Welp, the PA primary is finally done. Now I can get back to updating this blog with some regularity. Or not, we'll see how it goes. Because the election is over now right? What's that? Still seven months until the general? Christ.
But before we get back to our regularly scheduled program of poorly thought-out rants and pictures of ducks -- here are few observations from the past 6 weeks:
-It's fun to say 'Hitlery' rather than Hillary just to see if people pick up on it. Few do. -Obama is a hopemonger. -Everyone involved in the Clinton campaign is an asshole. -The AP put a story about the Obama girl voting on the wire. Total coverage. -Speaking of coverage, the traveling press corps resembles a horde of locusts or possibly orcs with cameras. -Young people like Obama. Old people like Hillary. -Voting in primaries is for suckers. -I saw Obama, Bill and Hillary all in person. They all say the same fucking thing. But Obama says it with more better. -My raw hatred for politics has returned. I really fucking hate it and anyone involved. A lot. -All hail Emporer McCain!
Apologies to my two regular readers for not posting anything of substance this week. It's been long. But I should be able to put some stuff up here today with varying degrees of tweedy pertinence. Not filler.
First a reason for goat neglect. On Wednesday Barack Obama was at a local high school for one of his trademark "town hall" style rallies. It could be considered a job perk that I got to attend video camera in hand. Pretty cool actually, even if we members of the working press had to wait around for 5+ hours for Obama to show up.
Now I have not been to any political rallies before. It's not really my nature to care. But this was something, almost a rock concert-type atmosphere. Obama volunteers call and response going back and forth -- "Ba-Rack O-Bam-A" "Yes We Can" -- and there was even a wave going around at one point.
Clearly Obama supporters are the coolest. Well, at least the one guy who I know from back in our days working together delivering pizzas at Rons. In the days before he became big in the Obama campaign I harbor suspicions that he stole my weed. But that's neither here nor there.
Upon Obama's entrance he went around shaking hands with the crowd, which was hilarious to watch on video with no sound after the fact. Members of the crowd are straining and reaching. And if Obama provides even the slightest of contact it's like the touch of god. You can almost hear the shrieks of I TOUCHED OBAMA as they jump up and down like they won the lottery. You can watch it here, with more of my "awesome" voiceover work.
Maybe that is only amusing to me, but its a way better story than the conversation I had with an AP photographer in which he asked me if knew anything about "e-music" whatever that means. I should have responded "like on the tubes?"
The presidential race is finally heating up after four elections worth of coverage before Super Tuesday. If you are a voter in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee or Utah, get ready, cause you are going to decide who could be the next president. That's 24 states. Nothing to worry about there, it's completely normal.
DISCLAIMER: If you are an independent voter, you may not have the option of voting in the primary. Also, this post is a complete ripoff of classic Simmons, where he would break down an NBA season or something based on movie quotes.
So here's the goats official take on the presidential primary, sure opinions have been offered before, but you gotta go with GnR for anything definitive. And no, I don't know what that means.
"What we've got here is failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach... So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it! Well, he gets it!"
This goes to the American Voter in all his infinite wisdom. One thing I've realized in my year of blogging and 2+ years at a newspaper, is that reading for comprehension is a dying art in this country. I can't even count the number of people who have called in pissed off about something that turns out to be a result of their own lack of understanding. (Not to praise the writers here, though, they're awful). So yeah, the average voter has zero ability at this point to parse information for themselves, which leads us too ...
My hands are tied The billions shift from side to side And the wars go on with brainwashed pride For the love of God and our human rights And all these things are swept aside By bloody hands time can't deny And are washed away by your genocide And history hides the lies of our civil wars
This goes to the mainstream media, cable news especially. Tasked with keeping the voting populace informed on the pressing issues of the day, CNN et al have increasingly resorted to sensationalism and hype in place of real news. Of course, they are only playing to the ratings, their hands are tied. Because clearly making money is the most important a news organization can do. Well, that and promoting doublethink.
