Outta my way, I'm Durnk

So there was some Australian who got a DUI for passing out drunk a wheelchair. Uh, why was he taking a motorised wheelchair on the highway? Best not question it I suppose. But it got me thinking, what would be the best self-powered transportation in which to get/avoid a DUI? If I do need to get somewhere quick after a bottle of wine or two, what vehicle would be ideal? It certainly wouldn't be a tractor.

Bicycle
This is the most likely, like yesterday. Hopefully soon while wearing a gorilla suit.

Horse
This would only work if I knew how to ride a horse. Also, it would be good if it was my horse and lived at my house, so it knows where it's going. You ain't getting me on some random horse off the street, cause that's a recipe for a broken collar bone.

Aircraft
Ah the old drunken pilot, truly one of the world's great treasures. This would have to be some sort of ultralight device, and even then taking off and landing could be problematic. One of those big parachutes with the fan on the back would work. It's probably even legal to fly one of those without a license.

Rickshaw
For some reason I think it would be really fun to pick people up in a rickshaw while drunk. They think they're in for a nice human powered ride, then BAM they're stuck behind some drunken asshole wheeling them at high speeds through crowded city streets. Their only hope for escape is when the driver has to stop to water the bushes.

Monorail
Here's a token simpsons reference. Also, its on one rail, so it would be hard to screw up.


Badonkadonk (pictured above)
Like a tank, but without the gun. Clearly the best option. If only I had an extra 20K lying around. I know the PA system, plush interior, and external camera would come in handy for cruising.

Any other ideas? Hovercraft? Don't drink and drive.

Sick of being the guinea pig

Work-related realitosis combined with my getting tired of looking at screens has precluded posts this week, my bad. But I figured something needs to get tossed up here today, because chances are tomorrow there will be much screaming and tossing of monitors due to circumstances somewhat beyond my control.

Vague hostility aside -- as you may or may not know, the goats have a new roommate. It's been a bit of an upgrade over old Churchy McRepublican, especially in that the new guy isn't a total square who watches freaking CNBC. Nah, the new guy is more of the kind of person who goes into a bar and orders two chili dogs and a white russian. He doesn't even have a bed. The dude certainly abides.

But this new guy does have a Playstation 2, which complements the NES and the XBox well. On it we've been playing possibly the most ridiculous game ever to cross the pacific, Katamari Damacy. For the uninitiated, the basic premise is you roll this ball around, picking up progressively bigger objects. Surprisingly addictive. And there's a crazy and hilarious backstory involving the drunken King of the Cosmos destroying the universe or something. Check out this video, you'll see what I mean?


Awesome.

In other news, Zombies play kickball? Why wouldn't they.

Also, if anon could find some offhand hyperbole above to contradict, that would be great. Wish me luck.

I'm pro-union

via heyokay

A good mashup?

Figured it would be good to keep it going with the whole "posting about the same thing as everyone else in blogland" thing I got started on yesterday. But this time it's a bit less depressing than the death of a legendary comic (also, I'm kicking myself for choosing to post the euphemism bit rather than the one about stuff).

Moving on. The new hotness, in case you hadn't heard, is 'Feed the Animals' a new album from the club DJ Greg Gillis, more commonly known as Girl Talk (heh). Basically the guy takes a shitload of songs, mostly hip-hop and rock, and mashes them together in awesome ways. Ever wanted to hear the fierce drum part of Metallica's One combined with some Soulja Boy? You are in luck my friend.

Basically this is the nerdiest music ever, but still cool maybe (it's catchy at least -- and profane). Spotting the references is fun for the whole family, especially when it's a whiter shade of pale mixed with Lil' Jon. Or Eminem flows about getting fucked up combined with Yael Naim's "New Soul." Also, there's a bunch of Wu Tang. Wikipedia has it all in handy list format.

So go download this shit today and pay what you want. Cause chances are some douchebag may try and pull the rug out from under it via lawsuit, like what happened with Danger Mouse's Grey Album. Jerks.

Hilarity of despair

Ha ha, jokes about cripples and rape -- or should i say, the differently-abled and non-consensual intercourse. I don't know what those people who say George Carlin was bitter are talking about. He saw the society's shit and mocked it because it was stupid -- a true inspiration for the goats.

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

So long fella, hopefully now you're in a place with flamethrowers.

Boot to face, forever

The news around Philadelpia three or four cycles ago was this hippie/terrorist got detained or something while cops and city inspection crews stole his collection of booty call contacts. Who hasn't distributed anti-surveillance literature from a dilapidated North Philly former shoe store/current grow house? Not any respectable bearded California transplant, that's for sure.

The money quote that swings the whole situation comes from some cop who said: "They're a hate group. We're trying to drum up charges against them, but, unfortunately, we'll probably have to let them go."

This guy deserves a medal for spouting some message board material fit to unify Marxists and Paultards both. "Drum up charges" is the kind of buzz-phrase that gets any anti-authoritarians blood boiling, reputable source or no. This kind of thing makes plain to many simple minds that American neo-fascism is alive and thriving.

The tipping point has been crossed, as the Roots or Malcolm Gladwell might say. A man doesn't even have the freedom to run an illegal hedge-fund operation. The Keating Five wouldn't be regarded as heroes if they were around today.



But the internet, say some! Surely this vast hive mind of apes will prevent a police state from occurring! Like it's fucking magic. Just wait til this blogpost inspires the most vicious flamewar ever conceived, which then spills out into the streets. These ideas are like viruses infecting society, eventually leading to the holocaust of enlightenment, whatever that means.

Nope, everyone will soon leave their computers and make molotov cocktails. That Philly.com commenter who so wisely said: This whole story sounds odd. "Drum up charges..."??? Those three question marks mean this "bronzie" is ready -- are you? Remember, there are no idiots on the internet. Everyone has something coherent and important to add to the conversation. Reading for comprehension is elitist.

