I like crackers, stupid

Because I haven't updated in nearly a week, and because this blog is nothing if not experimental, here's some Phillies related haikus I wrote while waiting for a boring-ass township meeting to start.

58 dingers
always enjoys going deep
drop bombs on bitches

fans best whipping boy
patrols left like Luzenski
suck me beautiful

compact lefty stroke
so dastardly and Utley
fuck freddie mitchell

crazy ass catcher
metaphysical and shit
back to the future

only got one ball
cannot hit Randy Johnson
shut up you fat fuck


Thats all I got done before the meeting started and I had to listen to local residents whine about softball fields or some bullshit.



Another post might be coming sometime soon. To whet your appetite -- it could be on such diverse topics as the Patriot Act, Anna Nicole Smith being dead, frogs, Isaac Asimov, smoking bans in public parks, Mr Belding and Tony Romo singing Journey, or the effects of combining 40s and box of wine. So refresh constantly just to be safe.

BEHOLD THE AWESOME POWER THAT IS RYHO

I don't want to say RYHO is a beast, but he most certainly hits a baseball like one. I mean, I cannot wait til he and Bryant Gumbel go one on one in an interview and RYHO eats him. Airing Monday on Real Sports.

I really wants to post a "RYHO hitting bombs" video here, but sadly, none exists. Can't even get video of his straight-away centhz upper deck RFK dong. I would fuck him like he was Ving Rhames in Pulp Fiction. Uhhhh....

ANYWAY, to complete the utter gayness of this post -- check out the best video I could finds on this here Interblag that is Phillies related.


(Kudos:Scrapple & Iggs)

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES ... honorable mention

Might as well throw this up here now cause I have zero other ideas until baseball season starts.

Kings:

Another good game for a good sized crowd of people who don't necessarily know each other that well. Spread a deck of cards in a circle on the table around a cup (the "King cup"). The rules can vary, but here's what I can remember:
2-drink two
3-give three
4-social
5-something
6-something else
7-i don't care
8-fuck you
9-Bust a rhyme. Say a phrase, next person "busts a rhyme." Whoever fails to make a rhyme or rhymes with the same word drinks
10-I never
Jack-Categories. Choose a category (ie brands of beer, bill paxton movies, whatever -- get creative). Failure drinks
Queen-Question. Turn to someone in the group and asks a question. That person then turns to someone else and asks something else. Whoever breaks sequence has to drink.
King-Pour some of your drink into the King cup. When that last King is drawn it ends the game and that player has to drink the King cup. It can be interesting if strangely different drinks were poured in it. The combination of whiskey sour, rum and coke and miller lite is outstanding. I suggest you try it.



Wine Game: Pretty simple concept. Pass around a bottle/jug of wine, preferably one of those big Edward Carlos Rossi gallon jugs. Each person chugs as long as they can, while everyone else chants "WINE GAME! WINE GAME! WINE GAME!"
And whomever finishes the bottle gets to go out in the street and smash it.



I'm told this is a fun game for catholics, cause they can pretend the wine is the blood of christ or something. Mmmmmm, that's good Jesus blood.





F*ck the dealer:

Another card game. Dealer holds the cards. Next person guesses a number. Dealer says higher or lower. Person guesses again. If they are right, dealer drinks. Wrong, they drink. Guess right, guess again. Guess wrong, dealer moves to the next person. Three wrongs in a row and the dealer passes the deck. Also, the cards get laid out on the table as the game goes along. The last dealer gets screwed.


Edward 40 Hands:


Tape a forty to each of your hands. Duct tape works well.


Century Club: Shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. The big brother of power hour. And never play the "30 pack Challenge."

OK, thats it I think.



Yeah I am done.

too soon?

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES ... runner-up and champion

This would have been up earlier, but I found the RBI baseball drinking game and after a few clicks discovered some sort of RBI baseball subculture on the Interwebs.

Anyway, lets finish this thing.

2. Baseball. Even though it's only been played a couple times, it is incredibly awesome. Its like a combination of cups and beirut and baseball plus a million. If only I had known about in college. Single tear. Here's the setup:

I recommend you print this out and tape it to your forehead.

The rules are the same as baseball, a miss is an out, 3 outs per inning, 9 innings per game. Best played with 3 people per team, but 2 is OK and 1 can suffice for the truly hardcore.

The twist is stolen bases. At any point when you have runners on base, you can run over to the side of the table with the stolen base cup and flip it. Someone on the other team needs to be alert and run over as well, if the offensive player flips his cup first, its a steal. Vice versa is caught stealing. Never has stealing home been so fun and easy.



And remember should the champion be unable to fulfill its duties for any reason, Baseball would take over as number 1. I don't know what that means.


1. Cups The grand champion. So diverse and awesome. Be it playing 20 on 20 against sketchy frat boys from Michigan, who then fuck their girlfriends/sluts under the pool table in the chapter room -- or 60 games of 2v2 against Rymac and Ryno on the sundeck on a lazy friday afternoon -- or even a cups tournament in the Kave where your partner injures his shoulder a couple days prior but still tries to compete with his arm in a sling, probably doing further damage to said shoulder -- This game is a winner and winners play this game.



Everyone should fill their beers an equal amount. I personally prefer less beer per round and more rounds. First person drinks, sets their cup on the edge of the table and flips it 180 degrees so it lands upside down. Then the next person drinks and so on. First team to the end wins.

