Thursday, December 27, 2007

disillusioned enlightenment

First, a rant. I was listening to the local Clear-Channel owned 90s rock radio station yesterday, you know, the one where there are no live DJs because its all done with computers (robojock?). Ah yes, computers, putting hardworking disc jockeys out of work since the days of Stampy the Elephant. Don't praise the machine.

Anyway, the prerecorded and/or computerized to be sexy female voice comes on and says something along the lines of "Radio 104.5 -- music for the disillusioned, and the enlightened."

This got me thinking -- am I disillusioned or enlightened? Are the two mutually exclusive? I don't think so. After all, I'm certainly disillusioned with a lot of things, and I also use phrases like "mutually exclusive" which I think shows some degree of enlightenment. Shit, I even enjoyed "The Station Agent" for reasons beyond "ha ha look at the drunk dwarf."

But in the course of writing this, I realized I was trying to gain some measure of insight and meaning from a bullshit radio spot. Coming from one of the most soul-sucking neocon corporations out there, no less. Fuck you Clear Channel! Fuck you with Barbaro's dick!

Yep, definitely disillusioned.

I'm going out of town on balloons this weekend, so no phriday philler this week. But here are few links to tide you over.

The Simpsons wikiquote page. It's missing some of my favorites, but the page does list every freaking episode, so there's bound to be some goodness. Sugary goodness for example. Mmmm ... creamy middles.

The Top 25 Censored News Stories of 2007. That's some fucked up shit right there. Even if only half of it is true. Gold mining threatens Andean Glaciers? Nooooooo!

That's it, enjoy the postcards.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

11 Days

Less than 2 weeks til the best show on TV comes back. As Clay Davis would say -- "Sheeeeeit."

And because I'm feeling all listy this week, here's a some things that could/should happen in the final season:

Bubbles finally gets off the needle

Clay Davis and the developers get taken down for corruption

McNulty dies in a drunken-driving accident

Brother Mouzone comes back for some reason

Method Man aka "Cheese" learns Randy Wagstaff is his son, forcing him to leave the Wu Tang Clan and start a family with Randy's burn victim foster mother

Under the tutelage of Bunny Colvin, Namond Brice gets into college

Avon gets out of prison and starts his own bakery

Prop Joe goes on "The Biggest Loser"

Carcetti becomes a racist

Snoop and Chris get bizayyyy

Freamon ponders a problem, then figures it out

Rawls meets Omar, they run off together

Two words: Race Riots

Bunk lights his clothes on fire ... again

That's all I got, feel free to add your own in the comments (you know, if you watch the show)

Monday, December 24, 2007

My Xmas List

Being as I'm stuck at work today, I thought I'd put together some sort of fainting-goats wish list. If you want to hook me up with anything on this list -- send it to the goat, courtesy thope (I don't know what that means).

Ghostface Killa doll

XBox 360 w/ Halo 3 & Bioshock

Actual goat ( life-size plastic facsimile if my apartment complex doesn't allow farm animals)

Swiss Colony Beef Log

Sigur Ros' newest album

Phillies Season Tickets (got 'em!)

To get paid for this stupid blog

Planet Earth DVD Box Set


A boss who doesn't remind me of Michael Scott

Peace on Earth (why not?)

A parade down Broad Street

18-year-old girl

No more creeping fascism in U.S.

Consistent chronic connect nearby

Super-healing ability

Years supply of Johnny Walker Blue Label

Coffee maker

That's all I can come up with right now, if something occurs to me later I may add to this list.

Friday, December 21, 2007

What the Christ?

Earlier this week I voted for Stephen Colbert as AP celebrity of the year. Small perk to being the only one in my office technically savvy enough to figure out the online ballot. And he won. Kudos to me for voting in a contest none of my editors knew existed (Plus our paper only gets one vote). They probably would have voted for Miley Cyrus or something.

Apparently there is some sort of mortgage crisis. Fuck you, uh, banks! As long as I have beer, I could care less about the problems of the world. What? Noooooooo!