Of course, for every sarcastic blog paragraph there's two posts on domelights from some guy with a confederate flag avatar. Far be it from me to criticize a guy for trying to live by the code.

edit: Upon reflection I may have tried to shoehorn too many disparate ideas into this post for it to have any relevancy or pertinence. Sorry.

Forget ammunition

Working on a post that should be up later today or tomorrow. Until then enjoy this latest speech from John McCain, which is part of his new bid to be president of webcam whores.

Some music

Because I constantly need to validate of my taste in music by posting about it on this blog, here's something about two CDs that have been the rotation recently.

First up we have the self-titled first album from Santogold (aka Santi White). I prefer to call this album sparkle-vomit. Just look at that cover. You may have heard the song 'Creator' in commercials for some awful beer I've never had (Bud Light Lime). Also it was in the season finale of Entourage last year, which I know despite the fact that I hate that show, except for the one where they gamble on soccer with Dennis Hopper.

Anyway, where was I? Clearly the best song on the album is LES Artistes. It's a good example of how this album crosses genres. Everything I just read says its kind of like MIA but less world-music and more 80s. Wikipedia compares her to the Pixies for some reason (Lights out?). I can see similarities to Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) or Debbie Harry more clearly. Also she's from Philly, and used to be in a punk/ska band, so there's that.

Pretentious quote from Pitchfork: "She's a consummate pop songwriter. Santogold might try to separate formula and art, but her album catches fire when she blasts that distinction into irrelevance."

Here's the video for LES Artistes.

Weird.


Secondly we have something that's just a wee bit different: Low's eighth album Drums and Guns. The Duluth, Minn. indie threesome has been around since 1993, although it looks like they have run through a couple different bassists, if the internets are to be believed. Also the two longtime members are married to each other and are Mormons for some reason.

This album is sparse, marked by minimal arrangements and lots of harmony. The sound is described by some as "slowcore" but obviously the band hates that term. The fuzzy organs and drum loops don't make it easy to get into this on the first listen. I'd say the most accessible song is probably 'Murderer'.

Pitchfork Pretention: The original EP from which "Murderer" was taken was Low at their most stark and dramatic; this version stands up ably to the first (as opposed to the unfortunate recut of "Silver Rider" from Great Destroyer), adding an insistent 4/4 bass pulse as well as a subtle guitar loop that works as an effective earworm, and a martial drumbeat that underlines the lyrics and serves the album's theme.

Yeah, here's a video of the song Breaker.

This is what happens

As you can probably tell from the horrified screams -- feeble old men have desecrated some giant statue of Jesus(probably). When will the church admit it's unsafe and ill-advised to trust the elderly with such important tasks as, uh, carrying stuff? Stop lying to yourself, pope.

Seems unnatural

Hey hey, it's Friday. Let's see if I can score a few salient points before peacing out to go meet this dude in a parking lot who is selling me an NES complete with light gun and powerpad. Which I will then somehow transport several miles by bike. Moving on.

First a few political notes:
O Kucinich, my Kucinich
The wee neo-commie congressman with the hot redhead wife spent a good 5 hours reading impeachment articles against Bush earlier this week, despite Nancy Pelosi's constant "shhhing" in the background. Apparently impeaching the president could be "divisive" and hurt Obama's chances to win the white house. Whatever. I think it might be funny to watch the right-wing hate machine attempt to spin impeachment into a positive. Although it'd probably just be more of the same "this encourages terror" garbage. It also should be noted that Kucinich gets virtually no media coverage outside the intranets. Likely because everyone is too preoccupied with Obama giving his baby momma a terrorist fist jab.

Gitmo? I hardly even know her!
The supreme court ruled that detainees at everyone's favorite prison camp due have the right to habeaus corpus and can challenge their detainment. Check it out, everyone loves reading legal documents (PDF). The reactions from both sides of the aisle are predictable, with lefties lauding the decision and right-wingers calling for more battlefield executions.

Obama must reach out to racist voters
Exactly that.

OK enough of that political mumbo-jumbo, here's some lighter fare.

Yes that office freakout video posted last week was a fake. It was somehow a promotion for the upcoming probably awful actioner, "Wanted." Why do you keep lying to us internet?

The New York times recently took a foodie tour of ballparks. Prominently featured are both the Phillies' and the Giants' stadiums. The only observation I'll offer is that the Schmitter is possibly the best sandwich ever, and somehow more unhealthy than a cheesesteak.

"Unicorn" found in Italian park. No word on whether or not it is going to candy mountain.

There may have been a link to passive aggressive notes here before, but whatever. I particularly enjoy the one at the truck stop in Wisconsin that points out that people must purchase their porn before taking it into the bathroom.

Finally a video of, well, I'm not exactly sure what it is supposed to be. Those crazy Japanese, and their men dressed up as dancing fish.


That's it, enjoy the pterodactyl (nsfw).

What's your beef, Korea?

That there photo on the right isn't Times Square on New Years Eve, it's from a South Korean protest that went down yesterday. Looking at that photo one may wonder what the hell all those Koreans are pissed about: Perhaps North Korea is testing nukes again? The war in Iraq? Prostitution? China? Ha ha nope, they are protesting their government's decision to again allow the import of US beef of course.

Keep in mind the meat is perfectly safe. These cows are only modified to taste good. There are no other effects, ever. In no way are they being injected with enormous amounts of cancer-causing steroids or anything like that. Plus many of these slaughtered cows are descendents of cloned superbulls. Superbulls genetically engineered to make succulent, juicy steaks. There is no downside when you take the best genetic version of a species and create thousands of copies of it.