Some versions of this game stand out:
Guys v Girls: Always good for some nice old fashioned sexist remarks, This also pairs well with strip cups and pants down/shirts off cups.
Survivor: Losing team must vote off one of their own. This can result in backroom strategy, not to mention one person drinking 7 cups of beer to match up with the other team.
2v2: For the intense competitor. Playing thousands of games of 2v2 led to such terms as "reset time" referring to how fast you could flip again after a missed flip and "cups czar" of which I am an emeritus.
Random bets: One particular instance was when Heuch and I decided the losing team had to go pick a fight with DK. Which I did by walking up to him, throwing his hat and slapping him upside the head. That was a good night.

Strategy. One of the greatest things about this game is the shit talk. After someone misses a few flips they tend to get flustered, which can be augmented by screaming in their ear. Also don't be afraid to use 2 hands. While the rules concerning number of hands are sketchy at best, chances are in the heat of the game no one will call you on it.




"What are you talking about guys? That flip was legit."











So there it is, get out there and drink everyone. In putting this together I realized there are many other games that deserve their due, an honorable mention if you will. So that post may be coming. Someday.

I'll leave you with the godfather Duke Denevi creating his own variation of beirut. He describes it as " me spinning around 10 times on a baseball bat and then trying to throw a beer pong shot, while being harried by dogs."
I'm not sure its as good as all that, but the maniacal laugh/classic point at the end are fantastic.

BAHAHAHAHAHA

I blame Meatwad.

Chances are if your reading this you know what Aqua Teen Hunger Force is, but in case you don't here's the wiki that explains the Mooninites

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES ... #3-5

After much consideration, deep thought and whiskey, lets continue the countdown.

5. Asshole. Really this is just the token card game, with all apologies to Kings. Playable by any number of people. The object of the game is too get rid on all your cards. Play starts with the 3 of clubs then continues where each person has to play a card of equal or greater numerical value. You can also play doubles (ie 2 sevens) or triples, after which only doubles or triples of higher value can be played. If a card is played on another card of the same value, the next player is skipped and must drink. If you can't make a play, drink. 2s clear the pile. 4s can be played on anything and are a social. If all you have left are 2s you can give them away by holding them up in the air for some quick thinker to snatch away. And one optional variation is if a player has the completion of a set of 4, they can throw it down out of turn, also clearing the pile.
The first person to get rid of all their cards in the first round becomes president. Second=vice president. The hierarchy continues down to the last person, the asshole, who must deal the cards and clear them during the game. During the game the president rules and can make anyone drink or whatever. But while dealing the asshole can order out drinks. Positions change after each round, and moving around the table in accordance with rank is suggested. A three-term president gets to make a rule.
OK I think thats it. I never realized how complicated this game actually was. Also, a google image search of "asshole" is illadvised.


4. The Triathlon. This game is not for the meek. In fact it is 3 games in 1. Two teams of 2 square off in an epic battle of caps, beer pong and finally cups.(Note: I realize cups has not yet been mentioned in this countdown, but its a simple game really -- drink then flip cup. Also, this is the version of beer pong played with paddles, if you don't know what I'm talking about see earlier in the countdown.)


Basically you play all three of these games to 15, starting with caps, then beer pong and finally cups. Each team should have a 30 pack to start, chances are it will be gone by the end. COnsequences of playing this are unpredictable, but whoever wins has bragging rights for quite a while. For example I remember CW and Denevi making a run of beating several consecutive challengers. In my defense, I was playing with Charlie. But Cullen and I eventually took them down, leaving Denevi to barefootedly scream gibberish about "stupid cubs fans" and CW hopelessly clinging to an exposed beam in his room while imitating Snarf from Thundercats. Ahhhhh, good times.

3.Beirut aka Beer Pong.



The classic ping pong ball throwing game. Once again two teams of 2, take turns throwing the ping pong ball at each others pyramid of cups. Honestly if you have never played this before, you are an idiot. But heres a diagram to help out.



House rules are in effect, ie just make shit up as you go along, and then in later games adhere to the same rules. Although if a team makes both their shots, they get the ball back.
When playing at a big party, get a list of challengers going, winner stays on the table.
Another interesting variation is to play "full contact" where a player can run over to the other side and try to get their ball back if it caroms wildly after a miss. Although that can result in violence or locking yourself in the laundry room while some maniac bangs on the door with a chair.


Thats it for now, big finish coming later tonight. One game is obvious, but whats the other?

when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

Top 10 drinking games to be concluded Wednesday afternoon/evening, probably. Shut up Denevi. I have been deliberating feverishly over the past few days on the final order.
This is really hard!

But anyway heres a couple random things to tide you over.

First a quote that I've been thinking on during the past couple days:

"You have the emergence in human society
of this thing that's called the State
What is the State? The State is this organized bureaucracy
It is the PO-lice department. It is the Army, the Navy
It is the prison system, the courts, and what have you
This is the State -- it is a repressive organization
But the state -- and gee, well, you know,
you've got to have the police, cause...
if there were no police, look at what you'd be doing to
yourselves!
You'd be killing each other if there were no police!
But the reality is...
the police become necessary in human society
only at that junction in human society
where it is split between those who have and those who ain't
got"
-Chairman Omali Yeshitela




And here's the music video for Wolfmother's "White Unicorn"
Damn dirty hippies.

wayne rooney is dirty

I've been waiting for this to appear on Youtube so I could post it.




