Friday, July 25, 2008

Drunken Monkeys

Earlier this week our wise president made some comments that have gained some notoriety on the tubes. His reasoned analysis of the ongoing American financial problems went like this: "Wall Street got drunk. It got drunk and now it's got a hangover." Fucking genius. Although I would say the wacky hijinks of those controlling billions of dollars in investments and whatnot would be better compared to a coke binge, right Mr. President?

Yeah. Anyway, lets look at the latest plan to right the ship -- bailing out those loveable scamps known as "Fannie" and "Freddie." It is the only logical thing to do. When these guys are being profitable it's important those profits remain in the private sector -- but any losses due to questionable management practices should be offset by garnishing the wages of all workers under 30. What are they going to do, blog about it? Suckers.

And it's also important to make sure all the top executives stay in place while these financial monoliths are propped up with tax-payer funds. After all, the CEO and board of directors have the best interests of all U.S. citizens and homeowners at heart. They have been there and understand how to best operate the company -- working hard to earn each and every one of their 7 figures a year. They only need public assistance because of the invisible hand.

Ignore those who call this the worst kind of socialized capitalism. They are merely poor suckers who don't even have the cash to invest in a 401k. They probably lied on their mortgage forms when they bought their house -- taking advantage of these benevolent lenders with their pursuit of their precious "American Dream." All Fannie and Freddie wanted to do was make a profit by helping people live beyond their means. Truly the Lord's work.

Plus supporting multi-billion dollar companies at the expense of public good is the only way to guarantee the stability of the dollar. These institutions are "too big to fail," which is so obvious it has to be true. In no way will these bailouts somehow prolong or worsen the economic downturn.

So going back to the president's comments -- what's the best way to get over a hangover? Some say sleep. Others, greasy food. But we all know the only way to truly end a hangover is to drink more. The hair of the dog, if you will. Fortunately our federal officials seem to understand this, and are taking appropriate action. And by appropriate action I mean giving away tax dollars like a drunk at a strip club.

Trivia or profound whatever

Good stuff.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I used to vacation

And by used to I mean will be next week. I'll try and get a parting shot up before heading to the land of moose and lobster -- but after that it's doubtful you'll hear from the goats for a week or so. The more you know.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ah So

I would be remiss not to mention the Phils inspired comeback against the hated Metropolitans last night at Shea. So Taguchi got possibly his first hit of the season to drive in the tying run(s).

I don't really have much to add, because I was busy eating tacos at the time. So instead of any real "commentary" or "insight" here's a video of Jimmy Rollins and Ryan Howard remixing "Take me out the ballgame" for some reason. Mr. Met is a kid toucher.

video via deadspin

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

They are a danger to themselves and others

In honor of Heath Ledger's insane turn as the Joker, I thought I'd run down some movie characters who suffer from a touch of the crazies. But is there a method to their madness?

Jack D. Ripper
This is the general in Dr. Strangelove who orders an pre-emptive attack on the 'Russkies' which sets off the action in this cold war dark comedy from Stanley Kubrick. His obsession over the purity of his bodily fluids leads to some odd drinking habits (Mandrake, bring me a glass of grain alcohol and rainwater). Also his rants about communist plots ape the right-wing hawks today who prattle on about Marxists and the tenets of national socialism. The wall fell assholes. They lost.
Crazy quote: "I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

Colonel Kurtz
Hrmm, another one from a Kubrick film. I have never actually sat down and watched this movie all the way through -- so it would be a mistake to opine at length. But basically it's Marlon Brando mumbling about "the horror" while washing his bald head. Also he's commanding an indigenous army in Cambodia during the Vietnam War.
Crazy Quote: "I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. (this goes on for a while ...)

Walter Sobchak
Am I wrong? The not so stereotypical vet who had a few screws knocked loose in Vietnam, his hyperkinetic aggression is actually kind of funny -- if only it wasn't mixed with a bizarre misplaced self-assurance. Also, the militant jewishness? Clearly necessary. You are about to enter a world of pain.
Crazy Quote: "What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, Dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, Dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."

Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg

Yeah Gary Oldman needs to be here somewhere. And his turn as the unhinged Zorg in this underrated(?) sci-fi flick "The Fifth Element" is probably my favorite, with apologies to Leon. Without delving too much into the ludicrously awesome plot -- he plays an arms dealer and industrialist with a plastic hairpiece who is aiding the giant ball of evil aka The Great Evil. Let's see a clip if only for the accent that I can't seem to place.