But apparently our cloned cows aren't good enough for Koreans, everyone of whom eats six dogs everyday. These yellow bastards better mind their Western masters. Who saved their ass in Korea? If it wasn't for my grandfather, they'd all be speaking Chinese. And even if our meat chemicals seep into the Seoul water supply, they won't create some sort of biohazard monster that eats people and vomits up their bones, as depicted in the popular 2006 cinematic release "The Host." Such a scenario is implausible at best, it's science.

Frankly, this disrespect and lack of faith shown to us Americans by our South Korean brothers is disappointing. We all know the corporations known by few as "Big Meat" only have the interests of the eater at heart. They certainly would not put out an unsafe or untested product, just to make a quick buck. Corporate culture has a long history of looking out for consumers and avoiding the easy fix. If you can't trust Big Meat, who can you trust?

And yet these protesters dare challenge this president "Mr Lee" who so bravely reopened the meat corridor between our two nations. For shame. A more productive use of their time would be to light themselves on fire, eat a flag or possibly rip apart a pig. Better recognize, or it's gonna be mass executions all over again, this time via tainted meat.

I'm voting Republican

This is simplistic, yet awesome.

The latest in Wisconsin flood news

I saved my fish from the flood!

Those of you who watch cable news have undoubtedly heard about the horrible threat posed to small towns on the Kickapoo(!) River in our nation's cheese and beer basket. Gays Mills(!) is on the brink of collapse after a second flash flood in the past year. Just another of example of God hating the Gays (Mills).

But seriously, whoever had "podunk Midwestern towns" as one of the first American casualties of global warming, steal yourself a gallon of gas. Apologies to disappearing islands, but if this isn't the canary in the mineshaft, what the hell will be? Dennis Quaid doesn't give a shit about Platteville, and it's full of fat white people.

Its doubtful many of these jerks who just lost their homes for the second time in a year even understand/believe in the underlying cause of their problems. According to an ill-informed op-ed I just read, global warming is actually a world-wide commie plot to ... actually its diabolical goals are unclear. But watch out, the op-ed did make clear that those fucking leftists and their shifty-eyed baby-eating ways cannot be trusted.

It seems like people think that weather patterns around the globe are not connected in any way, shape or form. These increasing numbers of isolated severe weather incidents remain just that, separate and devoid of correlation. It's hot as hell here, but it's raining in other places! It's impossible to determine the true nature of nature! Al Gore!

To recap

From Slate, via Wonkette.

Awesome! Black bars!

Yeah you probably shouldn't watch this at work. Unless you work at the censorship office, in which case it could be used as some sort of training aid.

The band is Brighton Port Authority, the song is Toe Jam. It features David Byrne (Talking Heads) and Dizzee Rascal.

edit: It seems Brighton Port Authority is a pseudonym/band for Fatboy Slim, which really isn't so surprising considering the history of interesting videos.

Septa sucks

Sometimes a man faces trials in life -- be it making a better life for his family, or finding the perfect job, or just searching for some sort of meaning in this vast sea of shit we call America. This past weekend I undertook such a trial, by traveling to a bike race on public transportation.

Yes, getting around the Philadelphia area on SEPTA leaves a bit to be desired. The fuck is a regional rail anyway? What seems to be the simple task of getting from West Chester to Manayunk -- "Manjunk" to those in the know -- instead proves to be both excessively time-consuming and confusing. I made this chart to illustrate.



As you can see, there is no direct route between Manayunk (depicted by bikers and drunks holding bottles, one of whom is about to get run over) and West Chester. Doesn't SEPTA realize there is a veritable goldmine of entitled ex-frat boys and sorostitutes dying to travel between two of the major Delaware Valley party hubs or something? These are not the types to make 3 transfers to get to their destination, including one in West Philly (Swank Bar anyone?).

I guess this is where the glories of the automobile are made plain. A 45 minute drive is a bit more palatable than hours on buses and trains. But in this post-$4/gallon world, adjustments should be made. Unfortunately, looking to SEPTA for innovation and problem-solving is like asking the "blue-collar whites" to vote for Obama. You're likely to get all kinds of ill-thought excuses and lies framed in hostility.

God how I miss the el. My list of cities with better public transit than Philly reads like a list of every city I've ever visited or lived in, except for LA. Even Denver was better. But you work with what you got. When you need to get to a place where open container laws are openly mocked, a mardi gras without the beads, you suck it up and ride the bus for three hours.

Everything happens for a reason

Who hits two triples in one game? VICTORINO

Despite my current inherent illness, anytime the Flyin Hawaiian throws out a Brave to win in the 10th, something is gonna get posted.

Even if it is just the Pearl Harbor of the Bike-Car war and links to drunken pigs.

That's the last time you put a knife in me

Saw Darjeeling Limited the other day -- it was OK, probably my "least" favorite Wes Anderson movie. Still liked it though. Poisonous snakes are hilarious.

But it got me thinking: Hey, a post about Wes Anderson movies might be warranted. And then today I couldn't think of anything else to write about. So let's put on some David Bowie in Portuguese and take a morosely hilarious look at his filmography, possibly while seeking parental approval as an adult and getting involved in some bizarre romantic entanglements.

First off, Martin Scorsese chose him as the next Martin Scorsese, a piece of trivia that amuses me for some reason. His name certainly belongs on the list of young filmmakers that got started in the past decade or so. Off the top of my head let's throw out David O. Russell, Paul Thomas Anderson, Darren Aronofsky, and of course McG.

Anderson's movies certainly hold their own with the likes of Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, if not Boogie Nights. Lets run 'em down list-style. After all, what is the internet without arbitrary rankings?
1. Royal Tenenbaums
2. Life Aquatic
3. Rushmore
4. Bottle Rocket
5. Darjeeling Limited/Hotel Chevalier

Not sure why I think Tenenbaum's is my favorite, possibly the scene where the priest gets knocked down the stairs. More likely the reason is Gene Hackman as the total ass Royal. Constantly reminding his daughter she's adopted? Comic gold. I could recite quotes from this movie all day. Also, Owen Wilson has never been better than he is here as the mescaline-addicted(?) Eli Cash. Please stop belittling me.

