Important college football coverage

JUST AN VAUGHN

Now is as good a time as any to write about Northwestern University football. The team's record is 5-0 after escaping Minnesota's off-putting new outdoor stadium. Outdoor football? In Minnesota? On television? That shit fucking blew my mind into pieces.

Anyway, yes, the "cardiac cats" as they are sometimes known, less so now than before their coach died of a heart attack. Jesus, I always do that, with the Randy Walker jokes, anytime I try to write something about Northwestern's football team. Suppose it's better to put it out there now, relatively near the beginning, move on and possibly delete this graf later. "To let the weight off my spleen, as it were."

The team itself? I'm not sold, despite the record which has come against the likes Central Michigan and Vanderbilt. It will be fun to say things like "They won a game on the road against the SEC" out of context. QB Dan Persa, the pride of Bethlehem, Pa.*, has ably filled in as Mike Kafka's heir apparent, now that he (Kafka) is dealing with the inescapable bureaucracy that is the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback situation.

I think its very important to point out Northwestern's style of play on offense here. They play super fast, comparable perhaps to the old 90s Buffalo Bills of Jim Kelly and Super Bowl losses, shotgun spread. Which perhaps could help explain Northwestern's inability to win a Bowl game. Too much pressure on the defense and what have you. The aforementioned Kafka attempted 78 passes in the Outback Bowl last January, for example. Although convenient, I wonder why that game has a wikipedia page.

Hmmm, what else. Nothing really. Do the students still do the thing where they shake their keys before kickoffs? I always thought that was stupid, like, look at how affluent I am! I have keys! Anyway, I'd be remiss not to link to this after a win over Minnesota. Likely the weirdest thing I've ever published.

*Although, to be honest, he's no Jonathan Taylor Thomas or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

The Welsh-Ryan Tales

Once upon a time there was a young asiatic frenchman from Sacramento who could sling oblong spheroids great distances and with great accuracy. Many kings sought for him to lead their army's into battle, in far away lands such as Oregon State.

But nay, he said, "I must go to the lands of the Northwest, a man named Walker calls me to squire his purple-clad squadron to victory against far greater foes."

And it was such. The frenchman went east to the land of the Northwest, where he waited for his chance to prove himself in battle.

But then there was a time of great tragedy, and Walker was struck down before his time. The purple army was adrift in a sea of strife. Walker's great victories and killing of Wolverines were soon forgot, as the purple band's losses to Boilermakers and Hoosiers mounted.

But lo -- a new king rose in the land of the Northwest, a square-jawed monster determined to lift the purple warriors back to prominence through pure force of will. The square-jawed one knew he must find someone to aid him in his quest. And he saw the frenchman.

So the frenchman entered the fall of 2007 with the hopes of the entire Northwestern lands on his shoulders. Fortunately he had good warriors at his side, notably his longtime companion Tyrell the Stout.

The frenchman and his fellow purple-clad combatants successfully rebuked two enemy advances, but not without casualties. Tyrell the Stout was sent to the infirmary in a hard fought contest against a marauding Wolfpack.

So it went, as the lands of the Northwest were sacked by Blue Deviled invaders, crushed by Buckeyes and mauled by Wolverines. The square-jawed one called the frenchman into his chambers and issued him an ultimatum.

"FRENCHMAN, YOU MUST BEAT SPARTA OR I WILL EAT YOUR FACE. FORSOOTH."

"I will not fail," the frenchman replied through clenched teeth. "Even without Tyrell, we will defeat this spartan menace."

And the frenchman made it so -- setting East Lansing, Mich., ablaze as he sacked homes and raped coeds. When the carnage was completed, the frenchman retired to his meager quarters that he shared with another warrior, Mimms.

"Mimms, we have taken sparta, but a greater evil lurks on the horizon, I can sense it."

"Mmmpff," Mimms replied. Mimms wasn't known for his wisdom, or his ability to speak English.

A strange purple mist filled the room. And then a two-headed apparition appeared/

It spoke in a hollow voice, "Frenchman, you have usurped my sacred records, now I require the head of the gopher of gold."

"Who's there? Mimms is that you?"

"Noooo, tis not the tard. I am the spirit Brezac Basenok and I require penance. You have forgotten the teachings of Walker. You must slay the gopher of gold to honor your forbears. Woooo-ahhh-oooohhh." The Basenok then faded into nothingness.

Will the frenchman obtain the gopher of gold? Or lead his army to a bowl victory? Is this story going anywhere at all? Who knows? Here's Victory Right.

Cardiac Cats ... back?

If there is one thing to be learned from Northwestern's come from behind twice win over the ferocious Nevada Wolfpack this afternoon, it is that you cannot stop CJ Bacher, you can only hope to contain him.

At this point Bacher has a real chance to establish his place amongst the great NU quarterbacks of the past half-century. In other words, Brett Basanez and Zak Kustok. Shit, he's even got a weird name. Plus all 8 people with access to the Big Ten Network could watch him lay waste to the Nevada defense with his array of competent passing and shifty running.

Without stud running back Tyrell Sutton for most of the day due to a bum ankle, Bacher and the offense overcame a 24-10 halftime deficit, and then orchestrated the game-winning touchdown drive, marching 80 yards in less than a minute. Nice.

On the other hand, the 'Cats complete inability to stop the "devastating" straight-ahead running of Luke Lippincott meant problems all day, no moreso than when he busted one up the middle for a TD with 3:38 to play. Longtime NU fans I'm sure will be *SHOCKED* at an apparent lack of run defense.

This is classic Wildcat football, dynamic offense coupled with a bend and sometimes break D. It's got me dreaming of a bowl appearance, perhaps the Champs Sports Bowl. As long as its not that bullshit in Detroit I'll be happy.

So here's looking forward to next week's game against Duke, which is being played at 7 pm for some reason. After that they head to The Horseshoe and their first loss of the season. But then they've got Michigan in a possibly winnable game considering how the Wolverines have been playing. Chad Henne sucks.