Deathmatch Counterpunch^2: Best Beer

Rolling Rock

Ah, that marvelous beer once brewed in Latrobe, Pennsylvania. Then big-and-bad Anheuser-Busch came along, scooped those green bottles up, and moved shop to Dirty Jersey. Jersey? Booo. Still, their pledge is inspiring:

From the glass lined tanks of Old Latrobe, we tender this premium beer for your enjoyment as a tribute to your good taste. It comes from the mountain springs to you.

I thought memorizing that tidbit and romantically reciting it to a hot piece-of-ass at the bar would be a guarantee score. Not so much. Still, the mysterious '33' is a good conversation starter.



Smithwick's

I was fortunate to be introduced to this fine Irish red ale by S-man. He received a case as a present from a co-worker and he was kind enough to share. Although we used it for beer baseball, which means I was drunk and not as appreciative to the flavor of a fine beer, Smithwick's caught my heart and I'm quick to order a pint if a bar has it on tap.



Moosehead Lager

The moose is loose! Once upon a time, I thought this tasty lager was brewed in the region by the lake in Maine with the same name. This bad boy is a Canadian beer, and now that Molson and Labatt are owned by a foreign company, Moosehead is Canada's largest brewery. Congrats on that.

Furthermore, this is a fighting beer. Use the Moose in your beer pong/baseball tournament and you will most likely have a throw down by the end of the night. Tempers flare when you start debating whether a steal was legitimate or not.

Just like a one-flip suicide squeeze, each and every Moosehead is special:



Guinness

The sweet nectar from Dublin had to make my list. A great beer to warm you up on a cold winter evening, or drop a shot of Jameson and Bailey's to make an Irish Car Bomb during a summer bachelor party. Either way, this is a staple to any beer fan's diet. Added bonus if the bartender can imprint a clover in the head.

As fine as it is, Guinness isn't the greatest binge-beer. Besides being pricey, morning-after Guinness farts and shits are the worst. Damn. Although I've been told Guinness has similar good-for-the-heart characteristics as wine. So you'd have that going for you.



Coors Barmen Pilsner

Yeah that's right, bitch. Coors. I said it. The boys in the Rockies brew this beer for only a few restaurants and bars in the Golden, CO area. I was fortunate enough to eat at one during my trip to the area back in 2002. The 7-minute pilsner went nicely with the slab of meat I had for dinner. Well worth the wait. If you're in the vicinity, order one. Then again, if you find yourself in the town of Golden, I could suggest a few other "activities" to experience as well, but that's off subject.

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Beers

While I'm probably no where near thope on the alcoholic scale, I do have a tendency to enjoy good beer. The only thing better than good beer is good herb. Word.

Grimbergen Dubbel
This is an abbey (yes, it was originally brewed by monks starting in the 12th century or something - beer brewed with the power of the holy spirit!) beer that I had the privilege of consuming while in Brussels, Belgium. I remember it was dark and delicious...just like thope enjoys his women! I keed, I keed! haha. Belgium has some great beer, unfortunately I can't remember any others. I definitely told myself this was my favorite, which is why I remember its name.


Newcastle Brown Ale
You can find this pretty much anywhere, so the whole imported thing is kinda dumb. It is probably my favorite beer that is commonly found in bars and liquor stores. If the bar has it on tap, I stick with it. That is unless they have some delicious microbrews or something.


Bell's Best Brown Ale
I love Bell's, which is a brewery in Galesburg, Michigan. I might even go so far as to say it's the best brewery in the Midwest. I was torn between the four brands of theirs that I have tried, but I love the brown ales. Also delicious are the following: Two Hearted Ale, Amber Ale, and Consecrator Doppelbock. The best brown ale is a seasonal, so I've only had it a couple times. If you ever get a chance, give Bell's a try.


Barley John's Wild Brunette
Ok, this is kinda random, but Barley John's is a great brew pub probably six miles from my house. I've been there a few times and their beer is amazing. Their monday happy hour goes nonstop all afternoon until midnight, which can be troublesome. The Wild Brunette is made from wild rice, and is my personal favorite. Not only is the beer here delicious, but the alcohol percentages range from 5-15%. They also have a wimpy 3.5, but I've never tried it. That's for children. Notice the irony in that statement...I'm so clever! I think I'm going to touch myself in congratulation!

Summit Winter Ale
A seasonal ale from Summit brewery in St. Paul, Minnesota. They have other great types, too. Their beers are actually kind of expensive considering it's a local brewery, but what are you going to do?

