Moonwalking Bird

Using my awesome powers of internet deduction, I have determined this to be "real"

The adventures of Pierre the Penguin

Once upon a time there was a penguin. His name was Pierre, even though he wasn't French. He was African. He tried to tell his hippy minders at the California Academy of Sciences about his true heritage, but they just called him a jackass.

Lo 25 years Pierre lived at the academy, where had no freedom with which to insult anyone. He and his fellow penguins were happy in their zoo-like enclosure, frolicking and doing whatever else it is that penguins do. Eat fish I guess.

But in his 25th year, Pierre began to have a bit of a problem. He was going bald.


His loss of feathers undermined his status as colony elder and patriarch. In fact, some of the younger penguins began to make light of his featherless ass. It was a sad time for Pierre, as he could not swim with incurring a horrendous chill.

His minder Pam was not going to let Pierre suffer forever. She knew Pierre's proud nature and bought him a heat lamp. It helped, but he still could not truly partake in the full penguin lifestyle. So Pam got in touch with some dude who makes wetsuits. After a custom fitting, Pierre was big pimping in his neoprene.



He returned to the colony where his new attire made him quite popular with the ladies. The wetsuit allowed him to frolic like a penguin half his age. His penguin brothers marveled at his newfound exuberance and stopped making fun of him. But they still only offered patronizing praise.

That all was about to change. Soon Pierre's feathers were growing back and he was able to banish from the colony his arch nemesis, Scuba Dog. It was only then that he truly regained his peers respect. For Scuba Dog had ruled the colony with an iron fist, constantly stealing the penguins eggs and requesting tacos. The End.

Puppy thrown

If I have learned anything from Mike Vick, it's that people care way more dogs' well-being than people's. So maybe this will finally cause some change, like uh, getting that guy lynched by some sort of virtual mob.

It turns out the alligator was sexually harassing that woman

You know, sometimes its hard to come up with stuff to post on here. To "feed the goat" if you will. And that's kind of weird because goats will eat anything.

Forced metaphors aside, one of the old standbys for posts here is something from the animal kingdom. So today let's take a look at the orcas of the forest: Bears.

These furry bastards have a long and storied history of entertainment value. I believe the first instance of bears in pop culture was Gentle Ben. OK that's not true. Bear baiting was fucking intense. (Note: Simpsons reference)

My personal bear experience is limited to two incidents:
1. Joe, my roommate in college, had a life-size snarling bear head wearing a football helmet. It was both disturbingly scary and proved his Chicago Bear fan bonafides. Many a visitor in our apartment were frightened by it. I believe one of his family members had actually made it, detailed painting and all. Clearly he comes from good stock.

2. Hiking in Glacier National Park I encountered a momma bear with her cub. We came around the bend and saw the little cub about 50 yards up the trail. It looked like a little raccoon. But my thought process went from "awwwww" to "Holy Shit, run away!" when its 400-pound parent came lumbering out of the woods. I'm just glad it wasn't a Grizzly.

Clearly these fuckers are a menace, Stephen Colbert will surely tell you. Although I think his singling out of Grant Hill is unfair and unwarranted.

Not really sure where all this is going, but I do know that Bears should be allowed to participate in eating competitions.

Whales, bitch!

So greenpeace had an online poll to name a whale. They offered all kinds of lame names like Libertad, Aiko, Shanti, etc. And they also included the name "Mister Splashy Pants" as a joke. And once again the internets prove their genius, as Mister Splashy Pants dominated the competition, gathering up some 78% of the 150,000 votes cast, despite hippy dweebs trying to alter Mister Splashy Pants' fate.

I guess the reason for this whole thing is to save the whales? What is this 1980? What the fuck have the whales ever done for me? Majestic dancers of the sea my ass. Greenpeace just wants to save the whales because they don't care about you and your family.

Did you know whales are the number one sea-going supporters of illegal immigrants? It's true. In fact, many a Mexican and Central American illegal ride Humpback whales to our shores, bypassing the stringent checkpoints along our secured borders. Fact. And then when the whales get here, they die, polluting our beaches. Ain't gonna be no beach blanket bingo with a big ol' whale carcass ruining the mood, thats for sure. Thankfully our brave first responders are doing the Lords work, blowing up whales.

Anyway -- back in reality -- Mister Splashy Pants is threatened by the Japanese and their hatred of all things large and oceanic. But you can make a difference by signing this petition urging the Japanese Fisheries Agency not to kill Mister Splashy Pants. Only you can save Mister Splashy Pants.

Penguins are awesome

Last night I was watching March of the Penguins (What? It's not like there was a football game on or anything) and I came to the conclusion that penguins are great. Easily in the animal top 10 and probably the only birds on the list.

Listening to the dulcet tones of Morgan Freeman describe those little suckers braving the cold of Antarctica on their 70-mile walk to and from the sea every couple months, I realized something. Awwwwwwwwwww.

Looking around the internets, there are a ton of homemade penguin movies set to electronica for some reason. Does the birds flightless nature mean they take e-bombs? I guess chilling under the aurora australis is kind of like being around a bunch of free-basing glowstick dancers.

You may remember the Futurama episode were Bender thinks he's a penguin. I just read the script and it was good. Penguins only have two goals in life: 1. Acquire food 2. Frolic. Always remember the wisdom of Free Waterfall Sr. who once said, "Look nobody enjoys shooting penguins. But if you have to shoot penguins, well you might as well enjoy it." Also the buttocks are nature's pocket.

In other news, this little gif amuses me.

As per usual I am a little late picking up on this whole penguin trend -- there have been a couple animated features in the past year or so capitalizing on penguin popularity. But to be honest, I prefer real life penguins, not the surfing or dancing variety.

