BEWARE ... WEAPON X

Apparently that is the name of Dawkins' alter ego, seen in the picture above attacking one Clinton Portis' many alter egos. If you missed the pregame piece where BDawk brandishes wolverine claws, well you really missed out. He has healing factor!

I may or may not get some sort of lazy-ass liveblog going here, we shall see.
This has got to be the most homerific booth ever. Kornheiser just went on a ridiculous monologue about how he loves Joe Gibbs and wants to softly stroke his hair, and Jaworski pretty much bleeds Eagles green, having lead them to the super bowl and all. I can only hope this ends with Jaws telling Kornheiser he slept with his wife.

Haha Reno Mahe is getting the biggest cheers out of any of the Eagles. Fielding punts is serious business. That crazy Tongan bastard shares a bloodline with former Eagles punt returner turned local sportscaster Vai Sikahema, that's how you know he's good.

Donovan just scrambled but he is now slow, Eagles punt. I'd like to take this opportunity to question the blatant racial epithet that is the Redskins team name. I mean, isn't "redskin" pretty much a slur? It's not like the somewhat ambiguous Warrior" or an actual native american tribe, "Illini. Just saying. It's not as bad as the "New Orleans N*ggers" (it's a chocolate city?) but I don't think that "Chicago Degos" or "Los Angeles Wallbiters" would go over so well. Nips.

Ugh, this game is boring. Control the clock eh? Fuck you Joe Gibbs! I'm going to entertain myself by watching this video of Rob Stone straight pimping Julie Foudy and Heather Mitts live on air. I envy Rob Stone right now.


Huzzah, a bit of a drive. Future all-pro Jason Avant makes a nice catch falling out of bounds on third down, followed by a couple nice runs by Westbrook. Meanwhile, Andy Reid's family life is in shambles, like anyone cares. Garrett Reid just blew a line in the bathroom of a dive bar in Norristown.

Greg Lewis caught a little screen pass for three yards and got booed. Thats what he gets for muffing a punt. He probably has to gain about 50 yards before the fans will forget that. Meanwhile, Mike Tirico thinks the boos are because of the playcall. Mike Tirico is a moron.

Just checked in on the Phillies. They are beating the hell out of St. Louis. It will be unfortunate when they miss the wild card by one game. Can I place a bet on that? Seriously, I'll consider even odds with anyone that they finish one game out. It's what they do. In other news, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONOVAN COMPLETE A PASS. The clock is ticking, from what I hear.

Gah its halftime and I think this post is done. What a glorious game. It's 10-6 Redskins thanks to the last minute TD from Chris Cooley. I don't really mind losing to a guy who did 21 shots of Jim Beam, even if that story is likely made up.

For yourmy halftime entertainment, here's this video from the onion. Domestic violence=hilarity!

Sexy Doodle Dandy

Some of the best films are foreign.



Eagles take on the Foreskins tonight in a classic NFC East matchup. Go birds!



That's all for now.

254 greatest movies of all time: #116 &117 Kill Bill

I was inspired by watching the last hour of Commando to do another one of these. Not on Commando of course, gotta delay the top ten til later. Just kidding, Commando isn't in the top ten. Or is it?

So lets take a look at the Kill Bill movies. Mmmmm, ultra-stylized violence. I'm sure it won't be the last time Quentin Tarantino makes an appearance in these completely arbitrary rankings. In fact I'd wager all his films could find themselves here sooner or later (except maybe grindhouse, which I haven't seen).

I am putting the Kill Bill movies together because of the whole "one narrative" thing, but they take up two spots. Lets say Vol. 2 is slightly better so thats your #116.

I've heard the first volume described as an western eastern and the second described as a eastern western. I have no idea what that means, but you can see the influences of spaghetti westerns, martial arts and samurai movies. Also, this movie is further proof that the RZA is the man (he did the score).

First lets take a look at a clip. This is the part where the bride takes out like 50 dudes in five minutes.

And because I can't enough of the kickass fight scenes, here's the showdown between the Bride and Elle Driver.


