Monday, March 30, 2009

Young Americans

This video was may have been 25 years ahead of its time, Vanilla Ice notwithstanding.

Golden Gods

So, uh, anyone watch that shit on Saturday? Scottie Reynolds did himself a hell of a Tyus Edney impression.

Rich kids from Long Island throughout the Main Line are waking up with hangovers after celebrating like its 1985. Kudos to them, and Sean.

Reward? A berth in the Final Four, and also possibly something involving Eagles cheerleader tryout rejects. That's the gift that keeps on giving. I don't know what that means.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Don't hurt me, giant robot baby!

Oh Japan, is there anything you can't do?

And yes, I am only posting this to push that rage-based initiative from earlier this morning down the page. Reading that is not so good for the humors. Makes 'em bilious.

Urge to kill ... rising

I don't know if its illness, lack of sleep, job stress, too much internet or what, but everything seems to be stimulating my aggravation bone (edit: That's what she said). Here's a few items in particular. Sorry in advance for the negative tone.

Fuck you and your precious driving. I will be riding my bike right down the middle of the lane. The speed limit is 25 and that's what I'm doing. And I will be running that stop sign as well. Here's a little analogy: If the energy you personally need to expend to stop and start your giant piece of junk road hog with the idiotic bumper stickers and custom paint job is the equivalent of one ear of corn, then the energy I must expend to stop and start my bike is a whole fucking silo. I am going to start carrying my chain lock on my handlebars for ease of swinging. You fucks.

The legalization brouhaha:
Apparently Obama "casually dismissed" the marijuana question during his online townhall thing the other day: Extreme irritation on all levels. On one hand, it means a never-ending drug war and escalating border violence. Take that, New Mexico! On the other hand you have the "heads" reaction that completely ignores political realities, such as entire generations of people in this country that actually believe this shit is grown by the devil. But hey, if you're a progressive there is no need to try and understand what other people might think. You dumb fucks.

Random ugly faces of people I see on the street:
Oh how much I would love to punch that stupid look right off your face. Go run into traffic. Seriously, what the hell do you think you are looking at, with those beady eyes.

Lingering coughs:
I quit smoking upon first sign of illness, throat. That means I shouldn't wake up in the middle of the night feeling like my lungs are trying to make a mad dash for Guatemala, possibly on a drug run. That's where the money is.

DLN web site commenters:
Jesus Christ on a crucifix, best not get too deep into this one. Let's just say the comments section of your local newspaper's web site is not the best place to cast a passionate defense of your recently-arrested loved one. And trying to moderate the resulting discussions, by freepers, is like trying to herd some sort of genetically engineered super-cats that can teleport and shit.

Old people:
Just die already, no one wants you here. A bit harsh? Well, lets limit that to old people who drive terribly. Or how about the just the old woman who I am forced to make conversation with all day. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP you old bag, if you bitch about how tough you have it one more time I'm going to start getting into some serious violence with a claw hammer.

Well that's a bit disturbing, but at least I feel slightly better now. TGIF etc.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

This is just absurd

Maybe more posts later, been sick this week.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Game over, man

The people who have spent their lives cloistered in this Wall Street community aren't much for sharing information with the great unwashed. Because all of this shit is complicated, because most of us mortals don't know what the hell LIBOR is or how a REIT works or how to use the word "zero coupon bond" in a sentence without sounding stupid — well, then, the people who do speak this idiotic language cannot under any circumstances be bothered to explain it to us and instead spend a lot of time rolling their eyes and asking us to trust them.

That roll of the eyes is a key part of the psychology of Paulsonism. The state is now being asked not just to call off its regulators or give tax breaks or funnel a few contracts to connected companies; it is intervening directly in the economy, for the sole purpose of preserving the influence of the megafirms. In essence, Paulson used the bailout to transform the government into a giant bureaucracy of entitled assholedom, one that would socialize "toxic" risks but keep both the profits and the management of the bailed-out firms in private hands. Moreover, this whole process would be done in secret, away from the prying eyes of NASCAR dads, broke-ass liberals who read translations of French novels, subprime mortgage holders and other such financial losers.
-Scary stuff from Taibbi

Monday, March 23, 2009

Overdue: Hard Boiled

That there is part of the epic "Hospital Shoot Out" scene from Hard Boiled. I haven't seen too many Hong Kong actioners (this makes one) but Jesus Christ this movie. Not content to just make one of the most absurdly violent movies ever, John Woo puts the climactic battle in a hospital.