Vic Vega
You may remember him better as the sadistic Mr. Blonde. The scene where he tortures the police officer to the sultry sounds of "Stuck in the Middle with You" is disturbingly memorable. He's probably the craziest character in all on Quentin Tarantino movies, which is saying something. Apologies to Gogo from Kill Bill Vol. 1.
Crazy Quote: "Listen kid, I'm not gonna bullshit you, all right? I don't give a good fuck what you know, or don't know, but I'm gonna torture you anyway, regardless. Not to get information. It's amusing, to me, to torture a cop. You can say anything you want cause I've heard it all before. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get. (takes out straight razor) You ever listen to K-Billy's "Super Sounds of the Seventies" weekend? It's my personal favorite."

Hannibal Lecter
I don't think any list of insanity in the movies would be complete without Anthony Hopkins' creepy cannibal serial killer. Even if he's arguably not even the craziest character in "Silence of the Lambs." Right Clarice?
(not so) Crazy Quote: "You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste. Good nutrition's given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you, Agent Starling? And that accent you've tried so desperately to shed: pure West Virginia. What is your father, dear? Is he a coal miner? Does he stink of the lamp? You know how quickly the boys found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to the FBI."

Jack Torrance

Finally we have Jack Nicholson slowing going crazy from cabin fever and ghosts offering him liquor. Or was that the Simpsons version? This movie is fucked up, pure and simple. I mean, if you need an explanation as to why trying to kill your wife and child with an ax is crazy, uh, don't come near me.
Crazy Quote: "Have you ever had a SINGLE MOMENT'S THOUGHT about my responsibilities? Have you ever thought, for a single solitary moment about my responsibilities to my employers?? Has it ever occurred to you that I have agreed to look after the OVERLOOK Hotel until May the FIRST. Does it MATTER TO YOU AT ALL that the OWNERS have placed their COMPLETE CONFIDENCE and TRUST in me, and that I have signed a letter of agreement, a CONTRACT, in which I have accepted that RESPONSIBILITY? Do you have the SLIGHTEST IDEA, what a MORAL AND ETHICAL PRINCIPLE IS, DO YOU? Has it ever occurred to you what would happen to my future, if I were to fail to live up to my responsibilities? Has it ever occurred to you? HAS IT??"
Gimme the bat Marge.

Well there you have it. Seems about right to end this list with Nicholson -- the first cinematic Joker -- even if he's now second best. Also, this post probably could have just been characters from Kubrick movies, just add in some Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Screw Dark Knight, I'm going to go see Space Chimps

That's right, you heard me. It's monkeys ... in space! Pretty much the greatest idea for a movie ever. At least until the premiere of Beverly Hills Chihuahua. I mean, how can something called 'Space Chimps' possibly be bad? The review I just read that called it 'not unwatchable' agrees.

OK that's a lie. Not the part about the monkey's in space, that part was true. No this whole post was founded on a lie because I already saw Dark Knight. It's only the best comic book movie ever. Is suicide-inducing a good phrase? How about drug-overdose causing? Too soon.

I'm like a dog chasing a car. I would have no idea what to do if I catch one. You're all schemers.

Friday, July 18, 2008

I get it

You fat bastards. Friday filler is back for revenge.

First, a bit of politics: Kucinich's impeachment resolution is going to the judiciary committee -- where there will be a public airing of all the disparate elements of Bush's imperial presidency, and the resolution will be killed. And then Pelosi will unhinge her jaw and swallow a baby whole. But there will be surprise mystery guests!

Fuck that shit. Obviously the big news is the Dark Knight is in theaters today. By all accounts it looks like it will live up to the hype. And this guy says it's like the Wire. As if I wasn't excited about this already, now we're comparing the Joker to Omar. I'm hyperventilating right now. He's the goddamn batman.
And sealing the deal for me to bike 20 miles in 95 degree weather tomorrow (heat stroke, huzzah!) -- the trailer for Watchmen will air before Dark Knight. Although I did already watch it about 20 times. What can I say, I have poor impulse control. FUCK YES OMG OMG OMG RORSCHACH WHARRGARBL.

Perhaps it's best if we move on. Radiohead released a video for their song House of Cards. It was made with no cameras or anything -- only "3D plotting techniques" whatever that means.

You can also watch a version with crazy screens you can manipulate. Although that does take a while to load.

Hrm, how bout some corporate evil? The great floss conspiracy? It seems CNN is against the American Dream. Good to know.

