Run from the memories

Consider this a belated/shitty edition of the phriday philler. The last thing I want is the curse of TMoney* to ruin the Phils chances at the postseason.

The Saturday loss coupled with the Mets win has Phillies fans everywhere ringing their hands with great vigor. Suddenly the sure thing that was the Mets collapse does not seem so certain. The possibility of a the Phillies straight-up missing the playoffs (by one game again no less, I fucking called it) has everyone remembering so many failed attempts in years past. Chico Ruiz=Matt Chico. *shudder*

Ah well, best not to think about all that too much. No whammies. Here a few things I came across in the past couple days.

First, you may remember the UF "Don't tase me bro!" guy. And in the natural progression of life, somebody remixed that with MC Hammer. Of course they did.


Haha, monkeysphere. Pirate Monkey named Slappy, that's pure gold.

Remember even if your sports team loses, there is always after hours parties. That is if you aren't stuck in domestic bliss. In which case you can go shopping with your wife instead. Suckers.

OK that's it. I'm going to go root root root for the home team.

*There is no such thing as the curse of TMoney. Yet.

BURRELL BOMB

Go Cards and Brewers. That is all.

248 greatest films of all time: #213 Army of Darkness

Back before Sam Raimi was the director of the Spider-man flicks, he was best known for his "Evil Dead" trilogy, capped off by this epic.

Granted, the production values aren't the best, I think the skeleton budget was about $600 -- which works out to about 30 cents per skeleton.

Some may call it corny, but it's also one of the most eminently watchable movies ever, evidenced by the 400 times it was watched on the ghetto VCR in college.

Here's a clip from fairly early in the film, watch for the the chainsaw and Ash's Indiana Jones-like ability to use his belt as a whip.

Tagline: Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

Plot Spoilers: Evil follows Ash to the past, where he awakens it by taking the Necronomicon or something. He leads a bunch of middle ages dudes in battle using the assortment of future technology he has in the trunk of his oldsmobile (including chemistry tesxtbooks for some reason) eventually fighting off the evil menace. Also there is an evil version of Ash leading the "deadites" who suffers death by catapult.

Best Character: Ummm, is there really a question? It's everyone's favorite S-Mart employee, Ash. Shit he is arguably one of the biggest badasses ever. The ridiculous number of one-liners he delivers would make 1980s-era Arnold Schwarzenegger blush.

Notable Quotes:
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.

[after shooting King Arthur's sword in half]
Ash: Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This ... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.

Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.

Evil Ash: You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!
Ash: Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Evil Ash: Huh?
[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]

Ash: [fires shotgun] Go ahead and run. Run home and cry to momma! I'm going to stay here and fight it out! Who's with me!
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.

Skeleton: Let's get the hell out of here!

Another reason to see it: At one point the undead army is marching into battle and the skeletons are playing musical intruments made out of, get this, other skeletons! Plus, the members of the undead army die in increasingly ridiculous ways. If you have never seen a skeleton turn to the camera and scream effeminately after being lit on fire, this is your chance.

Damn it

You see what happens, TMoney? You see what happens? This is what happens when I get my hopes up about the Phillies. This is what happens.

Walter Sobchak aside, it's like their playoff chances are decided by some sort of giant dice rolling down a mountain in Greenland. How will it end? We'll just have to wait and see.


Also, I am definitely rooting for the folks over at the pee your pants for the Brewers campaign.

It's on like voltron

Six games. Half a fucking dozen. That's all there is. Win 'em all and it's playoffs. This is the year?

The Padres are imploding. Thanks to my friend and yours Milton Bradley, their season is scrabbled their postseason hopes are at risk they aren't acting like hungry hungry hippos in regards to the playoffs.

Just saying, it's nice to see another team imploding. I am not in anyway assuming that the Phillies are going to make the playoffs. That would be foolish. No whammies.

What the F?

Note to self: Trying to get into "Heroes" by watching the first episode of the second season with absolutely no concept of the various plotlines doesn't work, and in fact is horribly confusing.


That said, here is a video that is vaguely Halo-related, because Halo 3 comes out in about an hour and a half. Anyone want to lend me $500 so I can buy an XBox 360 and the "legendary edition" complete with helmet? No? I hate you.

