The city that loves you back

I'm unaware of the geographical makeup of the Fainting Goats fan base, but I do know the origins: Philadelphia. We're at a low right now: without a professional championship (in the four major sports) since 1983, a homicide count currently at the 200 mark, and we've lost the title of being the 5th most populous city in the United States to Phoenix. One thing has us looking up, literally: the new addition to the skyline, the Comcast Center, will be the tallest building between New York and Chicago, barely towering over some building in the city Ichiro would rather get punched in the face than have to spend time in. Things will turn around, I can feel it, especially with our mayor on the job, oh actually, he's in line for a new iPhone.

That being said, how about a video:



Fucking right.

The Mutts are in town and I'd like to see some quality photoshop work of Jose Reyes getting shived by JRoll or something. Damn I hate the Mets.

I'll leave you with one last link: test your mouse skills with this winner.

Phriday Philler

First we got this collection of some of the most influential photos of all time. Some serious thought-provoking stuff there. A warning though, some of its pretty intense.

And to lighten things up check out this webcomic about the crazy adventures of fruits and vegetables. I don't know what the point of it is, but it made me chuckle.

Lets see, what else? There's this video of a businessman going nuts in a hotel lobby. Can you say epic meltdown? I don't think he needs any more coffee, but you never know. Feel sorry for the woman who is trying to calm him down. Also it's probably fake.

Oh man that is fucking classic. What is with his SPELLING!

Thats it for now, I'll be back next week with more of the barely coherent blog posts you've come to know and tolerate.
IAN WHERE ARE YOU!

While the sinners sin, the children play

Well, the NBA draft is happening tonight. A friend of mine at the paper I work for is in MSG covering it. I had suggested to him blogging from the draft, which would have been freaking awesome. Unfortunately the suits at the NBA got wind of it and put the kibosh on that (live blog that is). He is still making some posts, just not during the actual telecast, check it out at the www.dailylocal.com sports tab, plus then you can see the amazing graphic I made. Not gonna post the link, unfortunately, because the fainting goats probably shouldn't show up on the tracking logs at work.

But anyway, I'm going to do a shitty liveblog, purely out of spite. Fuck you NBA. If you want to see a much better liveblog, check out Bethlehem Shoals over at Deadspin.

Here we go:

They just interviewed Joakim Noah and his suit does not disappoint. I'm pretty sure he just got Jeff Daniels tux from Dumb and Dumber modified fit him bleached. That is the greatest thing I have seen this week. Pic is likely coming. Here it is, with bonus Stu Scott action!

The blazers pick Oden, because THAT'S WHAT THEY HAD TO DO /SAS
He was putting on hand sanitizer so as to not get commissioner Stern sick. Just an outstanding human being.

Wow, they just announced the Celtics are trading for Ray Allen, just giving up the fifth pick, Delonte West and Wally Szerbiak. The Sports Guy's head just exploded.

Durant goes 2, no surprise there. So the sonics will have Jeff Green and Kevin Durant to go with Shard. Not too shabby.

And with the third pick the Hawks take Al Horford. The 47th year in a row Atlanta has taken a forward with their first pick.

Memphis is on the clock. My gut and the leaked info from ESPN says they take Mike Conley Jr. 100% correct. AND we have the obligatory interview with Mike Conley Sr.

Alright this is fucking lame. I hate doing this liveblog shit. I've made my point so that's it for now. Clearly the NBA has learned its lesson? I may post something later, like after the sixers pick. PEACE

And two hours later I'm back. The sixers drafted THADDEUS Young and Daequan Cook, but supposedly Cook is getting traded for some white big guy (Jason Smith).

But the real point I want to make here is the international incident in the making that is Yi Jianlian getting drafted by Milwaukee. How many more of our pets will be poisoned by imported dog food before Yi can go to a city that doesn't suck?

Also the Phillies are in the bottom of the 10th and rain is pouring down. Chris Wheeler is personally offended by the puddles in the infield. BUT Jroll just hit a gapper with two men on to end it. FA REAL.

Now lets see who the sixers take with their third first round pick. Until that happens, I'm going to look for a good video to cap this off with.