That's it, hope your bank doesn't go under this weekend.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Best to remain anonymous

I gotta do a column today for my "real" "job" so the goats will have to survive on any scraps they can find lying around the yard.

Video: Jique by Brazilian Girls

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

On a lighter note

Is this the best possible response to the unintelligible insane rantings of Internet idiots (Internidiots?) like 9/11 truthers, freepers and the like? I say yes, and also that this picture makes me laugh hysterically. I don't know why.

saw it on Fark

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Things you can't unsee

Let it be known that I am not a fan of this whole genre of movies that revel in horrific violence, seemingly for its own sake -- like Saw, Hostel et al. I just don't see the point to plumbing the absolute depths of human depravity. Honestly, I'll even question the sanity of anyone who would "enjoy" watching people get grotesquely mangled in these so-called "torture porn" movies. It's certainly not healthy.

So it was probably a mistake to watch Funny Games the other day. A film hasn't given me nightmares in 15 years probably (I believe the last was Stephen King's IT), and while I haven't woken up in a cold sweat, it certainly was disturbing to the point where 2 days after viewing I'm still beset with uncomfortable queasiness.

Basic plot is Naomi Watts and Tim Roth are husband and wife heading to an idyllic Long Island vacation home with their young son, only to have their vacation ruined by two excessively polite home invaders who torture them with a variety of sick and twisted games. It's actually a shot for shot remake (by the same director) of an Austrian film that came out in 1997.

A big contridiction with Funny Games is despite the horrific content -- it's tremendously well done. It's tough to say this is the worst movie I've ever seen, since Naomi Watts in particular turns in a very powerful performance. Also the direction is top-notch, despite its sadism. There is little to no violence on-screen -- you only hear the effects and see the reactions of the other family members while horrid acts are committed a foot out of the camera's range.

In fact I would argue that this lack of filmed violence makes the film even more fucked up, because the horror is only limited to your own imagination. Give me the canned explosions of Predator over this any day.

Finally, what really pissed me off about the film is it seems to want to torture the audience just as much as the characters. They even break the 4th wall a couple times -- the torturer regards the audience with a wink and a nod, like "are you not entertained?" No, I most certainly am not.

Now let's never speak of this again.

Monday, July 14, 2008

This is going to end well

Hilarious. Too bad the masses don't get satire.

But will there be a drunken duck?

The HBO miniseries Generation Kill debuted last night with the first of seven parts. Coming from the same David Simon/Ed Burns tag-team that brought us The Wire, I am obviously watching with great interest.

It's based the eponymous book by Evan Wright, a journalist with Rolling Stone (also: Hustler) who was embedded with the First Recon Battalion during the invasion of Iraq in 2003. It's basically a road trip story, with Marines riding in Humvees through Iraq, alternating between the humor and seriousness of life "at the point of the spear."

Wire fans will recognize a few familiar faces, notably James Ransone (aka Ziggy Sobotka) as the talkative rip-fueled up driver of Humvee 1, and McNulty's FBI agent friend as a lieutenant. Top gun fans will probably like that another of the main characters is nicknamed "Iceman." It should be noted that all the characters are based on real life, actual Marines.

The best thing about Burns/Simon productions is they are made for the people depicted therein. Dramatized I'm sure, but the most important critics are still those who know. Whereas the wire was written for cops and gangsters, here they are writing for the Marines. That's why a screening at Camp Pendleton was so important to them. And for an outsider like myself who has never even done community service, let alone killed people for my country, it offers a rare look at "how it actually is" for those in a war zone.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Karl Rove fleed the country

See you in Paraguay!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Send it down the memory hole

Undoubtedly by now you've heard about the Senate voting to approve the new FISA bill on Wednesday. The big beef many have is how it provides telecom companies like AT&T and Verizon protection from litigation for the government-ordered warrantless spying they've been doing since 9/11. Whatever. Good luck with all that.

But of course the freedom-loving terrorists on the internet and in the ACLU are upset about this latest infringement on their precious "rights." We're disallusioned with the U.S. government! Washington politicians are shredding the Constitution! Frowny face! Hey jerks, remember when habeus corpus was suspended last year? You all got your panties in a twist, and it ended up being a whole lot of fuss about nothing. I don't know anyone who has been held without trial, do you? No harm no foul.