What the world needs now

Welcome to another edition of phriday philler, bitches. Hope you all enjoyed digging up your mother's corpse for the jewelry. Just keep telling yourself it's better than being married to Danny DeVito.

Did you know scientists discovered some sort of fungus living in the Chernobyl reactor this past spring that feeds on gamma radiation? I just hope they don't make it angry.

Freedarko has been keeping me wildly entertained this past week. Here's a passage from a recent post about the "stat wars":

Then, this Kirilenko situation. It's been like finding evidence of a furry dinosaur, or uncovering the tomb where Martians fell. Without resorting to any hyperbole, for there is no need for it in the hour of fulfillment: Andrei Kirilenko is the player of tomorrow. More than Garnett or Durant, he marks a turn in the game that is as material as it is conceptual or speculative.

Indeed. It's also true that Kirilenko is powered by radiation and was conceived in space by two cosmonauts.

Elsewhere in sports, Donovan McNabb provided the one of the best defense/explanation of his race remarks on his blog. Get it from the source, but keep it in context.

Maybe you heard about the blowback from MoveOn.org's "General Betray-us" ad in the New York Times. Well it all culminated in G-Dub calling the ad "disgusting" and Congress voting against it. Not really sure how you vote against an advertisement that has already appeared in a newpaper, but whatever. Not everyone is happy that those clowns in Washington are voting on irrelevant amendments while there is a fucking war on. And it may end well?

On a lighter note, the list-tacular cracked.com is always good to exponentially kill some time at work. For example their list of the 8 best webcomics was pretty good. Plus that list had the Perry Bible Fellowship, which is fucking ridiculous. Also this:

That's it for this week. Enjoy your weekend -- I'm will spend mine learning how to crank that.

Don't tase me, bro!

Have you heard about the University of Florida student who was tased at the John Kerry speech? It has been all over the web recently. Some call it another act of police brutality and example of "Amerika's new police state." Others say that the kid is a total jackass who got what was coming to him.

I'm undecided at this point. The kid was trying to make a scene, and clearly he's a jackass. But does that warrant a tasering? Police are allowed to fuck you up just because you are acting a fool? I kind of wish the kid was black so this would be an even bigger deal.

Nevertheless, we can all thank the young man for introducing the phrase "Don't tase me, bro!" into the cultural lexicon.

Deathmatch Listoff: Favorite players to heckle in left field at Citizens Bank Park on Sundays

Matt Stairs (Toronto Blue Jays)

This dude got a beating for no other reason than he plays left field for a team that beat us in the 1993 World Series (damn you Joe Carter). That and supposedly his last name is the same thing he should take more often. Being called a fat ass by a dude choking down a greasy cheesesteak must be the ultimate diss.

Pat Burrell (Philadelphia Phillies)

Considering we're a town that throws snowballs at Santa Clause, it shouldn't be surprising that we don't back down at hassling the shit out of our own players. Especially when he is making a team-leading $13M this year and he can't chase down a fly ball to save his life. Regardless, he's always met with pomp and circumstance upon returning to the field after blasting a Burrell Bomb. He needs to beat his wife more. Inappropriate? Worked out pretty well for Brett Myers.



Milton Bradley (San Diego Padres)

Milton Bradley hates Philly because Philly hates Milton Bradley because we can. Milt was a bit flamboyant on his home run trot during an earlier game and the fans made sure to remind him that he wasn't in southern Cali. Sympathy? Try calling Darryl Strawberry and ask him how it felt getting pelted by batteries. I'm sure he'll tell you how a little coke goes a long way in easing those pains. I digress. Milton "not the game company" Bradley tried his hand at flapping his jaw back at the crowd a few times while in left field. Good thinking.


Matt Diaz (Atlanta Braves)

I think Diaz really enjoyed our heckling. Several times we noticed him slapping his glove against his knee to the beat of our "You suck Diaz!" chant. But the real fun part about this dude was the pronunciation of his last name. Most people assumed "Dee-az" instead of the proper "Die-az" and it pissed the living shit out of a black-hat wearing douche in our row. Then when said douche try to heckle the hecklers regarding the proper way to pronounce his name, the focus turned to him. Chants of "You suck Diaz" were traded in for "You suck black hat." I'm sure Matt "don't call me 'Dee-az'" Diaz appreciated your support, black hat. Extra kudos to Mr. Diaz in flicking off the girl in the front row. Yes, the one with the nice "smile."



