So bad its good: Starship Troopers

Criminally underrated by the high-minded and misunderstood by idiots. THIS is the opening scene fer crissake.
If that doesn't intrigue/horrify you, check your pulse.

Basic Plot:

The 1997 film tells the tale of Johnny Rico, Dizzy Ibanez, Doogie Howser, Denise Richards and Gary Busey's son -- among others -- as they travel across space to train for and fight the inevitable giant insect war of the 23rd century.

Also don't forget Michael Ironside as the mechanical-armed ethics teacher/mobile infantry lieutenant.

After our heroes graduate from high school, they get shipped off to their various military gigs.
The bugs somehow launch an an asteroid at earth, destroying Buenos Aires -- which also happens to be this gang of soap opera wannabes' hometown.

So after some corporal punishment for Rico, the army ships off to some planet to kill the bugs, where they (including Rico) are promptly annilhated by 9-foot-tall "soldier bugs" in excessively gory ways. Fortunately son of Busey escapes.

"We thought we were smarter than the bugs."



Later, after Rico is magically still alive (Somehow saved by Ironside?) and Denise Richards becomes a high-ranking spaceship captain, they go to "Planet P" to capture a brain bug, and psychic Doogie Howser knows IT'S AFRAID.
Problem Solved.


The film is really saved/made better by the propaganda interspersed that features the audiences' favorite bug-hating douchebag actors.



Key Scenes

Rico stars in a futuristic version of high school arena football(that's something that exists, right?), beating his eventual rival for Denise Richards' affections.

Any scene while they are in training, take your pick. Off the top of my head I'll throw out the coed shower scene and the part where Zed Zim the drill sergeant throws a knife through somebodys hand.

The numerous multitude of ridiculous quotes, which I think reaches its pinnacle when Richards' copilot/Rico's rival asks her:
"Three weeks on a starship and you think you can lick my naps?"

Rico takes out a giant fire-spitting beetle by jumping on its back, shooting a hole in its shell, and throwing a live grenade in the hole. When asked by Ironside how he learned to do that, he responds by telling him "Don't you remember, back in high school I was on the team." He refrains from saying that they won states.

For an example of the glorious satire, check this clip, which has about 10 parallels with modern media and politics. Think a nerdy Bill O'Reilly denying the evidence of evolution and denigrating muslims AT THE SAME TIME.


Rico and Dizzy finally get it on, while son of Busey plays some sort of futuristic fiddle outside. The coupling is interrupted by Ironside, who informs them that they are shipping out immediately. When he sees a naked Dizzy, he gives them an extra 15 minutes.

The only black guy in the crew gets maimed in a cave but proves his worth by staying behind and detonating an explosion, ensuring our heroes escape. Also, he repeatedly screams "You're dead!" at the bugs before blowing them, and himself, up.

Finally this clip has soldiers giving bullets to children, and shows the true danger of being a mormon extremist.
Would you like to know more?

So bad its good: Lake Placid

I figured I'd dust off an old feature in honor of 300, which I saw last weekend.
In case you are wondering, despite the wall constructed of dead bodies, it was corny as all hell.
Here's a sampling:
King Leonidas: Dilious -- you are injured?
Dilious: (in pirate voice) Twas only an eye /applies eyepatch
King Leonidas: /randomly eats apple
Me: Baldomir, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Upon review of IMDB it seems Dilious was actually played by the actor who was Faramir in LOTR:ROTK, my bad)

Lets get on with it, first the poster.

What is up with "creature feature" movie posters? Always with the giant beast sneaking up on some unsuspecting hottie. First Deep Blue Sea, and now this. Do these studio execs have any creativity at all? Don't answer that.

On to the plot!
It stars Bridget Fonda as some sort of museum curator and Bill Pulman as the local fish and wildlife warden. Also, there's Oliver Platt as some sort of croc expert, Betty White as an old bitty, and the local sheriff. Most importantly, there is a giant fucking alligator that swam all the way from Africa to Maine, with the express purpose biting people's heads off.