The real casualty in the constant surveillance of everyone everywhere is the low-level NSA employee. Personally, I feel safer knowing the government is eavesdropping on your discussion with Aunt Ginnie about beets or bedspreads. But how many inane conversations are these poor fools going to have to listen to? Sure there are computers that search for keywords, but what about when frat boy #1 sets off the sensors by saying "Dude I got bombed last night. Declared jihad on my liver!" (and these conversations are probably quite common). Shit, you'll probably enjoy phone sex with your girl more now knowing some G-Man is listening in, you sick fuck.

The next president will probably want some sort of "results" from the dismantling of the fourth amendment. If there's a terror attack after all this, heads are most assuredly going to roll -- and not just Nick Berg's (too soon?). We can't be having FEMA-level incompetence when invading the private lives of law-abiding citizens -- that would be morally wrong. And the information gathered must be reliable if we're to count on an influx of dollars when these public stats are sold to interested parties. Companies aren't going to pay for bad intel.

Fortunately Barack Obama sees the big picture and voted for this bill -- despite Jesse Jackson threatening to bite his nuts off. And despite the bill's opposition by liberals already upset with Obama's radical "centering" tactics in his bid "to be elected president." As usual these elitist pinkos miss the big picture with their claims of creeping fascism. The first and second amendments are still kicking, and they're the only ones that matter to real American patriots. People who refuse to let inconvenience, common sense, and the threat of property damage stop them from doing something worth watching.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Let's crank up some random

Apparently this is a video for some russian metal band, ANJ. It's probably not safe for work, unless you work in a Russian brothel.

But what the hell? Take it from the guy that made it: "it's half Russian History allegory as told through an old zombie movie made in the Soviet Union, and half animated Soviet Propaganda posters."

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Got you good you f*cker

Thought you might enjoy the comedic stylings of presidential candidate and bonafide senile former torturee John McCain. Compiled by me, out of context, from the tubes. He's a veritable Carrot Top!

"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."
-at a fundraising dinner in 1998

On the rising number of cigarette imports to Iran:
"Maybe that's a way of killing 'em."

On why he didn't choose Gov. Jim Gibbons to chair his Nevada campaign:
"I appreciate his support. As you know, the lieutenant governor is our chairman."
Why snub the governor?
"I didn’t mean to snub him,. I've known the lieutenant governor for 15 years and we've been good friends….I didn't intend to snub him. There are other states where the governor is not the chairman."
Maybe it's the governor's approval rating and you are running from him like you are from the president?
"And I stopped beating my wife just a couple of weeks ago…"
-this is actually funny, in context

"I hate the bloggers."

"The French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
-Take that you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

On Fidel Castro:
"I hope he has the opportunity to meet Karl Marx very soon."

"Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran."
-sung to the tune of the Beach Boys "Barbara Ann"

"I had something picked out for you, too — a little IED to put on your desk."
-to Jon Stewart whilst appearing on the Daily Show

"I’m gonna thank some corrupt unscrupulous lobbyists that are destroying America as we speak, everything we stand for and believe in."
-admit it, you're laughing on the inside

"At least I don't plaster on make-up like a trollop, you cunt."
-to his wife after she said his hair was getting a bit thin on top

So there you go. Vote McCain, and we'll be laughing all the way to the internment camps.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Moonwalking Bird

Using my awesome powers of internet deduction, I have determined this to be "real"

Bike Bike Bike

I know what you're all thinking, "What's the deal with thope's carlessness? He hasn't mentioned it in a while." Well consider this your lucky day, cause I'm about to regale you with a couple anecdotes of varying interest and consistency regarding living in the suburbs with bike.

Last weekend the roommate and I decided to participate in the local Fourth of July Canoe Race. Of course, neither of us have a car, which might daunt a pair less hardcore than we. In summary: Biked the 9 or so miles to the start, locked our bikes to a handicapped parking sign. Did the canoe race, which was less "paddling" and more "running alongside the canoe while it floated through shallow water." Afterward, secured a ride back to the start of the race with a bunch of randoms. Had a beer. Biked the nine miles back home.

It was a great holiday, outdoor activities aplenty and Jesse Helms died. The roommate was glad he made the decision to stick around and do the canoe race rather than bike to Atlantic City and eat at the Borgata buffet. Seriously. He was going to bike to AC until I talked him out of it.

PSA: A bicyclists mortal enemy is a small woman driving a large SUV, and not just because they are horrible drivers who don't watch the road. Some of you may know examples -- one of whom I have had it out with a bit the other day. What it is about a cyclist that women in SUVs find so threatening? The balance of power is clearly one-sided, what the with the threat of death for the biker and all. I don't have any answers, but would like to point out that despite the inconvenience to motorists, bikes are allowed on the road BY LAW. I blame deep-seated societal insecurities and the Barbie ideal. Also date rape.