Alfonso Soriano (Chicago Cubs)

Alfonso was one of the top stars to pick daisy in left field during a Sunday home game at The Bank. A year earlier, while he was in the midst of a 40/40 season and approaching free-agency, Philly fans were more interested in getting Mr. Soriano to slip into a Phillies uniform, but with his high-dollar deal in the windy city, he received his fair share of shit. He, too, decided to talk shit back to the fans. Come on, Alfonso, you'll only make us more pissed at you. Even the old lady a few seats down from me removed her dentures to tell you to blow it out your ass. You should know better.



Honorable Mention (i.e., he who doesn't play day games after evening games)

Hmmm. There is a well-heckled baseball player who plays left fiend for a team that played the Phightins during the weekend that wasn't mentioned. Who could it be? If my memory serves me correctly, he broke a major record this year. Unfortunately Barry was out of the lineup on the Sunday when the Giants were in town (Shane Victorino day). In his defence, it was also raining that day. If he did play, I would have thanked him for the elevated value of his rookie card that I have.

A Philadelphia fan's lament

If you read this blog, you probably know I am a fan of pretty much all things Philadelphia sports. For this I blame my father. Taking a impressionable kid to Phillies and Eagles playoff games tends to have a lasting effect. Especially when the teams lose.


So, yeah, I am die-hard for the Phils and Birds, and have been since the early '90s. This is problematic, because I hate the typical Philadelphia fan. Call it self-loathing, call it elitist, call it masochism, I don't know. I have gotten into the agony of the Philadelphia sport scene before, but that was a self-centered look at my own fandom. I didn't consider how much I resent my association with general louts.

In case you are unaware of the Philly fan mythology, let me clue you in -- we booed santa claus, repeatedly ran all-star players out of town, hate prima donnas and cowboys, and have little to no tolerance for athletes who make it look easy. Also, the vocal majority are a bunch of clowns. Morons if you will. Take the whole "booing McNabb" thing for instance. I have heard defenses that we are booing "the organization" or whatever, but that is fucking dogshit. The man has been pure class for a team with a less than glorious history, and he gets no slack at all? Grow the fuck up.

And now it begins again with the whole Real Sports interview where Donovan says black quarterbacks are held to a different standard than their white counterparts. Fans are going to call him a baby, a whiner, and maybe even a prima donna. Guess what losers racists, you are just proving him right. If his hometown fans don't even support him after a crazy-fast comeback from knee surgery, four NFC championship games and one Super Bowl appearance, what do you think rival fans are gonna do? Look at San Francisco in its support for Barry Bonds. The man is clearly an asshole and a steroid user, but they cheer him anyway. After all, he's their asshole steroid user.


And don't get me started on the ridiculous number of fairweather douchebags that have come out of the woodwork during the Eagles recent run of success and since the opening of the Phillies beautiful new stadium. I'm not sure which I detest more, the number of times I hear "bro" at Citizen's Bank Park or the shrieking of the low-hanging fruit that is female eagle fans. You fucks are goddamn frontrunners and you know it. Remember the Ray Rhodes era? How bout Gregg Jefferies? My fellow fans disgust me.

As I said before, this is a problem. I have tried to reconcile my feelings toward my fellow fans. They don't know any better, I tell myself. Just because they didn't suffer through the late-90s dark ages of Philly fandom, that doesn't make them bad people. But it does make them bad fans. They weren't there when Doug Petersen was starting quarterback in the first year of Andy Reids tenure. They weren' t there when Doug fucking Glanville was the Phillies best offensive threat. Sure most were aware of the fact that the local team kinda sucks, but they didn't feel it. They didn't scare the family dog by screaming at Ty Detmer to throw the fucking ball more than 10 yards.

