If you leave the ships are gonna wreck

Because arbitrary, offensive lists are what the internet is all about -- Here's a list of who should be resurrected instead of stupid Jebus (besides 2pac obviously). No Denevi, not Barry Bonds. Quiet you.

Pat Tillman - I know, I know, you expected something not serious to start. But just the fact that he could have more control over his own legacy would make it worthwhile. Remember, Jake Plummer is widely perceived as douchebag.

edit: Here I had something about Cory Lidle, but then I thought "What if his family sees this?" So I took it down. I guess I'm not completely soulless, which is good.

The Orangutan - What's that you say, they aren't gone yet? Well it's only a matter of time. Just look at this little guy and his tiger friend. Awwwwwww. Enjoy living in a zoo you little fuckers. It's like a prison for animals!


Use of the term "applesauce" as an expletive. As in "awwwww, applesauce!" Clearly better than fiddlesticks. For that matter pretty much all 1920s slang should come back. And how!

Martin Luther King - If anyone could get crack out the ghetto, it's him. I'm looking at you, guy who OD'd on on Dickerhoff's front stoop on Friday night. Yeah, you're a diabetic all right. If by diabetic you mean injecting yourself with drugs. Oh wait. Anyway, anyone want to redneck-cracker it up at Swank Bar (West Philly's finest) with me?

Barbaro - Thousands of middle-aged women in West Virginia and Indiana would bow down to their savior, not to mention "Kristen" who wrote the Barbaro erotic fan fiction. WARNING, THERE ARE THINGS YOU CANNOT UNREAD. Although if the Big Boss Horse did come back I would rather kill myself than deal with the media coverage. Affirmed.

Rage against the Machine - Oh wait, already gonna happen.

Cliff Burton - Former Metallica Bassist died in 1984 in a bus crash. Why oh why couldn't it have been Lars Ullrich. The band has pretty much never been the same. OBEY YOUR MASTER!


High-brow culture - I'm not saying I would necessarily partake in it, but it would be nice if it was there at all. I blame reality TV, especially Bam Margera. Not too mention everyone trying to get ahead. Check out this article and you'll see what I mean. But don't miss Dancing with the Stars live on ABC! I hope that Heather Mills leg flies off and hits Laila Ali, causing her to fly into a rage and beat the shit out of Ian Ziering.


OK I am just depressing myself now, so I'll leave it at that.