Petteri Koponen! Finns forever.

And to cap it off, here's the dramatic groundhog Kill Bill remix.

The tail.. errr... tale of two Tysons

Welly-welly-well! After almost a year of loyalty to Fainting Goats, I've been granted posting access so I, too, can share my thoughts and opinions on various topics, or, simply get real wasted and put down the first thing that comes to mind and then erase it the next day when I regain composure. Like that time THope and I ran into sideburns at Kildare's in the Dub-C...

Alright, I digress. I didn't know what to talk about to pop my posting cherry. I still have no idea what I want to talk about, I just want to lose my blogging virginity and get it over with. Kind of like the girl in junior high who would date an older guy just so he would take advantage of her and she could be the first in her group of friends to get laid. Then she gets knocked up in 8th grade and has to leave 5th period early to get an ultrasound. Pretty sure that girl went no where in life, which is probably the fate of my blogging career.

Any who, here's a video compilation of Iron Mike Tyson, most of which from before he gave that girl VD, set to the tune of "Final Countdown" by Europe.



And for something completely different, here's an English Bulldog, named Tyson, skateboarding.



Well, that's all I have at the moment. Expect more gems like this in the future.

Yeah, thats good

Congrats everybody, we are well on our way to setting the record for most contributors who never contribute to a blog. But don't worry, I don't have anything better to do. Except drink, but I can do that and this at the same time.




"Ohh baby, you are so talented. And they are so DUMB"







Anyway, steroid-fueled reader Dan, probably the only regular visitor who doesn't have posting priviledges, linked to video in the comments about the new microsoft tabletop computer thingy. I was going to post it up here, but then realized I was bored less than a minute in and this isn't Gizmodo. Although if I ever do get one of these surface doo-dads (not likely on a journalist salary) I would be all like "There hasn't been a murder in six years. The system, it is perfect" or "Everybody runs, Fletch. Everybody runs"



But anyway, my point?
This video of course. Because I enjoy the mocking of things I can't afford.

drunk

I wanted to post a video of Carlos Ruiz (Phillies catcher) stealing home, but sadly it was unavailable. Failing that, I wanted to post a video of Laser Dragon University. But it is unembedable. Jerks. Then I watched the first 15 seconds of this and thought it was kind of cool. So here it is in lieu of some sort of coherent post.


Sorry but I went out for my roommates 24th birthday Tuesday night and I got nothing else.

Fucking Yeti.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!1!!1!1

Here's that Benny Fielhaber goal that beat Mexico on Sunday. The call isn't as good as Max Bretos' on Fox Soccer Channel. But I think fainting goats was missing a dude screaming goal in spanish.

A decision that tears at the very fabric of society

Today the Supreme Court ruled against the "Bong Hits for Jesus" kid. In case you hadn't heard, a high school kid displayed this sign when the Olympic torch passed through on its way Salt Lake City in 2002.

Now that is just some good old fashioned fun! But apparently the sign could be interpreted as promoting drug use, and the supreme court agrees that the term "bong hits" could refer to the smoking of drugs.
It's news to me:

Student Joseph Frederick said the banner's language was meant to be nonsensical and funny, a prank to get on television as the Winter Olympic torch relay passed by the school in Juneau, Alaska.
But school officials say the phrase "bong hits" refers to smoking marijuana. Principal Deborah Morse suspended Frederick for 10 days because she said the banner advocated or promoted illegal drug use in violation of school policy.

Well at least someone is looking out for the children. Bong hits 4 Jesus? Jesus twern't no hippie you damn dirty, uh, hippies!

But seriously, why is the highest court in the land ruling on the interpretation of the phrase bong hits? Isn't their other things they can be doing -- like awarding Anna Nicole Smith her late husband's estate or deciding a presidential election. You know, important stuff.

I can't wait til they ban talking about drugs on the internets.

Ahhhhhhh....greh. Whatever.

You know Jesus got high.

Turn and face teh strange

I took a little break from posting on here. I was thinking, "hey maybe one of the other 'authors' will put something up." Not surprisingly, no one did. You lazy fucks.