OK, maybe I am overreaching a bit here. I'm sure there are other Philly sports fans that are far more die-hard than myself. And others (maybe) that treat those on the field with some modicum of respect, or at least don't boo all-pros. But sweet merciful jebus why can't we just support our team in a healthy way? Not too harp on the whole McNabb thing, but do we really think its helpful to boo him? Nevermind the fact that he is the best QB in the history of this dirty-ass city -- it can't be good for the man's psyche. A psyche on which the success of our team likely rests.


Well I'm about ranted out at this point. I would like to mention that I have been trying to adopt a more freedarko-style "enlightened fandom" point of view -- rooting for a style of play or whatever, its all kind of vague. But that is near impossible when you have such ingrained loyalties in certain sports. It works sort of with NBA, ie the Warriors last year, but that's just because I have never lived and died by a sixers score. The run to the finals in 2001 was nice, but they have never been a very likeable team in the past 20 years, AI and Sir Charles notwithstanding.

BEWARE ... WEAPON X

Apparently that is the name of Dawkins' alter ego, seen in the picture above attacking one Clinton Portis' many alter egos. If you missed the pregame piece where BDawk brandishes wolverine claws, well you really missed out. He has healing factor!

I may or may not get some sort of lazy-ass liveblog going here, we shall see.
This has got to be the most homerific booth ever. Kornheiser just went on a ridiculous monologue about how he loves Joe Gibbs and wants to softly stroke his hair, and Jaworski pretty much bleeds Eagles green, having lead them to the super bowl and all. I can only hope this ends with Jaws telling Kornheiser he slept with his wife.

Haha Reno Mahe is getting the biggest cheers out of any of the Eagles. Fielding punts is serious business. That crazy Tongan bastard shares a bloodline with former Eagles punt returner turned local sportscaster Vai Sikahema, that's how you know he's good.

Donovan just scrambled but he is now slow, Eagles punt. I'd like to take this opportunity to question the blatant racial epithet that is the Redskins team name. I mean, isn't "redskin" pretty much a slur? It's not like the somewhat ambiguous Warrior" or an actual native american tribe, "Illini. Just saying. It's not as bad as the "New Orleans N*ggers" (it's a chocolate city?) but I don't think that "Chicago Degos" or "Los Angeles Wallbiters" would go over so well. Nips.

Ugh, this game is boring. Control the clock eh? Fuck you Joe Gibbs! I'm going to entertain myself by watching this video of Rob Stone straight pimping Julie Foudy and Heather Mitts live on air. I envy Rob Stone right now.


Huzzah, a bit of a drive. Future all-pro Jason Avant makes a nice catch falling out of bounds on third down, followed by a couple nice runs by Westbrook. Meanwhile, Andy Reid's family life is in shambles, like anyone cares. Garrett Reid just blew a line in the bathroom of a dive bar in Norristown.

Greg Lewis caught a little screen pass for three yards and got booed. Thats what he gets for muffing a punt. He probably has to gain about 50 yards before the fans will forget that. Meanwhile, Mike Tirico thinks the boos are because of the playcall. Mike Tirico is a moron.

Just checked in on the Phillies. They are beating the hell out of St. Louis. It will be unfortunate when they miss the wild card by one game. Can I place a bet on that? Seriously, I'll consider even odds with anyone that they finish one game out. It's what they do. In other news, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONOVAN COMPLETE A PASS. The clock is ticking, from what I hear.

Gah its halftime and I think this post is done. What a glorious game. It's 10-6 Redskins thanks to the last minute TD from Chris Cooley. I don't really mind losing to a guy who did 21 shots of Jim Beam, even if that story is likely made up.

For yourmy halftime entertainment, here's this video from the onion. Domestic violence=hilarity!

Sexy Doodle Dandy

Some of the best films are foreign.



Eagles take on the Foreskins tonight in a classic NFC East matchup. Go birds!



That's all for now.

254 greatest movies of all time: #116 &117 Kill Bill

I was inspired by watching the last hour of Commando to do another one of these. Not on Commando of course, gotta delay the top ten til later. Just kidding, Commando isn't in the top ten. Or is it?

So lets take a look at the Kill Bill movies. Mmmmm, ultra-stylized violence. I'm sure it won't be the last time Quentin Tarantino makes an appearance in these completely arbitrary rankings. In fact I'd wager all his films could find themselves here sooner or later (except maybe grindhouse, which I haven't seen).