I mean, chip to the top far corner? That is just obscene.

RIP Barbaro, 2003-2007

Thank god that horse is glue.



Picture from mighty mjd somewhere.

Actually dead Barbaro is chock full of photo illustration goodness.

For example:
A little over a week ago The Onion once again struck gold
Deadspin
With Leather
Deadspin from this past summer, but so much more appropriate now.

Also, Jeremy Schapp just said that Barbaro is affirmed or something. I'm pretty sure he is familiar with the free verse of Dee Mirich.

win the lottery

Sixers could be so fucking real if they lose. Go for the odds you stupid fucks. GREG ODEN.

Iguodala is for real, but only as a sidekick. He's like a cross between Scottie Pippen and Kobe Bryant.




I like the part where he hits his head on the backboard. Also the backside windmill.
Nate Robinson is a little bitch. I could kick his ass, metaphorically.

The 10 greatest drinking games OF ALL TIMES

So I got a call tonight from someone who I'll call "the godfather" of this blog. And he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Well actually I could refuse, cause he lives 4 million miles away and I am soooo lazy. But nevertheless, he made some good points and here we are.

This could be a running feature, where I go in depth on every game and do some sort of countdown to number 1 with crazy stories and all, but chances are I'll lose interest in that after a couple days. So we'll split the difference. Here's the beginning of the list, with more in depth shit as we get closer to number one.

The criteria are determined but not entirely understood by me. Fuck what you think, I am the decider.

First observe the unofficial mascot. The patron saint of all binge drinking: Nude Heuch Keggy.





















Now here we go.

10. The cigarette burn game. In this a game you take a cup and fasten tissue paper across the top with a rubber band. Place a penny in the center of the paper and fire up some cancer sticks. Everyone need not smoke but the more the better. One person will burn the tissue paper with their cig, and the next guy has to drink while the tissue paper is burning. Eventually the penny will fall, but do not doubt the freakish strength of tissue paper. Whoever makes the penny fall has to drink a whole beer or do 8 shots or something.

9. Keg Race. 2 teams, each with their own keg. Whoever runs dry first wins. Its inadvisable to play this with less than 15(?) people per team. For all you crazy frat boys out there, it makes for a good competition between pledge classes. Seniors always win.

8. Quarters. There are many variations on this simple game of bouncing quarter into a shot glass/mug/ice cube tray/strippers vagina but my personal favorite is speed quarters. In which you flip the quarters into 2 or more shot glasses as fast as you can, racing around the table. Anytime someone gets passed they must drink. Also, don't forget variations where someone can make a rule if they make 3 in a row, ie chandeliers.

7. Beer Pong. With all apologies to my east coast homeys this version is played with paddles. Teams of two hit the ball back and forth at the 2 cups set up on each side. Hit the cup=1 point, losers take a sip. Put it in=3 points, losers pound the rest. You can counter if the ball hits your cup, but not if it goes in (no shit). Honestly, this isn't even that good of a game (sorry CW), but it comes into play later in the countdown.

6. Caps. Ah caps. Truly a mans game. Sit in teams of two, teammates next to each other on the floor, across from the opposing team. Fling caps at the other team's cup, positioned between the two teammates. Sinking it means the other team must drink a full beer between them. No "half beers" and damn sure no "pussy caps" where each teammate only has to take a sip. A made cap can be countered by a made cap from the other team. no points are exchanged on counters but it continues in order as long as caps are made, only the threat of drinking remains as punishment of a miss. Many variations of this game exist as well. Standard rules are to 11, win by two. STEEL CONDOMS!














There truly is nothing better than a caps league, complete with running commentary on all the games from Hertel. That crazy bastard is probably dead now.


Stay tuned for the top 5, coming sometime in the next week if I feel like it.

Super Bowl build up

First let me say, I am pro Bears. Frankly I want this guy on my side.


All I know is if I don't offer some sort of SUPER BOWL preview/ analysis this blog is fucking worthless and probably against everything I stand for.

Hmmmm. I am definitely for the old Super Bowl replays on NFL Network. For ezample here is a horrible ghetto-style screenshot of the steelers defensive line in 1979.


And here is a steelers linebacker with his hand down his pants.


Thats it for now. I've got nothing funny to say, so here's a crocodile eating cinderella. I did not make it and have no idea where it came from.

I am posting this for my own edification

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh soccer.

thats a shame

For all those depressed eagles fans out there, enjoy this.
Its Eagles highlights from 2004(?) set to Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up"




And remember, theres always Romo

Its a bird ... Its a plane ...

ITS B-DAWK!

So there's kind of a big game on Saturday. Playoff game in the Superdome. I'm going to avoid making a Katrina joke, cause thats just in bad taste.

This mspaint masterpiece is from Kissing Suzy Kolber.

I do think thats how G-Dub wears his hats.

If I'm still working at this newspaper a year from now, shoot me in the head

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! MOTHER FUCKER! FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING STUPID SON OF A BITCH. SERIOUSLY, FUCKING STAB ME IN THE MOTHERFUCKING EYE." -Me

You know why my job sucks? The Eagles won a playoff game today, and I still hate the world right now.

