God bless the internet

You know, when I click on a link that says "bird poop in mouth" I expect it to deliver. That guy is an example of journalism at its finest. Out there on the front lines, braving all the bird shit in the world to tell you about some sort of bird infestation that no one cares about.

Moving on -- The Library of Congress has a flickr stream.

This reviewer uses nearly 3000 words to say Dane Cook sucks. I am officially convinced thatmaking fun of Cook is funnier than the man himself.

Conan vs. Colbert. It's funny because Mike Huckabee's candidacy is a joke.

There was some recession talk earlier this week. It wouldn't be so bad. Honestly, I am looking forward to it. Conservation would become popular out of necessity. I will fucking destroy people in Skip the Pump. But lets be honest, that extra 300 bucks coming from Congress will totally turn the economy around. Or not.

Journalism is all about the drinking. I agree.

Sex with Robots? Soon, say nerds.

In other geek news, we have an open source a video recorder, whose makers are encouraging hackers to go to town on it. I'm not that technically savvy, but hey, gotta start somewhere. I can't wait to watch internet porn on my TV. What a strange and exciting future we live in!

That's it, I gotta go cause I'm totally burgin.

Signs of Recession

Welcome to another edition of phriday philler, or as it more accurately could be called -- stuff I saw on Reddit this week.

First we have this "Internet Party" video on Cracked. Imagine all the different internet sites as people at a party at Google's house. Cause she knows everybody, get it? Meta-larious. It's from the comedy something Those Aren't Muskets! whose site is worth checking out.

Here's an interview with Ice Cube from the Onion AV Club. "Are we done yet?" is clearly gangsta.

Reading this article about real-life superheroes, all I could think of was Watchmen. And of course the graphic novel is mentioned in the article. Nevertheless, if I saw one of these "Reals" out somewhere I would probably laugh in their face. Unless it was Citizen Prime, he kicks ass.

Check out the latest fashions, from Milan. WTF. I don't even have a joke here. Oh wait, yes I do: Derelicte my balls.

Save the Redwoods. I saw them once, they are worth saving. Not like those good-for-nothing whales.

Here's a fan-made video of The Arcade Fire's "My Body is a Cage." Bruce Springsteen liked it, and if its good enough for the Boss, its good enough for me.


Finally, here's an interesting column about materialism in our culture. Ah, the fake choices we have today. CONSUME!

That's it, I'm going to go play War on Terror, the boardgame. Enjoy your weekend.

Damn right

AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

The fattest cat in the world is dead. I don't even have a joke here. That cat is was enormous.

Here's a cool story about a guy with no legs. He has traveled the world, snapping photos of people staring at him. Be sure to check out the video. Watching him maneuver on his skateboard brings to mind the movie "Kids" where the presumably homeless guy is panhandling on the subway, singing "I have no legs."

Along the same lines of the "My New Haircut" video, we have hot chicks with douchebags.

Cockpits. Heh.

I got Netflix, and it's pretty much the greatest thing ever. So far I've seen The Hoax, A Scanner Darkly, and Wet Hot American Summer. All good. If you haven't seen Wet Hot American Summer, I highly recommend it. So fucking droll. Montage, bitches!


Ways to be annoying. Some of these are pretty funny and/or ridiculous. Some highlights:
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.
Grow a mustache and beard on only one side of your face.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.


Thats it, I'm going to go spread seeds throughout the land.

No excuse

It's been kind of a slow week. And by slow I mean I've only been in the office three days, limiting the amount of time I've spent on the world wide interwebs. So my usual cache of links is a little thin, but here we go anyway.

The big news is the first votes were finally cast in the presidential race -- Obama and Huckabee won in Iowa. Great headline from Fark: Obama to Hillary: Suck My Caucus. Here's an article about the Obama phenomenon from Rolling Stone political writer Matt Taibbi. Also of note, Huckabee is fucking insane. And here's what their victories might mean.

If that's all too serious for you, maybe this politician battle rap thread from Something Awful is more your cup of tea.

"Hearty Eaters" banned from buffet. No word on whether the restaurant was called the Fryin' Dutchman -- "Tis no man, 'tis a remorseless eating machine, Arr."

I am struggling to find anything interesting ... an asteroid might hit Mars? Whatever.

Uhh, how bout a video?