Too spell it out: Hospitals are where people go when they are sick or injured to get well -- here we have hundreds of people being shot to death. The irony isn't lost, or subtle. Plus the whole maternity ward aspect. Apparently cotton balls completely muffle the sound of gunshots, and the best way to save babies is by lowering them out of windows. It's not like they can fly.

But I digress. The bottom line is I watched this today with subtitles, and I'm going to watch it again tomorrow dubbed, assuming that is an option on the DVD. Hard Boiled belongs in the top 10 all-time pantheon of action flicks, right alongside Predator, Die Hard and whatever else you want to throw in there. Double Impact? No. Maybe Point Break.

The plot doesn't really matter, as it holds up. Chow Yun Fat wields what appears to be an explosive shotgun throughout. Tony Leung is badass with a conscience. Random stuntmen get repeatedly gut shot. If you are like me and crave stylized filmed gunplay, get thee to a DVD supplier immediately. John Woo went on to make some arguably good films in Hollywood, but this blows Face Off out of the water. No doves or John Travolta, always a good thing.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Trained Seals

On an unrelated note: Be sure to vote on Name of the Year.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Get out of town

Sometimes I think the posts here are like tiny little babies, born prematurely, and suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome. Or maybe they are crack babies, abandoned on the doorstep of an orphanage run by old Polish immigrants. Not really sure where this analogy is going, so let's leave it there try and just create something that actually makes some modicum of sense.

This may have limited appeal, but it would be a shame not to mention the closing of that venerable West Chester institution, 15 North. Before the borough's explosion of college bars, not to mention "hip" city-type bars like the abortion that is Landmark: Americana there was one(1) place where the kids would go to get cheap drinks, and probably VD. That place was 15 North.

It's easy to forget how hot that spot once was. There was a time when the goats went there on average 3 nights a week, for an indeterminate length of time. A year? The bar didn't have the history of the Rat, or even Rex's, but it didn't suck either. There was a time when it was the place to be seen, I guess. At this point it's not really clear why, given it was a complete hole. The clientele was shiftless, and there was a mechanical bull on Tuesdays. Did I mention the cheap drinks?

I guess there's just no place for that bar's rough and tumble, cover-band aesthetic in today's town of popped collars and hot chicks with douchebags. It's a shame. People would rather go to a "nice" "classy" establishment where there is no constant implied threat of violence, with dress codes.

In memoriam, two anecdotes that sum it up all too well:

1)St. Patrick's Day, some 5 years ago. The "I Can't See" incident of which some of you may be aware. At the time it seemed like it would be a good idea to celebrate the Irish holiday by taking vicodin and smoking trees before hitting the bar on an empty stomach. Going for my second drink, my vision suddenly diminished by a frightening degree. No periphery visible, and only by extreme determination could I focus on what was directly in front of my face. Apparently that warning on the pill bottle about alcohol isn't complete BS. Long story short, I puked on a friends girlfriend (now his wife) and my eyesight was instantly restored.

2)The Turnpike. This is something I have no direct experience with, but a friend has assured me that it is true. A hazing ritual for employees of this establishment, supposedly secret, the Turnpike is a drink that resurrects the wounded soldiers that the bartender collects during the night. It also includes all other forms of gross terribleness such as wrung out bar rags, spit, cigarette butts and who knows what else, possibly ass hair. It depends on the employee. NUKE alums, think "The Vat" except slightly more drinkable. Anyway, this was a badge of honor, an eternal brotherhood for those who drank it, and not just because of the inevitable reverse drink that follows.