I am putting the Kill Bill movies together because of the whole "one narrative" thing, but they take up two spots. Lets say Vol. 2 is slightly better so thats your #116.

I've heard the first volume described as an western eastern and the second described as a eastern western. I have no idea what that means, but you can see the influences of spaghetti westerns, martial arts and samurai movies. Also, this movie is further proof that the RZA is the man (he did the score).

First lets take a look at a clip. This is the part where the bride takes out like 50 dudes in five minutes.

And because I can't enough of the kickass fight scenes, here's the showdown between the Bride and Elle Driver.


Tagline: Revenge is a dish best served cold

Plot Spoilers: The bride kills everybody on her list, including Bill with the five point palm exploding heart technique. Her name is Beatrix Kiddo and she reunites with her daughter at the end.

Best Character: Oh man this is tough. So many options. Of course in a movie where all the characters are assassins that is to be expected. The bride seems too obvious. O-Ren Ishii and Go-Go warrant mentioning. But I'm going to have to go with the old man, Pai Mei. From the first story Bill tells of his killing 60-some monks because of one perceived slight to his death via poisoned fish heads, the shaolin master keeps it real with his ridiculous moustache. Not to mention his whole 3-inch punch training ends up saving the Bride's ass when she is buried alive.


Notable Quotes:
The Bride: How did you find me?
Bill: I'm the man.

[looking at the Bride in her coma]
Buck: Price is $75 a fuck, my friend. You getting your freak on, or what?
Trucker: Oh yeah, boy.
[gives Buck the money]
Buck: Now here are the rules. Rule Number One: no punching her. The nurse comes in tomorrow and she got a shiner or less some teeth, jig's up. So, no knuckle sandwiches under no circumstances. And by the way, this little cunt's a spitter. It's a motor-reflex thing. But spit or not, no punching. Now, are we absolutely, positively clear on Rule Number One?
Trucker: Yeah.
Buck: Good. Now, Rule Number Two: no monkey bites, and no hickeys. In fact, no leaving no marks of any kind on her. After that, it's all good, buddy. Now, her plumbing down there don't work no more, so feel free to come in her all you want. Keep the noise down, try not to make a mess. I'll be back in twenty.
[Buck starts to leave, but snaps his fingers and turns back]
Buck: Oh, shit! By the way, not every time but sometimes this chick's cooch will get drier than a bucket of sand. If she's dry, just lube up with this,
[tosses him a jar labeled "VasaLube"]
Buck: and you'll be good to go. Bon Appetite, good buddy.

Budd: She's got a Hanzo sword?
Bill: He made one for her.
Budd: Didn't he swear a blood oath to never make another sword?
Bill: It would appear he has broken it.
Budd: Them Japs sure know how to hold a grudge.
[laughs]
Budd: Or maybe, you just tend to bring that out in people.

[Esteban, an 80-year-old pimp, appraises The Bride]
Esteban Vihaio: If I had met you forty years ago, you would have been my Number One lady.
The Bride: Well, I'm flattered.
Esteban Vihaio: You goddamn better well be.

The Bride: Go-Go, I know you feel you must protect your mistress. But I beg you, walk away.
[Go-Go giggles girlishly]
Go Go Yubari: You call that begging? You can beg better than that.

Another reason to see them: As with most Tarantino movies, the music is totally amazing. In passing I'll mention the 5,6,7,8s performance in the house of blue leaves; Elle Driver whistling "Twisted Nerve" on her way to poison the bride; and the outstanding use of "Battle without honor or humanity" throughout. Also, there's lots of blood.

What's up, bitches!

"It's always sunny in Philadelphia" is back. I'm going to go out on a limb and say its the funniest show on television. So far over the line on a regular basis. The office ain't got shit on it.

I think my favorite episode is the one where they get the old Nazi gear. Either that or the one where Charlie pretends to have cancer. It's like the anti-Friends. Warms the cockles of my godless soul.

Anyway -- check out this web episode to get primed for the new season.

Monkey Robots!

This may very well be the greatest thing in the history of the world.
But the scientists better be careful how they develop this technology, lest monkey-robot hybrids run amok and conquer the world as foretold in the Bible.