In sexy news around philly this week, CBS3 anchorslut Alycia Lane punched a cop in New York City, after uttering the immortal words "I don't give a fuck who you are, I'm a fucking TV reporter, you fucking dyke." Fantastic. As usual, Philadelphia Will Do is all over it. Also, here's a somewhat humorous and horribly slow loading breakdown of Lane v. last weeks scandalous hottie in Philadelphia news, Jocelyn Kirsch.

How to get smoke weed and stay out of jail. I already knew all of this.

An artist made flags of countries all profound and shit.

Someone made a Brasilian name generator. Mine is "Tson." I enjoyed putting in random conservative politicians' names. Ha ha, Reagaldo.

On Christmas Day be sure to remember the true story of Santa. Or Superman. Or something.

That's all I got, cause WE"RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The last word on steroids


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Settle this once and forever

I have finally caught up and seen the entire series of the Wire. Here I may occasionally offer my take on some of the notable plot lines in advance of the new season premiering January 6. It's an expansive show with complex characters, but I'll do my best.

As with any show, the interactions between characters on 'The Wire' make it what it is. Conflict and resolution, I think they call it in high school english class. Be it Avon Barksdale and Stringer Bell, McNulty and Bunk, Bubbles and Greggs, Sobotka and Valchek, Prop Joe and Marlo, the list goes on and on. My point is the truths revealed by the way characters play off each other is a big reason the show is so good.

One of the best examples is the relationship between arguably two of the most stone cold gangsters on the show, Omar Little and Brother Mouzone.

Omar, quite frankly, is unlike any other character in the history of television. Robs drug dealers for a living, yet never turns his gun on a citizen. A thorn in the side of Baltimore kingpins from Barksdale to Marlo, kind of like a modern day Robin Hood. Also, he fucks dudes.

Brother Mouzzone is muscle enlisted from New York by Avon to hold onto the towers while Avon is in prison. He's basically a Louis Farrakhan rip off, if Farrakhan killed niggas. He's got the trademark suit and bowtie, rimmed glasses, is well-spoken and has penchant for highbrow literature and public commentary. Much comedy comes from Mouzone harassing his assistant for forgetting to buy his Harper's magazine.

In season 2, String allows East siders to take over a couple towers, so Prop Joe would provide him with that good package. Unfortunately, Avon (who is in prison) doesn't want to give up any territory, so he calls in Brother Mouzone. Stringer then enlists Omar to take out Brother Mouzone, because no one else is badass enough to take him out, and String needs Prop Joe to keep hooking him up with the good dope.

Omar is beholden to no man, so String tells him that Mouzone was the guy who tortured his lover in season one. Omar gets the drop on Brother Mouzone, with the help of his skank friends.

The brother returns to New York, only to return in season 3 -- in the clip embedded above. He gets Avon to sell out Stringer, and then he and Omar team up to form the deadliest hit duo pretty much ever. Stringer's got to get got.

As the brother says to Avon Barksdale, "The inner workings of your organization are of no concern to me." Stringer's fall cannot be called tragic, it was all part of the game.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Sanctimonious crap

You've all seen the videos where some jerk takes a picture of themself everyday for some length of time. Those people are losers. Not like me, I have a blog.

Friday, December 14, 2007

It's a sign

I love the end of the year, because with it comes a bajillion "best of" lists. Music, movies, pictures, tacos -- you name it, I want a list of the best of it. In that vein we have the Onion AV Club's best albums from 2007. I like how they provide music samples. It's no Maxim list, but then again, what is?


Mitt Romney made waves with his speech about how freedom is only for Christians and a bunch of other constitution-violating bullshit. Christ. I am getting sick of all this god talk.

I like dogs, except when they eat all the pies.

Saw a preview for There will be Blood, the other day. Pretty sure that Paul Thomas Anderson plus Daniel Day-Lewis equals pure fucking awesome. Check out a deleted scene.

I enjoyed this Always Sunny montage, despite the Vengabus.

And finally -- in meta news we have this collection of the most popular pics on 4chan, and the goon tower.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

uh... Merry Christmas?

So long, Aaron Rowand

Sometimes an athlete comes into a town and there is an instant connection. In Philly it seems to happen with gritty, scrappy players who lay it all on the line. David Eckstein would be huge here. Also it helps if they aren't a quarterback.

