Wednesday, January 31, 2007


I blame Meatwad.

Chances are if your reading this you know what Aqua Teen Hunger Force is, but in case you don't here's the wiki that explains the Mooninites

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES ... #3-5

After much consideration, deep thought and whiskey, lets continue the countdown.

5. Asshole. Really this is just the token card game, with all apologies to Kings. Playable by any number of people. The object of the game is too get rid on all your cards. Play starts with the 3 of clubs then continues where each person has to play a card of equal or greater numerical value. You can also play doubles (ie 2 sevens) or triples, after which only doubles or triples of higher value can be played. If a card is played on another card of the same value, the next player is skipped and must drink. If you can't make a play, drink. 2s clear the pile. 4s can be played on anything and are a social. If all you have left are 2s you can give them away by holding them up in the air for some quick thinker to snatch away. And one optional variation is if a player has the completion of a set of 4, they can throw it down out of turn, also clearing the pile.
The first person to get rid of all their cards in the first round becomes president. Second=vice president. The hierarchy continues down to the last person, the asshole, who must deal the cards and clear them during the game. During the game the president rules and can make anyone drink or whatever. But while dealing the asshole can order out drinks. Positions change after each round, and moving around the table in accordance with rank is suggested. A three-term president gets to make a rule.
OK I think thats it. I never realized how complicated this game actually was. Also, a google image search of "asshole" is illadvised.

4. The Triathlon. This game is not for the meek. In fact it is 3 games in 1. Two teams of 2 square off in an epic battle of caps, beer pong and finally cups.(Note: I realize cups has not yet been mentioned in this countdown, but its a simple game really -- drink then flip cup. Also, this is the version of beer pong played with paddles, if you don't know what I'm talking about see earlier in the countdown.)

Basically you play all three of these games to 15, starting with caps, then beer pong and finally cups. Each team should have a 30 pack to start, chances are it will be gone by the end. COnsequences of playing this are unpredictable, but whoever wins has bragging rights for quite a while. For example I remember CW and Denevi making a run of beating several consecutive challengers. In my defense, I was playing with Charlie. But Cullen and I eventually took them down, leaving Denevi to barefootedly scream gibberish about "stupid cubs fans" and CW hopelessly clinging to an exposed beam in his room while imitating Snarf from Thundercats. Ahhhhh, good times.

3.Beirut aka Beer Pong.

The classic ping pong ball throwing game. Once again two teams of 2, take turns throwing the ping pong ball at each others pyramid of cups. Honestly if you have never played this before, you are an idiot. But heres a diagram to help out.

House rules are in effect, ie just make shit up as you go along, and then in later games adhere to the same rules. Although if a team makes both their shots, they get the ball back.
When playing at a big party, get a list of challengers going, winner stays on the table.
Another interesting variation is to play "full contact" where a player can run over to the other side and try to get their ball back if it caroms wildly after a miss. Although that can result in violence or locking yourself in the laundry room while some maniac bangs on the door with a chair.

Thats it for now, big finish coming later tonight. One game is obvious, but whats the other?

when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

Top 10 drinking games to be concluded Wednesday afternoon/evening, probably. Shut up Denevi. I have been deliberating feverishly over the past few days on the final order.
This is really hard!

But anyway heres a couple random things to tide you over.

First a quote that I've been thinking on during the past couple days:

"You have the emergence in human society
of this thing that's called the State
What is the State? The State is this organized bureaucracy
It is the PO-lice department. It is the Army, the Navy
It is the prison system, the courts, and what have you
This is the State -- it is a repressive organization
But the state -- and gee, well, you know,
you've got to have the police, cause...
if there were no police, look at what you'd be doing to
You'd be killing each other if there were no police!
But the reality is...
the police become necessary in human society
only at that junction in human society
where it is split between those who have and those who ain't
-Chairman Omali Yeshitela

And here's the music video for Wolfmother's "White Unicorn"
Damn dirty hippies.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

wayne rooney is dirty

I've been waiting for this to appear on Youtube so I could post it.

I mean, chip to the top far corner? That is just obscene.

RIP Barbaro, 2003-2007

Thank god that horse is glue.

Picture from mighty mjd somewhere.

Actually dead Barbaro is chock full of photo illustration goodness.

For example:
A little over a week ago The Onion once again struck gold
With Leather
Deadspin from this past summer, but so much more appropriate now.

Also, Jeremy Schapp just said that Barbaro is affirmed or something. I'm pretty sure he is familiar with the free verse of Dee Mirich.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

win the lottery

Sixers could be so fucking real if they lose. Go for the odds you stupid fucks. GREG ODEN.