Not to mention this afternoon before work I caught the matinee of Children of Men, which fucking rules. Seriously. Strawberry Cough.

So, to recap:
-"my team" wins playoff game
-best movie in the theater in the last 5 years
-i just punched myself in the eye hard enough to give myself a shiner

Two resumes are getting mailed out this week. So long West Chester, its been fun.

Late Breaking: Tree Goats

There's another picture here

Bonus points awarded to anyone who can tell me what language they speak in the land of tree goats.

Halloween in Madison

This post has been a long time coming.

Two out of the three riots I've been in where in the same place on the same day of the year. When thousands of Badger students, along with students from all over the upper midwest gather in the land of cheese and beer it tends to get a little crazy.

First time:
I drove up with a bunch of NU peeps + Jenny. Not sure exactly what happened. A few memories remain:

Heuch, aka my nemesis, getting hit on by presumably gay dudes because he was rocking the sailor costume. I really wish I had that pic of him with the big black dude in a tutu.
Jenny (drunkenly) driving us back to Evanston in Joe's car (with Joe and Paulie passed out in the back). A two and a half hour drive. Good old Dodge Avenger. For american 90s era beater cars, the Avenger is only surpassed by the Ford Taurus.

My costume consisted only of glue-on fangs, a black hoodie and fake blood. Sketchy at best, especially cause I kept scaring the shit out of random people. Also, thats where the fake blood came from.

Second time:
This time I was living in Madison, so I got the full weekend experience.

The first night we got drunk sans costumes, I forget where.

I think we ended it at city bar, Melville and I, and we were walking back up State St. talking shit to anyone who would listen. Mostly each other.

Some chick in a bumblebee costume walked past, and Bob proceeded to heckle the shit out of her. I believe the gist was "YOU ARE A FAT BEE!"

So this leads to her accompanying dudes getting in Bob's face, and eventually tackling him. The one guy has him pinned to the ground. All I see is this random guys back, so I hit him repeatedly in the kidneys. That guy pissed blood the next day. We fled back to our house, fortunate to avoid arrest by the plethora of Police who were out, presumably to prevent events such as this.


The next night we all went out.

Roster/Costumes

Me/Sketchy Lil' Jon, and later after I met up with Adams, some sort of ridiculous gangsta
Bob/Agent Smith from the Matrix, not from Men in Black
Warden* and Maker/ the Bow(?) brothers, aka some crazy-ass fuckers they know who may have mullets
Pietro/Drunk Italian with a mustache?
Snight/something lame I'm sure (may or may not be a real person)
later we met up with John Adams/Lil' Jon

there were probably others there, but I forget

We went to some apartment party and took control of the keg, administering keg stands at leisure. After we got thrown out of there, and Bob tossed a beer on one of the hosts as the elevator door closed, we hit up State St.

This is all a blur, but I do remember Warden slapping ass and drunken video hijinks. I wish I had that video. I think Warden was interviewing random people on State street. Impersonating some sort of video producer kicks ass.

Yeah -- so neither time was I actually in the riot, but thats just cause I was smart enough not to get tear gassed.

*Warden=Rehfuss

Happy New Years, bitches

This post was delayed unfortunately, I started it on New Years Eve Day, but decided it would be a better idea to be on no less than 5 drugs at the same time. Took a little while to recover. At least now I have some more resolutions that could actually come true, besides "don't ever go back to Vegas"



"You and me, we'll all go down in history, with a sad statue of liberty, and a generation that didn't agree." -SOAD

So if your not stuck in 2006 like French protesters, here's some crap for your general edification in the new year.
Four out of five Fainting Goats agree, these 5 pieces of (old-fashioned) media are worth checking out. I saw them all in 2006, so there's your poorly conceived connection with new years. Enjoy.

5. Hells Angels by Hunter S. Thompson. This strange and terrible saga from the doctor of gonzo journalism put him on the map. Worth reading, especially if you enjoy the good doctor's work.

4. Brick. Out on DVD right now, I might even let you borrow it. Here's the tagline: A teenage loner pushes his way into the underworld of a high school crime ring to investigate the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend. Its even more awesome than it sounds.

3. Layer Cake. You know that guy who is the new James Bond? Yeah this is better than anything he'll do as 007. Its also on DVD -- and Encore just about everyday. Plus it has yayo.

2. The Daily Local News. Just kidding.

1. The Wire. Ground-breaking. Genius. Shakespearean? My shitty adjectives cannot do this show justice. Somebody please fucking watch this so I can talk to you about it. Seriously.

Thats it kids. I'll be updating this BS periodically, just to keep it from becoming one of the so-called 200 million abandoned blogs. Maybe I'll even put up a review of Children of Men after I see it. And drunken belligerence.

Fake blood and you ... a pranksters guide

This story was told out in Vegas, and I cannot believe I hadn't put it up here yet. Stupid memory loss.

So some random night in Evanston, Paulie, Joe and I (I'm sure there were others there--Mueller?) proceed to tie one on. I think we started with 40s purchased across the street at D&D Ghetto Grocery, followed by caps, gravity bongs, and the 1800 Club. As an aside for those who know, 1800 Club>PURE, despite the presence of Cornelius.


So we kick it in the 1800 Club beer garden for a while, get even more plastered, and eventually head back to my apartment while committing felonious acts of vandalism.