So in the interest of not really having a point, here's a couple things I've been mulling -- besides the United States beating Mexico for the Gold Cup (soccer matters). Both of the following have been mentioned before (not necessarily by me, but the blagosphere is ad nauseum).

The Wire is so fucking good. I've been watching the old episodes on DVD to catch up before the fifth and final season.

As the season approaches I'll probably offers some more in depth stylings, character analysis, themes -- you know -- all that smart guy stuff. But for now, enjoy this video, especially if you've never seen it.

It's the entire first episode of season four. Hope you have an hour to kill.

I don't want to ruin it for you, but lets just say Snoop doesn't use that nail gun for what you think. Also, that opening scene is classic "Wire" in how it shows the interaction between the "straight" world and the "street" world. Home depot dude is totally befuddled.



Has anyone ever sold out more rapidly than the Black Eyed Peas?
One minute they were recording tracks like "Where is the love?"


The next minute they are changing the the lyrics of "Let's Get Retarded" to "Let's get it started" for a shitty NBA playoff promo. Yes, worse than David Blaine.

Fergie is fucking awful. My Humps? London Bridge? I will not post or link to either of those crimes against humanity.
And don't get me started on "Fergielicious."
What does that even mean? Can she only be described by a word combining her name and -licious? At least Beyonce can back up bootylicious claims with visual evidence.

From now on I will excuse all my actions by describing myself as thopetastic.

Nomo's got nothing on this guy

The glorious empire of Nippon has done it again!
This time in baseball form:


That was not a strike.

I am totally mailing it in this week

After reading the top 100 best-reviewed Sci-Fi movies of all time today on rotten tomatoes -- because that's, you know, research for my job -- I hit up Circuit City looking for Children of Men or Brazil on DVD. No dice. Apparently visions of post-apocalyptic and Orwellian futures aren't big enough sellers to keep them in stock. More like Circuit Shitty. ZING!

So after resisting an impulse to buy The Wire: Complete Second Season on DVD (Only 59.99, what a deal!) I spotted the South Park The Hits: Volume 1. I was incredulous at first, but picked it up anyway. Oh man check out the back of the box:

"People always ask us, 'What's your favorite episode?' And I say, 'It's so hard. It's like choosing between your children.' But then I would have no problem choosing between my children. It would be the tall, smart one."

So true. Plus the ten episodes are some of the most memorable -- like Towelie, Trapped in the Closet, Awesome-O, Best Friends Forever, Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset, and of course --
Scott Tenorman Must Die.

Laugh out loud cats

This video has been around the block, LIKE YOUR MOM. rimshot
But anyway, its Pinky the cat!

Haha, right in the groin. That will never get old.



/lame

Nevermind me

YOU GOT THE TOUCH!


A quick note: Sorry to both of you who saw that post I put up early this morning drunk as all hell. I thought I had learned that the craziness that goes through my drunken head at 2am shouldn't be broadcast in any medium -- but then again, alcohol lowers inhibitions.
Anyway, the offending post that prompted a comment of only "dude" from TMoney has been removed from the halls of the Interwebs forever.

But if you are upset that you missed out, the old "Stuck in the middle with you" post is still available. Decipher that one, bitches!

Phriday Philler

"I'm sick of hearing bout the haves and the have nots. Have some personal accountability. The biggest problem with the way that we've been doing things is the more we let you have the less that I'll be keeping for me."
-Nine Inch Nails, "Capital G"


First, I am a big fan the term no knock search warrant. In other words, inept SWAT team members who barely graduated from middle school fire tear gas into your house, set it on fire, kill a dog then laugh. Just standard procedure to get criminals off the street.

But hey, if you don't get served with a no knock warrant, maybe you want to fly on a plane. Just watch out for those too-friendly TSA screeners. Good times.

Finally, have this ridiculous email exchange between Judd Apatow (director of Knocked Up and 40-year-old virgin) and Mark Brazill (writer for That 70s show). Get cancer indeed.

Thats it, to get psyched for the weekend enjoy some Powerthirst.

Phriday Philler early edition

For your consideration. Which of these two videos is funnier?
I LOLZ at both.

Votes and arguments in the comments.