Deathmatch listoff: Best Beers

This is a pretty obvious list to do (and easy to put together). I'm surprised nobody thought of it earlier. Alcoholic that I am, it's pretty certain that my picks will be the best.

Schaefer Beer
Now this is kind of obscure, but cases of it are available at the Beer Mill (my local beer store, which is like 3 blocks from my apartment). Plus, it's the one beer to have when your having more than one.
Best. Jingle. Ever. And I always have more than one. Just ask this 70s-tastic commercial featuring the one and only Moog synthesizer.


Leinenkugels
Or as it is affectionately known, Leinie's. A Wisconsin brewed beer, the less obvious choice than Miller. In fact, this beer is pretty much the only positive thing I remember about the 7 months I lived in Wisconsin. Of course, the excessive amount of Leinie's I drank while there may have had an effect on both the number of positive experiences and my memory of them. I'm not sure how many different types of Leinenkugels there are, but this one is probably my favorite. Yes, it's just because of the name.


Yuengling
Those of you who have never lived in the Delaware Valley probably have never heard of this, but you are missing out. So cheap and good, the pride of Pottsville, Pa. In fact you can walk into any bar in the Philadelphia area and simply order "a lager" and every bartender will know what you are talking about. For the uninitiated (I'm looking in Mr. "Can i have swiss cheese on a cheesesteak" TMoney's direction) it's pronounced yingling. Which makes for hilarious commercials involving asians.


Bass Ale
Yeah I couldn't really think of anything else. I was tempted to go with something completely off the wall, like scotch, but that would destroy the integrity of the deathmatch listoff, whatever that means. So I went with another ale (my favorite kind of beer). Also I always seem get Bass when its on tap at the bar, so there you go. Fucking Limeys.



Victory HopDevil
BOOM. Straight outta Downingtown. It's a victory for your taste!

Deathmatch counterpunch: Bands of my youth

I am trying to remember bands I listened to in the 80s and all I can come up with is Weird Al Yankovic. I mean dare to be stupid was pretty epic, but I'm going to have to leave him off this list. What can I say, I was too busy building dams in the stream behind my house in the 80s to develop an unhealthy obsession with Whitesnake.
Also, I'm pretty sure these selections will prove without a shadow of a doubt that dr.gpeice rocks harder than I do. OR DOES HE?

Presidents of the United States of America
I think the fact that I loved this band as a 14-year-old, before I knew the joys of herbal refreshment, shows I was ahead of my time. Apparently they came upon the name "The Presidents of the United States of America" while playing music high on marijuana. Of the names made up on the spot that night, "The Presidents" got the biggest rise out of the eleven stoners who happened to be listening. Hilarious, just like their music. Lump? Kitty? I also would like to move to the country and eat a lot of peaches.


Pearl Jam
I still only like their first two albums. Yellow Ledbetter is a pretty good song, but just give me "Ten" and "Vs" and I'll be happy. You can take Yield/No Code and shove them up your ass. Fuck you Eddie Vedder, your drunken on-stage slurring won't save you now. Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, Vitology blows -- JOSH!


Stone Temple Pilots
"Core" was the first CD I ever bought. I carried it with me always until it was stolen by a crackhead in San Francisco (Shake harder boy!). On an unrelated note, I'm half the man I used to be.


Local H
Oh yeah, here's the good stuff you high-fiving motherfuckers. Frankly, the song Eddie Vedder off their sophomore effort "As Good as Dead" is better than anything the real Eddie Vedder has done in the past 10 years. Plus the CD looked like a giant quarter. I was always impressed that there were only two people in this band. I remember waiting for their next disc "Pack up the cats" but it never came out cause Universal sucks. And if I am ever back in Chicago for Halloween I am totally going to see their performance at the Double Door. Maybe they will cover Weird Al? It's no Britney Spears but still.
Well that was disturbing.

Social Distortion
Ok this was more in teh high school years, but whatever. I was really into the album that came out in '96 -- "White light, White heat, White trash" and in fact I still play it to this day (Crackhead missed that one). Anyway, "White(3x)" got some heavy rotation and I was like, hmmmm, I wonder if Mike Ness et al have any other CDs? And they did! But I still just mostly listened to that one album.


Damn I really did like grunge back in the day. And no this is not turning into a music blog. I'll be back Friday afternoon with some filler.