A quick note about the apartment, because it's important later. Joe and I lived on the "garden" level of a 4-story apartment building just off NU campus. It was pretty good size for 2 people, but still fairly ghetto due its lack of windows and the general economic instability of its tenants. My bedroom featured glass double doors into the living room, which I had classily taped up with old newspapers. But we did have two TVs for some reason.

So anyway, we get back and chill to the free cable, and as per usual, Joe passes out on the couch. Not sure how it started, but Paulie and I decide to fuck with him, frankly, because we could. It was one of the most enjoyable things about my senior year -- having someone pass out on the couch every night, and messing with him at our leisure.

So anyway, I have the brilliant idea to bust out the fake blood I have left over from Halloween. I think we put some on his hand and arm. And laughed uproariously. But Joe did not wake, and eventually we passed out ourselves.

The next morning Joe awoke and found himself covered in (what he thought was) blood, so he predictably freaked the fuck out. I got you good you fucker. But this is where it gets even more ridiculous.

The alcoholic super decided this was the morning that he needed to show the apartment to 2 innocent young coeds. Joe tried to persuade him at the door, but old drunk John super was having none of it. Dadgum it, he was going to illegally show this apartment whether it was going to rent or not.

So he brings them in, past the trashed kitchen, into the living room which has 40s, caps, beer cans and probably drug paraphenalia strewn all over in the haphazard manner typical of a mini-bender.

Joe maybe still had blood on him and definitely was rocking a wife-beater covered in bacon grease. Paul was lying on the futon giggling maniacly. I, still asleep in my room, heard the commotion and burst out of the double doors in my boxers. Pretty much everybody is like, WTF is going on, except for Paulie, who is still giggling.

Needless to say no one else came to see our apartment for the rest of the year.

The kicker is the super still insisted on looking at the bedrooms, only to discover Joe's blood covered sheets.

Why I like Chelsea

In my 20 odd years as a Philadelphia sports fan, I have undergone all kinds of agony.

So close and yet so far: Eagles go to 4 straight NFC championship games, yet fail to win a Super Bowl. What is this, Buffalo?

Incandescent and irreplaceable: A great player who defies description ends up leaving town without a championship after an acrimonious fallout. Witness the current saga involving Iverson. Please let him go to Miami Denver. And don't get me started on TO.

Inevitable yet frustrating: I was at a World Series game(4) at the late Veterans Stadium, where the Phillies lost 15 to 14. Followed by the inevitable Joe Carter HR in game 6. I'm just glad I was young enough when this happened that most of the negative memories have been blocked.

Mythological: '64 Phillies lose the pennant after being up 6 1/2 games with 12 to play. Chico Ruiz stealing home was the start of it all. I don't even know who Chico Ruiz is, but I hate him.

Idiotic: Within our constant anguish, Philadelphia sports fans are portrayed and seen as boorish, stupid, insane, drunk and even racist. This probably bothers me worse than anything my teams have done. After all, I can't do anything about what the Phillies or Eagles actually do on the field, but I am a philly fan and that gives me some kind of responsibility to our collective national perception, in theory.
We don't all eat cheesesteaks you stupid fucks.


ANYWAY, as I increasingly become a fan of the English Premier League (EPL), I find myself able to root for whichever team I choose. I had brief flings with Arsenal, Liverpool and Everton, but I think Chelsea is the team for me. They have won the last two EPL titles. Even the nickname given to them by their rival fans -- Chelski -- is badass.
And they have Didier Drogba, who provided the fantastic late goal that may just propel them to another league title.

It would be the first championship a team I support has ever won.



edit: they lost

Vegas baby, uhhhh Vegas?

I was going to be generous call it the "KE Kicked-off Campus Memorial Vegas bachelor party", but in lieu of recent events I think "complete abortion" is better. Damn you cop for pulling me over on my way home from the airport and issuing me a $150 citation when I have exactly $13.56 to my name. You truly are a competent public servant who I wish dead.



Despite the excessive amounts of fear and loathing on this trip, I did have a good time, I think.
For example, seeing all the peeps was fantastic. Even DJ.
Also, riding in a stretch Hummer is a frivolous expense I can handle. Even if the ride is only 6 minutes long. YEAH! /little jon
And whiskey is always good.

That said, four days in Vegas is too much. Do not deny it. By the end I was breathing out some sort of THC/nicotine-based mist and hallucinating due to sleep deprivation and over-stimulation of the senses.

But walking back from the buffet using all of my severely limited mental capabilities to keep from vomiting all over the casino was a good challenge.

I will get into more details later, but I'm tired as shit right now and need to relax to some quality television. Ok lets see ... Domino? Damn you HBO!

All hail the elusive bog turtle

Ah the turtle.
Truly one of natures greatest creatures.

Condiment Fight

Preface: I received some "constructive criticism" from a "reader" and apparently there isn't enough "coherent narrative" here at the old Fainting Goats. In my defense I do this for my own entertainment (read the subhead), but I'll admit that anything with a timestamp after 4 am is not to be trusted.

But anyway, back to the bread and butter that everyone craves. Thats right -- stories I can barely remember from some random time I got drunk!

I'm sure everyone has held a bottle of ketchup and thought to themselves, what if I had a food fight, except limited only to condiments? No? Well let me tell ya, it is fucking glorious and hilarious and gay.













One time at the old KE my nemesis and I returned from a luckless night at the bar.