Life Aquatic may be a little high here, just like Bill Murray is throughout the film. Steve Zissou really is pretty much Royal Tenenbaum on a boat. But the stop motion fish and the gunfight are surprisingly funny. Also Klaus. And I'll take that last scene over just about any other movie ever.


/slow motion

See the strings that control the system

What has to be the longest presidential campaign is finally over. Well, not "over" per say, but we at least know who the two final candidates will be. Unless one of them dies. You know, because second wave feminists are racist sharpshooters and McCain has cancer.

Nah, that's just the cynicism talking. Now we can "look forward" to "news articles" containing assorted contrived storylines pre-decided by the black liberal elite and war profiteers. These narratives will likely be so annoying by November you won't vote out of spite. At least I know I will. Or won't. Writing is hard.

Anyway, the most obvious storyline is how historic this election is. You see Obama is historically black, and McCain is historically old. Have no doubts that no matter what happens, it will be historic. Oh yes this election will go down in history as one of the most historic elections in the history of elections.

I was just reading the AP roundup story, and Ed Rendell was quoted as saying "I am the last of the Mohicans" for some reason. Apparently my governor is a big fan of Daniel Day Lewis. I look forward to more stupid quotes. Perhaps something about drinking Obama's milkshake? Terrible.

I just wish the good doctor was still around to see this.

Rage

Is it bad that I'm extremely envious of this guy? Also, sorry about the Limp Bizkit.

Trees

Did you see the MTV Movie awards last night? Neither did I for the most part. Fucking Shills. But there was one part where Seth Rogen and James Franco smoked weed on stage (shilling for Pineapple Express of course). Or maybe it was fake weed. Robert Downey Jr. was confused.

But really, who cares about summer movie season when our brave troops are soldiering through fields of deadly ganja in Afghanistan. Drugs are bad.

Two things

Blogger is being a little bitch today, so we'll see if this works. I went golfing yesterday, shot a smooth 140. At least I didn't lose my ball like this girl. That link is horribly unsafe for work.

And in case you missed it -- the new book club is going to be "Snow Crash" by Neal Stephenson. It's the tale of Hiro Protagonist, a freelance hacker living in the not too distant future. I wanted to do Stephenson's "Cryptonomicon" but its like 1000 pages long, and has a bit too much math for the goats. Also, "Master and Margerita" is waiting in the wings -- chances are I may start reading that before snow crash is done.

It ain't me

The other week I biked over to the train station for assorted reasons. As I was riding in, some hysterical girl flagged me down. She wanted me to call her phone which she had lost in her car. I found it amusing that she blamed her Subaru WRX for "taking" her phone. Which she eventually located under a speaker box in the trunk. If the humor escapes you, imagine me flailing my arms about and crying "Stupid phone! Fucking car! Waaaaahh!" in a high-pitched voice.

My point, you ask? Well this chick apparently felt she was entitled to have her phone not magically flee her clutches into the trunk while she wasn't looking. No doubt she gets all A's (I assume she is a college student). Maybe I'm being callous. It's the makings of societal failure when people don't learn how to take care of their own shit by the time they are grown. I guess it could be argued that the very definition of 'grown' is when you learn to take care of yourself, but whatever the fuck ever Carl Contrarian.


From "helicopter parents" to "the nanny state" it seems there are all kinds of catchy phrases moving us toward excess sheltering. Some other college kid came to an interview here the other day with their mom. Seems unnecessary, but they were hired to work as an unpaid intern at arguably the dyingist company in the whole newspaper industry. The only thing worse than young people who think the world owes them something is old people who think the world owes them something. I'm looking at you, me generation. We deserve for you to not fuck shit up too much.

One would think that as you age you tend to get more experience. And, in turn, learn from this experience. Trip over a root, then watch where you are going while walking in a forest. It's an advanced concept. But it seems that learning from mistakes is becoming a lost art. Failure is not as bad as you think. Sometimes it's necessary in order to survive. Not everyone can be an astronaut.


Probably the most frustrating part of this entitlement nonsense is the increasing lack of personal responsibility. Guess what kids, your actions have consequences. Just because a celebrity does something on TV doesn't make it OK. You may find it preferable to think you operate in some sort of vacuum, that the rules don't apply to you. But that just makes for a rude awakening when you weigh 400 pounds after eating too much everyday or get fired for posting on a personal blog when you are supposed to be working.

FGBC: World War Z

Here's a quick hit installment of the book club -- regarding to World War Z, by Max Brooks. It's a pretty quick read. I know some have voiced their displeasure toward Brooks' previous 'Zombie Survival Guide' but this is somewhat enjoyable, if not 'good'.

The narrative takes the form of interviews -- the author talks to survivors about their experiences during the so-called Zombie War. It's an interesting style that I think adds to the book. Rather than get bogged down in one individual story, you get a broader picture of how people are dealing with the living dead the world over.

It's largely brainless (Maybe a zombie ate it. ZING), and sometimes Brooks gets hung up stupid details. But other times the details add to the story, like how the American soldiers get psyched for battle by listening to Iron Maiden. The 'Great Panic' chapter is pretty solid with its hopeless downfall of humanity and all that.

I think the best parts of this book are when the character's stories offer veiled comment on modern day issues like energy policy and environmentalism. And no, I can't think of specific examples. But the part about the Japanese guy blinded at Hiroshima finally finding his true purpose by killing the undead may have something to do with it.

Bottom line, if you like stories about zombies, you will probably enjoy this book. It's a good one for the beach. Goats grade: B minus.

When keeping it real goes wrong

Apparently the president is now taking cues from Paul Pierce and/or other ballers of baskets. Hopefully we can look forward to him taunting the president of Iran by doing the old 'proudly display your jersey by holding it out in front of you' move. Sound diplomacy.