The man on the street can eat a dick

Yeah you heard me. In case you don't know what I mean by "man on the street" it's the shit in your local newspaper where some random jerk comments on a big national story. This is often called "localizing"

And I fucking hate doing it. I don't want to talk to random people. I am anti-social except when I'm drunk or on drugs. Why do you think I blog?

Today, for example, I had to go out and ask people about what they think about the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11. Are you suffering from 9/11-mourning fatigue? Do you think they've done enough to catch Bin Laden? Is there any more meaningless anniversary than 6th? Have you ever hijacked an airplane? And so on.

I guess maybe I should have considered this before I became a reporter. Fourth estate my ass. Is it good that I hate the media as a member of the media? Grah. At least I'm not Chuck Storm.

Wherefore art thou, Jeremy Bloom?

I couldn't watch the entire Eagles-Packers game, because I was at work. Well I did watch the first half in its entirety because I was the only person in the newsroom. But then the enormously fat copy editor waddled in wheezing like a bastard.

Rather than engage in conversation with the 500 pound man while he devoured an entire 20-piece bucket from KFC, I went back to my desk. He then inexplicably changed the channel to the Phillies. I caught snippets of the second half, but fortunately missed the ending field goal.

So I'll avoid making any in depth analysis of the game, except to say -- Greg Lewis, WHY? Did you forget your crack? Seriously the guy is a dead ringer for Tyrone Biggums. Too bad the game was in crack-free Green Bay. If only they flew into Milwaukee, he could have run down to the corner. Then with his crack-fueled super senses he never would have muffed that punt in the first quarter, allowing the Pack their only touchdown.

Also, I'm pretty sure JR Reed had his leg amputated like 2 years ago. I guess it grew back? Like a starfish?

Yeah I don't have a point. Congrats Green Bay, maybe this week one victory will finally avenge 4th and 26. Can Freddie Mitchell can return kicks? I'm pretty sure he's available.

Anyway my (red)hat's off to Brett Favre and the rest of the Packers. You managed to take advantage of the Eagles' miscues and win your home opener. Surely Favre will get some robot parts installed midseason and guide that scrappy group of youngsters to the playoffs.

But beware Purple Jesus. He is a vengeful Jesus.

Cardiac Cats ... back?

If there is one thing to be learned from Northwestern's come from behind twice win over the ferocious Nevada Wolfpack this afternoon, it is that you cannot stop CJ Bacher, you can only hope to contain him.

At this point Bacher has a real chance to establish his place amongst the great NU quarterbacks of the past half-century. In other words, Brett Basanez and Zak Kustok. Shit, he's even got a weird name. Plus all 8 people with access to the Big Ten Network could watch him lay waste to the Nevada defense with his array of competent passing and shifty running.

Without stud running back Tyrell Sutton for most of the day due to a bum ankle, Bacher and the offense overcame a 24-10 halftime deficit, and then orchestrated the game-winning touchdown drive, marching 80 yards in less than a minute. Nice.

On the other hand, the 'Cats complete inability to stop the "devastating" straight-ahead running of Luke Lippincott meant problems all day, no moreso than when he busted one up the middle for a TD with 3:38 to play. Longtime NU fans I'm sure will be *SHOCKED* at an apparent lack of run defense.

This is classic Wildcat football, dynamic offense coupled with a bend and sometimes break D. It's got me dreaming of a bowl appearance, perhaps the Champs Sports Bowl. As long as its not that bullshit in Detroit I'll be happy.

So here's looking forward to next week's game against Duke, which is being played at 7 pm for some reason. After that they head to The Horseshoe and their first loss of the season. But then they've got Michigan in a possibly winnable game considering how the Wolverines have been playing. Chad Henne sucks.

Phriday Philler

Someday I will become a god among bros.


Heard rumors that The Wire is coming back on January 6. Finally, I have something to live for. Not sure how accurate that exact date is as I saw it in the comments section over at FreeDarko, but I'm going to go ahead and assume its true. Good stuff from the Washington Post, who was there on the final day of shooting. Gotta keep the devil down in the hole.

Speaking of freedarko, the latest post over there raises some interesting points. ie did you know the Shaq apparently is Muslim? Shocking that the NBA doesn't play that up more. Louis Farrakhan is widely accepted as mainstream by now right?