Tagline: Revenge is a dish best served cold

Plot Spoilers: The bride kills everybody on her list, including Bill with the five point palm exploding heart technique. Her name is Beatrix Kiddo and she reunites with her daughter at the end.

Best Character: Oh man this is tough. So many options. Of course in a movie where all the characters are assassins that is to be expected. The bride seems too obvious. O-Ren Ishii and Go-Go warrant mentioning. But I'm going to have to go with the old man, Pai Mei. From the first story Bill tells of his killing 60-some monks because of one perceived slight to his death via poisoned fish heads, the shaolin master keeps it real with his ridiculous moustache. Not to mention his whole 3-inch punch training ends up saving the Bride's ass when she is buried alive.


Notable Quotes:
The Bride: How did you find me?
Bill: I'm the man.

[looking at the Bride in her coma]
Buck: Price is $75 a fuck, my friend. You getting your freak on, or what?
Trucker: Oh yeah, boy.
[gives Buck the money]
Buck: Now here are the rules. Rule Number One: no punching her. The nurse comes in tomorrow and she got a shiner or less some teeth, jig's up. So, no knuckle sandwiches under no circumstances. And by the way, this little cunt's a spitter. It's a motor-reflex thing. But spit or not, no punching. Now, are we absolutely, positively clear on Rule Number One?
Trucker: Yeah.
Buck: Good. Now, Rule Number Two: no monkey bites, and no hickeys. In fact, no leaving no marks of any kind on her. After that, it's all good, buddy. Now, her plumbing down there don't work no more, so feel free to come in her all you want. Keep the noise down, try not to make a mess. I'll be back in twenty.
[Buck starts to leave, but snaps his fingers and turns back]
Buck: Oh, shit! By the way, not every time but sometimes this chick's cooch will get drier than a bucket of sand. If she's dry, just lube up with this,
[tosses him a jar labeled "VasaLube"]
Buck: and you'll be good to go. Bon Appetite, good buddy.

Budd: She's got a Hanzo sword?
Bill: He made one for her.
Budd: Didn't he swear a blood oath to never make another sword?
Bill: It would appear he has broken it.
Budd: Them Japs sure know how to hold a grudge.
[laughs]
Budd: Or maybe, you just tend to bring that out in people.

[Esteban, an 80-year-old pimp, appraises The Bride]
Esteban Vihaio: If I had met you forty years ago, you would have been my Number One lady.
The Bride: Well, I'm flattered.
Esteban Vihaio: You goddamn better well be.

The Bride: Go-Go, I know you feel you must protect your mistress. But I beg you, walk away.
[Go-Go giggles girlishly]
Go Go Yubari: You call that begging? You can beg better than that.

Another reason to see them: As with most Tarantino movies, the music is totally amazing. In passing I'll mention the 5,6,7,8s performance in the house of blue leaves; Elle Driver whistling "Twisted Nerve" on her way to poison the bride; and the outstanding use of "Battle without honor or humanity" throughout. Also, there's lots of blood.

What's up, bitches!

"It's always sunny in Philadelphia" is back. I'm going to go out on a limb and say its the funniest show on television. So far over the line on a regular basis. The office ain't got shit on it.

I think my favorite episode is the one where they get the old Nazi gear. Either that or the one where Charlie pretends to have cancer. It's like the anti-Friends. Warms the cockles of my godless soul.

Anyway -- check out this web episode to get primed for the new season.

Monkey Robots!

This may very well be the greatest thing in the history of the world.
But the scientists better be careful how they develop this technology, lest monkey-robot hybrids run amok and conquer the world as foretold in the Bible.

The man on the street can eat a dick

Yeah you heard me. In case you don't know what I mean by "man on the street" it's the shit in your local newspaper where some random jerk comments on a big national story. This is often called "localizing"

And I fucking hate doing it. I don't want to talk to random people. I am anti-social except when I'm drunk or on drugs. Why do you think I blog?