Road trip: NYC

As you may or may not know, the goats took a trip over the weekend to the biggest of apples, New York City. Here are a few things learned while wondering why Philadelphia's public transit system sucks so bad.

- Memorial Day is a great time to visit the city, as long as you avoid the tourist areas. A lot of native New Yorkers are out of town, which means you can actually find a place to sit at Union Square or on the 6 train.

- The "Chinatown bus" is a revelation. I guess eastcoast city dwellers have known about it for years, but I come late to every party. In summary: Only costs 10 dollars, runs every hour, and they let you toss your bike underneath. Plus you get the bonus of watching an old man complain about the service to the chinese woman behind the counter, to which she responds, "Is how I talk." I'm going to go out on a limb and say this the best way to get from Philly to New York (and possibly DC), until they finally invent hoverbikes.

- Speaking of bikes, getting around the city is pretty fun on them. Except when you wreck. But a knee scrape can easily be mended with a field dressing, as long as you have a roll of duct tape and a feminine pad.


- You can find some randomly interesting places. We went to a bar/coffee shop called Goodbye Blue Monday in Bushwick, Brooklyn. The only reason we went to this place was because my host happens to live in Bushwick, which is a bit of a departure from say, anywhere in Manhattan, or even Williamsburg.
The bar was awesome though: thousands of pieces of kitchy crap on the walls (hey look at the creepy gasmasks/doll sculptures), a small selection of beers served from a fridge that would be more at home in your kitchen, good live music, internet access, and a garden in back where people may or may not smoke chronic. Not to mention the clientèle of anorexic hipsters served by tranny bartenders. Also: there was a dog in the bar that was fun to pet.

- Coney Island beach is actually pretty nice. But the amusement park is a bit overwhelming.

That's it for now, I gotta go look at the New York board on journalismjobs.com.

Laters

Yeah I'm heading out of town for the holiday weekend, and I'm too lazy to put anything together/look for links. So here is a collection of videos for your possible enjoyment.

I have watched this at least 20 times since I saw it on Deadspin yesterday.


Coldplay is an underrated band?


There are racists in Kentucky and they won't vote for a black man for president. Shocking, really. This report is from noted terrorists Al-Jazeera.


That's it. Peace.

Mysterious glowing cradles

Finished watching the first season of Battlestar Galactica yesterday (I keep on top of the latest trends) and figured this would be a good a time as any to give a little rundown of the reasons why I enjoy it so. Besides sexy robots of course.

It's post-apocalyptic
The premise is that mankind has been reduced to some 40,000 in number, fleeing for their lives through space from an enemy (the cylons) they themselves created. You want a planet nuked, take Caprica -- where some are left behind. One scene that sticks out is when Boomer and Helio are forced to land and then hold the refugees off at gunpoint. And one of the crew members makes the sacrifice to stay behind and save one of the great human minds, who just happens to be the next reason this show rules.

Gaius Baltar
Oh this little bastard. It's hard to decide what his deal is. On one hand, he pretty much caused the death of the human race. On the other hand, he amuses me. His relationship with a cylon is hilariously ambiguous. Is what he sees generated by his subconscious, or did they plant a chip in his brain? I think the idea that he killed the human race made him crazy, enabling him to have invisible air-sex with a robot who nobody else can see. That probably only makes sense if you watch the show. Watch him uncomfortably squirm out of situations!

Religion

One of the biggest parts of the series, it is a major part of the plot (the search for mythical earth). The president has visions that were predicted in religious texts. It's also interesting that the cylons believe in the "one true god" while humans are polytheistic -- thus the cylons religion is far closer to those prevalent in the real world today.

The nature of humanity/ethical questions
In one episode, the humans capture a cylon and torture the shit out of it. Is it OK because its only a cylon? Answer: Probably, that cylon model is a jerk. This is just one example. There's another subplot with a terrorist who is running for president and all kinds of other plotlines that deal with complex ethical issues and the nature of man in space. No moreso is this true than when Adama stages a military coup and takes the president into custody in the final episode of season one. Speaking of which:

Edward James Almos
His gravelly-voiced Commander Adama is one of the most well-developed characters on television, if not this show. That is to say, there are tons of well-developed characters throughout the show, including women!

Green Booze
Everybody gets periodically shit-faced on something called Ambrosia, especially Colonel Tigh when he has a cup in his hand.

The use of the word frak
It's like some new f word or something.


Cliffhangers
The plot is full of them. The bonus to watching this series on DVD after the fact is you don't have to wait through commercial breaks, or weeks between episodes, or months between seasons. I anxiously await the arrival of season two in my mailbox.


That's about all I can come up with right now, cause I am distracted by the thoughts of sweet cylon love.

That doesn't even make sense

It seems I blew my blog wad (ed note: Terrible) with my post yesterday about the wind power fallacy and T. Boone Pickens. So if you crave internet sustenance, check out a few of the links over there on the right. Or porn, whatever you think is best.

Windmills do not work that way

Came across this article about how wind farms are 'quietly spreading' throughout the United States. Sounds ominous to me. Why are these windmills sneaking around? If these Dutch-descended monstrosities honestly wanted to provide clean electricity, create tax revenue and generate jobs they would not be so quiet. Their builders would be touting the benefits from the top of some sort of tall structure, possibly with a turbine attached.

According to that article only one percent of U.S. energy comes from wind. Personally I'd like to keep it that way, or even decrease our dependence on foreign-generated breezes. That's right, where do you think this wind comes from? Certainly not out of thin air. No, millions of Chinamen are exhaling this very minute to create this precious 'renewable resource.' It won't be so renewable when they hold their breath for five minutes. Do we really want our power capabilities beholden to the whims of some jerks on the other side of the world? Seems risky.

