Ow, My Balls!

The headline above is taken from the most popular show 500 years from now. At least in the mind of Mike Judge. Idiocracy is Judge's cult (read: little seen) satire set in a dystopian future where the population has become immensely stupid because morons have way more kids than the smart folks. Luke Wilson is cryogenically frozen for 500 years as part of an army experiment gone wrong, and when he wakes up he is the smartest man in the world.

The film is a bit uneven. There are funny parts and parts that ring true, sure (Welcome to Costco. I love you.) But there is also Dax Shepard as the most annoying character outside of a Dane Cook movie.

Those who have seen it know about how once the government learns that Wilson is the smartest man alive, they ask him to figure out why all their crops are dying. He thinks it may have something to do with the fact that they water their crops with Brawndo (The Thirst Mutilator) and not water. It's got what plants crave!

Well, in a sad, sad turn of events -- it's never pretty when life imitates art -- Brawndo is becoming a real drink. Christ. Nevermind that the commercial blatantly rips off Powerthirst and yet isn't as funny.

The movie was fucking satire people. It was mocking our super-consumer ways. When a satirical drink in a film about how far humanity has fallen due to outright stupidity becomes an actual product you can buy, well, I weep for humanity. I pray that this is an elaborate joke.

Moving on. This post started as a reason to put up a kind of old video. Then I got carried away with my Idiocracy talk. Ha ha, Beef Supreme.

So, anyway, there's this newfangled cup called the nutty buddy, which was inexplicably been featured in a story by the Associated Press. Truly we are entering a new age of ball protection.

I think I saw this video on Deadspin or somewhere like a year ago, but the goats unofficial motto at this point is "better late than never."
Also, it's worth taking a look at the web site.

A Philadelphia fan's lament

If you read this blog, you probably know I am a fan of pretty much all things Philadelphia sports. For this I blame my father. Taking a impressionable kid to Phillies and Eagles playoff games tends to have a lasting effect. Especially when the teams lose.


So, yeah, I am die-hard for the Phils and Birds, and have been since the early '90s. This is problematic, because I hate the typical Philadelphia fan. Call it self-loathing, call it elitist, call it masochism, I don't know. I have gotten into the agony of the Philadelphia sport scene before, but that was a self-centered look at my own fandom. I didn't consider how much I resent my association with general louts.

In case you are unaware of the Philly fan mythology, let me clue you in -- we booed santa claus, repeatedly ran all-star players out of town, hate prima donnas and cowboys, and have little to no tolerance for athletes who make it look easy. Also, the vocal majority are a bunch of clowns. Morons if you will. Take the whole "booing McNabb" thing for instance. I have heard defenses that we are booing "the organization" or whatever, but that is fucking dogshit. The man has been pure class for a team with a less than glorious history, and he gets no slack at all? Grow the fuck up.

And now it begins again with the whole Real Sports interview where Donovan says black quarterbacks are held to a different standard than their white counterparts. Fans are going to call him a baby, a whiner, and maybe even a prima donna. Guess what losers racists, you are just proving him right. If his hometown fans don't even support him after a crazy-fast comeback from knee surgery, four NFC championship games and one Super Bowl appearance, what do you think rival fans are gonna do? Look at San Francisco in its support for Barry Bonds. The man is clearly an asshole and a steroid user, but they cheer him anyway. After all, he's their asshole steroid user.


And don't get me started on the ridiculous number of fairweather douchebags that have come out of the woodwork during the Eagles recent run of success and since the opening of the Phillies beautiful new stadium. I'm not sure which I detest more, the number of times I hear "bro" at Citizen's Bank Park or the shrieking of the low-hanging fruit that is female eagle fans. You fucks are goddamn frontrunners and you know it. Remember the Ray Rhodes era? How bout Gregg Jefferies? My fellow fans disgust me.

