Monday, November 30, 2009

A now for a brief commercial interruption

Like to golf? Incontinent? Finally a product that's right for you!

Makes a great gift!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Cutting losses

So I have this friend who is fucking crazy. Most aspects of his life would prove intolerable to an "upstanding member of society," in all its connotations. I believe that everyone commits crimes in one way or another -- be it against nature, culture, economy, their family, or what have you. So it is important consider the source when examining any outward criticism of another person or group. Many who would call my friend "a bum" or "stupidly insane" or "a colorblind sociopath" likely suffer from chronic road rage, enjoy both the Twilight movies and Radiohead's Kid A, and think sharing is unnatural.

But to dismiss someone out of hand just because of so-called "Disgusting Habits" is short-sighted, I think. Those with strangely skewed world-views are interesting. And assuming they have some degree of self-awareness, getting swept up in the frenzy of personality is never boring, and a welcome diversion from the drudgery and ennui associated with modern American life. The problem with cultivating this kind of friendship is that someday they may go off the rails in to serious self-destruction in an unexpected way.

I don't expect everyone/anyone will understand what this is about. Outwardly most people are perfectly content to live in blasé conformity. Selling out and moving up to something stable, if not sustainable, can be appealing. Grow up, go to college, buy a house, have kids, mow the lawn, play some golf or go shopping on the weekends. Which is all fine I suppose, but don't blame those that want less, or different, if they don't jibe with the status quo. You know what no one says: To each his own according to the amount of satisfaction they can derive and pains they tolerate in their daily routine.

Let's get back on track. This was supposed to be about my crazy friend, specifically in reference the events of this past weekend that may or may not have ruined his life for months, if not years to come. Due to ongoing legal ramifications, I have some hesitancy in getting into the meat of the story. In fact, the details are irrelevant here. So just imagine a situation in which a crazy trip spirals out of control and in the process crosses paths with a Napoleonic authority figure armed with a Taser, allegedly.

Massive failure. I feel some degree of culpability for not taking more preventative measures. I do pride myself in the ability to act appropriately in the weirdest of situations, even twisted. But look: You see a grown man flying on what looks like a sure collision course with the sun. What do you do beyond offering warning, advising restraint. In the end everyone's decisions are their own, be them severely hampered or not. At this point abandoning ship becomes the rational, appropriate decision. I don't want to needlessly spend the night in the drunk tank. This quote from HST resonates.

So ... a point? When one thrives on the fringe of societal norms, sometimes a line is crossed and there are bad consequences. Living on the edge is a choice, one that can lead to regret just like any other. Maybe Steven Tyler was on to something when he said "There's a meltdown in the sky" but God only knows what that means.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Check out this bird

Fucking badass chainsaw sounds, right?

I am working on a more "long-form" essay on the not insignificant events of this past weekend. So look out for that sometime before the holiday. It involves tasing.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Don't worry, it's dead

Here's some week-ending paraphernalia. Week-ending in the chronologic sense, not that they cause any sort of stoppage, weekly or otherwise. Thoughts I can't form into a full post, and a couple links. This is what happens when my brain cannot gain any purchase on anything specific, much like a frog in space. I blame the wealth of choices available to today's discerning media consumer. Shittily prolific!

There was some confusion(?) earlier this week when I commented that I had read and posted about Jesus' Son, a book about some guy who does heroin and other drugs in Iowa and other places. In fact this was untrue: The book was only mentioned offhand in some post about random things (imagine that). But yeah, I did read it on the Chinatown Bus, hipster-style! Unfortunately this did not result in any craigslist missed connection ads, which was my hope. The story about the narrator eating random hospital pills and then carrying baby bunnies in his shirt was the best. Except when he forgot about them and sat on them and they died.

"Eat shit, assholes. Sorry." That's all I've got so far in my short story/memoir, working title The Regretful Misanthropist. Because people are terrible. Well, not all people. But most. I'm going to do more research.

