of locusts, decending and devouring anything in their path.

-Speaking of which, I'm sorry for the victims at Va Tech and their families (being shot dead or knowing someone who was sucks a big one, I'm sure) -- but more than 6 times as many people died in a massacre in Iraq today, and I don't see Katie Couric or Wolf Blitzer descending on Baghdad like some sort of "good journalist." In fact the only reason I know about that is because I get all my news from the Internets and the AP wire.

-OMG that guy was clearly out stealing. Is that a Crawford brother umping second?

-Don't know if you heard about the whole Howard Eskin vs. Charlie Manuel donnybrook, but the funniest thing I saw was a comment by someone on the the 700 level comparing the it too the fight between Mike and Clint at the moon tower in Dazed and Confused. And I quote someone named "GM Carson."
Eskin: "I was just making an observation, you guys are losing a lot."

Charlie: "An observation, huh? So I'm losing with my friends, so I'm a fuckin loser. (pushes Eskin) Don't let your beard write a check your butt can't cash. What's the matter, pussy, outta observations? Why don't you observe while I punch your teeth down your fuckin throat."

-Also just saw over there that Brett Myers is going to the pen. I gotta say... i kinda like that move. I can see him as a set up guy, plus now fans can heckle him in the pen. The 700 level kills it for philly sports blogging, no doubt.

-Damn I gotta get out and buy NIN's new disc "Year Zero." It is a concept album set 15 years from now in some sort Orwellian, Post-Apocalyptic future. Plus it changes colors when you play it!

-VICTORINO! ground out. I am shocked. Color me shocked. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the problems with the Phillies start with Victorino and end with Howard. They need to start hitting.

-Shit I'm running out of ideas ... but wait, the Phillies are coming back a little. I really wanna see wife-beater come out of the pen and blow it. DOBBS with the clutch hit. I am going to assume his name is Lou Dobbs. *researching* Nope Greg Dobbs. Apparently Manuel called him "hotter than a bitch in heat" during spring training. I seriously wish Charlie would kick Howard Eskins ass. That would be freakin awesome.

-Thats all I got, so just to keep this whole adult swim argument going, there is no way robot chicken is overated. At all.
And now to NOT back up my blanket statement, here is the first half of the Dethclown episode of Metalocalypse.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Imma just post a crapload of videos

To celebrate a new(old) author here, and since apparently this blog has been "riddled with omissions" here's a shitload of videos I tracked down over the past few weeks. Mmmmm ambivalent.

First, THE line.

RIP Arrested Development

Mmmmm Baby Jesus

It was tough to decide which Bill Murray clip to put up, but this edged out "Cats and Dogs living together" from Ghostbusters.

And finally, here's some SeaLab for your grill. ahahaha pipes

Your Daily Blotter

a top-ten list of crimes reported in the blotter for the five boroughs of NYC.

Monday, April 10, 2007

A chilly Spring day with a healthy spattering across the criminal acts spectrum. With one failed mugging, two nonfatal shootings and a successful Supermarket robbery to go by the wayside, we turn to the highlights.

#5 Deboray Burton, 44, pummeled a supermarket security guard with a fistful of keys when he “refused” to let her steal $40 of meat. I like to think the use of the word “refused” in the report, signals that there was a negotiation, but that in the end, the stalwart 22 year old guard decided to stop her... She then beat him senseless.

The 4 spot goes to Thomas Driscoll. The 60 year old man who was caught selling untaxed cigarettes from his apartment. Lordy, lord! Untaxed!! That’s like half-off. Now , though Driscoll was quoted as saying, “I’m retired. I’m trying to make a living”. I know what was really going on; Driscoll is a true freedom fighter, sticking it to the man, a reminder of the days of Hippies, Yippies, Doctor King, The Weather Men and Oliver North! I commend him as he throws caution to the wind, the finger to the federal and state tax systems, stares into the face of cancer and says, “Social security isn’t cutting it, let’s sell some stolen shit!” Fight on, Brother Driscoll, Fight on!

#3 on our list is a sordid dish. Stinky with the over ripe fruit of jealousy, envy and garnished with a sprig of betrayal. That’s right... Puppy stealing. And not just any puppy stealing, but puppy stealing from a dude you know. For that is exactly what Joshua McKinney, 20, defaming the McKinney name for generations to come did when he kicked open a friends front door and took off with seven pit bull puppies. Woe...Woe I say is the future of mankind with twisted fucks like McKinney roaming the globe!! The puppies were unharmed.