Huh, both those stories involve vomit, probably a lesson in there.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Year in movies: 1994

Inspired by Sinclair, who said that 19--(censored by memory) is the best year ever in movies, we have this feature. Limited research will be required, and requests are encouraged to a point. The idea is to examine the movies from some particular time to determine something, somehow. Results may vary.

Holy hell 1994 was a good year for movies. The most obvious narrative is that of Pulp Fiction vs. Forrest Gump. Or perhaps more accurately it could be remembered as the year the 3 Ninjas finally kicked back. Ha ha, no. Every year will have its fair share of crap, a pregnant Schwarzenegger for every deranged prison warden, if you will.

Still, I could mine this list of movies released that year for hours, or perhaps minutes. Even though I haven't seen Godzilla vs. SpaceGodzilla the plot is pretty obvious. Plus this is a year with not one, but two skydiving action movies: Terminal Velocity and Drop Zone. Which was better? Drop Zone, in a question best left for another day.

According to some article I just read, 1994 was the year that the dark nihilism and drugs of the counter-culture made their way into the mainstream. Sure, why not? It was also the year that a retard played ping-pong and ran ... into America's collective heart. And ate chocolate. Just a question of generational preferences I guess.

It would be pretty easy to cherry-pick films from this year for random purposes. A compelling argument could be made comparing the relative intelligence of Dumb and Dumber versus say, Speed. Or Clerks. Or what about some sort of re-imagining of The Lion King replacing major plot points with parts from Natural Born Killers and The Shawshank Redemption. That would include Rodney Dangerfield, which is a bonus. You get the idea?

Box office top 10:
Forrest Gump
The Lion King
True Lies
The Santa Clause
The Flintstones
Dumb and Dumber
Clear and Present Danger
The Mask
Pulp Fiction

Others of note, not previously mentioned:
Fear of a Black Hat, The Hudsucker Proxy, Ed Wood, Hoop Dreams, Quiz Show, Stargate, The Crow, The Professional

Monday, March 16, 2009

Today, we are all Bison

So I marched in the St. Patrick's Day parade in Baltimore on Sunday for some reason. Well the main reason was a keg of Guinness on a bus. I enjoyed yelling "Where the fuck is Wallace? Where Wallace at String?" at small children along the parade route.

Also apparently the Wire is fiction, because there are nice areas of Baltimore. I didn't even see anyone who looked looked like Bubbles. Disappointing really. What wasn't disappointing was a bar district called Fell's Point, where we went after the parade.

It's Monday morning now, and I've reached that half-drunk, half-hungover state where everything is somehow stupid, annoying and hilarious all at the same time. But I didn't call in sick, because of dedication and experience. This is not the first time I've been drunk at work. Wearing sunglasses in a cubicle is not suspicious.

Is it inappropriate to laugh at something called "Crime Spree-Asians" on the AP wire? Probably, considering its crime against Asians. Although I don't know whether it would be OK if it were crime committed by Asians. Clearly I'm babbling. In conclusion, uh, this video.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Zombie twitch dance

Right back atcha there buddy

Click to embiggen.

Society's blood

Picture via here

Here's a few things for your perusal. Sorry for less this week, but constant harassment by Rita's PR flacks has cut my productivity. Why yes, our readers would like to participate in mystery water ice FREE-ver promotion! It's like a disease, but better!

Should I have put something up about Watchmen? Nah, except to say read the book first and its enjoyable. There was way too much written out there already. Oversaturation, if you will. Still, the people complaining about this, that and the other were a bit obnoxious. Good thing the voice of reason comes from ... Patton Oswalt's MySpace page?

This is some crazy shit about some sort of dirty bomb inauguration plot. Too bad its from a source(wikileaks) only slightly more credible than Alex Jones, 9/11-truthers and the like. Although the passive aggressive nature of the section titled "Why hasn't the story been picked up by the national press?" pleases me. Uh, guys? Your paranoia is showing. WAKE UP SHEEPLE.

Via Vishnu's facebook feed (where else?), we have this thing about something called WeedMaps, a google maps derivative that aims to be a Yelp for the chronic. Ah decriminalization, I'm twittering in anticipation, and not electronically. The new drug czar is Michael Douglas from Traffic!