Key Scenes:
The croc bites off someones head, and the head ends up back on land later, much to the disgust of someone, probably. Also I think Platt makes some sort of smart-ass remark. This is tough cause I haven't seen the movie in a while.

Any scene involving camping. Especially when Bridget Fonda whines about mosquitoes or something. And then the sheriff threatens to pee on Oliver Platt. For that matter ...

Any scene with the local sheriff and Oliver Platt is fucking gold. Their witty repartee knows no bounds. I think this random YouTube video may be on to something. AHAHAHAHAHA Pork Chop.
sorry

Finally, the croc takes down a bear in full CGI glory



Thats all I can remember. I think the croc takes down a chopper at the end or something, and then Fonda and Pullman make sweet love, cause their chemistry is ELECTRIC.

Enjoyable: Detroit Rock City

I could say "so bad its good" but that wouldn't make sense, cause this movie isn't even bad. And I owe a good movie, cause after pimping XXX so hard a couple weeks back I feel dirty.
Anyway, Detroit Rock City kicks some serious ass.
If you haven't seen it, the plot is about 4 friends going to see a KISS concert in Detroit during the '70s. Imagine Dazed and Confused except Metal instead of Wooderson and ghetto-detroit instead of hick-texas.

Key scenes:

They break Jam out of some sort of boarding school by giving the head guy magic mushrooms, even though it creates one of the few plot holes. I plead the fifth on describing this if you don't understand.

Hawk starts his strip show by filling a pitcher with vomit.

Jam loses his virginity in a confessional. To a Jewish girl no less. Sacrilicious!

They throw a pizza slice onto the hood of a pontiac while driving down the highway.

Anything involving Stretch Armstrong.

Hawk trying to buy tickets off a scalper, and the scalper convinces Hawk of the quality of a KISS show with the phrase "big breasteses in tight vesteses."

HEY CHONGO!

So bad its good -- XXX: State of the Union

Now I know what you are thinking. WTF? XXX: State of the Union? They couldn't even get Vin Diesel for that, and I refuse to see it on general principle. Well, sorry to say, but you are wrong.

Of course, it does have a few knocks against it. Such as the fact that its a sequel to a piece of garbage, the approximately 800 plot holes, and the fact that the director becomes an increasingly jump-cut/MTV-style "filmmaker" as it goes along, making the last half-hour borderline unwatchable.

But it has Ice Cube in his finest performance since, uh, All About the Benjamins? Plus SLJ and Willem Defoe in full-on "gotta make movies to get paid" mode. And a white guy who is constantly refered to as "college boy." So theres that.

Key scenes:
SLJ meets with Ice Cube in prison. Here's where you get some of that precious XXX backstory the viewers demand. Apparently Willem Defoe ordered SLJ and Cubes unit to start some sort of fire, burning civilians or something, and they refused emphatically. So emphatically that Cube was forced to break Defoe's jaw. The highlight of this exchange is SLJ turning his head to reveal a burn scar, to which Ice Cube says "I like what you did with your face."

Cube somehow jumps a boat onto a cop car, followed by him doing the slow motion walk in front of an explosion. Which somehow saves college boy from certain doom.

Any scene with Xzibit, who gets to finally play out his fantasy of owning a chop shop. What? He's got a show where he does that too?

The CGI shots of the capitol building. Not sure if they just couldn't get permission to shoot there, were too lazy, or just thought a CGI capitol would be cool. Personally I hope it was the latter.

Random throwaway line where they say Xander Cage (Vin Diesel from the first movie) was killed in Bora Bora. Well, that explains everything.

The final scene where Cube chases down the presidential bullet train(Guh?) by jumping a car onto the tracks, popping the tires and turing the car into some sort of tiny locomotive. Also Scott Speedman as NSA suit turned badass telling the president to jump into his awaiting arms while being suspended below a helicopter.

Actually, scratch that last one. And yes, I saw this in the theater.