Rowand gained instant cred in Philly a couple years ago when he ran down a fly ball in center, then stopped at the wall using his face (see pic top, video sadly unavailable). Bobby Abreu nearly fainted at the unusually large amounts of blood. He was also amazed.

Personally, I'm going to miss how Rowand's batting stance looked like he was taking a dump. But I think the Phils will miss him more in the clubhouse than on the field. Clearly the combination of Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth is something or other.

I was kind of worried about a lack of giant pick up trucks in the Phillies team lot, but then I remembered they still have Jon Lieber.

Anyway, I wish Rowand good luck on the Giants -- there are some big shoes to fill out there, and I'm not talking about Dave Roberts.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Ow, My Balls!

The headline above is taken from the most popular show 500 years from now. At least in the mind of Mike Judge. Idiocracy is Judge's cult (read: little seen) satire set in a dystopian future where the population has become immensely stupid because morons have way more kids than the smart folks. Luke Wilson is cryogenically frozen for 500 years as part of an army experiment gone wrong, and when he wakes up he is the smartest man in the world.

The film is a bit uneven. There are funny parts and parts that ring true, sure (Welcome to Costco. I love you.) But there is also Dax Shepard as the most annoying character outside of a Dane Cook movie.

Those who have seen it know about how once the government learns that Wilson is the smartest man alive, they ask him to figure out why all their crops are dying. He thinks it may have something to do with the fact that they water their crops with Brawndo (The Thirst Mutilator) and not water. It's got what plants crave!

Well, in a sad, sad turn of events -- it's never pretty when life imitates art -- Brawndo is becoming a real drink. Christ. Nevermind that the commercial blatantly rips off Powerthirst and yet isn't as funny.

The movie was fucking satire people. It was mocking our super-consumer ways. When a satirical drink in a film about how far humanity has fallen due to outright stupidity becomes an actual product you can buy, well, I weep for humanity. I pray that this is an elaborate joke.

Moving on. This post started as a reason to put up a kind of old video. Then I got carried away with my Idiocracy talk. Ha ha, Beef Supreme.

So, anyway, there's this newfangled cup called the nutty buddy, which was inexplicably been featured in a story by the Associated Press. Truly we are entering a new age of ball protection.

I think I saw this video on Deadspin or somewhere like a year ago, but the goats unofficial motto at this point is "better late than never."
Also, it's worth taking a look at the web site.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Best. Cave. Ever.

No not the cave of swallows. The so-called "pot cave."

You may remember a couple years back, this dude in Tennessee got busted for growing a shitload of pot in natural cave under his house. Basically, the guy grew something like 100 pounds of pot every couple months via his elaborate underground operation. Slideshow here, graphic here.

The guy is in prison now. And his pot cave has been sold, to what some might consider an unusual buyer -- here's the AP story:

A home built above a large cave that once housed a sophisticated underground marijuana operation may have a delicious — and legal — future.

Authorities seized the home in 2005 after finding more than 850 marijuana plants growing under lights in two secured, 100-yard-long underground rooms connected to the home.

"Everything was just perfect. Look at the craftsmanship," auctioneer Pete Scruggs said of the marijuana operation in the natural cave about 45 miles northeast of Nashville.

Roth Kase USA Ltd., a Wisconsin-based maker of European-style cheeses, won a court-ordered auction of the property Saturday with a bid of $285,000. The company's auction representative, Chuck Olson, hinted about the future of the cave after he was named the winner.

He said the plan is to "make money," and the cave's new operation will be legal "in a tasty way." Caves, with their consistent cool temperatures and humidity, have long been used to age cheeses.

Hilarious and informative. So this cave was used to grow copious amounts of ganja, and now its gonna hold cheese. European-style cheese at that.

Also, this story is retarded. I'd like to point out that the plan is to "make money." Also the guy who comments on the craftsmanship of the pot cave. Nothin' but the best!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Whales, bitch!

So greenpeace had an online poll to name a whale. They offered all kinds of lame names like Libertad, Aiko, Shanti, etc. And they also included the name "Mister Splashy Pants" as a joke. And once again the internets prove their genius, as Mister Splashy Pants dominated the competition, gathering up some 78% of the 150,000 votes cast, despite hippy dweebs trying to alter Mister Splashy Pants' fate.