#2, hurrah! Ripe with quality blotter-dom. The 65 year old Thomas Monk seems to have stabbed his 55 year old friend in the torso over a woman after a card game. More than anything, this notice should mean something to our freedom-fighting friend Thomas Driscoll, 60. Just cause you’re retired Thomas, doesn’t mean life is over and guerrilla sales tactics are the only way. You still have years of drunken knife fights ahead of you. Just look at Thomas Monk.

And the number 1 blotter spot this Monday goes to none other than Sayeeda Kelly, 34. After seeing another, younger (21) woman in her man’s SUV, Sayeeda went after that ho with a baseball bat.
This, of course, calls up the famed Jerry Springer Syndrome when one attacks the ho your lover is cheating with instead of attacking you lover who is indeed the real ho. I’m sayin’ girl, she was just trying to get some, it’s your man whose playing you...dummy. But it seems, as per usual, we would rather compete for love than confront love.
Highlights of the article include that, when arrested, Sayeeda was charged with “assault, menacing... and criminal possession of a weapon,” i.e. the baseball bat, but also “unlawful possession of marijuana (2 bags)”. Which raises the question, what is ‘lawful marijuana’ and where can I get some? In her defense, Sayeeda noted, “we were fighting and it was not my fault that I fight better than her”. Raising the age old question: if we fight and I kick you ass, should I get any more arrested than you? Maybe you should get arrested more for being a bitch?!

Till next time, this has been Blotter Beaters with Maximum Security.

editors note: this has been sitting in my inbox for a couple days, and I was gonna try and find some corresponding pictures, but fuck it. The only change made was correcting for AP style on "hoe." Damn I got correspondents all up in this piece.

A Quick Rejoinder

First of all, Tommy, don’t shroud a shoutout to your sister’s travel blog in an attack on me, biggest of dogs. One or the other muthafucka. I find such ambivalence to resemble the nitrous we both once inhaled from whip cream bottles reserved for a Kappa Sigma Thanksgiving: confusing and short-lived.

Secondly, that photoshop of Barry Bonds is definitely not racist. I actually think it’s kinda hot. What would happen if we photoshopped Dimitri Young onto a red-assed baboon and let them both frolic together, for all to see, in some kind of internet zoo?…oh wait, that’s terribly racist…For this I blame my lackluster Northwestern education and the whiteys like BA and Ted Riley who surrounded me.

Thirdly: Get your jimmy thicker. With St. Ides Malt liquor.

In conclusion: this site has been riddled with omissions under your stewardship (yeah I said it). One of these being a glaring lack of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law. I proffer him now, halved, as a chance at recompense:

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Not too much

I saw Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters the other night. Pretty much what I suspected, which is too say it got less funny as my buzz wore off. The best part was undoubtedly the ridiculous anti-piracy/let's all go to the lobby vignette thing at the beginning. I wanted to find the video and save you all 10 bucks, but alas I could only get the audio. Its about 50 times funnier if you imagine the lead singer as a jujube. Mastodon rules.

"Your money is now our money, and we will spend it on drugs"

In other news, this video of big wave surfing is pretty amazing.

For the full fainting goats experience, I recommend you play them both at the same time.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Phriday Philler

"Stop now before it's too late, been eating in the ghetto on a hundred-dollar plate. Nothing lasts forever, that's the way it's gotta be. There's a great black wave in the middle of the sea."
-This lyric from The Arcade Fire's "Neon Bible" has been in my head all week and I still have no idea what it means.

Couple weekend links for your possible infotainment.

First we got Whitlock on nappy-headed hos. Take it from this cracker-ass-cracka, the former Page 2 scribe keeps it real.

Speaking of my post earlier this week about Imus, here's another article about people's progeny paranoia that dovetails nicely with the point I was trying to make. Plus it rips on fatties, which I wholeheartedly support.

On the lighter side, this is just ridiculous.

And I would be remiss if I didn't offer this awesome NES emulator. I just wish they had Mike Tyson's Punch Out.

Peace out kids -- I'm off to find myself a hooker and some blow.

What the fuck is going on? /Plank

G4 is showing some sort of softcorn Asian-bukkake related programming. This shit is like adult swim times a million. I'm so glad I tuned into Ninja Warrior earlier.