This post is dead to me.

What the Christ?

Earlier this week I voted for Stephen Colbert as AP celebrity of the year. Small perk to being the only one in my office technically savvy enough to figure out the online ballot. And he won. Kudos to me for voting in a contest none of my editors knew existed (Plus our paper only gets one vote). They probably would have voted for Miley Cyrus or something.

Apparently there is some sort of mortgage crisis. Fuck you, uh, banks! As long as I have beer, I could care less about the problems of the world. What? Noooooooo!

In sexy news around philly this week, CBS3 anchorslut Alycia Lane punched a cop in New York City, after uttering the immortal words "I don't give a fuck who you are, I'm a fucking TV reporter, you fucking dyke." Fantastic. As usual, Philadelphia Will Do is all over it. Also, here's a somewhat humorous and horribly slow loading breakdown of Lane v. last weeks scandalous hottie in Philadelphia news, Jocelyn Kirsch.

How to get smoke weed and stay out of jail. I already knew all of this.

An artist made flags of countries all profound and shit.

Someone made a Brasilian name generator. Mine is "Tson." I enjoyed putting in random conservative politicians' names. Ha ha, Reagaldo.

On Christmas Day be sure to remember the true story of Santa. Or Superman. Or something.


That's all I got, cause WE"RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

Old School

I got a couple things to round out the week. Taking a break from my constant vigil to determine the lowest gas prices within a 40-mile radius. I love data entry.

All the news around here right now is the Rittenhouse Grifters, the so-called "Bonnie and Clyde" of identity theft. The story has serious legs -- philly.com has been running it on their homepage all week. None of which has to do with the the fact that "Bonnie" is a hot 22-year old with fake tits.

In humorous Wisconsin news, we have this tale of a man looking for love.

For those of you looking for a cheap alternative to holiday shopping, consider shoplifting.

Dog-fighting? Fuck that. The Chinese do it right -- horse fighting.

Fuck terrorists, we have to watch out for emo kids with firearms. By Samuel L. Jackson.

If you are craving more stuff on The Wire, here's a blog solely dedicated to the show, Heaven and Here. Also, Thats on Point is discussing some of the smaller characters. In case you weren't aware, Cutty is the Man.

Finally -- a video about marijuana.



Oh yeah, and I saw No Country for Old Men yesterday. It was fucking amazing. Totally lived up to the hype. Most satisfying film I've seen in the theater in quite some time. Call it.

Oh the irony

For those of you on the lookout for new music, check out Hype Machine. It scours music blogs and finds mp3s that people have posted recently. Oh, and it's searchable. I found this band "MGMT" (pronounced "management") that I have been listening to quite a bit the past week. It's some sort of psychedelic disco punk space rock or some such. Time to Pretend is undoubtedly a great song.

Johnny Cash owns Chuck Norris. And thats before Norris became a shill for insane GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee.

Speaking of the GOP, anyone watch that Youtube debate earlier this week? I tuned in for the raw comic gold, then turned it off after the catfight between Mitt Romney and Rudy 9/11.

If you don't read the ridiculously profane Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo you are missing out. What? It's been going on all season? As always, you can count on the goat for timely links.

That's all I got, enjoy the death of freedom.

How do it feel to be high without drugs?

In regards to a couple commenters who have been asking for posts on various topics, I'll paraphrase Slug from Atmosphere: I have nothing but respect for my audience. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Yeah J-Roll won the MVP. Huzzah! Bask in his reflected glory white people!

Yeah I ride a fucking bicycle. What's it to you? I'm a communist (also poor), no real news there.

The reason I haven't had any posts up this week is I've been sick with some sort of flu-like virus. Coughing up yellow shit, breaking a sweat. Shaking like a leaf. But that's what I get, for pouring my own poison and throwing it back[dead prez].

That said, here's some links to consider while reveling in the knowledge of who Sweet Caroline (BAH BAH BAH) is.

The strangest disaster in the world. Sucks to be you, Africa.

Dammit Woman! Get me a beer or I'll shoot our goats! Ha ha. Wisconsin.

Here's five drinks that bartenders hate to make.

And finally, no fainting goats post is complete without a video.