Frank Zappa on Crossfire is a must-see from the '80s, it's about freedom of speech. The other guy: A foreboding glimpse into the future of punditry and the Republican Party? Or just some guy obsessed with incest? Both.

These very short stories are funny.

That's about it I think. Maybe something regarding a movie ... involving a Bad Lieutenant.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Nevermind on the book suggestions

After reading this review, I decided that I am Going Rogue. By which I mean reading the book of that name by Sarah Palin.

If you are in a hurry, here is the succinct version of this review: Going Rogue is shit. It is groundbreaking in its banality and disregard for facts. If you are sentient, it will pain you to read it. Imagine watching your parents 69 one another while John Madden sits behind you and bellows out color commentary and you will have some idea of how excruciating and profoundly scarring it is to plow through each page of this wholly fictional monument to self-aggrandized mediocrity. Going Rogue is to the art of writing what the Holocaust is to the concept of a just God – the piece of disconfirming evidence so overwhelming that we are left questioning whether it can exist at all.

But seriously, fuck that book. Literally cut a hole in it and fuck it. Worst paper cuts ever.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Happy now bitch?

That is a well-edited video, capturing many of the themes that made The Wire so great. I only wish it had a couple other lines: Like "Nice Dolphin, nigga" and "That's a life that had to be snatched." Also I forgot how many obscenely hilarious lines Rawls had over the years.

Speaking of The Wire, this AV Club list with the best 30 shows of the decade is pretty spot on. Is instant nostalgia a thing? Because there will be much of it, if it exists, in the next month and a half as the decade comes to an end.

In other news -- anyone have any book suggestions? Something I can get at the library? I was thinking of going sci-fi, an easier read after the hardest 150 pages ever in Crying of Lot 49. Stephen King perhaps. But on the other hand I'm tempted to go full pretentious, get Infinite Jest and read it conspicuously in public places.

Banged Up

Something is telling me that it's a minor death trap. That is to say my 70's era Schwinn bicycle that has been converted to a single-speed. It looks cool with its fresh paint job and swapped and chopped handlebars, but there is a problem. The chain periodically comes flying off the gears. More of a problem is that this only happens while pedaling with force.

Occasionally careening through an intersection, precariously maintaining balance while avoiding cars and pedestrians is a small price to pay for looking hip. The voice in the back of my head saying things like 'catastrophic drive-train failure' and 'may result in injury and death' was ignored with a hearty PSHAW. Until yesterday when said failure caused a violent crash and injury to no less than three joints on my right side. So maybe a rethinking of strategy?

Details: I was en route to the local K-Mart for important supplies. I am not a quitter. So despite bloody road rash and an inability to properly grip the handlebars with my right hand I continued the couple miles to my destination and got those supplies, plus another wrist brace. You can never have too many wrist braces. I may have been going into an insignificant level of shock.

It's kind of surprising that not one bystander showed the slightest bit of concern during the entire escapade. The initial crash occurred on a busy street -- no one stopped. One pedestrian gave me a look of some interest as I rolled past wincing with blood running down my leg. But it easily could have been aversion, or non-plussitude, or just gawking at the freak who was disregarding his obvious physical trauma.

Not that I was looking for sympathy from anyone, least of all someone in a car. I would have shrugged off any show of worry with a self-respecting grunt, at best. Or in a bizarre fit of fight-or-flight response gone wrong I might have attacked them with my now disfigured and claw-like hand. So ignoring the injured bike guy may have been a smart move, in retrospect. Still, a little empathy would have been nice.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

There's always music in the air

Yeah yeah, this blog isn't being updated enough. I know what you are thinking -- what a lazy fucking asshole that thope is, looking at hilarious things on the internet all day and not sharing them with me and the 6 other people that look at this. Well sorry, here's a chimp forcing a frog to suck its dick. Was that not informative and horrifying! Or maybe no one is looking at this anymore? I kind of hope not, that would waste a years-long tradition of slapdash blather.