Today, for example, I had to go out and ask people about what they think about the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11. Are you suffering from 9/11-mourning fatigue? Do you think they've done enough to catch Bin Laden? Is there any more meaningless anniversary than 6th? Have you ever hijacked an airplane? And so on.

I guess maybe I should have considered this before I became a reporter. Fourth estate my ass. Is it good that I hate the media as a member of the media? Grah. At least I'm not Chuck Storm.

Wherefore art thou, Jeremy Bloom?

I couldn't watch the entire Eagles-Packers game, because I was at work. Well I did watch the first half in its entirety because I was the only person in the newsroom. But then the enormously fat copy editor waddled in wheezing like a bastard.

Rather than engage in conversation with the 500 pound man while he devoured an entire 20-piece bucket from KFC, I went back to my desk. He then inexplicably changed the channel to the Phillies. I caught snippets of the second half, but fortunately missed the ending field goal.

So I'll avoid making any in depth analysis of the game, except to say -- Greg Lewis, WHY? Did you forget your crack? Seriously the guy is a dead ringer for Tyrone Biggums. Too bad the game was in crack-free Green Bay. If only they flew into Milwaukee, he could have run down to the corner. Then with his crack-fueled super senses he never would have muffed that punt in the first quarter, allowing the Pack their only touchdown.

Also, I'm pretty sure JR Reed had his leg amputated like 2 years ago. I guess it grew back? Like a starfish?

Yeah I don't have a point. Congrats Green Bay, maybe this week one victory will finally avenge 4th and 26. Can Freddie Mitchell can return kicks? I'm pretty sure he's available.

Anyway my (red)hat's off to Brett Favre and the rest of the Packers. You managed to take advantage of the Eagles' miscues and win your home opener. Surely Favre will get some robot parts installed midseason and guide that scrappy group of youngsters to the playoffs.

But beware Purple Jesus. He is a vengeful Jesus.

Cardiac Cats ... back?

If there is one thing to be learned from Northwestern's come from behind twice win over the ferocious Nevada Wolfpack this afternoon, it is that you cannot stop CJ Bacher, you can only hope to contain him.

At this point Bacher has a real chance to establish his place amongst the great NU quarterbacks of the past half-century. In other words, Brett Basanez and Zak Kustok. Shit, he's even got a weird name. Plus all 8 people with access to the Big Ten Network could watch him lay waste to the Nevada defense with his array of competent passing and shifty running.

Without stud running back Tyrell Sutton for most of the day due to a bum ankle, Bacher and the offense overcame a 24-10 halftime deficit, and then orchestrated the game-winning touchdown drive, marching 80 yards in less than a minute. Nice.

On the other hand, the 'Cats complete inability to stop the "devastating" straight-ahead running of Luke Lippincott meant problems all day, no moreso than when he busted one up the middle for a TD with 3:38 to play. Longtime NU fans I'm sure will be *SHOCKED* at an apparent lack of run defense.

This is classic Wildcat football, dynamic offense coupled with a bend and sometimes break D. It's got me dreaming of a bowl appearance, perhaps the Champs Sports Bowl. As long as its not that bullshit in Detroit I'll be happy.

So here's looking forward to next week's game against Duke, which is being played at 7 pm for some reason. After that they head to The Horseshoe and their first loss of the season. But then they've got Michigan in a possibly winnable game considering how the Wolverines have been playing. Chad Henne sucks.

Phriday Philler

Someday I will become a god among bros.


Heard rumors that The Wire is coming back on January 6. Finally, I have something to live for. Not sure how accurate that exact date is as I saw it in the comments section over at FreeDarko, but I'm going to go ahead and assume its true. Good stuff from the Washington Post, who was there on the final day of shooting. Gotta keep the devil down in the hole.

Speaking of freedarko, the latest post over there raises some interesting points. ie did you know the Shaq apparently is Muslim? Shocking that the NBA doesn't play that up more. Louis Farrakhan is widely accepted as mainstream by now right?