Finally, if you honk at a biker as you drive by them you should have your license revoked. Dick move, seriously.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Man or Machine?

That there is the "make your vote count" Major League Baseball Final All-Star VoteTM. You may think that the players pictured are those who are in the running for fans votes this year. Nope, it's the players who were won in years past, including Bobby Abreu in a Phillies cap, circa 2006. In no way is that confusing or retarded. Baseball: Embracing New Technologies! edit: You're a wily one, MLB.

Anyway, the real reason for this post is to encourage you to vote for Pat "The Bat" Burrell in said final vote, for obvious reasons like how he's tied for the lead among NL leftfielders in outfield assists. Seriously though, he's putting up numbers. Let's take a look at the competition:

Aaron Rowand (CF, Giants) - No.
Carlos Lee (LF, Astros) - Kind of surprising he wasn't already chosen. Then again, he's an Astro.
Cory Hart (OF, Brewers) - Ryan Braun is already an all-star, so the Brewer's outfield quota has been filled. Sorry Charles.
David Wright (3B, Mets) - Oh for the love of christ. Most likely going to win due to the huge NY fanbase. Also, gay.

All those (except for Hart) have been All-Stars before, so clearly it's now Burrell's time to shine. Also, looking at the rosters, seven Cub All-Stars is unwholesome, wrong and possibly a crime against nature. No wonder all these other deserving players will be excluded.

Thursday, July 03, 2008


In accordance with the spirit of Independence Day, remember what this random commenter said yesterday on my work web site in regards in an ongoing race/illegal alien flame war that sprouted in the comments section of a story about blacks preying on hispanic immigrants:

Even an illegal Foreign Peasant can afford a $200 .38 - They should get guns. Problem solved. Here in Texas everyone has a gun and we are all very polite to each other.

True enough. Enjoy the fireworks.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008


In between watching video of Christopher Hitchens getting waterboarded and dealing with yet another ongoing non-crisis at work, I came to a realization. It's really all about moderation for health and sanity, and not just cause I'm kinda bi-polar. This idea of moderation can be applied to anything really. Just the right amount is just the right amount, no matter how important or inane. Bear with me while I attempt to make sense.

The other day I biked over to some random party where I knew one person. Shitfaced, had to leave my bike there, got in an argument with some guy who just got out of prison about a kickball game, etc. It certainly hurt my productivity on Monday. Now you may ask, what the fuck dude? Riding a bike 20 miles to drink half a case a beer and smoke a hookah is excessive as hell. But this is exactly my point. Sure it was kind of fun at the time, but I have been hurting terribly all week because of my lack of moderation on Sunday. Chances are my experience could have even improved if I didn't feel the need to polish off wounded soldiers after the beer ran out.

Or take sports -- ie why it's preferable to be a homer in baseball rather than football. Simply put -- the number of games. The Phillies play a ridiculous 162 games each and every year, so there is going to be some wins and losses regardless of how well the team is playing. It's easier to shrug off a loss when you know there are 75 games left to be played, and you can still enjoy a win even if it is without euphoria. The NFL and its 16-game schedule is another case entirely. Philadelphia is not a fun place to be after an Eagles loss, the sense of dread is palpable. Oh no, we're 2-3, only 11 games left. And don't get me started on the moranity that is E-A-G-L-E-S chants. You know how to spell, congratulations.

Or how bout some geopolitical history. During World War II, the U.S. went to war with the fascists in Germany and Italy, everyone knows this. But what gets ignored is that we were fighting on the side of socialism, allied with Stalin and the commies. The New Deal was in full effect. Service and duty were the way. So when millions of young men went off to fight and die, and their wives went out and built munitions, the U.S. was probably further left than at any other point in it's history.

This is not something that some people who call themselves patriots would like to admit. Years of red scares and Cold Wars have equated socialism with evil and godlessness (and these people have not read the first chapter of Master and Margerita I assure you). Distributing the means of production is demonized even though it helped ensure victory in the most popular war in this country's history. Of course it should be noted that the socialism of the New Deal was muted by capitalists making a profit as they do. In fact, you could even say that the corporate interests and FDR's socialist policies moderated each other.

Of course the biggest problem with moderation is it's no fun most of the time. Some might call it being stuck in a rut. To paraphrase a great American caricature -- I want it all: The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles. You gotta have some excess to live well.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Duck tales ... oh god why?

This is the most disturbing thing I've seen this week.