Your Daily Blotter

a top-ten list of crimes reported in the blotter for the five boroughs of NYC.

Monday, April 10, 2007

A chilly Spring day with a healthy spattering across the criminal acts spectrum. With one failed mugging, two nonfatal shootings and a successful Supermarket robbery to go by the wayside, we turn to the highlights.

#5 Deboray Burton, 44, pummeled a supermarket security guard with a fistful of keys when he “refused” to let her steal $40 of meat. I like to think the use of the word “refused” in the report, signals that there was a negotiation, but that in the end, the stalwart 22 year old guard decided to stop her... She then beat him senseless.

The 4 spot goes to Thomas Driscoll. The 60 year old man who was caught selling untaxed cigarettes from his apartment. Lordy, lord! Untaxed!! That’s like half-off. Now , though Driscoll was quoted as saying, “I’m retired. I’m trying to make a living”. I know what was really going on; Driscoll is a true freedom fighter, sticking it to the man, a reminder of the days of Hippies, Yippies, Doctor King, The Weather Men and Oliver North! I commend him as he throws caution to the wind, the finger to the federal and state tax systems, stares into the face of cancer and says, “Social security isn’t cutting it, let’s sell some stolen shit!” Fight on, Brother Driscoll, Fight on!

#3 on our list is a sordid dish. Stinky with the over ripe fruit of jealousy, envy and garnished with a sprig of betrayal. That’s right... Puppy stealing. And not just any puppy stealing, but puppy stealing from a dude you know. For that is exactly what Joshua McKinney, 20, defaming the McKinney name for generations to come did when he kicked open a friends front door and took off with seven pit bull puppies. Woe...Woe I say is the future of mankind with twisted fucks like McKinney roaming the globe!! The puppies were unharmed.

#2, hurrah! Ripe with quality blotter-dom. The 65 year old Thomas Monk seems to have stabbed his 55 year old friend in the torso over a woman after a card game. More than anything, this notice should mean something to our freedom-fighting friend Thomas Driscoll, 60. Just cause you’re retired Thomas, doesn’t mean life is over and guerrilla sales tactics are the only way. You still have years of drunken knife fights ahead of you. Just look at Thomas Monk.

And the number 1 blotter spot this Monday goes to none other than Sayeeda Kelly, 34. After seeing another, younger (21) woman in her man’s SUV, Sayeeda went after that ho with a baseball bat.
This, of course, calls up the famed Jerry Springer Syndrome when one attacks the ho your lover is cheating with instead of attacking you lover who is indeed the real ho. I’m sayin’ girl, she was just trying to get some, it’s your man whose playing you...dummy. But it seems, as per usual, we would rather compete for love than confront love.
Highlights of the article include that, when arrested, Sayeeda was charged with “assault, menacing... and criminal possession of a weapon,” i.e. the baseball bat, but also “unlawful possession of marijuana (2 bags)”. Which raises the question, what is ‘lawful marijuana’ and where can I get some? In her defense, Sayeeda noted, “we were fighting and it was not my fault that I fight better than her”. Raising the age old question: if we fight and I kick you ass, should I get any more arrested than you? Maybe you should get arrested more for being a bitch?!

Till next time, this has been Blotter Beaters with Maximum Security.

editors note: this has been sitting in my inbox for a couple days, and I was gonna try and find some corresponding pictures, but fuck it. The only change made was correcting for AP style on "hoe." Damn I got correspondents all up in this piece.