Deathmatch Listoff: Favorite bands/musicians from my youth

Reading up on these bands and watching music videos on youtube has helped me to realize how hilarious the 80's were. Hair metal needs to make a comeback...actually, no, it should stay dead.

Alice in Chains
My favorite band of all time. They were so much more than the "grunge" label they were given. I still don't know what I like more; their earlier, darker material or their softer, acoustic side. They made music to suit any mood. I still remember my mom flipping out about the lyrics to the song "junkhead". What's my drug of choice/Well what have you got... R.I.P. Layne Staley.



Sepultura
I started listening around the time of Chaos A.D., which I consider one of the best metal albums of the 90's, but I also got into their older death metal stuff too. I lost interest when Max Cavalera left the band to form Soulfly. Just like Audioslave was nothing compared to Rage and Soundgarden, Soulfly and new Sepultura pale in comparison to old Sepultura.



Biohazard
I was quite impressed that their lead singer Evan Seinfeld is married to Tera Patrick. He played the character Jaz Hoyt in Oz and apparently had a nude scene that Tera saw...she didn't know who he was but found out and they started dating. Now he stars in "movies" with her. He goes by Spyder Jonez in these Oscar-worthy performances. Not really the type of girl to take home to mom, but I'm still jealous. What does this have to do with the band? Absolutely nothing.



Skid Row
Probably my favorite band for a few years in elementary school. Their first two albums were really good, I even remember calling a radio station to dedicate "I Remember You" to a girl in 3rd or 4th grade. I then had to call her to tell her to listen to the station. How romantic. Maybe I should try that now...dedicating songs to random girls seeing who goes for it; either that or getting a nude scene on tv so some pornstar decides she can't live without me and my hog (tera patrick style).



Pantera
I loved Pantera in junior high. Phil Anselmo's side project Down is currently a band I still enjoy a lot and I think they're coming out with a new album soon. Thope and I went to Ozzfest back in our undergraduate years when Down headlined the 2nd stage and I gotta say that Mr. Anselmo was all kinds of f'd up. In my opinion, Pantera truly emerged with the release of Cowboys From Hell and pretty much died after Far Beyond Driven. R.I.P Dimebag.



Honorable Mention: Gwar, Suicidal Tendencies, Aphex Twin, NWA, Faith No More, Nine Inch Nails, Nirvana, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rage Against the Machine, Tool

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Simpsons Episodes

Major League Softball Team (Season 3)

The softball team is replaced by Major Leaguers after a bet with the strangely Libyan power plant owner of Shelbyville, and the likes of Roger Clemens, Steve Sax, Darryl Strawberry, Jose Canseco, and many other reputable figures descend on Springfield to meet individual and horrific fates…except for Strawberry, who is simply pinch hit for.

My favorite demise is Griffey’s via gargantuism on account of brain tonic. “It’s like there’s a party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited.” Ha ha ha. Steroids.

And there’s this:

It’s funny because in real life, Wade Boggs hit is wife.

Monorail

"I call the big one bitey." And batman is a scientist.



Lisa’s Rival

The best A-Plot/B-Plot tagteam ever. Lisa comes across a girl smarter than her and hilarity ensues, via anagrams and bent Wookies. And on the flip side, Homer finds a freighter truck of sugar, steals it from the driver Hans Moleman, and then proceeds to defend it against enemies that turn out, as this clip shows, to be all too Britishly real.

Best. Episode. Ever.

Deathmatch listoff: Best Simpsons Episodes

I wasn't going to get this started, but others are sandbagging due to lame excuses such as "I need to get good screencaps" and "I'm taking care of my newborn child"

So fuck you fellow contributors, these episodes are now off limits.
Never watch them again.

Lisa the Vegetarian
This is probably my favorite episode ever. Lisa becomes repulsed by the thought of her family eating meat at the same time that Homer plans a BBBQ (The extra B is for BYOBB) What's that extra B for? Typo.
Another good exchange is when Lisa's questions prompt "independent thought alarms" at Springfield Elementary.
Skinner: "Two independent though alarms in one day -- Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I WARNED YE -- THAT COLORED CHALK WAS FORGED BY LUCIFER HIMSELF!
And, finally, where would we be without "Meat and You: Partners in Freedom"


Homie the Clown
Homer Simpson + Clowns = Comic Gold.
"Remind me to have that seat burned."
"That's it, you people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to Clown College."


Deep Space Homer
Gotta represent for the inanimate carbon rod. Cameos by James Taylor and Buzz Aldrin anyone?
My favorite part is when Homer compares meeting Mr. T to going into space.
Plus it features one of the most paraphrased lines on the intermet:
"I, for one, welcome our insect overlords."