It's a brave new world

I started a new job today, editing these daily local interwebs in earnest. Basically it just means I have to get up earlier than I have in nearly 6 years. No more Jim Beam fueled Wire marathons where I stay up until 4 am unfortunately(?). But it could benefit you, the three fainting goats' readers, because I can bang out all my work in about an hour and then spend the rest of my morning hours searching google images. That said, here's a much-delayed philler post, starting off with a quote from The Wire (Season 2) that I find amusing.

"Let me ask you something important. Do you like fake tits? I can't decide. Thus far undecided on fake tits."
-Horseface

I recommend you check out this site. Warning: May cause hallucinatory nightmares. If that kind of interactivity is too much for you, you are a square. But try this one out instead. It's G-rated and the creator probably wasn't on DMT. Although if you seriously do want to trip, go here. I can vouch for its effectiveness.

Ha ha. Crack!

You know where I look to determine financial trends? Jay-Z. Seriously.

On a serious note --Here's the story behind the famous Marlboro Marine photo. Two lives intertwined, etc. Happy belated Veterans Day!

If that wasn't sad enough for you, how bout this?

That's it I'm going to go cook myself some pancakes.

Run from the memories

Consider this a belated/shitty edition of the phriday philler. The last thing I want is the curse of TMoney* to ruin the Phils chances at the postseason.

The Saturday loss coupled with the Mets win has Phillies fans everywhere ringing their hands with great vigor. Suddenly the sure thing that was the Mets collapse does not seem so certain. The possibility of a the Phillies straight-up missing the playoffs (by one game again no less, I fucking called it) has everyone remembering so many failed attempts in years past. Chico Ruiz=Matt Chico. *shudder*

Ah well, best not to think about all that too much. No whammies. Here a few things I came across in the past couple days.

First, you may remember the UF "Don't tase me bro!" guy. And in the natural progression of life, somebody remixed that with MC Hammer. Of course they did.


Haha, monkeysphere. Pirate Monkey named Slappy, that's pure gold.

Remember even if your sports team loses, there is always after hours parties. That is if you aren't stuck in domestic bliss. In which case you can go shopping with your wife instead. Suckers.

OK that's it. I'm going to go root root root for the home team.

*There is no such thing as the curse of TMoney. Yet.

What the world needs now

Welcome to another edition of phriday philler, bitches. Hope you all enjoyed digging up your mother's corpse for the jewelry. Just keep telling yourself it's better than being married to Danny DeVito.

Did you know scientists discovered some sort of fungus living in the Chernobyl reactor this past spring that feeds on gamma radiation? I just hope they don't make it angry.

Freedarko has been keeping me wildly entertained this past week. Here's a passage from a recent post about the "stat wars":

Then, this Kirilenko situation. It's been like finding evidence of a furry dinosaur, or uncovering the tomb where Martians fell. Without resorting to any hyperbole, for there is no need for it in the hour of fulfillment: Andrei Kirilenko is the player of tomorrow. More than Garnett or Durant, he marks a turn in the game that is as material as it is conceptual or speculative.

Indeed. It's also true that Kirilenko is powered by radiation and was conceived in space by two cosmonauts.

Elsewhere in sports, Donovan McNabb provided the one of the best defense/explanation of his race remarks on his blog. Get it from the source, but keep it in context.

Maybe you heard about the blowback from MoveOn.org's "General Betray-us" ad in the New York Times. Well it all culminated in G-Dub calling the ad "disgusting" and Congress voting against it. Not really sure how you vote against an advertisement that has already appeared in a newpaper, but whatever. Not everyone is happy that those clowns in Washington are voting on irrelevant amendments while there is a fucking war on. And it may end well?

On a lighter note, the list-tacular cracked.com is always good to exponentially kill some time at work. For example their list of the 8 best webcomics was pretty good. Plus that list had the Perry Bible Fellowship, which is fucking ridiculous. Also this:

That's it for this week. Enjoy your weekend -- I'm will spend mine learning how to crank that.

Phriday Philler

Someday I will become a god among bros.


Heard rumors that The Wire is coming back on January 6. Finally, I have something to live for. Not sure how accurate that exact date is as I saw it in the comments section over at FreeDarko, but I'm going to go ahead and assume its true. Good stuff from the Washington Post, who was there on the final day of shooting. Gotta keep the devil down in the hole.