Do you wear a black armband When they shot the man Who said "Peace could last forever"
This goes to John Edwards, who just dropped out of the race. He never said peace could last forever, nor was he shot. But his campaign was a "scrappy underdog bid in which he steered his rivals toward progressive ideals while grappling with family hardship that roused voters' sympathies," according to the AP. Where's my black armband?
So I never fell for Vietnam We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all
This goes to John 'Walnuts' McCain. While its debatable whether he "never fell for Vietnam" he was tortured there, and that tenuous connection is good enough for me. I just like seeing hardcore conservatives forced to accept the straight-talking maverick as their best hope for president. Also he's old, creepy and kinda insane.
That you can't trust freedom When it's not in your hands
This is my favorite lyric, so it goes to my favorite candidate -- Barack Obama. Yes, that's the fainting goats endorsement, for what its worth. Returning the power to the people and taking back our democracy are big parts of his message of hope. Now he's got the Kennedys in his corner too, which has got to be a bonus.
When everybody's fightin' For their promised land
Here we have Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee. Everyone's favorite religious wackos are still hanging around the GOP race, fighting tooth and nail. Keep reaching for that rainbow you fucking nutballs.
It feeds the rich while it buries the poor Your power hungry sellin' soldiers
Rudy Giuliani. "The best way to achieve peace is through overwhelming strength." Yeah, and a nuclear wasteland is totally peaceful. Dude is such a fascist. I also enjoy him saying we should have less lawsuits. There should be a collective bargaining lawsuit against him for defrauding the American people and causing 9/11. And by collective bargaining I mean class action. I'm cool.
In a human grocery store Ain't that fresh
This stupid metaphor goes to the Florida Democrats. Surely the land of Kitty Harris and Jeb Bush will work out well for you? No. Living up to their bumbling rep, they lost their delegates when the election was moved to a week before super Tuesday. Blowing their load, if you will. Yet somehow the Republicans kept their delegates for Walnuts. I blame witchcraft. Anyway, congratulations Florida, you truly are America's wang.
Look at the shoes your filling Look at the blood we're spilling Look at the world we're killing The way we've always done before Look in the doubt we've wallowed Look at the leaders we've followed Look at the lies we've swallowed And I don't want to hear no more
This goes to Hillary Clinton. A reminder of the recent past, but kind of rejecting that past at the same time. The goats are not against her at this point, I just hope she doesn't destroy the Democratic party by trying to take down Obama. Kennedys vs. Clintons has all the pundits with severe hard ons. THE JUGGERNAUT POLITICAL SHOWDOWN! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY
"We practice selective annihilation of mayors And government officials For example to create a vacuum Then we fill that vacuum As popular war advances Peace is closer"
This goes to the Internet. Selective annihilation is as good a description as any for how things go down on this series of tubes. Be it a viral video or a war between Anonymous and Scientology or whatever. No one has the full grasp of how it affects politics, yet it certainly does. Amorphous and uncontrollable as a whole, yet on a small scale it allows any nerd with a high-speed connection to put out their opinions. Whether this is all bring bringing peace closer is debateable, but the web certainly creates and fills vacuums.
I don't need your civil war (repeated)
This goes to the rest of the world. Surely no one in China or Lithuania cares all that much about America's presidential politics, yet everything that happens here sends ripples that reverberate throughout the world. It's all connected. To paraphrase my hero Ellis Carver, "We didn't think it mattered, but it did. Everything matters." So residents of earth -- enjoy having the next "leader of the free world" decided by this garbage.
Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway
This final line that isn't even English goes to Wolf Blitzer. I look forward to will not be watching the Democratic debate hosted by him on Thursday. Unless he says that line, in which case I'll hate him slightly less.
Commenter (nee contributor) TMoney wondered earlier this week who the goats favor in the ongoing presidential primary. And while the sanctity of the voting booth is one of the cornerstones of American democracy, I will oblige.
First, you may remember that Ron Paul has been pimped here before, but he's not a serious candidate. If the election was held on the internet, Paul would be viable. He's big with the 29th level druid-mage demographic.