Homer loves Flanders
Classic role reversal, where Homer becomes friends with Flanders, and eventually drives him insane.
"Lies make Baby Jesus cry"


A Star Is Burns
"I smell a cheap cartoon crossover"
This episode brings in Jay Sherman aka "the critic" and manages to be funnier than anything "The Critic" ever did. This is epitomized when Jay asks the Simpson crew if they ever want to come visit him in New York, and Bart tells him he doesn't think that will be happening.
And all the movies are fucking hilarious. I was saying Boo-urns.


Goddamn I had to leave out some good episodes, the Simpsons rulez. Fuck it, here's Mojo.

Deathmatch Counter-headbutt: Best rap lyrics

I'm not gonna lie, this was a struggle. With my preference for socially-conscious hip hop and the fact the "Make It Rain" was taken -- not too mention the fear of commenter wrath due to possible misspellings of Olde English brand malt liquor -- much self-medication (and Old English) was needed to make up the mind.

So I channelled my inner angry black man, realized if I was born brown in the projects I'd be dead by now and came up with this list.

Three 6 Mafia - Stay Fly

Gotta stay fly-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i
Until I Die-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i


With lyrics like those, its really no surprise these guys are the only oscar winners on this list.

But seriously...

NWA - Fuck the police

Fuck the police comin straight from the underground
Young nigga got it bad cause I'm brown

This opening salvo from the original gangsta-rappers forced countless whitebread middle Americans to sit up and take notice of the true problem facing the nation's urban areas. Not crack, gang-violence or shitty schools -- but Ice Cube's lack of respect for the law.



Eminem - Who Knew?

Fuck shit ass bitch cunt, shooby-de-doo-wop
Skibbedy-be-bop, a-Christopher Reeves
Sonny Bono, skis horses and hittin some trees



Marshall Mathers first two albums have some of the most innovative/make-you-think lyrics and flows to hit mainstream rap since Wu Tang's 36 Chambers. Like a hip hop South Park from 8 mile, pushing the limits of obscenity just because he can. This isn't even close to the most disturbing lyric the came up with (For that look to 97 Bonnie and Clyde, an entire song based on Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us" where Em tells his daughter about killing her mother). But for pure vulgarity and shock value it's hard to top.


Wu Tang Clan - C.R.E.A.M.

Cash, Rules, Everything, Around, Me
C.R.E.A.M.
Get the money
Dolla dolla bill y'all



With all apologies to when RZA says "And the survey said -- ya dead," I'll go with the chorus from arguably the best song off the East Coast hip hop collective's seminal album. RIP ODB.


Dead Prez - Hell Yeah (Pimp the System)

Got me flippin burgers with no power
Can't even buy one off what I make in a hour

With Dead Prez, revolutionary but gangsta (RBG), its tough to narrow it down to just one lyric. One track will say how you need "be careful how you season and prepare your foods, cause you don't wanna lose vitamins and minerals" and the next will talk about "runnin up on them crackers in they city hall."

But as far a profound statements go, the "flippin burgers" line is the kind that cuts deep so anyone can understand it. Plus that track has verses on robbing the pizza boy and committing credit card fraud. Fuck it here's the video.

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Rap Lyrics

These aren't really good or meaningful, but they're fun to use in random conversation and I think they're powerful in their own simple eloquence.


5. Fat Joe feat. Lil Wayne - Make it Rain



Lil Wayne - I make it rain on them hos

This song was already amazing when I heard the "Make it Rain" chorus and then I heard the unedited version that blatantly objectifies and demeans hookers. They're hookers though so they'll get over it. We made it hail on this nasty ho when we started balling up our bills and pelting her in the face with them after she gripped up Hooks at Midge's birthday party. (Cell phone pics are sadly missing, although I was seriously considering uploading them to the company server)


4. Black Rob - Whoa



Black Rob - Grenade through your window bitch, like whoa!

This song is a rap insitution. It's so utterly bad and corny that you can't help but love it. You hear all kinds of rappers boasting about which caliber pistol they would use to vanquish their adversaries, but a grenade? Yes Black Rob, I would be quite alarmed if a grenade came through my window, but this just sounds ridiculous. You jumping two stories down onto a flat bed trailer rigged with pyrotechnics in sync to the break beat in the video isn't helping either.