Iguodala is for real, but only as a sidekick. He's like a cross between Scottie Pippen and Kobe Bryant.

I like the part where he hits his head on the backboard. Also the backside windmill.
Nate Robinson is a little bitch. I could kick his ass, metaphorically.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES

So I got a call tonight from someone who I'll call "the godfather" of this blog. And he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Well actually I could refuse, cause he lives 4 million miles away and I am soooo lazy. But nevertheless, he made some good points and here we are.

This could be a running feature, where I go in depth on every game and do some sort of countdown to number 1 with crazy stories and all, but chances are I'll lose interest in that after a couple days. So we'll split the difference. Here's the beginning of the list, with more in depth shit as we get closer to number one.

The criteria are determined but not entirely understood by me. Fuck what you think, I am the decider.

First observe the unofficial mascot. The patron saint of all binge drinking: Nude Heuch Keggy.

Now here we go.

10. The cigarette burn game. In this a game you take a cup and fasten tissue paper across the top with a rubber band. Place a penny in the center of the paper and fire up some cancer sticks. Everyone need not smoke but the more the better. One person will burn the tissue paper with their cig, and the next guy has to drink while the tissue paper is burning. Eventually the penny will fall, but do not doubt the freakish strength of tissue paper. Whoever makes the penny fall has to drink a whole beer or do 8 shots or something.

9. Keg Race.
2 teams, each with their own keg. Whoever runs dry first wins. Its inadvisable to play this with less than 15(?) people per team. For all you crazy frat boys out there, it makes for a good competition between pledge classes. Seniors always win.

8. Quarters. There are many variations on this simple game of bouncing quarter into a shot glass/mug/ice cube tray/strippers vagina but my personal favorite is speed quarters. In which you flip the quarters into 2 or more shot glasses as fast as you can, racing around the table. Anytime someone gets passed they must drink. Also, don't forget variations where someone can make a rule if they make 3 in a row, ie chandeliers.

7. Beer Pong. With all apologies to my east coast homeys this version is played with paddles. Teams of two hit the ball back and forth at the 2 cups set up on each side. Hit the cup=1 point, losers take a sip. Put it in=3 points, losers pound the rest. You can counter if the ball hits your cup, but not if it goes in (no shit). Honestly, this isn't even that good of a game (sorry CW), but it comes into play later in the countdown.

6. Caps. Ah caps. Truly a mans game. Sit in teams of two, teammates next to each other on the floor, across from the opposing team. Fling caps at the other team's cup, positioned between the two teammates. Sinking it means the other team must drink a full beer between them. No "half beers" and damn sure no "pussy caps" where each teammate only has to take a sip. A made cap can be countered by a made cap from the other team. no points are exchanged on counters but it continues in order as long as caps are made, only the threat of drinking remains as punishment of a miss. Many variations of this game exist as well. Standard rules are to 11, win by two. STEEL CONDOMS!

There truly is nothing better than a caps league, complete with running commentary on all the games from Hertel. That crazy bastard is probably dead now.

Stay tuned for the top 5, coming sometime in the next week if I feel like it.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Super Bowl build up

First let me say, I am pro Bears. Frankly I want this guy on my side.

All I know is if I don't offer some sort of SUPER BOWL preview/ analysis this blog is fucking worthless and probably against everything I stand for.

Hmmmm. I am definitely for the old Super Bowl replays on NFL Network. For ezample here is a horrible ghetto-style screenshot of the steelers defensive line in 1979.

And here is a steelers linebacker with his hand down his pants.

Thats it for now. I've got nothing funny to say, so here's a crocodile eating cinderella. I did not make it and have no idea where it came from.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

I am posting this for my own edification

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh soccer.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

thats a shame

For all those depressed eagles fans out there, enjoy this.
Its Eagles highlights from 2004(?) set to Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up"

And remember, theres always Romo

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Its a bird ... Its a plane ...


So there's kind of a big game on Saturday. Playoff game in the Superdome. I'm going to avoid making a Katrina joke, cause thats just in bad taste.

This mspaint masterpiece is from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

I do think thats how G-Dub wears his hats.

Monday, January 08, 2007

If I'm still working at this newspaper a year from now, shoot me in the head


You know why my job sucks? The Eagles won a playoff game today, and I still hate the world right now.

Not to mention this afternoon before work I caught the matinee of Children of Men, which fucking rules. Seriously. Strawberry Cough.