Nemesis and I had, as was tradition, been giving each other shit all night with no other purpose than to see if we could get under each other's skin. This came to a head while we were sitting in the basement/kitchen of KE, which was stocked with assorted food products. Grantpiece and Fancy were there as well.

Fancy had, as was tradition, been gorging himself while uttering such gems as, "aaaaaahahhaha BEEF" and smearing roast beef all over his face. This required copious amounts of ketchup, mustard, probably relish, and of course Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ sauce.

At some point nemesis made some snide remark and I held a squeeze bottle of mustard at his eye in a threatening way. Said eye then got a mischievous glint that was only too familiar, and I knew it was on.

We stripped out of our bar clothes and into our skivvies cause we couldn't afford new bar clothes (Northwestern education at work), and proceded to basically spray the hell out each other (and the KE basement) with all the condiments we could get our hands on. The coup de grace was when I threw a tray of croutons at my nemesis, many of which stuck to his mustard and ketchup covered back.

Sidenote: There was a glorified janitor that worked in the KE kitchen during the day. His name was Vince and he was a big ass black dude from the south side. Vince was the man, not to mention totally nuts. He had been stabbed, shot and generally lived in the ghetto his whole life, but still put up with a bunch of privileged/drunken Northwestern frat boys on a regular basis. Probably because of the reverence we showed when he showed off his stabbing scars. Also, Vince drank 40s with us in the Kave.

After the fight, my nemesis and I decided we didn't want to make Vince clean up our horrific mess, so we did a half assed cleanup ourselves, which restored the kitchen to a state not unlike a normal night, ie there was beef and smashed fruit all over the place.

Aftermath: After getting cleaned up -- or maybe before -- all 4 of us decided it would a good idea to fuck with the 2nd floor(we lived on the 3rd and 4th floors). So we stole the partition between their two bathroom stalls and put it on the 4th floor sundeck. They didn't get it back for at least a couple months, and a few of them even said they enjoyed the double-wide bathroom stall. I should pull the same prank at work.

As far as I know, there is still mustard on the ceiling in the now boarded up KE kitchen.

Avatar? WTF is Avatar!

I was supremely amused looking at my yahoo avatar today. For some reason my pseudo digital self is wearing a turkey suit. Not sure why I made that choice. It is disappointing that the tail obsures the alien standing next to me.

Also yahoo apparently has been tracking my fantasy sports leagues all these years, compiling everything. I had a team called Lords of the Bling in an NBA fantasy league in 2003 that somehow finished second. Thats an imaginary silver trophy lining my virtual trophy case. HIGH FIVE!

But anyway, back to avatars. For me to understand avatars I look to 2 sources:

Snow Crash: A book by Neal Stephenson, where Hiro Protagonist's avatar runs wild as a samurai sword weilding badass in the three dimensional computer created world known as the "Metaverse". This is the best science fiction book I've read, probably.

The Matrix: As Morpheus puts it -- digital representation of our physical self. This version springs directly from the users subconcience. Better put -- slaves mind. But I can't get into the Matrix, cause its pretty complicated.

So yeah, I know avatars are digital representations of computer users in a virtual world. Be them sprung from the users imagination(Snow Crash) or the subconcious(The Matrix).

While I hate to say the Matrix is not realistic -cough- Snow Crash's avatars are far closer to my turkey suit wearing jerkass.

Bomb the system

OK sorry, I have to put this up, just be glad its not a tool video.



Also--old news, Ryan Howard IS MVP.

Anger is a gift

Because there isn't enough on the Internets that is barely comprehensible to the author, let alone any poor soul who stumbles across it and dares to attempt reading for comprehension...

Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face?





Is it possible fight a class war with guns?
Cause I think we got the numbers.
When Warren Buffet is bitching about paying too little taxes, I know there's something wrong.

And then you got old Newt. Honestly, when reading that Newt Gingrich may run for president, I can't help but think I am on the wrong side, living here the U.S.

We worship our own shit. Literally praying to the porcelain god.
Sure theres the whole Christianity thing we got going, what with the fundies and G-Dub and all, but lets get real. Does anyone with an IQ over 90 outside of Colorado Springs actually believe in the rapture? I mean seriously, Jesus Camp? WTF! Seeing insanity replace the golden rule makes me far more confident in my atheism.

People here care more about Paris Hilton grabbing Britney Spears' titty than they do about the lives of thousands of people who worship a slightly different god.


In the newsroom we joke that 1,000 Iraqis dead=1 American dead, for newsworthyness (not a word). There is a whole breakdown that could be its own post. And its funny cause its true. Gotta love dark humor.

So the question is -- Can history repeat itself?

The answer is most certainly yes, especially if you ignore the past.
A majority of Americans would gladly accept new insect fascist overlords, as long as quality television programming like American Idol and Dancing with the Stars remains uninterrupted.

This is the kind of thinking that can set me off into some serious depression, so I better stop now. Happy thoughts....

2 weeks til VEGAS BABY VEGAS! Digital camera in hand, that will make for some good blogging.

Happy Thanksgiving

A couple of go-go 80s reaganauts like us? We could rule this world.
No question.
If only someone would give us a shot.
They're scared of our raw power! But if you want a job, i could beg everyone at the company where I work.
Awesome, awesome to the Max.
/Scruffy

I am thankful for Wolfmother in concert. Like watching Led Zepplin in 1970, except with a pit. MY neck is still sore from getting down. They played Joker and the Thief with a nervous breakdown. Think about it. Plus the straight-up Soundgarden riff in the middle via COLLOSUS. sweet sweet encore.