But experts say that we could see 20 percent of U.S. power coming from wind in 20 years. And thousands of turbines are being constructed as you read this. Where's the foresight? Wind is unpredictable. What if it reverses direction and begins sucking the energy OUT of the power grid. Didn't think of that, did you, you eco-bastards. Relying on the natural processes for power, it's just nonsense. Next you'll be saying air should power our cars. What? Oh now you've gone too far.

Not to mention this zephyr pyramid scheme will put millions of American farmers out of work. What happened to ethanol, the most successful and environmentally friendly alternate energy choice ever conceived? A few Marxists cry 'third world food riots' or 'dwindling corn supplies' and moving air becomes the answer? You can't even see it. It's invisible (and thus, inherently unreliable) unless you have some sort of wind detection device, like a flag.

Even 'legendary oil man' T. Boone Pickens as turned turncoat. You may remember his philanthropic efforts to buy Oklahoma State and end the science curriculum there. Now he is betraying everything he stands for by supporting this blowing menace. And the list of betrayers doesn't end there, even probably insane presidential candidate John 'Walnuts' McCain and his army of babies has been romanced by the thought of electricity by the gust.

If you doubt the deadly threat posed by wind power, watch this chilling video and you may just change your mind.

Obamastock 2008

Sometime on Friday between heckling Kevin Mench into leaving the game (he was replaced by the unheckle-able Shannon Stewart) and observing naked women at 7th Heaven me and a few mates (I'm Australian now) were having a discussion about Barack Obama. You know what they say: Nothing goes with strippers and baseball like a frank and drunken discussion about politics.

I was pretty well shit-faced at that point but I do remember having to defend the hope-monger's black ass against criticisms along the lines of "you think the blue-collar dems will vote for him" and "he'll get assassinated." I'm paraphrasing, but I think you get the thinly-veiled racist point. I forget what my response was, probably something about Kaiser Wilhelm or Chairman Mao. I don't know what that means.



That photo there is from an Obama rally where 75,000 godless heathens in Portland gathered on the banks of the Willamette River on Sunday. And it is also going to be my response to any criticisms of our next president from this point forward. People want leadership. They want someone to tell them what's up and not just in hippie-havens like Oregon.

Report: Killer Used Twine

We've crossed some sort of tipping point here, the number 1 referrer is a GIS for the smoking crab that got linked a while back.

And here's some stuff to entertain the literally dozens of people who come here each week from google searches for 'fainting goats videos' or 'buy fainting goats' and instead find terrible non sequiturs and inside jokes.

A blog about ways people are spending their stimulus checks. Kind of entertaining. With all apologies to the guy who spent it on a 'reliable pistol' my favorite after looking for 5 minutes is this one.

This guy is my hero.

It's a constant conundrum that no one cares about as to whether I'm a part of Generation X or a Millennial. They say that 1981 is the dividing year. I need to know what side I'm on.

Here's a preview of a little search plugin for your browser that lets you look at all the search engines at the same time. I like it cause I can find and post copyrighted images 36 percent faster. Elsewhere in computer stuff, you can download a free PDF guide to photoshop until June 13.

Let's see a video here -- new one from Flight of the Conchords. Ladies do love roller skates.


Hrm, how bout some lists? The 18 most insane journeys is pretty interesting. Kind of. Here's a list of 100 books men should read. Don't worry, Blood Meridian is on page 2.

And finally, fat people are cause of all the world's problems.

That's it, I'm going to go remove your ability to post anonymous comments. Enjoy your weekend.

Contains yelling

Context: Bush compared Obama to Neville Chamberlain (Nazi Appeaser!) today in Israel.

Annnnndd, go

I never liked King of Queens.

I am Jack's twisted sense of self-satisfaction

My car broke. Something with the gearbox and/or clutch -- the shifter is just loose and won't go into any particular gear. Given the circumstances -- busted windshield, check engine light that comes on when it feels like, assorted dents and dings, nearly 200,000 miles -- I am convinced that it's time to put the old Saturn out to pasture. It's been serviceable.

Now normally(?) I would be immediately searching for a new set of wheels, perhaps even something with power steering. Given the current climate of ridiculously expensive gas and habitat walk-ability (among other factors) I'm not really in much of hurry to get back on the road. In fact, I may try the car-free lifestyle as long as possible. It will get easier with time.

About these other factors that, uh, factor into my attempts to go car-free. I was reading this article the other day. It's basically about how people can make major changes and quick if they want to preserve a planet similar to that on which civilization developed. It is tempting to say: The hell with this global warming garbage. Why should I change, I don't live on the coast. Warm weather sounds nice. Other things. But these strike me as horribly selfish and Western ways to think. One million dead South Asians can't be wrong.


The point is that everyone needs to do whatever they can RIGHT NOW to avert a global disaster the likes of which we haven't seen since Dennis Quaid walked many miles through the snow. And since I ain't about to cut my home-energy use, going carless seems like the most prudent way to go about it. I am an American. Plus the public transportation system around here is awesome SEPTA. So it will take more work and effort to do certain things like go to the Phillies game on Friday.

But what are we if not problem solvers? There are non-pecuniary benefits to not owning a car. When your feet and body are your main means of transportation, taking care of yourself becomes a priority. Not having a car is the reason I will bike 10 3.5 miles a day. Carrying a case of beer four blocks is more satisfying than road rage. Also there is a nagging suspicion that apes driving is unnatural. The car was a great invention in 1930, before peak oil.

Only when you lose something do you understand how much you use it as a crutch. Driving everywhere has been part of Americana for the past 50 years, and look where that's gotten us. The ability to carry great weights at high speeds has become an unalienable right for everyone, no matter how fat they are. This culture doesn't deserve free time if it's going to be spent this way.