3. Trick Daddy - 'Dro in the wind



Trick Daddy - You gotsta understand, Trick love da kids

I don't know if it's because Trick is speaking in the third person or because of the profound validity of the statement, but this is a classic. Trick Daddy truly does care about the children and isn't that what really matters after all?


2. Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz - Throw it Up (remix)



Pastor Troy - Wood grain in the mother fucking dualie truck

This is another good one to quote whenever you see a dualie truck because it's always totally plausible that the occupants are indeed rocking the wood grain interior. Plus, if you get the badass Requiem for a Dream-sampled remix, you get to hear another one of Young Buck's gems:

Home of the dirty dirty, stop and they still spinnin
They tried to hit me like 50, but bitch I'm still livin


1. G-Unit - Stunt 101



Young Buck - The ice in my teeth keep the Crystal cold

This is my favorite rap lyric of all time to quote because of a powerful index of reasons why these words should never come out of my mouth. Namely the fact that I'm a dorky white kid that can't afford Crystal nor the diamonds with which to keep it chilled.

Deathmatch Listoff: Best Rap Lyrics

5. Jay-Z, “Allure” (Gray Album Version)

And I can't explain why, I just love to get high
Drink life, smoke the blueberry sky, blink twice
I'm in the blueberry 5, you blink three times
I may not even be alive
How mean James Dean couldn't escape the allure
Dyin young, leavin a good lookin corpse



I don’t know what is a “Blueberry 5,” or why James Dean has to be “mean,” but fuck, if you’re a rapper or a Beatle, you better live your life by these lyrics.

4. Dr. Dre, “Dre Day”

If it ain’t another ho that I gots to fuck with
Gap teeth in yo mouth so my dicks got to fit



Oh the days of Eazy-E vs. the Dre crew. Too bad the feud ended when E died of the Aids.

3. Wu-Tang Clan, “Method Man”

M-E-T-H-O-D Man
M-E-T-H-O-D Man
M-E-T-H-O-D Man
M-E-T-H-O-D Man



I challenge any other person on this earth to repeat their name four times and sound as good as this…for the record, Beetlejuice is not of this earth…

2. Ice Cube, “Who Got the Camera”

Mr. Law had to hit me in the jaw
‘Cause I called them faggots
With guns and badges



The slur against homosexuals here is (a) acceptable cultural relativism, since said lyrics were written in those dark times of 1992, and (b) allowed, when referencing cops. It’s funny because he also denigrates their attire and weapons. The entire song is about Cube getting pulled over and abused by the 5-0, all the while screaming out for someone to videotape. Though at the end he notes that the fucking police are getting badder, ‘cause if he had a camera, it still wouldn’t matter.

1. Snoop Doggy Dogg, “Doggy Dogg World”

You think you got the bomb
‘Cause I rolled you a joint?
You’s a flea. And I’m the big dog
I’ll scratch you off my balls
With my muthafuckin paws

This is the best boast in the history of the universe. Goddamn those were good times for Snoop Deezy. I enjoy the physicality of comparing his enemies to fleas, and then positioning himself as a dog so big, his balls are world enough. Big Dog indeed.



Welcomes to E-roc and dr.piece, by the way. I look forward to deathlisting you both.

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Videogames

5. Metroid.
For a long time this was the greatest game in the history of the universe. Hidden energy tanks. Secret levels with badasses named Ridley. And sweet sweet Motherbrain. Ahhh. Not to mention the fact that, if you win it five times, your space mask comes off. And you become a chick. Hot.

Bonus points for spotting King Hippo.

4. James Bond: Goldeneye
I didn’t know how fun shooting people in the head could be until I played this on N64. A three-dimensional world, you say? Bah. Flimshaw. Videogames will never become so complex.

(Inappropriate.)

3. NHL 94
Damn you Alexander Mogilny and your inhuman agility. And why won’t Jeremy Roenick just go down? The only thing better than crosschecking someone until their head bleeds is perpetrating The Move on one of your weirdo friends (another C Wright reference).

Best Goal Ever

2. MarioKart
I celebrate the entire MarioKart collection, from its SNES progenitor to the current Gamecube version. And Rainbow Road is a culturally relevant topic.


1. RBI Baseball.
It’s funny because there is crying in baseball. At least when you make errors. This is the best game ever because it combines Tony Gwynn, Ricky Henderson, and a young Benito Santiago with gameplay that’s only gotten more enjoyable over time. And you can hit home runs through walls. And Mark McGwire isn’t yet ruined.