Speaking of freedarko, the latest post over there raises some interesting points. ie did you know the Shaq apparently is Muslim? Shocking that the NBA doesn't play that up more. Louis Farrakhan is widely accepted as mainstream by now right?

Gah its been a slow week and I'm fried. So here's a video of a dude lighting a firecracker in his mouth. He'd be stupid not too.



Later on kids -- I'm going to go rig up a homemade spoiler for my car. Enjoy the weekend.

Phriday Philler

Hey capitalists, judgement day is coming comrades! Your freewheeling days of lending money to people who are too poor to repay it will be the cause of your demise. Also, the bigger the rise, the harder the fall.

Impeach Dick Cheney. Or go to war with Iran. One or the other.


On a lighter note, you may recall classic simpsons where Homer eats the insanity pepper. You may remember the classic Sea Captain ending with its precious cargo of hot pants. Homer goes on a crazy trip after eating the pepper -- space coyotes, kicking tortoises, waking up on a golf course and "Sunrise! Sunset!" Well I came across this here page which is about 37x more enjoyable via remembering those particular Homer-hijinks. Just scroll your mouse up and down over the picture.



The Coen Brothers are coming out with a new movie. I think the street cred they have built up more than overcomes the subpar Ladykillers. Anyway, "No Country For Old Men" looks fucking amazing. You can check out the R-rated trailer here (requires age verification, but then again this blog is rated NC-17). Oh Woody Harrelson, you had me at bubonic plague.


That's it, I recommend you enjoy your Labor Day weekend by doing the puppet master.

Cooler Pants

J.D. Durbin is the best starting pitcher on the Phillies right now. There I said it.

Phriday Philler

After a two week absence we have another edition of Phriday Philler, where I hastily throw together some stupid crap I found online while drunk. Politics? Sports? Comedy? Who knows what you'll find!

In case you doubt the hatred of my corporate overlords, check out this blog. Granted you probably need to work for a JRC paper to truly appreciate the blog, but it is a surprisingly accurate depiction of the culture I work in every day. Yay! Takes me back to days like this one.

Check this out, it's some sort of miracle substance. But will it blend?

Hey, did you hear NFL training camps have started? It's true. To celebrate check out this list of action stars who you want leading a two minute drill. My vote is for Arnold from Predator.

Hrm. What else? An ancient lake trapped under antarctic ice? Sure why not.

And finally, I don't know how many others have been watching John from Cincinnati, but the season finale is on Sunday. It's what would happen if a mildly retarded Jesus entered a surf community south of San Diego. Or something. I am anxious to see if there are any answers coming. Thank god David Chase isn't involved. I guess the twin peaks comparisons are apt.

Thats all for now. I got a few things in the works that may or may not happen. Most badass fictional characters anyone? I call Jules. Enjoy your weekend.

Phriday Philler: I'm on vacation

You heard me. I am going on vacation starting today. No fainting goats updates from me until mid-next week at the earliest. Maybe someone else will post something, but I doubt it.

Before I leave, here are some links compiled over the past few weeks. A linkdump if you will.

First, children are all pussies. I recommend you punch the next toddler you see right in the face. Boom, bitch!

Moving on, we have this woman who lives in a tiny house. I want one of those. It'd be like living in my car, but better!

Lets break this up with a music video. Here we have Cold War Kids' performance on Jimmy Kimmel. Sure its no prog-metal noise, but hey I guess I'm getting soft in my old age. Go ahead and hang me out up to dry.


Next we have my personal hero, Didier Drogba, the soccer player who single-handedly almost ended a civil war. Is there anything he can't do? Men want to be him and women want to be with him.

You know who needs a hug? That gunman who was about to rob you and your family.

Haha, semen.

Oh yeah almost forgot, the Simpsons Movie comes out tommorrow. I'm sure I'll see it. And I'm sure it won't anywhere near as good as any of the episodes previously listed here. Although spiderpig still makes me laugh. The biting satire just hasn't been there for the past ten years or so. But if you doubt the Simpsons, here's some pretty good arguments that they are better than everything, ever. Seriously, try to imagine life with Homer et al. Try to try at least.

Well that's about it. I'll be in New York City by way of Atlantic City in the next few days. Perhaps I will riot after seeing Rage Against the Machine and Wu Tang. So long for now fatties!