Gah its been a slow week and I'm fried. So here's a video of a dude lighting a firecracker in his mouth. He'd be stupid not too.



Later on kids -- I'm going to go rig up a homemade spoiler for my car. Enjoy the weekend.

It's hard out here for a pimp

/nuff said

midweek pablum

Once again the creative juices are running on empty on humpday. So that means either a Onion news video or something I can find on YouTube in five minutes.
Lets go with this "Hipster Olympics" jawn that has made the rounds a bit. It's from the comedy troupe POYKPAC, which apparently stands for "Pictures of your kids pooping and crying."

PURE garbage

I came across an article on the AP wire last week about how clubs are paying celebrities to make appearances. Central to the article is PURE, which is the fucking abortion of a nightclub at Caesars Palace.

A little background: When I attended Metzger's bachelor party in Vegas, we "got the hookup" which allowed us to enter said club and get a VIP table. What they don't tell you is that you have to get bottle service at the table, with a 4 bottle minumum. You may think that paying $400 for a bottle of absolut or Johnny Walker RED would make you enjoy it more. It doesn't.

dr.gpiece and I enjoy our time as VIPs

I must admit it was kind of cool to sit in the VIP section, with our own bouncer. He even brought girls over to us, so they could look on with disdain while doing $25 shots of booze. Sound bitter? Well I am. If memory serves only one person at the party got any play that night, and it was with some sort of local hippie.

My point is Pure sucks, and should be avoided at all costs. I would actually pay money NOT to go there at this point. Granted "clubs" aren't really my scene -- what with the turbos and overpriced drinks -- but it's hard for me to badmouth anywhere that serves alcohol and has hot women.

When I spotted the article on the AP wire -- little free advertising for a place I wish would host a Great White concert -- I died a little inside. It details how Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were paid more money than I make in five years to party at the club for one night. From the article:

"It's fun to be famous and rich. That's why people pay to get in and watch," said Lori Levine, the president of Flying Television, a talent-booking firm in New York.
"If you go to a club to see one of the 'It' girls, you take a photo on your phone and you'll have a story to tell for the rest of the summer," she said.

Nevermind that Lori Levine is only quotable because she gobbles cock like its scrambled eggs, but taking picture of Paris on my camera phone (note: I do not have a camera phone) would entertain me all summer? Only if she adds "me fucking" and by "entertain me all summer" she means "necessitate a prescription for Valtrex."

The article goes on to talk about appearance fees for NBA players and Britney Spears passing out at the club to much fanfare. Honestly, I want to say "good on you" to these celebrities who can get paid just to party. They are taking advantage of a severely fucked up system, and likely will blow whatever funds they get on strippers, drugs and child support.

But for those that go to these clubs just to see some untalented it girl or black man who can dunk, I say fuck you. You are the reason the terrorists hate us. And that goes double for all the sycophantic douchebags in the media who slobber the metaphorical knobs of the latest "stars." It's one thing to give appropriate adulation to someone with real talent, an artist that can make you realize something new and unique about the world. It's another to treat a no-talent slut/hack like Paris Hilton or Dane Cook* like they are above the law.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to prepare for an interview with Bam Margera.


*Seriously, I saw Vicious Circle last week. I was stoned and laughed once.

A-TRAIN DROPPED THE BALL

On a day when michigan lost to a Division I-AA Football Championship Subdivision team, I just want to remember that magical fall of 2000. Santana made music magic with Rob Thomas, Scary Movie was redefining comedy, the frat was still more than two years away from "whale-gate" and I watched Northwestern beat Big Blue in one of the most ridiculous games in college football history.



So congrats to you, Appalachian State Mountaineers. With this win and locking down the enrollment of Miss Teen South Carolina, you are putting yourselves on the map. South Africa.

Also as an aside -- Comcast needs to stop the pissing the contest with the Big Ten over the broadcast rights. Y'all fucking rape my wallet every month already, just show me the goddamn games. I am get the sports tier already, jerks! Sure I could go out to a bar with DirectTV to get my fill of CJ Bacher and Tyrell Sutton, but then I would have to leave my apartment. Rant Over.