It also is analogous with the past:

Too Nintendo heavy, this list? I’m living in the past, you say?

With twenty years of tradition from The Legend of Zelda to Wii Sports, you’re goddamn right I’m living in the past….

Deathmatch listoff: Best Video Games

Feel free to dispute this. But you will be wrong.

5 Mike Tyson's Punchout
Tyson's right, such finger speed IS rarely seen. Wink at me will you? Well take this punch to the face which leaves with your mouth humorously agape!
Also, I'll learn you to mock me with your chomping "King" Hippo. Ahhh no I'm purple now!


4 Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
A shoutout to my RPG-playing homies. With all apologies to Final Fantasy -- actually scratch that, final fantasy is dumb and too Japanese.
This game was the second best reason to get an XBOX circa 2003. And I don't even like star wars all that much. I'm not going to post a video of the ending of this game cause its a huge spoiler.


3 Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Clearly the GTA franchise needs to be represented. This is merely the most recent and most expansive GTA as of yet. I'll take that paper.
As for this video, I really couldn't turn down the combination of stealing a tank and Rammstein.


2 Super Mario Bros. 3
This game and I have a long and erotic history. Wait ... what?
It all goes back to freshman year at college when Max, Rosstafarian and I played a two player game all the way too the end, with no warp whistles at all. It took about 8 1/2 hours. Time well spent I'd say.



1 Halo
I still play this online (Halo 2 that is) on a fairly regular basis. Just straight up killing people. Few things bring as much joy to a hardened VG-vet like myself like the one-shot kill, sniper to the head. Either that or sticking a grenade to somebody's face.


So that's my list. There are some notable omissions so have at 'er as you will in the comments or whatever.

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Stoner Movies

5. Half Baked
Oh David Chapelle. Your rapstar Sir Smoke A-Lot blows the future Rick James out the water. My favorite scene is when Scar Face (“he’s kinda high strung for a stoner”) quits his job at the burger joint.


4. Caddyshack
This movie makes sense because playing golf sober does not.


3. Yellow Submarine
Bonus points for never referencing the stonering directly, keeping instead to a system of allegory that involves blue meanies and talking gloves. George Harrison is so much bigger than Jesus, especially when he shows up on the mountaintop all hippy long-haired. In contrast, John’s just weird.


2. The Big Lebowski
I’m okay with making this number two because, in my list of best movies of all time, it’s easily number one. “This case has a lot of ins and outs, what have yous, but thankfully I’ve been keeping to a pretty heavy regiment of drugs and alcohol, to keep my mind clear.” And as opposed to the infant Jesus, I prefer to worship this purpled one, as per his priest, Liam.


1. Dazed and Confused
This is its own universe of stonering, complete with socio-stratified levels of take and abuse. A fucking masterpiece that only gets better the more it’s watched. And the music rocks. And drugs make you throw bowling balls through shit. Goddamn. I wanna watch it right now.

Deathmatch counterpunch: Best places to visit in the Mushroom Kingdom

This is so fucking arbitrary, I am not even gonna number them. The first rule of Deathmatch? There are no rules.

That level where you get in a boot in Mario 3

There you go. The almighty green boot's protection overwhelms all bitey/spikey enemies.
Good old level 5, the sky level. You know what they say, "Better bring your P-Wing."
Nobody says that.


Koopa Troopa Beach
Much better than that totalitarian paradise, Wario Stadium. For one, its the beach, some sort of desert island. No hustle and bustle to deal with. Just sit back and watch the go karts go past. I would chill by the palm trees to see the crashes. Plus, there's the sweet tunnel, the crab-infested sandbar, and monkeys in the trees. Not to mention you can go off a bunch of sweet jumps.
Yoshi sucks.



Wherever the Mario Party is

From what I can see, Mario parties with Jack Daniels, and they rock the gib. Master Chief is also there for some reason, I guess he's the bouncer. Just wait til Ronald McDonald shows up.

Deathmatch listoff: Best Stoner Movies

Well, there is no way I am going to be able research enough Mushroom Kingdom mythology before Sopranos to have any kind of "coherent response" to TMoney's post, and likewise my weekly media diatribe/catharsis is proving elusive. So here is something that is LONG overdue.

And what better than this list a mere 2 days after the high holiday. True fashion. While the definition of "stoner movie" may be a point of contention, I am going to say its any movie where a main character partakes in cannabis. Hopefully I won't get too distracted by "Planet Earth: Forests" on the Discovery Channel to finish this before Tony et al.