Thousands dead, but lets focus on what's really important

Undoubtedly by now you have heard about this huge earthquake in China. Whatever, they got like a billion people. They'll probably be ok. Except for the thousands dead and injured. Hopefully they were mostly women. Get it? Cause the Chineses are known to go for infanticide in regards to female babies. Inappropriate.

No the real news, at least in regards to this blog, is of course pandas.

CHENGDU, China (AP) -- All the pandas at the world's most famous panda preserve were reported safe late Tuesday, more than a day after China's worst earthquake in three decades closed off the remote, mountainous area.

The Wolong National Nature Reserve and panda breeding center is the only place in the world where the rare animals can be seen in such large numbers. But Chinese officials and zoo officials overseas had worried about the fate of the center's 86 pandas since Monday's devastating earthquake rattled nearby areas in central Sichuan province.

Late Tuesday, officials at Wolong used a satellite phone to contact the State Forestry Administration and report that the pandas were safe, the official Xinhua News Agency said. It said all panda cubs had been taken to safety.

I know I'm resting easy now knowing that the panda cubs have been taken to safety.

Angry is funny

You probably heard about the Bill O'Reilly rage tape that pooped up earlier this week. Hilarious.

But what's more hilarious is Colbert's take on it.


edit: Reeeeeeeeeemix

Alls well that ends well

Finally finished Blood Meridian, and figured it would be a good time to bring back the old book club, if only for one week. Not so ambiguous ending aside, that book one of the best pieces of fiction I've ever read, and not just because of the violence.

Well, mostly because of the violence. Judge Holden is terrifying and one of the most interesting characters ever. His resume off the top of my head:
-Spiritual leader of the Glanton Gang
-Tall, hairless
-Expert in war theory
-Can make gunpowder in a pinch
-Fiddler
-Literally records and destroys history
-Babykiller
-Possibly immortal/Says he will never die

I don't want to think about what exactly happened to the Kid. That final scene is pretty disturbing -- the judge embraces him in his "immense and terrible flesh" and then goes and dances forever. And why did they have to kill the dancing bear? It never hurt anyone.

I still think my favorite part is when the Judge says that bird's freedom is an insult to him, and that he would have them all in zoos. To which someone responds that would be a hell of a zoo, and the Judge agrees.

Whether the Judge is an angel of death, a demon or what is hard to say. I just read an essay that said he is like Moby Dick, and another that says he is a gnostic archon, or "creator god" that stands between man and the all-powerful God that can be reached through spiritual knowledge. This does comply with the many conversations the Judge has with the gang.

One last thought -- the book can be a slog to get through. The excessive violence, immense vocabulary, and almost Faulknerian writing style all meant I had to take a couple breaks for some lighter fare. But it also means I am going to read it again.

This is necessary

Came across this video, apparently these are what you might call 'gutta turtles' whatever the fuck that means. I think it may have something to do with that awful 'Fireman' song. In possibly related news, the other day I heard that 'Rockstar' song by Nickelback for the first time and thought it was a great piece of satire. Further research is needed.

Quoth urban dictionary "Gutta: Str8^ gangsta. Too gangsta for most gangstas to handle." Yes indeed those turtles be gutta. Fucking Christ. I think I just had a stroke.

Lil' Wayne ... turtle's downfall ... crumbling infrastructure ... beverly hills chihuahua ... morons ... dancing bears ... precious bodily fluids.

Expect no future

"You know Omar ain't never put his gun on no citizen."
-Omar Little

For those of you unaware (ie, don't live near Philly) some bank robbers killed a cop here last weekend. It got me thinking, and not just about how this death has "rocked the city" according to various news outlets that show 2 hours of live funeral coverage. I don't feel rocked, but then again, I don't live in the city -- perhaps one of my urban readers could shed some light on how rocked they are.

But that's neither here nor there. What this really got me thinking about is how some lives are worth more than others. When 1 cop killed warrants 5 straight days of front page above the fold coverage in a city with 300+ murders a year, something seems a little off. Maybe it's just me, I do hate cops. What with with their brutality and mustaches and all.

Working in the news business the varying value of life becomes apparent through stupid editorial decisions and resulting community outrage. People care more about some lives than others, its only natural. The basic formula I just came up with goes like this: 1 local cop=1.2 blond white girls=2 racehorses/police dogs=6 area black men=1,000 Arabs in the Middle East=40,000 rice-paddy dwelling South Asians. Probably not to scale but it gives you an idea.



I just wonder what it means when a local cop killing (tragic as it is) warrants death of a president-type media coverage. I do realize cops, like presidents, are above the law at this point, but this coverage is almost pornographic in its glare. Of course public servants deserve all the accolades in the world. He gave his life protecting you and your children from the bad guys. Meanwhile, a thousand people in a thousand different places else mourn a brother, mother, son or daughter. People die, loved ones mourn.

Why should people care about a bunch of people in Myanmar (Myanmarians?) more than their beloved Aunt Betsy? They shouldn't. It makes innate sense and is better for the mental health to invest more emotionally in those people within one's own sphere of influence than a bunch of jerks dying of thirst in a jungle on the other side of the world. Best not dwell on that which you cannot control, and focus on that which you can.

Beware French gangs

Yeah, yeah, it's a music video ... for the French techno band Justice. You expected Daft Punk?

But music video or no, keeping alert for roving gangs wearing matching jackets behooves you, especially while visiting France. Sound advice me thinks.

Giving fans the slip

Sorry for that headline. The new Nine Inch Nails album dropped out of nowhere yesterday. Called "The Slip" it can be downloaded for free at nin.com. Much like the 4-volume instrumental Ghosts I-IV that became available in March, there was no warning or advance press.

You can get it in any one of four formats -- mp3, flac or Apple lossless, and super high quality WAV files. All you need is a valid e-mail address. The mp3 files are streamed, all the rest come as torrents.