The bassist/keyboard ran the stage -- only dude in the electric factory that smoked a cig in public. Not to say there wasn't smoke.
Lead guitar/vocals rocked the fro, and the guitar over his head.
Drummer beat that like a cop on a black man in LA.

(aside: this was the best show i have seen since Saturday night at Woodstock 99, ie Limp Biscuit, Rage against the Machine and Metallica)

But anyway, what am I actually thankful for? I'm gonna keep it simple. 5 sports figures.

5- Donovan McNabb. He should be higher. But I gotta put five at 5.

4- Andre Iguodala. AI squared.

3- AI. You talkin bout practice.

2- Ryan Howard. NL MVP, not on drugs.

1- Anyone that can fucking win a championship.

2 ships passing in the night

WTF, my roommate just left for work, not more than 2 hours after I got home from a particularly hellish stint in the old ink mine.

Imagine me, knee deep in whiskey at 4 am, and hey, there's Steve, random new roommate I've met like 4 times getting up and heading off to work by 4:20.

I just don't know what to make of it.
Earlier(1am) I was considering a conversion from atheism to the church of reality, but I thought better. The "church" uses the word real approximately 5 to the 10 times within its "teachings."
Its still better than christianity.

But anyway, my roommate is gone for the day so I'm gonna go trash this place.

Enjoyable: Detroit Rock City

I could say "so bad its good" but that wouldn't make sense, cause this movie isn't even bad. And I owe a good movie, cause after pimping XXX so hard a couple weeks back I feel dirty.
Anyway, Detroit Rock City kicks some serious ass.
If you haven't seen it, the plot is about 4 friends going to see a KISS concert in Detroit during the '70s. Imagine Dazed and Confused except Metal instead of Wooderson and ghetto-detroit instead of hick-texas.

Key scenes:

They break Jam out of some sort of boarding school by giving the head guy magic mushrooms, even though it creates one of the few plot holes. I plead the fifth on describing this if you don't understand.

Hawk starts his strip show by filling a pitcher with vomit.

Jam loses his virginity in a confessional. To a Jewish girl no less. Sacrilicious!

They throw a pizza slice onto the hood of a pontiac while driving down the highway.

Anything involving Stretch Armstrong.

Hawk trying to buy tickets off a scalper, and the scalper convinces Hawk of the quality of a KISS show with the phrase "big breasteses in tight vesteses."

HEY CHONGO!

Here's your Patriot Act!

Repeatedly tasering UCLA students for not showing ID?
Sounds like a good idea.

Here's the video.


A few thoughts:

- Yelling at cops about the patriot act and abuse of power never works. But kudos to that dude anyway, and I'm sure mucho volts running through your body has got to get that adrenaline pumping like a bastard.

- Pretty sure its hard to stand up after being tased.

- If you don't carry an ID on you at all times, you risk being tased.

I am sick to my stomach, back to some red hot NBA action!

Hey Mr. Jack, this is the cause of your demise

So I been neglecting the blog over the past couple weeks. Allow me to make it up to you with this skateboarding dog.



Just kidding here’s the video.




Best headline ever -- Judge:Burritos are not sandwiches

That’s all I got.

Normally, I think Bono's a douchebag, but...

Silly rock stars and your implausible scenarios. And if you wonder why i dislike Bono, check out the glasses.


But seriously, the Eagles loss to the Jags put me in a funk like no other. Chanting "Iverson for president" or "AI for prez" and the miraculous finding of Siter's ticket only lightens the mood so much.

First I took the whole "we're nothing but a small speck of dust in the universe" approach, how much does an Eagles loss mean anyways? The answer was nothing. But ended up being too depressing.

Then I realized -- fuck the universe, there's way more important shit than the Eagles here on good old Earth. What with our future of humanity and what have you.

So yeah, in conclusion, vote.

THE KICK IS UP ............................GOOD!

Thanks Merrill, that 5 second delay helped. Seriously.

Matt Bryant's longest FG this season before today was 28 FUCKING yards. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING KICKER. Sorry my creativity is all gone to be replaced with multiple f bombs.

I will now walk around in a daze for the next 3 days.
Just glad this shit doesn't bother me as much as it used to, or I'd be recreating scenes from Requiem for a Dream before the end of the season.

Whats the record for most losses on the last play of the game in a single season?

So bad its good -- XXX: State of the Union

Now I know what you are thinking. WTF? XXX: State of the Union? They couldn't even get Vin Diesel for that, and I refuse to see it on general principle. Well, sorry to say, but you are wrong.

Of course, it does have a few knocks against it. Such as the fact that its a sequel to a piece of garbage, the approximately 800 plot holes, and the fact that the director becomes an increasingly jump-cut/MTV-style "filmmaker" as it goes along, making the last half-hour borderline unwatchable.

But it has Ice Cube in his finest performance since, uh, All About the Benjamins? Plus SLJ and Willem Defoe in full-on "gotta make movies to get paid" mode. And a white guy who is constantly refered to as "college boy." So theres that.