Gah its been a slow week and I'm fried. So here's a video of a dude lighting a firecracker in his mouth. He'd be stupid not too.



Later on kids -- I'm going to go rig up a homemade spoiler for my car. Enjoy the weekend.

It's hard out here for a pimp

/nuff said

midweek pablum

Once again the creative juices are running on empty on humpday. So that means either a Onion news video or something I can find on YouTube in five minutes.
Lets go with this "Hipster Olympics" jawn that has made the rounds a bit. It's from the comedy troupe POYKPAC, which apparently stands for "Pictures of your kids pooping and crying."

PURE garbage

I came across an article on the AP wire last week about how clubs are paying celebrities to make appearances. Central to the article is PURE, which is the fucking abortion of a nightclub at Caesars Palace.

A little background: When I attended Metzger's bachelor party in Vegas, we "got the hookup" which allowed us to enter said club and get a VIP table. What they don't tell you is that you have to get bottle service at the table, with a 4 bottle minumum. You may think that paying $400 for a bottle of absolut or Johnny Walker RED would make you enjoy it more. It doesn't.

dr.gpiece and I enjoy our time as VIPs

I must admit it was kind of cool to sit in the VIP section, with our own bouncer. He even brought girls over to us, so they could look on with disdain while doing $25 shots of booze. Sound bitter? Well I am. If memory serves only one person at the party got any play that night, and it was with some sort of local hippie.

My point is Pure sucks, and should be avoided at all costs. I would actually pay money NOT to go there at this point. Granted "clubs" aren't really my scene -- what with the turbos and overpriced drinks -- but it's hard for me to badmouth anywhere that serves alcohol and has hot women.

When I spotted the article on the AP wire -- little free advertising for a place I wish would host a Great White concert -- I died a little inside. It details how Paris Hilton and Britney Spears were paid more money than I make in five years to party at the club for one night. From the article:

"It's fun to be famous and rich. That's why people pay to get in and watch," said Lori Levine, the president of Flying Television, a talent-booking firm in New York.
"If you go to a club to see one of the 'It' girls, you take a photo on your phone and you'll have a story to tell for the rest of the summer," she said.

Nevermind that Lori Levine is only quotable because she gobbles cock like its scrambled eggs, but taking picture of Paris on my camera phone (note: I do not have a camera phone) would entertain me all summer? Only if she adds "me fucking" and by "entertain me all summer" she means "necessitate a prescription for Valtrex."

The article goes on to talk about appearance fees for NBA players and Britney Spears passing out at the club to much fanfare. Honestly, I want to say "good on you" to these celebrities who can get paid just to party. They are taking advantage of a severely fucked up system, and likely will blow whatever funds they get on strippers, drugs and child support.

But for those that go to these clubs just to see some untalented it girl or black man who can dunk, I say fuck you. You are the reason the terrorists hate us. And that goes double for all the sycophantic douchebags in the media who slobber the metaphorical knobs of the latest "stars." It's one thing to give appropriate adulation to someone with real talent, an artist that can make you realize something new and unique about the world. It's another to treat a no-talent slut/hack like Paris Hilton or Dane Cook* like they are above the law.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to prepare for an interview with Bam Margera.


*Seriously, I saw Vicious Circle last week. I was stoned and laughed once.

A-TRAIN DROPPED THE BALL

On a day when michigan lost to a Division I-AA Football Championship Subdivision team, I just want to remember that magical fall of 2000. Santana made music magic with Rob Thomas, Scary Movie was redefining comedy, the frat was still more than two years away from "whale-gate" and I watched Northwestern beat Big Blue in one of the most ridiculous games in college football history.



So congrats to you, Appalachian State Mountaineers. With this win and locking down the enrollment of Miss Teen South Carolina, you are putting yourselves on the map. South Africa.

Also as an aside -- Comcast needs to stop the pissing the contest with the Big Ten over the broadcast rights. Y'all fucking rape my wallet every month already, just show me the goddamn games. I am get the sports tier already, jerks! Sure I could go out to a bar with DirectTV to get my fill of CJ Bacher and Tyrell Sutton, but then I would have to leave my apartment. Rant Over.