Phriday Philler

All you sports fans out there, I gotta recommend former Deadspin weekend editor The Mighty MJD's daily column over at the FanHouse, dubbed The Debriefing. The dude is consistently hilarious. Be it his rip on ESPN's Who's now competition called "Who's Erstwhile" or simply referring to an NFL wideout as "240 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal" the guy brings it.

Anybody else watch Flight of the Conchords? It's kind of weird and the humor is pretty dry, but boy those Kiwis are hilarious. Do yourself a favor and go watch some of their videos. GINGER BALLS!

On a more hilariously sobering note, we have this tale of neocons on a cruise. Oh yeah, the muslims are coming you dumb motherfuckers, wait I better shut up, cause if I speak my mind I should be executed. It disturbs me that my roommate is one of these people. I can't wait til he gets home and tells me the latest from Colin "Shrutebag" Cowherd about how black people hate dogs. Grah. Also, along the same lines, there's this video about Generation Chickenhawk. Damn that one chick it pretty hot, too bad she's a fascist.


And finally, I don't know if you have heard, but the last Harry Potter book comes out tonight. I haven't actually read any of the books, but if I did I would definitely put on of these hilarious fake covers on it to hide my shame. Because only real men read "Memoirs of a Shark Fucker"

Well thats it for me. I'm going to go drown my troubles in a bottle of Jim Beam and watch Children of Men on repeat. FUN

Phriday Philler: Belated edition

Ahh well, its the end of the week, which means we gotta get some filler up here on the fainting goats. Here are some hastily written thought-nuggets, complete with linky goodness.

The old Nintendo8 got killed for some "administrative" reasons, whatever that means. Fortunately you can get all that NES 8-bit gaming you need at virtualnes. Personally I have been playing the original final fantasy, which due to a lack of a save function means my computer has been on for 8 days straight. Also, I'll probably update the links over there on the right someday. If I feel like it. While drunk.

Republicans racist? Nah ... I'm sure they all had the flu. When will these damn NAACP-types realize no one cares about black people, except for maybe Will Smith.

Hmmm, what else? Well this recently released trailer for Halo 3 gave me a chubby. Considering Halo is like my crack, I was pretty concerned after dr.gpiece said XBox 360s break a lot. Red ring of death you say? I'm pretty sure I'm still going to buy one and play it until it breaks, then send it back and start again. Thanks for the warranty extension Mr. Gates.

Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't make some comment about the Transformers movie, or as it should be called: The greatest film in the history of celluloid. That is what I want in a summer blockbuster. I take back everything bad I ever said about you Michael Bay. I was impressed with how much it stayed faithful to the original while updating it for today. Starscream is such an ass. Always failing Megatron. ARE YOU EBAY USER LADIESMAN217!?!

And yes, the JJ Abrams godzilla-like movie looks amazing.
See for yourself.

Phriday Philler

First we got this collection of some of the most influential photos of all time. Some serious thought-provoking stuff there. A warning though, some of its pretty intense.

And to lighten things up check out this webcomic about the crazy adventures of fruits and vegetables. I don't know what the point of it is, but it made me chuckle.

Lets see, what else? There's this video of a businessman going nuts in a hotel lobby. Can you say epic meltdown? I don't think he needs any more coffee, but you never know. Feel sorry for the woman who is trying to calm him down. Also it's probably fake.

Oh man that is fucking classic. What is with his SPELLING!

Thats it for now, I'll be back next week with more of the barely coherent blog posts you've come to know and tolerate.
IAN WHERE ARE YOU!

Phriday Philler

"I'm sick of hearing bout the haves and the have nots. Have some personal accountability. The biggest problem with the way that we've been doing things is the more we let you have the less that I'll be keeping for me."
-Nine Inch Nails, "Capital G"


First, I am a big fan the term no knock search warrant. In other words, inept SWAT team members who barely graduated from middle school fire tear gas into your house, set it on fire, kill a dog then laugh. Just standard procedure to get criminals off the street.

But hey, if you don't get served with a no knock warrant, maybe you want to fly on a plane. Just watch out for those too-friendly TSA screeners. Good times.

Finally, have this ridiculous email exchange between Judd Apatow (director of Knocked Up and 40-year-old virgin) and Mark Brazill (writer for That 70s show). Get cancer indeed.

Thats it, to get psyched for the weekend enjoy some Powerthirst.