Triumph the insult comic dog at the Tonys


Tommy Chong on the Colbert Report
edit: original got taken down -- here's another. You cannot stop the viral videos Viacom! Also, if this one goes down too, you can check it out here.

Complete abortion

Lets liveblog what is hopefully the end of the NBA season. Angelina Jolie on the Daily Show will have to wait til the 8 times it's on tommorrow. But I will toss up this most ridiculous of commercials.

There, there Billy, the Weatherman will tell us its OK.




So to the point. Its 66-64 with 4:50 to play. Hard to believe it has been nearly two months since WARRIORS.

Tony parker turns it over. Tied up. ANDERSON VERAJEO?

Ginobili for three. Fucking Argentina.

69-66 for about a minute off the clock.

I may be wrong, but Gregg Popovich just looks evil.

The Spurs just got three straight offensive rebounds. They have skeleton powers.

Duncan hits Oberto for the And1. This is unwatchable.

I think ABC actually wants me to turn the channel with the "Chuck and Larry" commercial. More Jessica Biel's ass!

And we're back.
Hey Mike Breen, I'm going out on a limb to say Tony Parker isn't the only one who wants this series to end tonight. It's probably everyone outside Cleveland. And in Cleveland.

Oberto converts the free throw. Duncan gets a steal, Oberto two. Oberto sounds like a type of tomato sauce is a type of beef jerky.

Lebron for three. YES. (this line brought to you by Marv Albert).

74-69 with 1:17 to play. Duncan fouled.

Ginobili drives and lays it in.

The only thing that can redeem this at this point is if Drew Gooden punches Ginobili in the throat. Malice at the Palace: Quicken Loans edition.

So who wants to firebomb a McDonalds? I demand the filet o' fish be removed from their menu.

OK the game. It's 76-71. Ginobili at the line for two. This shit is OVAH

I am gleefully anticipating a post game interview with Eva Longoria.

Ha Ha terrible foul on Ginobili. He hit Damon Jones on the head. Three free throws with 7.5 left. Still over unless King James uses sovereign powers.

Well clearly a timeout is necessary. Fuck you Merlin. Choke it away at the line.

Not gonna happen. We got some free throws from Ginobili. END IT.

Thank the sweet lord Jebus its over. Four titles for Duncan et al.

Tony Parker finals MVP? Best player in the series according to announcers Jeff Van Gundy and Mark Jackson, the only two people who watched it in its entirety.
Holla at yo boy TJ. And white dude.

Tim Duncan is eloquent.

Mild boos from the Cleveland crowd during the David Stern portion of the award ceremony warm the cockles of my unfeeling heart.

Fuck you San Antonio.

A few groundrules

There will be no random videos of young children singing "candy man" here at the fainting goats. Especially if it implies I am somehow involved.

Bottom line, no videos with one line of text unless you are me. Sorry.

If you want to see what dr.gpiece posted, go here.

Please -- keep it somewhat real my friend, like the post below.

Country Boner

so i'm going to pop my fainting goats posting cherry with something easy...when i finish finals next week i'll have the entire summer to annoy all of you with posts that may or may not amuse anyone but myself.

this video is hilarious for a number of reasons including the following: 1) makes fun of rednecks, 2) features clips of blazing saddles interspersed throughout, 3) the quote "johnny cash grabbed his ankles and he hollered when i poked him", and 4) it's maynard (of tool, apc, etc.) who is just a funny guy in general. enjoy.



ok, so i got one more video to add too...turtle power!

Best music video evah?

Well this is obviously arbitrary, but whatever. I find the combination of dinosaurs and ninjas intriguing. Also, watching this video reminds me of my days in NUKE when I lived in a room with a mouse and occasionally Rickleman.