So here's a natural transition to an IM conversation I had tonight about soccer. I am so confused. Also, the MLS is relevant.

Thope: MLS fantasy league ... unnecessary
Bob in SF: the MLS itself....unnecessary
Thope: I just wish there was a team in philly
Thope: I would go to games
Thope: probably
Bob in SF: we never went to a single game in chicago

Thope: MLS sucks, but its all we have
Bob in SF: their new marketing campaign on espn compares it to baseball
Thope: I would go boo the New York Red Bulls
Bob in SF: fuck Bruce Arena
Bob in SF: and Claudio Reyna too
Thope: Captain America is dead
Bob in SF: it's like, "Hey, Claudio, why don't you let Ghana score again like you're a fucking retarded 4th grader playing pee wee soccer"
Thope: I just threw up in my mouth

Bob in SF: so we get another shitty American coach
Thope: still interim!
Thope: I wanna see them get the special one
Thope: jose mauremo
Thope: chelski boss
Bob in SF: that would be awesome
Bob in SF: Mourinho defiant after calling referee "son of a whore"
Bob in SF: that's what the US needs in their coach
Thope: just cause he would would call donovan "landycakes"

Bob in SF: at least we have clint dempsey
Thope: true ... he does rap
Bob in SF: big deuce
Bob in SF: in da house
Thope: he hasn't done shit at the national team level though
Thope: drop a deuce?
Bob in SF: he scored in Germany
Bob in SF: when everyone else was picking their asses

Bob in SF: we should naturalize Beckham
Thope: he is D U N
Bob in SF: he's still probably better than any American midfielder we have
Thope: I like Beasley/Convey
Bob in SF: too bad they both weigh 130 lbs soaking wet
Thope: Beckham=instant set piece gold

Bob in SF: We should just cherry pick foreigners
Bob in SF: circa Preki for the "Wiz"
Thope: ahhh MLS
Thope: fucking Blanco is in that now
Bob in SF: David Regis
Bob in SF: hahaha
Thope: David fucking Regis
Bob in SF: that worked out well for everyone
Bob in SF: quite a masterful move by Steve Sampson

That was borderline retarder so here's a panda watching other panda's fuck on TV. You heard me, it's panda porn.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

2 and 6 babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Yeah thats right, you all will remember the night it all turned around for the 2007 Philadelphia Phillies. A cold night at Shea that was delayed when a cat ran across the outfield. I think it was a tabby.

But really I am writing this just to call Denevi out. I see your name up there right next to mine as a contributor to this blog. But what have you contributed? One lousy post that culminated in a Cincinnati-chili joke, the Ice Cube commercial and a bunch of comments where you call me baller. Queer.

Sure the Ice Cube commercial was solid gold, but I've gotten more out of my sister's travel blog. Its baseball season you son of a bitch. Where's that rapist wit that penned the epic "Jeff Shulman dragon" e-mail? Where I ask?

Ooooohhhh, you had to take your new computer back thrice, cause it didn't work. wah wah. That's what you get for not buying your shit from a Russian guy in the parking lot of Best Buy. Craigslist is a wonderful thing.

Imagine Ivan Drago saying, "You want Photoshop? I hook you up."

Sure my 5 key doesn't work anymore, but its no problem when a spare keyboard can be purchased for $7. On craigslist.

You probably went to the Apple store like a sucker. So here you go, enjoy.

not racist

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Fear and Self-Loathing in Barnes and Noble

As a member of the Entitlement Generation , I sometimes need to blame someone else for my problems, even if they are entirely (or even partially) of my own making. So I'm gonna go ahead and blame Don Imus. Because who better to pick on than the old and bigoted?

Actually lets start somewhere else.
Today I was talking to some kids in the bookstore for a story I'm doing about "teen readers." Pulitzer here I come!
SO I'm chatting with them, talking about their favorite books, and all of a sudden a guy who I presume to be their father comes up and asks what the hell am I doing?

I explain the nature of my newspaper assignment, and he asks to see ID. Now I don't want to trash my employer too much here, but suffice it to say, I don't have any kind of press credentials -- although they are coming?

Anyway, I show him my "reporters notebook," which actually says that on the front cover. This predictably does nothing, so I try to assuage the situation by offering my Wisconsin-issued drivers license (don't ask) and then offering to have him call my editor. He promptly whips out the cell phone and calls the number I give him. Thankfully I was able to recite it from memory.