I guess the reason for this whole thing is to save the whales? What is this 1980? What the fuck have the whales ever done for me? Majestic dancers of the sea my ass. Greenpeace just wants to save the whales because they don't care about you and your family.

Did you know whales are the number one sea-going supporters of illegal immigrants? It's true. In fact, many a Mexican and Central American illegal ride Humpback whales to our shores, bypassing the stringent checkpoints along our secured borders. Fact. And then when the whales get here, they die, polluting our beaches. Ain't gonna be no beach blanket bingo with a big ol' whale carcass ruining the mood, thats for sure. Thankfully our brave first responders are doing the Lords work, blowing up whales.

Anyway -- back in reality -- Mister Splashy Pants is threatened by the Japanese and their hatred of all things large and oceanic. But you can make a difference by signing this petition urging the Japanese Fisheries Agency not to kill Mister Splashy Pants. Only you can save Mister Splashy Pants.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Old School

I got a couple things to round out the week. Taking a break from my constant vigil to determine the lowest gas prices within a 40-mile radius. I love data entry.

All the news around here right now is the Rittenhouse Grifters, the so-called "Bonnie and Clyde" of identity theft. The story has serious legs -- has been running it on their homepage all week. None of which has to do with the the fact that "Bonnie" is a hot 22-year old with fake tits.

In humorous Wisconsin news, we have this tale of a man looking for love.

For those of you looking for a cheap alternative to holiday shopping, consider shoplifting.

Dog-fighting? Fuck that. The Chinese do it right -- horse fighting.

Fuck terrorists, we have to watch out for emo kids with firearms
. By Samuel L. Jackson.

If you are craving more stuff on The Wire, here's a blog solely dedicated to the show, Heaven and Here. Also, Thats on Point is discussing some of the smaller characters. In case you weren't aware, Cutty is the Man.

Finally -- a video about marijuana.

Oh yeah, and I saw No Country for Old Men yesterday. It was fucking amazing. Totally lived up to the hype. Most satisfying film I've seen in the theater in quite some time. Call it.

Thursday, December 06, 2007


Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Where the fuck is Wallace?

I have finally caught up and seen the entire series of the Wire. Here I may occasionally offer my take on some of the notable plot lines in advance of the new season premiering January 6. It's an expansive show with complex characters, but I'll do my best.

The above scene is one of the best from season one. Its D'Angelo Barksdale, confronting Stringer Bell after D got popped driving back from NYC with a trunk full of heroin.

Lets back it up. In season 1, D ran the low-rises, which were basically the low rung amongst Barksdale drug territory. He was demoted from running a tower because he let his emotions get away and capped someone in front of citizens. D'Angelo employs a bunch of young kids, aka hoppers, to sling the stash.

One of these kids is Wallace.

Without getting into too much detail, Wallace IDs a guy who had been involved in stealing the stash. The guy gets tortured to death and dumped in public so everyone can see what happens to those who steal from a Barksdale crew.

This seriously fucks with the young man's head, and he approaches D about getting out of the game, maybe going back to school. Meanwhile, our favorite Baltimore cops approach Wallace and flip him.

You know what happens to people who snitch.

It's a dark show. Sympathetic characters like D'Angelo and Wallace tend to end up victims of predatory motherfuckers. I had hopes that both of them could be redeemed at some point.

Wallace and D'Angelo share a bond -- D sees some of himself in Wallace, both have an awareness of how vicious the game is. Both wrestle with the uglier parts of street life, and wonder why it has to be that way. This is in contrast to soldiers like Bodie or Wee-Bey, who accept their lot and play their role.

Contemplative isn't a trait favored on the street.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Please tell me West is no longer in the show

So the chapter 2 finale of Heroes aired last night, and outside of Hiro the time-traveling Nip shouting "Flying Man!" I was kinda disappointed. Hiro is by far my favorite character, although the crazy-electra girl played by Kristen Bell is pretty good too.

To sum up: Virus stopped! Kenzei buried alive! Nathan shot! Nikki presumably dead! HRG back with the company! Magical ashes! Sylar back!