Speaking of twitter. So queer, I don't care if Shaq does it. No one cares what you ate for breakfast. Shit I have enough trouble keeping this thing relatively current without that level of over-sharing. I enjoyed this vicious takedown that contains more than 140 characters.

That's it. Not sure what future there is here. Reading things like this makes me feel terribly inadaquate in bloggerocity (Warning: Contains Soccer). I blame lack of focus. Wow, a blue car!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Here's something

Not only is this the best possible use of iPhone technology, it is also the most productive municipal meeting on record.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Deuce Deuce

Before taking in much-anticipated Watchmen, the goats made their way down to Philadelphia for some Beer Week related revelry. Notably a bunch of drinks from some Colorado brewer at For Pete's Sake Pub, a small neighborhood bar that for some reason was determined by a local weekly to be one of the top ten bars in Philly. It's no Oscars, but still, $7 Chimay.

No other major details, because it didn't occur to me to scrawl in my notebook until I realized I was too drunk to read David Foster Wallace on the bus ride back home. Consulting it now there really isn't much legible, let alone coherent. Random sketches of billboards and retail signs. Something about an old man with a huge white beard, although he may have been younger, because the beard obscured his age. He had difficulty walking, which indicates advanced age or hard-living, or both. The bus driver was able to somehow lower the bus to allow his exit, while someone said "Jesus Loves You." Probably a black woman.

Also I wrote this: "Kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day, good thing kitten is not allowed on the bus." Presumably that has something to do with this, along with public transit's staunch anti-pet policy. Or maybe I was thinking of murder because of some token idiot who happened to be within ire range. Or the faint smell of urine that accompanies any trip on the 104. I don't know. Maybe things will be clearer if I make a second trip to beer week, to bicycle.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Oh right, Watchmen

So it opens today. Here's part of a "negative" review.

WATCHMEN is a repulsive, mediocre, long movie filled with gory violence, graphic sex, extreme nudity, and other immorality. Audiences have never seen so much gore, blood, sex, and sadism, especially in a major action movie meant for a mainstream audience. Ultimately, WATCHMEN strongly affirms humanist, socialist, anti-American values promoting a socialist utopia where liberty, justice and goodness are destroyed for the sake of a totalitarian peace.

At least there's the inevitable Saturday morning cartoon.

Sometimes this job has rewards

And yes, I am only putting this up to push that horrifying picture of Nicholas "Birdhead" Cage down the page. More later? Perhaps.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Couldn't resist

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Cleaning out the queue: Christ on the Moon edition

Lets go back to an old standard here and take a look at DVDs that have been sent to me through the mail. Some removed due to previous looking and typing.

Ninth Configuration
Shades of Stanley Kubrick here. This film (aka Twinkle Twinkle Killer Kane) from Exorcist writer William Peter Blatty falls into both the categories of "genre-defying" and "criminally under-seen." It's set in a European style castle in the Pacific northwest, which is being used as a sort of experimental treatment center for soldiers mentally damaged during the Vietnam War. It's surreal, funny and subdued. The best moments are kinetic exchanges about the nature of good and evil and the existence of God between Colonel Kane (Stacy Keach in a definitive film role) and an astronaut who suffered a nervous breakdown seconds before being launched into space. Also: Hamlet as performed by dogs and a great bar fight scene.

Running Scared
Without a doubt I can say this is the best Paul Walker movie of all time. And he is a man whose film credits include 2 Fast 2 Furious and Meet the Deedles. In all seriousness though, Running Scared is one of those action thrillers that moves so fast you don't have time to realize how ludicrous it all is. Like Walker getting fluorescent hockey pucks shot at his face. Not for the squeamish.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Here's something a little lighter, which definitely has some laugh out loud moments. "VJ" Russell Brand is surprisingly funny as a playboy rock star. I also enjoyed the Dracula puppet rock opera.

The Onion Movie
This is basically a bunch of Onion News Network sketches strung together, with the loosest of plot strings combining them. Fortunately that plot string has the strength of a cock-punching Steven Seagal. It's irreverently hit or miss, but always cutting satire.