Phriday Philler

Hey capitalists, judgement day is coming comrades! Your freewheeling days of lending money to people who are too poor to repay it will be the cause of your demise. Also, the bigger the rise, the harder the fall.

Impeach Dick Cheney. Or go to war with Iran. One or the other.


On a lighter note, you may recall classic simpsons where Homer eats the insanity pepper. You may remember the classic Sea Captain ending with its precious cargo of hot pants. Homer goes on a crazy trip after eating the pepper -- space coyotes, kicking tortoises, waking up on a golf course and "Sunrise! Sunset!" Well I came across this here page which is about 37x more enjoyable via remembering those particular Homer-hijinks. Just scroll your mouse up and down over the picture.



The Coen Brothers are coming out with a new movie. I think the street cred they have built up more than overcomes the subpar Ladykillers. Anyway, "No Country For Old Men" looks fucking amazing. You can check out the R-rated trailer here (requires age verification, but then again this blog is rated NC-17). Oh Woody Harrelson, you had me at bubonic plague.


That's it, I recommend you enjoy your Labor Day weekend by doing the puppet master.

Make em say uhhhhhhh, na-na na-na

I'm down here slangin, rollin with these hustlers
Tryin to get rid of all you haters and you bustas
-Pat "The Bat" Burrell*

Yeah the Phils just wrapped up an epic 4-game sweep of the Mets. The last three games were decided on the final at-bat.

First Ryan Howard hit a walk-off homer on Tuesday. Then Marlon Anderson was called for interference in while trying to break up a double play on Wednesday. And then Chase Utley, fresh of the DL, came through with a game-winning hit in the bottom of the ninth today.

Burrell continued his career-long raping of the Mets -- hows it feel boys?

And lets all give a big "ahhhh so" to Tadahito Iguchi, who has been going all kamikaze on NL pitchers since coming over from the White Sox. He got the game tying RBI and scored the game winning run today. Nips.

I gotta go drinking so as a closing thought, Billy Wagner gave up like 800 steals in the 9th inning this afternoon. I'll take old Wifebeater McAngry over him any day of the week and twice on Sunday. It's appropriate. Two games back bitches!


*may or may not have been said by Pat Burrell

Taking the show on the road

A friend of mine sent this video to me, and since I haven't posted in a while due to some business travel, I thought I would share. This guy has a lot of time on his hands, but hey, I'm blogging so I don't have much room to talk. For the record, southern Maryland is very boring, but the crabs are good. And no, not those kind of crabs.



I've seen people open bottles of beer with various objects: paper, lighters, shoes, etc., but nothing like this. Kudos. She's a keeper. Added bonus if she could add a lime to the beer without using her hands.



With football season approaching, I decided to throw in this video. This kid has some talent and raw speed. Looks like he tears up his pee-wee league much like Joseph Addai did to the Eagles last year in Indianapolis. Ugly. I bet USC has already contacted him regarding a verbal commitment.



That's it for now. Expect a new Deathmatch Listoff shortly.

cRAZY music videos

Not too much going on, I've been entertaining myself watching the idiocy that is Miss Teen South Carolina about a dozen times. It's like a car crash, excruciating yet I cannot look away.

Anyway, I got a couple random-ass kinda-electonica music videos from Scandinavia for your possible infotainment.

First we have this little guy. It is featured on youtube, which generally means worth watching(?), especially if its not some tool talking into the camera. You can tell those by the fact that it's just someones head in the preview.

It's from the Icelandic band Mum for their song "They made frogs smoke till they exploded." The video fits the song somehow.



Next we have Norwegian duo Royksopp and their song "Remind Me," which you may remember from that Geico commercial where the caveman is riding on the moving walkway at the airport. It's pretty much the most informative video I have ever seen. I think they should broadcast this out into space. SCIENCE!
The understated joke, according to the person who put it up on Youtube (the most reliable source possible), is all the elaborate systems humans have set up just to sit in a box and look at a screen all day. Either that or the miraculous complexities of modern life.

