Landon Donovan is a pussy

If there is one man that personifies American soccer, it's Landycakes. He's tied with douchebag ESPN announcer Eric Wynalda for first all time goals US international goals, with 34. 39th place in the world. Pele is 3rd with 77. You got a long way to go no matter how much water you drink there buddy.


I'm sitting here watching an epic LA Galaxy-Chivas USA matchup, aka the second game David Beckham has started in the MLS and the first on the four letter.


Beckham played for England yesterday (in England). Donovan played for the USA against Sweden (in Sweden. they lost). Beckham is hobbling about the field on his balky ankle; Donovan is on the bench looking stoned. Sure goldenballs is being paid enough to be called goldenballs, but I'll let you be the judge of who doesn't suck.

Landycakes personifies American soccer. I can picture Donovan, already balding at 12, riding in the back of his mom's minivan on his way to practice. He's no Carlos Tevez.


Shit, we call it SOCCER. That is a lame name. Everywhere else they call it football. I guarantee that if you took a poll of Americans they would overwhelmingly vote football a more badass name than soccer, regardless of sport.

Oh shit, Cobi Jones is still alive. You may remember him from when the World Cup was in the US in 1994. He scored a goal that year? Internet detective work inconclusive. Anyway he is playing with Beckham right now, because Landon Donovan is a pussy.

UPDATE: Somebody on Chivas just gratuitously kicked Beckham in the stomach, and then another Chivas player headbutted another guy. We have two red cards, and the ref just ended the half rather than play the 4 minutes of stoppage time. Fuckin right. We got 10 men aside coming out in the second half, but first heres your USA women's soccer update.

*crickets*

FINAL UPDATE: Maykel Galindo with the brace! It's too bad the LA Galaxy suck. Even Wynalda says the fans should be booing. Just wait til goldenballs leaves the pitch, dumbass.

You cannot stop Chivas USA, you can only hope to contain them.