Iron Man
Yeah, finally got around to seeing this. Good, not great. Here's some synergy.

Beowulf: Director's Cut
This was a terribly skippy disc, so I didn't watch it too closely. Probably for the best.

The revenge of the Jews! That's anti-semitic at best, but still true in that this film is about a death squad enacting vengeance for the deaths of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics. A bit long, but nuanced look at the changing nature of warfare in the time of terrorism. Eric Bana is at his best as a killing machine with a conscience.

Futurama: Bender's Game
NERDS!!!!! Since I don't have anything else to add here, check out this outstandingly simple Simpsons site: Eye on Springfield.

This documentary is required watching for any fan of Hunter S. Thompson. Way better than "Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride."

I bet you thought Running Scared would be the most violently absurd movie on this list, didn't you? Well it doesn't have curving bullets and a "loom of fate" which makes a hit list for a secret order of assassins. It's ridiculous, but oh so entertaining. I think this scene sums it up pretty well.

I think this could be useful to judge other's taste in movies. Borderline watchable, but ruined by the predictable twist. Put it this way: If after 20 minutes you can't make a sort of accurate prediction of the left turn this film will make in its second half, you suck at movies. Still, Will Smif.

Man on Wire
You may know this one because it just won an Oscar for best documentary and then the guy balanced the statue on his chin. It's about some crazy French guy who thinks his life's calling is to walk on a tightrope between the twin towers of the World Trade Center. Plays out like a heist caper, and gains poignancy now that the towers no longer exist.

Dead Man
This is black and white western starring Johnny Depp is an interesting in concept, but failed to hold my attention.

This is one of those that causes multiple thoughts along the lines of "guh-wha" or perhaps "snuh?" It's about two engineers who accidentally invent time travel. Not flashy (It was made for $7,000) but the ideas in the film carry it. Frankly, I barely comprehended what was going on, multiple paradoxes inside boxes of paradoxes. This and Ninth Configuration are two of the biggest mindfuck movies I've seen in a while.

That's it, Repo Man's on the way.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

What could this be for?

Since the dawn of time domestication, man has yearned to get his pets high. And thanks to the ingenuity of one Nebraska man, that dream is now reality. Assuming he doesn't go to jail for animal cruelty charges, this so-called "cat bong" could revolutionize the lives of pet-loving stoners the world over. Ferret owners in particular.

It amazes me what people think of to do with animals.
Indeed, local humane society representative. INDEED.
Also, this:
Jarrett said Schomaker told deputies the cat was out of control and he wanted to calm him down.

Monday, March 02, 2009


So that video was briefly up here on Sunday morning (?) because I accidentally posted it. The Internet and Scotch can be a bad combination. At least I didn't go on some sort of facebook wall-writing spree. But at the time I thought it would make hazy sense to post that video along with this link: Hipster: The dead end of Western Civilization. Because that is a hipster band? I don't know.

What I do know is that that an article talking about how terrible hipsters are appearing in AdBusters is a bit counter intuitive. This is a publication that uses terms like "culture jamming" in complete seriousness. I remember some quote in Naomi Klein's anti-brand bestseller No Logo in which one of these so-called jammers talks about how his work is like cultural jujitsu, taking the momentum of advertising campaigns and spinning the message to something counter of what the company intended. Thus does graffiti supposedly instill social change.

The problem with that article is it uses a broad brush to paint what should be a narrow subject. Yes, kids with trust funds who ride fixed gear bikes, wear skinny jeans and glasses with no lenses are stupid. But what about those that drink PBR and shop at thrift stores and cut their own hair because of genuine financial hardship? Where does one draw the line between manufactured image and reality? And does a cultural group exist if no one self-identifies with it?

I may be raising more questions than I have the ability or desire to answer. It is difficult to determine where the line between genuine and fake lies these days. As if it ever was easy. But with marketing groups and cool-hunting consultants seeking out and co-opting the next big thing instantaneously, it's impossible to sell out when everything has already been bought. Maybe it's better to just party in the streets and not worry about what it looks like.