Is it really necessary for the members of Wu Tang to create new pseudonyms because they take a magic elevator from a club to the past? I say yes.
In order of appearance for your enjoyment.
Bobby Boulders - RZA
Joe Quarry - Method Man
Old Dirty Blocks - Old Dirty Bastard
Crystal Diamonds - Either Tekitha or Paulissa Morgan*
Frank Stoney - Ghostface Killa
Lex Rockhead - Raekwon the chef
U-God, apparently doesn't need a different nickname
Bo Rockhard - Bokeem Woodbine**

My favorite part is at the end, featuring an unidentifiable member of the clan, possibly RZA*
"Wu Tang Worldwide"
[shoots three arrows at same time, taking out three ninjas]
"Guaranteed Son"
[T-Rex eats ninja]

*Internode searches inconclusive.
**credits include Dead Presidents, The Rock, The Big Hit and Wishmaster 2: Evil Never dies

A tribute to Paulie Walnuts

[Paulie and Christopher botched a killing and are lost in the woods]
Christopher: For all we know, he could be out there stalking us.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri: With what? His cock?

One day AS(after sopranos) and still considering the ultimate episode. It was that good, and Pine Barrens was on A&E tonight. Paulie making a rudimentary shoe out of carpet from the back of a random van. How does Chase come up with this shit?

No longer. If anyone predicted the show would end with "Tony, AJ and Carmella eat onion rings while Meadow tries to parallel park the car and Journey plays in the background" well -- I will buy you meats.

You know its a good show when the full power of the internets is devoted to analyzing what the hell the final scene meant and it's still ambiguous. Life goes on? Tony dead? The American dream? My blogging skills are far too shitty to try to break it down.

But anyhow, in a show full of great characters, I would just like to remember the one and only Paulie Walnuts. Paranoid, deadly and ridiculous, after all these years I have to say he's my favorite. The last conversation he has with Tony, where he tells him he lives to serve him, "his liege" and then pulls out a tanning mirror sums it up perfectly.

Its TV as art, but still somehow not as good as The Wire.


Literally go fuck themselves. Educational and informative.

Breaking: Phils sign Joe Table

And Freddy Garcia is on the DL. I am not drunk or surprised.

Phriday Philler: City of Brotherly Love Edition

Terrible catchphrases aside, gonna give it up for the illest of delphs.


First, I'm considering joining the "Sons of Ben" fanclub for the Philly MLS team. A team which does not yet exist. But who could turn down an opportunity to be a SoB? Not me thats for sure. Oh and some British news organization had an article about the group and how soccer fans are fucking nuts in general.

Next, this weekend is the Manayunk Bike Race. US Cycling describes it thusly: "More than 160 of the world's top professional cyclists descend upon the city of Philadelphia to race in the longest running and richest single-day cycling road race in the United States. The cyclists will compete over ten laps of a 14.4 mile circuit over the Benjamin Franklin Parkway, Kelly Drive and Manayunk Wall in one of the biggest special sporting events in the United States." BTW the Manayunk Wall is a 17% grade.
More impressive I think are the drunken jackasses who race down the hill on shopping carts and other wheeled devices during "Midnight Madness" on Saturday night. The quality on this video kinda sucks, but it gives you an idea.


Finally, here's a shoutout to (probably) the creme de la creme of Philly blogs, Philadelphia Will Do. I know a guy who knows the guy who writes it. Small World. Oh man, Ira Einhorn invented the internet. Murderers who fled to France but then came back to serve prison time many years later are hilarious.


That's it, I'm going to go do some rails of Sweet'N Low, enjoy the weekend.

No time for you, Crabman

FINALLY.
There are plans to make a CGI Thundercats movie.

Unfortunately it won't be as good as the clearly fake version starring Mathew McConnaughey as Liono, Ed Harris as Mumm-Ra, Tea Leoni as Cheetara, Wesley Snipes as Panthro, and David Carradine as Tygra. (Pictured above) I recommend you read the "press release" linked from that site. High Comedy.




If we can have a Transformers movie directed by Michael Bay that wins a MTV movie award (not sketchy) before it's even released, a Thundercats movie needs to be made.
Ahhh nostalgia.

Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Simpsons Episodes

Major League Softball Team (Season 3)

The softball team is replaced by Major Leaguers after a bet with the strangely Libyan power plant owner of Shelbyville, and the likes of Roger Clemens, Steve Sax, Darryl Strawberry, Jose Canseco, and many other reputable figures descend on Springfield to meet individual and horrific fates…except for Strawberry, who is simply pinch hit for.