Key scenes:
SLJ meets with Ice Cube in prison. Here's where you get some of that precious XXX backstory the viewers demand. Apparently Willem Defoe ordered SLJ and Cubes unit to start some sort of fire, burning civilians or something, and they refused emphatically. So emphatically that Cube was forced to break Defoe's jaw. The highlight of this exchange is SLJ turning his head to reveal a burn scar, to which Ice Cube says "I like what you did with your face."

Cube somehow jumps a boat onto a cop car, followed by him doing the slow motion walk in front of an explosion. Which somehow saves college boy from certain doom.

Any scene with Xzibit, who gets to finally play out his fantasy of owning a chop shop. What? He's got a show where he does that too?

The CGI shots of the capitol building. Not sure if they just couldn't get permission to shoot there, were too lazy, or just thought a CGI capitol would be cool. Personally I hope it was the latter.

Random throwaway line where they say Xander Cage (Vin Diesel from the first movie) was killed in Bora Bora. Well, that explains everything.

The final scene where Cube chases down the presidential bullet train(Guh?) by jumping a car onto the tracks, popping the tires and turing the car into some sort of tiny locomotive. Also Scott Speedman as NSA suit turned badass telling the president to jump into his awaiting arms while being suspended below a helicopter.

Actually, scratch that last one. And yes, I saw this in the theater.

And for your viewing pleasure and general edification, here's a random fan-created trailer I found.
BEWARE SPOILERS! Just kidding. Not really.

straight up breaking shit

Ah, destruction and or petty vandalism. I guess this counts as another episode of drunken tales. Good times.

A few specific instances illustrate my point. There are many more assorted streetsign-stealing, mailbox-knocking-over related incidents that lend to the memories, but these 2 stand out.

1> Throwing shit off the 4th floor sundeck. In the late KE fraternity (Epsilon Delta chaper) we used to toss random shit off our little patio where the fire escape met the roof. Of note were Mike Brown's filing cabinet, assorted couches and water balloons, both launched and thrown. For example. Launching balloons onto the sidewalk in front of the engineering building (aka Tech) while unsuspecting NU students were walking between classes.
Also throwing water balloons at football players, resulting in them throwing a football at the front of the house. Followed by future NFL draftee LB Billy Silva punching out a house window. All that remains is that I'm glad Silva and Kevin Bentley didn't kick my ass when I ran out to confront them. Stupid drunk.

2> Smashing cars aka Busting the hell out of a 1980 Honda with Alaska plates in Wisconsin. The car was clearly abandoned. The highlights were me kicking out the windshield (possibly my favorite thing I have ever done), and the Warden running inside to get a crowbar so he could properly smash out the headlights/windows. Cops are dumb.

Don't try this shit at home

Hands down, The Wire is the best show on TV. So many reasons to watch. Granted, I didn't get into it until this season(4) but it grabs you by the neck and don't let go.

Shit, Omar in jail alone will keep me watching every week, cause somebody's getting shanked with the glass knife. FO SHO.
Goes to show you though, a show can kill off one of its best characters(Stringer Bell) and move another into the background(McNulty), yet become arguably better for it.

Plus pretty much everyone on it is badass in their own way, with the possible exception of Namond Brice.

stuck in the middle with you

Doesn't it make you feel better? The pigs have won the war.
I know I had it coming. I know I can't be free.
Pain is an illusion.

Oh you crazy Germans, I can't stay mad at you

Beware the milky pirate? Sound advice, methinks.

So bad its good: Deep Blue Sea

I was going to write So bad its good: Jet Li's The One, but I can't remember enough about it. There is not one universe, but a MULTIVERSE.

So Deep Blue Sea it is. Renny Harlin's crowning achievement. As I always say, "Its as good as a movie about super-intelligent sharks can possibly be." I mean just look at the poster.

That shark is totally sneaking up on her! Also, the lead actresses name is Saffron. Like the herb.

In case you haven't seen it, which is inexcusable, its about a team of researchers led by saffron, Stellan Skarsgaard and SLJ in nerd mode. They work at an underwater research facility, where they are testing alzheimers medicine on sharks? Maybe? All I know is "The sharks got smarter." Also, LL Cool J is a wise-ass cook.

Anyway, Tom Jane brings his crack team of shark afficianados(or whatever, Jane knows sharks, in the biblical sense) down to the undersea facility, when a storm/helicopter crash floods the facility, setting the sharks on the hunt. On the hunt for humans. (sorry)


Key scenes
LL Cool J escapes from shark by climbing into his own oven. After the shark ate his pet parrot. The shark turns on the oven, cause it wants a hot meal of course. So LL uses the hatchet he happens have on his person to hack through to the upper oven, at which point he dives over the shark, which is still attacking the lower oven. Stupid super-intelligent sharks, when will you learn? He then delivers the classic one liner "You ate ma' bird." and throws his lighter back into the oven/shark region causing an explosion. I guess they were gas ovens.

Saffron strips down (wooo woooo!) because she must use her wetsuit for its non-conductive properties when she totally electrocutes another shark. Pretty sure this wouldn't work. Got my fingers crossed that they'll test it on Mythbusters, otherwise we may never know.

LL Cool J escapes death by stabbing a shark in the eye with his cross necklace.

And of course, the immortal scene where SLJ delivers a totally cliched inspirational speech, followed instantly by a shark eating him. Unfortunately I couldn't find a clip, but this 10 second highlight reel is chock full o' shark-bitey goodness.