So, to recap:
-"my team" wins playoff game
-best movie in the theater in the last 5 years
-i just punched myself in the eye hard enough to give myself a shiner

Two resumes are getting mailed out this week. So long West Chester, its been fun.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Late Breaking: Tree Goats

There's another picture here

Bonus points awarded to anyone who can tell me what language they speak in the land of tree goats.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Halloween in Madison

This post has been a long time coming.

Two out of the three riots I've been in where in the same place on the same day of the year. When thousands of Badger students, along with students from all over the upper midwest gather in the land of cheese and beer it tends to get a little crazy.

First time:

I drove up with a bunch of NU peeps + Jenny. Not sure exactly what happened. A few memories remain:

Heuch, aka my nemesis, getting hit on by presumably gay dudes because he was rocking the sailor costume. I really wish I had that pic of him with the big black dude in a tutu.
Jenny (drunkenly) driving us back to Evanston in Joe's car (with Joe and Paulie passed out in the back). A two and a half hour drive. Good old Dodge Avenger. For american 90s era beater cars, the Avenger is only surpassed by the Ford Taurus.

My costume consisted only of glue-on fangs, a black hoodie and fake blood. Sketchy at best, especially cause I kept scaring the shit out of random people. Also, thats where the fake blood came from.

Second time:

This time I was living in Madison, so I got the full weekend experience.

The first night we got drunk sans costumes, I forget where.

I think we ended it at city bar, Melville and I, and we were walking back up State St. talking shit to anyone who would listen. Mostly each other.

Some chick in a bumblebee costume walked past, and Bob proceeded to heckle the shit out of her. I believe the gist was "YOU ARE A FAT BEE!"

So this leads to her accompanying dudes getting in Bob's face, and eventually tackling him. The one guy has him pinned to the ground. All I see is this random guys back, so I hit him repeatedly in the kidneys. That guy pissed blood the next day. We fled back to our house, fortunate to avoid arrest by the plethora of Police who were out, presumably to prevent events such as this.

The next night we all went out.


Me/Sketchy Lil' Jon, and later after I met up with Adams, some sort of ridiculous gangsta
Bob/Agent Smith from the Matrix, not from Men in Black
Warden* and Maker/ the Bow(?) brothers, aka some crazy-ass fuckers they know who may have mullets
Pietro/Drunk Italian with a mustache?
Snight/something lame I'm sure (may or may not be a real person)
later we met up with John Adams/Lil' Jon

there were probably others there, but I forget

We went to some apartment party and took control of the keg, administering keg stands at leisure. After we got thrown out of there, and Bob tossed a beer on one of the hosts as the elevator door closed, we hit up State St.

This is all a blur, but I do remember Warden slapping ass and drunken video hijinks. I wish I had that video. I think Warden was interviewing random people on State street. Impersonating some sort of video producer kicks ass.

Yeah -- so neither time was I actually in the riot, but thats just cause I was smart enough not to get tear gassed.


Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Years, bitches

This post was delayed unfortunately, I started it on New Years Eve Day, but decided it would be a better idea to be on no less than 5 drugs at the same time. Took a little while to recover. At least now I have some more resolutions that could actually come true, besides "don't ever go back to Vegas"

"You and me, we'll all go down in history, with a sad statue of liberty, and a generation that didn't agree." -SOAD

So if your not stuck in 2006 like French protesters, here's some crap for your general edification in the new year.
Four out of five Fainting Goats agree, these 5 pieces of (old-fashioned) media are worth checking out. I saw them all in 2006, so there's your poorly conceived connection with new years. Enjoy.

5. Hells Angels by Hunter S. Thompson. This strange and terrible saga from the doctor of gonzo journalism put him on the map. Worth reading, especially if you enjoy the good doctor's work.

4. Brick. Out on DVD right now, I might even let you borrow it. Here's the tagline: A teenage loner pushes his way into the underworld of a high school crime ring to investigate the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend. Its even more awesome than it sounds.

3. Layer Cake. You know that guy who is the new James Bond? Yeah this is better than anything he'll do as 007. Its also on DVD -- and Encore just about everyday. Plus it has yayo.

2. The Daily Local News. Just kidding.

1. The Wire. Ground-breaking. Genius. Shakespearean? My shitty adjectives cannot do this show justice. Somebody please fucking watch this so I can talk to you about it. Seriously.

Thats it kids. I'll be updating this BS periodically, just to keep it from becoming one of the so-called 200 million abandoned blogs. Maybe I'll even put up a review of Children of Men after I see it. And drunken belligerence.