But shit man, I can't help it if a pornographic video-game addiction and strange media cravings preempt posting things on a blog. This is 2009! You know how it is, first you're like "Hey Twin Peaks isn't that weird, despite a bunch of shots of a ceiling fan for no reason," and then you get around to watching the episode with the infamous Dale Cooper dream sequence and its all like WTF dancing little people.

That said, maybe I'll get back in the groove of posting on here. But then again maybe not. Maybe I'll make a tumblr and put the goats out to pasture. Maybe I'll commission some South Asians to redesign the template so this doesn't look like something from 2002, or update the links on the side. Honestly, who links to 4chan? Zen Habits? Have I ever even visited that site? This blog sucks, show it to small children.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Roger Sterling ladies and gentlemen

If you don't watch Mad Men, this won't make much sense. Also, you didn't see a guy get kicked to death by a horse in the season finale the other night.

Anyway: "That woman got on a plane with a man who was going to end World War II, not run her father's dog food company." ZING

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Links brought to you by a hairless bear

Disturbing? At least its not centaur Alex Rodriguez

Does declaring a link-dump to be the laziest of all blog posts make it less so? Probably not. Here are a few things of possible import, from the internet mostly.

Anyone watching that Ken Burns' documentary on PBS? It boldly proclaims that the National Park was America's best idea right in the title. Here's it's web presence. The show is quite good, a worthwhile distraction from baseball last night.

This article on Ayn Rand has a bunch of choice tidbits, including this laugher: "In her 70s Rand found herself dying of lung cancer, after insisting that her followers smoke because it symbolized "man's victory over fire" and the studies showing it caused lung cancer were Communist propaganda."

Drugs! Who hasn't done them? Not our president that's for sure. From this article:
"You might just be bored, or alone. Everybody was welcome into the club of disaffection. And if the high didn't solve whatever it was that was getting you down, it would at least help you laugh at the world's ongoing folly and see you through all the hypocrisy and bullshit and cheap moralism."

This Daily Show segment is ostensibly about the just happened elections, but it gains relevancy as a take-down of cable news coverage of just about any political story. (Best part of the election for us in PA: No more Corzine-Christie N.J. Governor ads. This is not up for debate.)

A lastly -- Halloween may be over, but it's never too late for some "ghost stories with Ghostface."

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Programming Note

After several years of faithful service, my laptop finally kicked the bucket -- dead hard drive. I will be using this as an excuse for sporadic and shitty posts, that is to say more so than normal. I could "post from my work computer" like "I'm doing right now" but let's get real, I have important time-sucking activities to attend to, such as playing flash games online. And hey, this post is here, take what you can get at this point.

In related news, computers are cheap as shit these days. 300 bucks? I paid nearly twice that for the one that just broke down, off craigslist. That is actually an amusing story, one which I tell many people. Have I ever written about it on this blog? There's no way to tell barring a lengthy search, so here it is (possibly again):

Spotted an ad on craigslist, had to be 4 years ago. Eventually the guy and I decide to meet in the parking lot of a Best Buy. This was so we could link into the store's wireless network, the guy told me in a heavy Russian accent. That didn't work, but I eyed up the two laptops he brought, and left. Later I decided to buy one of them and called to work out the final terms, and he offered to stock it with maybe ill-gotten programs.

"You want Photoshop? I hook you up," he said. "Dreamweaver? No problem."

This is the part of the story that is hard to convey via text, as opposed to with spoken words. Mainly because I do a hilarious Russian accent. So imagine that with your brain. That's pretty much it, I assume that laptop came to me from some sort of eastern European mob-like organization. One with the kind of deep pockets necessary to provide "customers" with photo-manipulation and word-processing software.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mother of babbling God

Thank you, Ron Artest, for shedding light on this important and over-looked issue. Not to make light of what I assume is serious problem on the other side of the world (and graphic as well, if that video is any indication), but what the hell is going on here? I'm asking.