Brett Myers: Classy Individual

I'm sure you are all aware of Phillies closer Brett Myers blowing the game by giving up two dongs on Saturday night. No? Well take it from me it was awful. Just a small part of the Phillies slow march toward losing the Wild Card by one game. I think it will be to the Braves this year. But what you may not have heard is the postgame blowup between Myers and a 20some-year veteran of the Inquirer sportsdesk. Here's a transcript of the exchange via Bugs & Cranks. I am going to refrain from any domestic abuse jokes.

Sam Carchidi: “You thought they both were pop ups?”

Brett Myers: “Yeah, didn’t you? You think they crushed ‘em?”

SC: “The first one I thought was out, the second one no.”

BM: “Yeah, cause you’re a retard, you don’t know shit about fuckin’ baseball. You’re filling in for somebody.”

SC: “How do you spell ‘retard’?”

BM: “You know how to spell it, it’s in your fuckin’ vocabulary, I’m sure you know.”

SC: “You are classy, I’ll tell ya.”

BM: “Go on. [Get] outta here, you fuckin’ idiot.”

SC: [pointing at Brett Myers] “You’re the fuckin’ idiot.”

BM: “Hey! You pointin’ at me motherfucker?! I’ll tell you what, dude, I’ll knock you mutherfucking out! FUCK YOU!!! You’re tough when fuckin’ people are standing in front of you, aren’t you, you piece of shit! Come on! You fucking idiot. Yeah, you’re tough when fuckin’ people are standing in front of you, you stupid ass.”

SC: “I’m a retard?”

BM: “Yeah, that’s right, YOU ARE, you’re a fucking idiot. You ask stupid ass fucking questions!”

In no way am I influenced by my journalistic background in saying that Brett Myers is on steroids.

Although the reporter is clearly being a prick. I know old heads like that guy at work -- they are all like "the internet is fad" and shit.

Edited audio of the exchange here.

Cooler Pants

J.D. Durbin is the best starting pitcher on the Phillies right now. There I said it.

Landon Donovan is a pussy

If there is one man that personifies American soccer, it's Landycakes. He's tied with douchebag ESPN announcer Eric Wynalda for first all time goals US international goals, with 34. 39th place in the world. Pele is 3rd with 77. You got a long way to go no matter how much water you drink there buddy.


I'm sitting here watching an epic LA Galaxy-Chivas USA matchup, aka the second game David Beckham has started in the MLS and the first on the four letter.


Beckham played for England yesterday (in England). Donovan played for the USA against Sweden (in Sweden. they lost). Beckham is hobbling about the field on his balky ankle; Donovan is on the bench looking stoned. Sure goldenballs is being paid enough to be called goldenballs, but I'll let you be the judge of who doesn't suck.

Landycakes personifies American soccer. I can picture Donovan, already balding at 12, riding in the back of his mom's minivan on his way to practice. He's no Carlos Tevez.


Shit, we call it SOCCER. That is a lame name. Everywhere else they call it football. I guarantee that if you took a poll of Americans they would overwhelmingly vote football a more badass name than soccer, regardless of sport.

Oh shit, Cobi Jones is still alive. You may remember him from when the World Cup was in the US in 1994. He scored a goal that year? Internet detective work inconclusive. Anyway he is playing with Beckham right now, because Landon Donovan is a pussy.

UPDATE: Somebody on Chivas just gratuitously kicked Beckham in the stomach, and then another Chivas player headbutted another guy. We have two red cards, and the ref just ended the half rather than play the 4 minutes of stoppage time. Fuckin right. We got 10 men aside coming out in the second half, but first heres your USA women's soccer update.

*crickets*

FINAL UPDATE: Maykel Galindo with the brace! It's too bad the LA Galaxy suck. Even Wynalda says the fans should be booing. Just wait til goldenballs leaves the pitch, dumbass.

You cannot stop Chivas USA, you can only hope to contain them.