Anyway, here's a video. I think its from the british version of Planet Earth. David Attenborough > Sigourney Weaver

Monkey Robots!

This may very well be the greatest thing in the history of the world.
But the scientists better be careful how they develop this technology, lest monkey-robot hybrids run amok and conquer the world as foretold in the Bible.

Laugh out loud cats

This video has been around the block, LIKE YOUR MOM. rimshot
But anyway, its Pinky the cat!

Haha, right in the groin. That will never get old.



/lame

Super Bowl build up

First let me say, I am pro Bears. Frankly I want this guy on my side.


All I know is if I don't offer some sort of SUPER BOWL preview/ analysis this blog is fucking worthless and probably against everything I stand for.

Hmmmm. I am definitely for the old Super Bowl replays on NFL Network. For ezample here is a horrible ghetto-style screenshot of the steelers defensive line in 1979.


And here is a steelers linebacker with his hand down his pants.


Thats it for now. I've got nothing funny to say, so here's a crocodile eating cinderella. I did not make it and have no idea where it came from.

Late Breaking: Tree Goats

There's another picture here

Bonus points awarded to anyone who can tell me what language they speak in the land of tree goats.

All hail the elusive bog turtle

Ah the turtle.
Truly one of natures greatest creatures.

Hey Mr. Jack, this is the cause of your demise

So I been neglecting the blog over the past couple weeks. Allow me to make it up to you with this skateboarding dog.



Just kidding here’s the video.




Best headline ever -- Judge:Burritos are not sandwiches

That’s all I got.

So bad its good: Deep Blue Sea

I was going to write So bad its good: Jet Li's The One, but I can't remember enough about it. There is not one universe, but a MULTIVERSE.

So Deep Blue Sea it is. Renny Harlin's crowning achievement. As I always say, "Its as good as a movie about super-intelligent sharks can possibly be." I mean just look at the poster.

That shark is totally sneaking up on her! Also, the lead actresses name is Saffron. Like the herb.

In case you haven't seen it, which is inexcusable, its about a team of researchers led by saffron, Stellan Skarsgaard and SLJ in nerd mode. They work at an underwater research facility, where they are testing alzheimers medicine on sharks? Maybe? All I know is "The sharks got smarter." Also, LL Cool J is a wise-ass cook.

Anyway, Tom Jane brings his crack team of shark afficianados(or whatever, Jane knows sharks, in the biblical sense) down to the undersea facility, when a storm/helicopter crash floods the facility, setting the sharks on the hunt. On the hunt for humans. (sorry)


Key scenes
LL Cool J escapes from shark by climbing into his own oven. After the shark ate his pet parrot. The shark turns on the oven, cause it wants a hot meal of course. So LL uses the hatchet he happens have on his person to hack through to the upper oven, at which point he dives over the shark, which is still attacking the lower oven. Stupid super-intelligent sharks, when will you learn? He then delivers the classic one liner "You ate ma' bird." and throws his lighter back into the oven/shark region causing an explosion. I guess they were gas ovens.

Saffron strips down (wooo woooo!) because she must use her wetsuit for its non-conductive properties when she totally electrocutes another shark. Pretty sure this wouldn't work. Got my fingers crossed that they'll test it on Mythbusters, otherwise we may never know.

LL Cool J escapes death by stabbing a shark in the eye with his cross necklace.

And of course, the immortal scene where SLJ delivers a totally cliched inspirational speech, followed instantly by a shark eating him. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip, but this 10 second highlight reel is chock full o' shark-bitey goodness.

Crikey!

This is an imaginary conversation I had with myself just now.

Me: I have bad news, the crocodile hunter is dead.

Them: What?

Me: Yeah, Steve Irwin is no longer with us.

Them:NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How did he die?

Me: The old poisonous stingray barb to the heart.

Them: Well, I guess I should have seen that coming.

Me: True, all too true. That stingray must pay.

Also, I am going to go out and buy "Collision Course" and watch it all day, while weeping. Much like the Croc Hunter after the loss of this gator.

motherfucking Snakes in the motherfucking Plane!

Wow, so I saw that today, and it was so full of motherfucking ass-kickerery that I don't know where to start.
I gotta preface with the fact this is one of my favorite kinds of films, meaning tongue-in-cheek and totally ridiculous. For example, I have long-enjoyed both Starship Troopers and Deep Blue Sea.

As a movie, I'm not sure it is as good as the above mentioned 'masterworks' but as a phenomenon it definitely kicks the shit out of their motherfucking ass. When a mere sentence uttered by Samuel L. Jackson is enough to bring claps from everyone in the sparsely-populated theater, you know you are witnessing something special.

Witness. "Enough is ENOUGH! I've had it with these MOTHERFUCKING snakes on this MOTHERFUCKING plane" Delivered with straight-up "Ezekiel 25:17" inflection as patented by SLJ. It will go down as one of the most memorable lines in the history of cinema. At least the best use of motherfucker. Yippee-Ky-Yay, motherfucker? You are one ugly motherfucker? I don't know.

But I did think Kenan Thompson killed it as the video game aficionado/pilot. At least compared to him as Fat Albert. But then again, the bar was pretty low.

Every scene was totally gratuituous. Surfing? Motocross? Sex in airplane bathroom? Snakes biting the shit out of people?
In fact, I'm pretty sure that every single part of the human anatomy was bitten at some point.
"Fucking snake get off my dick!" Yes--someone actually says that.

Also, I may have to deconstruct Snakes on a Plane vs. Deep Blue Sea. As I always say, If not me, who? If not later, when?

Goats>Monkeys...for now

Some call them 'Tennessee Meat Goats.' Fantastic.