6. Grandmas Boy
This movie is somehow underrated and overrated at the same time. So idiotic and yet surprisingly rewatchable. It really could be replace by any number of other Sandler/Stiller movies that lack the ganj. Like Happy Gilmore. Nevertheless, it has a karate monkey.


5. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels This is probably pushing the definition of stoner movie, but the transporter gets high as hell and weed is a major part of the plot. And it fucking rules. So much so that I'm posting 2 clips.

So many choices. How bout "guns are for show, knives for a pro?" It's funny because Soap is such a pussy up until that point.



4. Half Baked A classic. From the death of Buttercup to the death of Killer. And I quote, "Killer was born to a 3-legged bitch of a mother. And he was always ashamed of it, man." Great cameos -- such as Bob "I suck dick for coke" Saget and Jon Stewart. Not to mention Sir Smoke-A-Lot.


3. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
Just that the "devil's harvest" poster I had in college makes an appearance merits, uh, this movie's appearance on this list.

Plus it has something for everyone. Whether your funny-bone preference be shitting, freaks, racism, or sex with freaks, you are pretty-well covered.
"Bullets! My only weakness. How did you know?"
Also, I enjoyed re-enacting this scene when I worked at a pizza place out in Wisconsin. True Story.


2. Dazed and Confused This really is the stoner movie by which all others should be judged. So well put together, with the younger and older generations interacting and whatnot. Ah, life in 1970s Texas, when high school seniors could drive around drunk and administer savage beatings on freshmen. Plus there's a ton of random stuff going on that is fucking hilarious. For example, this scene. Ignore Wooderson's ridiculous dialogue and watch.


1. The Big Lebowski The dude abides. Walter on the other hand? Not so much. World of pain indeed.


Dammit I forgot Super Troopers and Caddyshack. Oh well, they probably shoulda been in there somewhere. And I'm sure there's a ton of others I missed. So to make up for it, here's a video of arguably the greatest scene in movie history.

Deathmatch Listoff: Best Places to visit in the Mushroom Kingdom

It’s been a heartwarming experience to watch the Mushroom Kingdom evolve into a bustling society these last two decades. Who could have known, when an Italian imagined by Japanese cultural relativists was taken to a strange pipe-filled world to battle “goumbas,” that this world would expand to a landscape of classy soccer arenas, major-league racetracks, scintillating sexual mores, and technological marvels that include a road made of rainbows and an orbiting arena.

Not I. I’m still pretty sure Nintendo should have died about twenty years ago, when they came out with that weird-ass robot and its spinning discs. But thankfully no. And now, in this here 2007, we are free to debate the femininity of Waluigi, the harem of toad-men Princess and Daisy keep in tow, and of course, the engagement between Yoshi and Birdo (I mean, have you seen the size of her ring?...Birdo’s the she, by the way...at least I hope so).

Anyhoo. Deathmatch Listoff Go Now Die!

4. The Coin Clouds From Super Mario Brothers 3
So a raccoon tail and you can fly, eh Mario? All right then. But, logically, you must get a feather first to grow said raccoon tail. And then you’re off, up out of the screen and into an arrangement of strange clouds, where money can be plucked from the air itself.

I like it. I’d enjoy hanging out a bit up here to watch the action below. This was back before the mutual treaty of cooperation that allowed sporting ventures between the likes of Mario’s faction and the clan of Bowser. This is old war stuff—hammer brothers shredding bitches, goumbas idling lazily (like their Italian namesakes), turtles caught shamelessly in the crossfire. And the cloud environs look plush and inviting, godlike if you will. I miss old-school Mushroom Kingdom.


3. Donkey Kong Stadium: Mario Baseball
A stream in center field. Giant barrels shot at you as as fly balls descend. Listless crocodiles that latch on to fielders and prevent them from diving. Brilliant. I have a soft spot in my heart for the Donkey Kong family. Maybe it’s their pre-speech methods of communication, or their brute intolerance of evil.

Regardless, if I were to visit, I’d enjoy an inning or two in the infield, as to avoid a barrel to the dome. Then I’d retreat to the strange tree house down the left-field line and light a huge blunt, hoping that my superhuman control of fire wouldn’t send the monkeys screaming. The jungle environs in the distance, by the way, look delightful. Much better than Wario’s desert ballpark just down the way.