And for your viewing pleasure and general edification, here's a random fan-created trailer I found.
BEWARE SPOILERS! Just kidding. Not really.

So bad its good: Deep Blue Sea

I was going to write So bad its good: Jet Li's The One, but I can't remember enough about it. There is not one universe, but a MULTIVERSE.

So Deep Blue Sea it is. Renny Harlin's crowning achievement. As I always say, "Its as good as a movie about super-intelligent sharks can possibly be." I mean just look at the poster.

That shark is totally sneaking up on her! Also, the lead actresses name is Saffron. Like the herb.

In case you haven't seen it, which is inexcusable, its about a team of researchers led by saffron, Stellan Skarsgaard and SLJ in nerd mode. They work at an underwater research facility, where they are testing alzheimers medicine on sharks? Maybe? All I know is "The sharks got smarter." Also, LL Cool J is a wise-ass cook.

Anyway, Tom Jane brings his crack team of shark afficianados(or whatever, Jane knows sharks, in the biblical sense) down to the undersea facility, when a storm/helicopter crash floods the facility, setting the sharks on the hunt. On the hunt for humans. (sorry)


Key scenes
LL Cool J escapes from shark by climbing into his own oven. After the shark ate his pet parrot. The shark turns on the oven, cause it wants a hot meal of course. So LL uses the hatchet he happens have on his person to hack through to the upper oven, at which point he dives over the shark, which is still attacking the lower oven. Stupid super-intelligent sharks, when will you learn? He then delivers the classic one liner "You ate ma' bird." and throws his lighter back into the oven/shark region causing an explosion. I guess they were gas ovens.

Saffron strips down (wooo woooo!) because she must use her wetsuit for its non-conductive properties when she totally electrocutes another shark. Pretty sure this wouldn't work. Got my fingers crossed that they'll test it on Mythbusters, otherwise we may never know.

LL Cool J escapes death by stabbing a shark in the eye with his cross necklace.

And of course, the immortal scene where SLJ delivers a totally cliched inspirational speech, followed instantly by a shark eating him. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip, but this 10 second highlight reel is chock full o' shark-bitey goodness.

Cradle 2 the Grave is the best movie ever with a numeral in the title

The sound on this sucks, but the greatest moment in cinematic history happens at about 2:20.

Plus Jet Li totally uses a midget as some sort of crude weapon.

motherfucking Snakes in the motherfucking Plane!

Wow, so I saw that today, and it was so full of motherfucking ass-kickerery that I don't know where to start.
I gotta preface with the fact this is one of my favorite kinds of films, meaning tongue-in-cheek and totally ridiculous. For example, I have long-enjoyed both Starship Troopers and Deep Blue Sea.

As a movie, I'm not sure it is as good as the above mentioned 'masterworks' but as a phenomenon it definitely kicks the shit out of their motherfucking ass. When a mere sentence uttered by Samuel L. Jackson is enough to bring claps from everyone in the sparsely-populated theater, you know you are witnessing something special.

Witness. "Enough is ENOUGH! I've had it with these MOTHERFUCKING snakes on this MOTHERFUCKING plane" Delivered with straight-up "Ezekiel 25:17" inflection as patented by SLJ. It will go down as one of the most memorable lines in the history of cinema. At least the best use of motherfucker. Yippee-Ky-Yay, motherfucker? You are one ugly motherfucker? I don't know.

But I did think Kenan Thompson killed it as the video game aficionado/pilot. At least compared to him as Fat Albert. But then again, the bar was pretty low.

Every scene was totally gratuituous. Surfing? Motocross? Sex in airplane bathroom? Snakes biting the shit out of people?
In fact, I'm pretty sure that every single part of the human anatomy was bitten at some point.
"Fucking snake get off my dick!" Yes--someone actually says that.

Also, I may have to deconstruct Snakes on a Plane vs. Deep Blue Sea. As I always say, If not me, who? If not later, when?