After literally a one minute conversation, he hangs up the phone and tries to skulk off.

"Are we good?" I ask.

And while I should probably blame my generally sketchy demeanor (esp the beard) for this incident, I blame Don Imus. Now you may ask, "Why do you fault a crotchety radio personality for your being mistaken for a pedophile?" Let me explain.

I don't necessarily blame "Don Imus" the actual adult diaper-wearing radio host for my unusual encounter. I blame what he, and his whole fucking "nappy-headed hos controversy" represents.

The 24-hour news cycle is one of the worst things in the history of media. Sure there's been a yellow streak going all through journalism since its inception. Need I remind you of George William Randolph Hearst and the Spanish-American War?

It started getting hardcore during the Clinton years, when sycophantic talking heads began spewing their bile over graphics proclaiming "CUMSTAIN ON DRESS?" in 200-point font.

Obviously to anyone with reading comprehension skills, FoxNews was the first purveyor of this kind of sensationalist tripe. But the others quickly followed. CNN is a joke, and the presence of Keith Olberman does nothing for MSNBC, as that bowtied ass Tucker Carlson counteracts his effects. And get me started on local TV news. I guarantee if they have helicopter footage of a fire, that will lede the broadcast, even if Pakistan nuked India.

SO now what do we have? A corporate-run media that jumps all over any story that might get people talking. Anna Nicole Smith? Check. Don Imus? Check. But I don't blame the newspeople, not entirely. They are just trying to appease the higher-ups, the bean-counters, the corporate fucks who have never written even one news article, conducted one interview or attended one boring-ass meeting. These jackoffs could give a fuck about actually informing people and the good of the community. Its all about ratings, and more specifically, the bottom line.

Shit, newspapers were originally a public service, at least thats what I learned in Newspaper School. Ever heard of the Fourth Estate? Woodward and Bernstein? Well that is all down the tubes kids.

But anyway, this sensationalist aspect of news has totally destroyed any faith people have in reporters. And for that matter any stranger. Anyone that acts friendly is regarded with suspicion, because after all, the perv on "To Catch a Predator" last night talked the same way. And that, my friends, is why I was harassed for trying to write a nice little story about kids who like to read.
Questions? Comments?

Note: In no way does the Phillies current 1-6 record contribute to the anger that generated this post.

Sunday, April 08, 2007


that is just outstanding. I'm sad that very few will get it completely, but its too much too explain. Plus Cheney alone is such a comical figure at this point. Look at him lurking!

And if that doesn't do anything for you, maybe ol' Dick shooting the Easter Bunny will tickle your fancy.
There is no way that is real.

If you leave the ships are gonna wreck

Because arbitrary, offensive lists are what the internet is all about -- Here's a list of who should be resurrected instead of stupid Jebus (besides 2pac obviously). No Denevi, not Barry Bonds. Quiet you.

Pat Tillman - I know, I know, you expected something not serious to start. But just the fact that he could have more control over his own legacy would make it worthwhile. Remember, Jake Plummer is widely perceived as douchebag.

edit: Here I had something about Cory Lidle, but then I thought "What if his family sees this?" So I took it down. I guess I'm not completely soulless, which is good.

The Orangutan - What's that you say, they aren't gone yet? Well it's only a matter of time. Just look at this little guy and his tiger friend. Awwwwwww. Enjoy living in a zoo you little fuckers. It's like a prison for animals!

Use of the term "applesauce" as an expletive. As in "awwwww, applesauce!" Clearly better than fiddlesticks. For that matter pretty much all 1920s slang should come back. And how!

Martin Luther King
- If anyone could get crack out the ghetto, it's him. I'm looking at you, guy who OD'd on on Dickerhoff's front stoop on Friday night. Yeah, you're a diabetic all right. If by diabetic you mean injecting yourself with drugs. Oh wait. Anyway, anyone want to redneck-cracker it up at Swank Bar (West Philly's finest) with me?

Barbaro - Thousands of middle-aged women in West Virginia and Indiana would bow down to their savior, not to mention "Kristen" who wrote the Barbaro erotic fan fiction. WARNING, THERE ARE THINGS YOU CANNOT UNREAD. Although if the Big Boss Horse did come back I would rather kill myself than deal with the media coverage. Affirmed.

Rage against the Machine - Oh wait, already gonna happen.