My favorite demise is Griffey’s via gargantuism on account of brain tonic. “It’s like there’s a party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited.” Ha ha ha. Steroids.

And there’s this:

It’s funny because in real life, Wade Boggs hit is wife.

Monorail

"I call the big one bitey." And batman is a scientist.



Lisa’s Rival

The best A-Plot/B-Plot tagteam ever. Lisa comes across a girl smarter than her and hilarity ensues, via anagrams and bent Wookies. And on the flip side, Homer finds a freighter truck of sugar, steals it from the driver Hans Moleman, and then proceeds to defend it against enemies that turn out, as this clip shows, to be all too Britishly real.

Best. Episode. Ever.

Deathmatch listoff: Best Simpsons Episodes

I wasn't going to get this started, but others are sandbagging due to lame excuses such as "I need to get good screencaps" and "I'm taking care of my newborn child"

So fuck you fellow contributors, these episodes are now off limits.
Never watch them again.

Lisa the Vegetarian
This is probably my favorite episode ever. Lisa becomes repulsed by the thought of her family eating meat at the same time that Homer plans a BBBQ (The extra B is for BYOBB) What's that extra B for? Typo.
Another good exchange is when Lisa's questions prompt "independent thought alarms" at Springfield Elementary.
Skinner: "Two independent though alarms in one day -- Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I WARNED YE -- THAT COLORED CHALK WAS FORGED BY LUCIFER HIMSELF!
And, finally, where would we be without "Meat and You: Partners in Freedom"


Homie the Clown
Homer Simpson + Clowns = Comic Gold.
"Remind me to have that seat burned."
"That's it, you people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to Clown College."


Deep Space Homer
Gotta represent for the inanimate carbon rod. Cameos by James Taylor and Buzz Aldrin anyone?
My favorite part is when Homer compares meeting Mr. T to going into space.
Plus it features one of the most paraphrased lines on the intermet:
"I, for one, welcome our insect overlords."


Homer loves Flanders
Classic role reversal, where Homer becomes friends with Flanders, and eventually drives him insane.
"Lies make Baby Jesus cry"


A Star Is Burns
"I smell a cheap cartoon crossover"
This episode brings in Jay Sherman aka "the critic" and manages to be funnier than anything "The Critic" ever did. This is epitomized when Jay asks the Simpson crew if they ever want to come visit him in New York, and Bart tells him he doesn't think that will be happening.
And all the movies are fucking hilarious. I was saying Boo-urns.


Goddamn I had to leave out some good episodes, the Simpsons rulez. Fuck it, here's Mojo.

Phriday Philler

Start it off with this article from Rolling Stone about how Rudy Giuliani is a total and complete douchebag. America's Mayor my ass. Probably the best (and scariest) part of the whole piece is this graf:

Yes, Rudy is smarter than Bush. But his political strength -- and he knows it -- comes from America's unrelenting passion for never bothering to take that extra step to figure shit out. If you think you know it all already, Rudy agrees with you. And if anyone tries to tell you differently, they're probably traitors, and Rudy, well, he'll keep an eye on 'em for you. Just like Bush, Rudy appeals to the couch-bound bully in all of us, and part of the allure of his campaign is the promise to put the Pentagon and the power of the White House at that bully's disposal.

In the category of news you haven't heard and probably don't care about: It's come out that Sen. Jon Kyl, R-Ariz., is who put a secret hold on the OPEN Government Act (oh sweet, delicious irony, tastes like baby tears).



Switching gears, all you NUKE peeps may remember a dude named Matt Ufford (As as pledge I was forced to drink in the Kave by him and Phil Flies) -- well he's gone on to become a successful paid blogger. And there was some sort of controversy involving a barely legal pole vaulter that has made him into some sort of Internet celebrity -- Of course getting quoted in the Washington Post doesn't necessarily make him the next German kid who freaks out or Little Superstar.

Continuing with the theme of people I know, here's a plug for my sister's travel blog. She tells a story about hitch-hiking in New Zealand that is pretty entertaining.

Finally, that sound you just heard was the Intermetas imploding in on themselves as LOLCATS somehow joined forces with "Jump the Shark."

Can't talk, dead now.