There is a note on the web site from Reznor saying "Thank you for your continued and loyal support over the years — this one's on me." It's also got the old Creative Commons license, which means anyone can remix or use it anyway they want as long as they give credit. The web site encourages people to give it to their friends.

As far as the music itself -- it's pretty standard nin fare, at least since With Teeth. Hard rock/electronic beats, haunting piano ballads, along with the typical damn the man type lyrics.

Crazy how once Nine Inch Nails gets out from under a record label they release 5 albums in 3 months. No more waiting 5 years like between Downward Spiral and The Fragile that's for sure.

On Heckling

It's well documented that Philadelphia sports fans are horrible people. We are, by all accounts, drunken louts who get our jollies throwing rocks at grandmas and making fun of the fat and differently-abled. Not to mention the ubiquitous 'Booing Santa Claus' incident that occurred in 1968 and has ruined many a Christmas morn. He's jolly.

Yes Philly fans have been known to enjoy a good heckle. You may remember a couple years back when the patron saint of steroid investigations came to Philly. The Sunday Night game was broadcast on ESPN and went down as one of the greatest belligerent baseball experiences of my/anyone's life. We kept it classy, somehow. Not a battery syringe was thrown. I was saying Boo-onds.



That is not to say that we Philly fans aren't capable of some uncalled for vitriol. Shocking as it may be, in the past I have been guilty of yelling obscenities within the earshot of children. I remember (remember may not be the right word given the level of inebriation) one instance at an NU football game where I yelled 'FUCK YOU I-U' for about 2 quarters. The grad students in front of us enjoyed it. Too bad we were playing Michigan.

But karma's a bitch, apparently, because my season ticket seats at the Phils are positioned just one row in front of a group of young bucks who show up drunk as shit every game in the third inning and proceed to yell unceasingly until they leave in the eighth. And most of what they say is fucking lame. Sure, not much is known about Giants' leftfielder Fred Lewis -- but that doesn't mean you have to yell "LEEWWWWWWISSSSSSS" repeatedly inning after inning. "FRRRRRREEEEDDDDD!" isn't much better. He's no Barry Bonds or even Marquis Grissom, why don't you try something along those lines.

And I'll be the first admit, chanting "Show and Tell" (a local strip club) at Pat Burrell is pretty funny. On the other hand, yelling "Taco Tuesday" at the Bat is stupid and doesn't even make sense. Same goes for "Pat the Bat! Pat!" I expect more from someone who wears a Kim Batiste jersey. Need ideas? There are web sites designed to help you out.

Bottom line, don't heckle a man who is currently the second best hitter on the team and also in the National League. Just a thought.

Zaza Pachulia loves the United States of Freedom

Well Put.

Is it wrong that I think this is the funniest thing I've seen all week? Watched it about 50 times and counting.

Just sleeping on some melons

Here's a couple things to tide you over until you figure out what stupid shit to spend your tax rebate on.

I've decided all the coverage of the Olympic torch drama is pretty meaningless. It hasn't stopped China from doing shit like saying protesters on Everest will be shot. Meanwhile we are all kind of whistling and twiddling our thumbs while those fucks keep on building their ridiculous infrastructure.

Here's a list of 188 philosophers. You know its comprehensive because it has Zeno of Elea AND Zeno of Kition. See what I did there? It's like I know what I'm talking about.

Did you hear about this "Hannah Montana" fiasco? Apparently it has been in the news. How old is 15? Old enough to have that 'just been fucked' look in a magazine spread? I blame Annie Liebovitz.

In teaching your kids about drugs news, we have this book called It's just a plant. Just fantastic.

This week for a video, I really wanted to put this up, but I feel like that meme is dying already. Instead here's the 'official video' for that new Nine Inch Nails song.



Let's see, what else ... uh, Freegans? Probably not.

That's all I got. Look for me at the Phils-Giants game, I'll be the drunk guy.

The stupidest war ever

It's no secret older media like newspapers, radio and even television have harbored animosity towards this world wide of webs. The reasons are legion and lame, mostly relating to the generation gap. The fact is they are all ways to disseminate information, and the flexibility and speed of the web is scary to those who prefer to read a newspaper with their coffee in the morning.

The latest battle in this idiotic saga was the whole Bissinger-Leitch blowup (Note: The Internet!) that went down the other night on Bob Costas's HBO show. Costas's show is definite quality -- later on they had a frank discussion about race in sports that should be required watching.

But yeah -- the author most-known for penning 'Friday Night Nights' went off on Deadspin's editor about how blogs are basically the causing the downfall of human society. And now the web is rife with the fake edits of Bissinger's wikipedia page and whatnot -- "ZOMG old guy criticized the tubes, snark snerk!"

It should be noted that Bissinger has a point. The web can definitely function as a big echo chamber. Since so much of it is driven by opinion, people tend to seek out and keep with their own. And brave is the man who tries to have a rational discussion with someone of a different viewpoint, because trolls are rampant. Especially here.



The problem is not just the internets though. How the old media reacts to what becomes news on the web (memes and all) is less than ideal. For example recently TMZ.com published the name of an alleged 14-year-old sex crime victim. And then the AP wrote this story, which is just about the most passive-aggressive piece of journalism ever. Saving you the google search: The 'victim' in this case is the 14-year-old son of Billy Bob Thornton and he was supposedly fucking some 22-year-old. The natural reaction is more Niiiice than anything else. I doubt TMZ would have published the name of a girl, despicable as they are.

South Park aside, the problem is the gatekeepers of information have been replaced without their consent by rabble and are not fucking pleased. Fifty years ago, newspapers were Hermes, seeking adventure and distributing information. TV caused some injuries, but the internet is dealing the death blow right now. Those who thought they knew best see themselves being replaced by profane geeks who pander to the lowest common denominator.

The fight, just like the winner, is inevitable. Only those who can adapt will survive.