2. Orbital Lizard Stadium: Super Mario Strikers
I’d enjoy the ride here as much as the environs themselves. Who’s the best space pilot in the Mushroom Kingdom? I’m gonna go with those goalie lizards introduced in Mario Soccer, though Petey Piranha, he who flaps his leaf wings and drops bombs to right field, would be a close second.

I like the fanfare that Mario Soccer brings out. All the flashing lights, streamers, and Bacchanalian excitement that seems almost Spanish in its revelry. I wonder if Bowser’s ever thrown someone out of an airlock. I could see it.


1. Wario Stadium: MarioKart N64
The Mushroom Kingdom, like Europe and Southeast Asia, has a troubling history of totalitarianism. I mean, they went from pipes to space travel in like a decade and a half. Shit's gonna get crazy. Insurgent, if you will.

So at one point in this struggle toward modernity, Wario conquered a bunch of smaller peeps and proclaimed himself Supreme Leader. How do I know this, you ask? From his stadium.

Besides the sad, slave-like members of his audience (probably promised food in exchange for their attendance), besides the rustic dirt track that obviously betrays a crippling fuel shortage, and besides the cage-like subservience of Likitu, beginner of races—besides all these things, the ultimate mark of fascism here is the enormous, blue-tinted images of Wario himself, the state and leader intertwined with cultlike energy.

I’d rate him a cross between Mussolini and Kim Jong Il. Though I would say that his evil knows limits, unlike Waluigi, who definitely kills hookers.

In conclusion, I would like to visit this place the most because I would enjoy beating up on bitches with Wario, both of us drinking fine wine and forcing court jesters to dance. In the Mushroom Kingdom, power is everything. You don’t go there for a leisurely vacation. You visit because you can humiliate semi-human entities—via fastball, corner kick, or red shell attack—without any consequences whatsoever.


(I may or may not have written this post on April 20th.)

Deathmatch counterpunch: Best Adult Swim Shows

OK yeah I ripped the birdman, sorry about that. I have only seen it a couple times and cannot be faulted for any resulting ignance. My list is a little more "focused" on the absurdist. As anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time knows, making sense isn't my number one priority. And I apologize in advance if this makes no sense.

5. Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. So ridiculous. Foreigner Belt is some of the greatest shit ever. Plus the Mooninites pwned Boston. And any cartoon that can inaccurately be described as dadaist by the associated press is A-OK in my book.

4. Futurama. Penalized because it isn't "originally" an Adult Swim show. I'd still probably rather watch it than anything else on this list though. Denevi already took the best clip so I can't really find anything else to .... MULTIBALL! BLERN! BLERRRRRRN!


3.Venture Bros. I always forget about this show. But I always watch it if I see it on, so there you go. ahahaha the Mummy got kicked in the nuts.

2. Sealab 2021. I am tired and cannot support my choices anymore, so take it from Moby Dick.


1. Robot Chicken. Hilarious dark as hell satire everytime, plus you can re-enact your favorite sketches at home with all your action figures. Don't tell me I'm the only one that does that. Here's the infamous tooth fairy sketch, its probably wrong that I find this hilarious.
"Is mom coming?"
"DISNEYLAND!"

Deathmatch Listoff: Best Adult Swim Shows

That great proprietor of fainting goats, THope the III, has openly mocked Harvey Birdman, patient defender of 1970s cartoon characters everywhere, by claiming it a second-tier show on Adult Swim. This aggression will not stand. To wit:

5. The Venture Brothers
Much better than that terse and simplistic attempt at parody, Metalocolypse. I enjoy the psychological realism as per villains. And the hot beezys the David Puddy-esque character always reels in.


4. ATHF
Hit or miss, I says. Most often hit. Especially when it comes to the ennui of the mooninites. I bet Meatball would totally be that guy who takes too much shrooms just because you tell him to (this is a C Wright reference).


3. Family Guy
I support commenter Grant’s conjecture that this show has become tired. I would actually say that it insists upon itself. Which brings us to this metafictional clip that is brilliant in its self-referential commentary…just substitute “Family Guy” for “Godfather.”


2. Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law
Shut up Tommy. Stephen Colbert is so good on this show, everything else he’s ever done becomes better. Even The Incredibly Gay Duo. “Ha ha ha. Dislocation. Can I get a yank, sister?”


1. Futurama
It’s like the Simpsons got good again, and more nerdy. This clip says it all, especially the quote: “Amy, tend to the widow Pacman.” And it ties nicely into an upcoming post: Best places to visit in the Mushroom Kingdom.


Sealab 2020? Robot Chicken? Bah. Flimshaw.