Cliff Burton
- Former Metallica Bassist died in 1984 in a bus crash. Why oh why couldn't it have been Lars Ullrich. The band has pretty much never been the same. OBEY YOUR MASTER!

High-brow culture - I'm not saying I would necessarily partake in it, but it would be nice if it was there at all. I blame reality TV, especially Bam Margera. Not too mention everyone trying to get ahead. Check out this article and you'll see what I mean. But don't miss Dancing with the Stars live on ABC! I hope that Heather Mills leg flies off and hits Laila Ali, causing her to fly into a rage and beat the shit out of Ian Ziering.

OK I am just depressing myself now, so I'll leave it at that.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Working for the church while your family dies

I had an epiphany of sorts tonight for content here.
Blame the whiskey. Plus, the total hack job I did on a couple stories for this weekends paper (bird watchers + global warming = ruby-throated fart bird), and the realization that my employers are USING me to drive their corporation into the toilet.

To sum it up, I'm gonna rip off Simmons' thing where he uses quotes from movies to hand out awards. Except not limit myself to movies. Coming monthly(?) for baseball, maybe even for the NBA season/draft if I get sober and inspired.

I got a few other ideas as well, mostly involving stealing pictures off the wire. LATER

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Hatfield Dollar Dog Night

Watching the Phils play the Braves in the epic pitching matchup of Tim Hudson v. Cole Hamels. Its bottom 4, Victorino and Howard just got out, Utley's up, Imma liveblog it up for a minute. all times eastern

8:03- We got Harry the K in the house. He was extremely amused by "Happy the Pig" and "Frowny" the Phanatic. Old people are just like little kids and stoners. oooo ... shiny.

8:05- Utley flies out to end the inning.

8:06- Check out all the Phils batters' entrance music -- pretty good stuff over at the 700 Level. No more Holy Diver? Thats one more strike against Burrell. number 7 by my count.

8:10- Hamels is fucking dealing. Tim Hudson will be his 6th K of the night.

8:13- Bottom 5 now, still all bagels. We have a new Phillies announcer this year. None other than Gary Matthews Sr. Sarge in the house and not on HGH!

8:15- Aaron Rowand clearly has head injuries. Just look at his stance. Fucking Sped

8:16- Chris Wheeler just said that Phils catcher Carlos Ruiz is "deep in the box." And while I was typing that he just went yard. First hit of the night is a HR. CARLOS! RUIZ!

8:18- mmmm PBR

8:20- Yes, those managers do play hunches, sarge. Is sarge the replacement for Harry(soonly dead?) Just a hunch.

8:22- Hamels is a pitching god. Imagine Tom Glavine with Trevor Hoffman's change-up.

8:23- I smell a future "So bad its good: The Reaping." It smells like BO.

8:25- Rollins up, trying to make up for getting picked off earlier. You know J-Roll makes it rain. but not this time, 1 away. VICTORINO!

8:28- Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, Tim Hudson. Where's Mike Hampton?

8:31- This game is flying by. End of the sixth less than an 1 1/2 hours in.

8:33- It would be awesome if the final was 1-0 with the only run on a HR by Carlos Ruiz. He's no Chris Coste, but what can you do. And typing that caused Andruw Jones to single.

8:36- Harry and Sarge are repeating each other. Terrible. Sarge tries to recover by talking about how much it hurts the catcher when the ball hits him. Hamels is unfazed by the commentary, striking out Francouer.

8:38- Clearly Cole needs a fanclub. If we can have the "Padilla Flotilla" and the "Wolf Pack" not to mention "Sal's Pals" he deserves one. Suggestions are welcome.

8:40- Holy shit Burrell is getting booed for not getting to a texas-leaguer in left. IT'S ONLY THE SECOND GAME OF THE SEASON PEOPLE. Burrell needs to be traded, unfortunately.

8:43- Cole just had a web gem. Decision time, Harry? Shut up, Charlie is totally leaving him in. AND he gets out of the jam.

8:46- Dodge Stump the Fans -- Who was the was the winning pitcher when the phils clinched the 1993 NLCS in Game 6?
Tommy Greene

8:48- Base hit Burrell. Michael Bourn Identity in to pinch run. No Dice, Wes Helms hits into what will be one of many many his DPs this season.

8:50- Hamels is at 114 pitches -- doubt he's coming back. Four pitch walk to for Sped, I mean Rowand.