I guess they rewrote the ending or something cause of the the writers' strike, but I've heard that this chapter was only supposed to be 11 episodes anyway, so whatever. Looking forward to the next chapter to see if Nathan is really dead. He has magic Adam-blood! Also, please let Mohinder die. Christ what a douche.

And if you don't watch Heroes, well, none of that made any sense. So here's a completely unrelated music video. It's "To Fix a Gash in Your Head" by the Brooklyn-based band A Place to Bury Strangers.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Best films: #138 Tombstone

I have always been a fan of westerns. From Unforgiven to Blazing Saddles, films about the frontier just seem to capture my imagination. Not sure if its the wide open spaces, the lack of laws or what. And this fascination of course includes the most ridiculously entertaining western of all time, Tombstone.

Sure, it plays fast and loose with the facts. Did Wyatt Earp did walk out into the middle of a crossfire, repelling bullets by fiercely bellowing "Noooooo!"? Was there really a person named Johnny Ringo who wanted to take peoples blood AND SOULS? Did Doc Holliday really say ridiculous shit like "You're a daisy if you do"? Doubtful.

But whatever Tombstone lacks in historical accuracy, it makes up for in awesome. Is Ike Clanton based on a real person? No. Do I care? Certainly not. Charlton Heston plays a bit part, and his characters name is Henry motherfucking Hooker.

Kurt Russell is at his squintingest as Wyatt "Kansas Law Dog" Earp driving his wife to copious opium consumption while getting busy with Dana Delaney. Bill "Don't call me Pullman" Paxton and Sam "I play nothing but cowboys" Elliot are Earp's (derps?) two brothers.

Pretty much every character is played by a "that guy". For example, McMasters is the evil dad from Mallrats. The head cowboy was in a bunch of shit, recently Deadwood. Shit, it even has Billy Zane as the flamboyant actor dude. He's cool.

Yeah. Here's the scene where Kurt Russell makes fat Billy Bob Thornton his bitch.

Tagline: Every town has a story. Tombstone has a legend.

Plot Spoilers:The bad guys are all drunk, and then they shoot a bunch of dudes, including Wyatt's brothers, so Wyatt goes all ape shit and starts killing them all with the help of some sort of posse. After the main bad guy dies, crazy ass Johnny Ringo takes over the gang and wants a duel with Wyatt, which Ringo knows he'll win because Wyatt sucks at gunfighting(?). But Doc Holliday takes a badge and kills Ringo before Wyatt can get there. Later Doc dies of TB.

Best Character: Doc Holliday. As if there is any question. You know your badass when your tuberculosis somehow makes you more ruthless. This is clearly Val Kilmer's best work outside of Top Secret. Non-sherpa that is. Plus he and Johnny talk shit to each other in Latin.

Memorable Quotes

Johnny Ringo: Don't any of ya have the guts to play for blood?
Doc Holliday: I'm your huckleberry.

Ike Clanton: What is that now? Twelve hands in a row? Holliday, son of a bitch, nobody's that lucky.
Doc Holliday: Why Ike, whatever do you mean? Maybe poker's just not your game Ike. I know! Let's have a spelling contest!

Wyatt Earp: From now on I see a red sash, I kill the man wearing it. So run you cur. And tell the other curs the law is coming. You tell 'em I'm coming! And Hell's coming with me you hear! Hell's coming with me!

Doc Holliday: Nonsense, I have not yet begun to defile myself.

Wyatt Earp: What makes a man like Ringo, Doc? What makes him do the things he does?
Doc Holliday: A man like Ringo has got a great big hole, right in the middle of him. He can never kill enough, or steal enough, or inflict enough pain to ever fill it.
Wyatt Earp: What does he want?
Doc Holliday: Revenge.
Wyatt Earp: For what?
Doc Holliday: Bein' born.

Doc Holliday: [to Johnny Ringo, after shooting him in a duel] You're no daisy! You're no daisy at all. Poor soul, you were just too high strung.

Another reason to see it:
Uhh... the fight at the OK Corral?


Start your Monday off right. With a big fucking dose of crazy.

He's got my vote.