As I said before, this is a problem. I have tried to reconcile my feelings toward my fellow fans. They don't know any better, I tell myself. Just because they didn't suffer through the late-90s dark ages of Philly fandom, that doesn't make them bad people. But it does make them bad fans. They weren't there when Doug Petersen was starting quarterback in the first year of Andy Reids tenure. They weren' t there when Doug fucking Glanville was the Phillies best offensive threat. Sure most were aware of the fact that the local team kinda sucks, but they didn't feel it. They didn't scare the family dog by screaming at Ty Detmer to throw the fucking ball more than 10 yards.

OK, maybe I am overreaching a bit here. I'm sure there are other Philly sports fans that are far more die-hard than myself. And others (maybe) that treat those on the field with some modicum of respect, or at least don't boo all-pros. But sweet merciful jebus why can't we just support our team in a healthy way? Not too harp on the whole McNabb thing, but do we really think its helpful to boo him? Nevermind the fact that he is the best QB in the history of this dirty-ass city -- it can't be good for the man's psyche. A psyche on which the success of our team likely rests.


Well I'm about ranted out at this point. I would like to mention that I have been trying to adopt a more freedarko-style "enlightened fandom" point of view -- rooting for a style of play or whatever, its all kind of vague. But that is near impossible when you have such ingrained loyalties in certain sports. It works sort of with NBA, ie the Warriors last year, but that's just because I have never lived and died by a sixers score. The run to the finals in 2001 was nice, but they have never been a very likeable team in the past 20 years, AI and Sir Charles notwithstanding.

PURE garbage

I came across an article on the AP wire last week about how clubs are paying celebrities to make appearances. Central to the article is PURE, which is the fucking abortion of a nightclub at Caesars Palace.

A little background: When I attended Metzger's bachelor party in Vegas, we "got the hookup" which allowed us to enter said club and get a VIP table. What they don't tell you is that you have to get bottle service at the table, with a 4 bottle minumum. You may think that paying $400 for a bottle of absolut or Johnny Walker RED would make you enjoy it more. It doesn't.

dr.gpiece and I enjoy our time as VIPs

I must admit it was kind of cool to sit in the VIP section, with our own bouncer. He even brought girls over to us, so they could look on with disdain while doing $25 shots of booze. Sound bitter? Well I am. If memory serves only one person at the party got any play that night, and it was with some sort of local hippie.

My point is Pure sucks, and should be avoided at all costs. I would actually pay money NOT to go there at this point. Granted "clubs" aren't really my scene -- what with the turbos and overpriced drinks -- but it's hard for me to badmouth anywhere that serves alcohol and has hot women.

When I spotted the article on the AP wire -- little free advertising for a place I wish would host a Great White concert -- I died a little inside. It details how Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were paid more money than I make in five years to party at the club for one night. From the article:

"It's fun to be famous and rich. That's why people pay to get in and watch," said Lori Levine, the president of Flying Television, a talent-booking firm in New York.
"If you go to a club to see one of the 'It' girls, you take a photo on your phone and you'll have a story to tell for the rest of the summer," she said.

Nevermind that Lori Levine is only quotable because she gobbles cock like its scrambled eggs, but taking picture of Paris on my camera phone (note: I do not have a camera phone) would entertain me all summer? Only if she adds "me fucking" and by "entertain me all summer" she means "necessitate a prescription for Valtrex."

The article goes on to talk about appearance fees for NBA players and Britney Spears passing out at the club to much fanfare. Honestly, I want to say "good on you" to these celebrities who can get paid just to party. They are taking advantage of a severely fucked up system, and likely will blow whatever funds they get on strippers, drugs and child support.

But for those that go to these clubs just to see some untalented it girl or black man who can dunk, I say fuck you. You are the reason the terrorists hate us. And that goes double for all the sycophantic douchebags in the media who slobber the metaphorical knobs of the latest "stars." It's one thing to give appropriate adulation to someone with real talent, an artist that can make you realize something new and unique about the world. It's another to treat a no-talent slut/hack like Paris Hilton or Dane Cook* like they are above the law.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to prepare for an interview with Bam Margera.


*Seriously, I saw Vicious Circle last week. I was stoned and laughed once.