8:52- And yeah Hamels is clearly done as he is being interviewed in the clubhouse right now. WTF. The phils are still at bat. Sped just stole 2nd.

8:53- "Hamels' Whores?" sorry

8:56- The latino David Bell is in as a defensive replacement at third base. Niiiiice.

8:59- Who the hell is pitching for the phils? Lefty? time to peruse my 2007 Phillies media guide. Ahh Matt Smith. Best 10 bucks I ever spent on a drunken impulse.

9:02- Its Geoff Geary time. Top eight in a 1-0 game. My god the Phils bullpen is weak. This is your setup man? Really? When Flash gets hurt it could get Sam Cassell ugly.

9:04- I am praying right now. Fuck you ump that was a strike.

9:07- Still the same at bat. Chipper needs to break his face right here.

9:09- Chipper walked, but Andruw grounded out on the first pitch. Geoff Geary scares me.

9:10- Holy shit grindhouse looks fucking epic. As my co-worker told me her son said, "I'm glad Jesus was resurrected so I can go see Grindhouse."

9:13- Insurance run? Anyone? Victorino?

9:16- Rollins steals second, goes to third on the shitty throw. Victorina lines one into the left field corner. ahhh 2-0 thats nice.

9:17- Victorina gets thrown out trying to steal third with Ryho up. That was stupid. Flyin' Hawaiian my ass.

9:19- Ryho walks, only to get thrown out at home when Utley hits one off the right field wall. Garbage, but its time for flash gordon. Honestly what kind of nickname is that?

9:26- While I posted that Brian McCann just hit a game-tying home run. Fuck it I'm done with this. Something coming when the game ends.

Sped struck out to end the game in the eleventh. Ryan Madson already has 2 losses out of the pen. Its only the second game of the season. I am numbed up by the 4 PBRs. Adam Eaton is the next phillies starter.

I'll post some of the best lines in predator to cheer myself up.
What's the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils?

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

So bad its good: Lake Placid

I figured I'd dust off an old feature in honor of 300, which I saw last weekend.
In case you are wondering, despite the wall constructed of dead bodies, it was corny as all hell.
Here's a sampling:
King Leonidas: Dilious -- you are injured?
Dilious: (in pirate voice) Twas only an eye /applies eyepatch
King Leonidas: /randomly eats apple
Me: Baldomir, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Upon review of IMDB it seems Dilious was actually played by the actor who was Faramir in LOTR:ROTK, my bad)

Lets get on with it, first the poster.

What is up with "creature feature" movie posters? Always with the giant beast sneaking up on some unsuspecting hottie. First Deep Blue Sea, and now this. Do these studio execs have any creativity at all? Don't answer that.

On to the plot!

It stars Bridget Fonda as some sort of museum curator and Bill Pulman as the local fish and wildlife warden. Also, there's Oliver Platt as some sort of croc expert, Betty White as an old bitty, and the local sheriff. Most importantly, there is a giant fucking alligator that swam all the way from Africa to Maine, with the express purpose biting people's heads off.

Key Scenes:
The croc bites off someones head, and the head ends up back on land later, much to the disgust of someone, probably. Also I think Platt makes some sort of smart-ass remark. This is tough cause I haven't seen the movie in a while.

Any scene involving camping. Especially when Bridget Fonda whines about mosquitoes or something. And then the sheriff threatens to pee on Oliver Platt. For that matter ...

Any scene with the local sheriff and Oliver Platt is fucking gold. Their witty repartee knows no bounds. I think this random YouTube video may be on to something. AHAHAHAHAHA Pork Chop.

Finally, the croc takes down a bear in full CGI glory

Thats all I can remember. I think the croc takes down a chopper at the end or something, and then Fonda and Pullman make sweet love, cause their chemistry is ELECTRIC.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Pat Burrell goes down on dudes

"That's why I call him Pat "Wheels" Burrell."
-Me, to the business editor, after the left-fielder/adonis scored from first on a ball over Andruw Jones head(!) this afternoon.

Also today was the first ever time "Too High!" actually worked when a Brave infielder muffed a pop-up.

Man I'm glad baseball is back. As long as Dice-K doesn't commit any balks we are all good. SUPER MEGA POWER GYROBALL FIRE NINJA PITCH EXPLOSION-SAN!

Kudos: The Onion

And in closing, for no apparent reason, chicks who love guns.