No, Ron Paul is too conservative and supported by racists for me. If the goat were to endorse a marginal candidate, it would have to be the No. 1 Stunna, Dennis Kucinich. He's a baller and sometime shot-caller, and not in that crazy throwing rocks in lakes, Mike Gravel way. Strength through peace. Consistently holding down the left side of Congress. He even introduced the bill to impeach Cheney.
But alas, Kucinich tis not to be. There are 3 Democrats who actually could win the nomination. All of whom are far more better than any of the GOP candidates like Walnuts! or Mittens.
Let's break 'em down, my friends:
Hillary Clinton: The Efficient Political Robot. I like her because she seems to know what she's doing. And it appears she does care about stuff. No doubt Hillary could get some shit done as president, like health care and other village-related programs. On the other hand, she's clearly beholden to a variety of corporate interests and lobbyists. She's an insider who voted for the Iraq war. So as much as I want to help Bill get back on White House intern circuit, I'm going to take a pass.
John Edwards: The Pretty Boy Populist. Oh how the ladies swoon when he drawls about homeless vets living under highways. Seems genuinely committed to change, and is anti-corporate interests, which I like. Too bad he kinda comes off as irrelevant. He's the white guy in a race with a woman and an African American. Actually it's kind of funny, the candidate that's most committed to changing the way Washington works is the white guy. OK, maybe it's not that funny.
Barack Obama: The Magical Negro. After his win in white bread Iowa, pundits were quick to jump on the Obama bandwagon. He's like a cross between Kennedy and Jesus, only with more charisma! He could represent a real, tangible sea change in America -- going from G-Dub to a progressive black president would be pretty cool. Unfortunately the Diebold machines don't like him. And his newcomer/outsider status is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, he bucks the conventional Beltway wisdom; on the other hand, his lack of experience could hamper his effectiveness. But he's got the white guilt vote going for him, which is nice.
In conclusion, the official fainting goats presidential primary endorsement goes to ... FUCK VOTING. At least in the primary. That's for suckers.
You may have heard about the so-called "Obama girl" whose video I got a Crush ... On Obama skyrocketed to the top of the viral video heap, with more than two million views and counting. Be forewarned though, if you click that link you will lose braincells. Probably about a whippets' worth.
Anyway, she's back with a new video. This time Obama Girl faces off against Guiliani Girl, who says she wants Rudy to be "Guili-on-me" See for yourself.
Far be it from me to make sweeping generalizations about what the introduction of these videos could bring to American politics. uhhh ... Zeitgeist is fucked? What can I say, it's beyond me.
I mean, I like Obama and all -- I sure hope he beats out Hillary, but go ahead and call me a Paultard, cause I'm seriously considering changing my party affiliation from independent to republican just so I can vote for Ron Paul in the primary.
Ron Paul: Significantly less crazy than Mike Gravel.
Because there isn't enough on the Internets that is barely comprehensible to the author, let alone any poor soul who stumbles across it and dares to attempt reading for comprehension...
Was he robbed of the asphalt that cushioned his face?
And then you got old Newt. Honestly, when reading that Newt Gingrich may run for president, I can't help but think I am on the wrong side, living here the U.S.
We worship our own shit. Literally praying to the porcelain god. Sure theres the whole Christianity thing we got going, what with the fundies and G-Dub and all, but lets get real. Does anyone with an IQ over 90 outside of Colorado Springs actually believe in the rapture? I mean seriously, Jesus Camp? WTF! Seeing insanity replace the golden rule makes me far more confident in my atheism.
In the newsroom we joke that 1,000 Iraqis dead=1 American dead, for newsworthyness (not a word). There is a whole breakdown that could be its own post. And its funny cause its true. Gotta love dark humor.
So the question is -- Can history repeat itself?
The answer is most certainly yes, especially if you ignore the past. A majority of Americans would gladly accept new insect fascist overlords, as long as quality television programming like American Idol and Dancing with the Stars remains uninterrupted.
This is the kind of thinking that can set me off into some serious depression, so I better stop now. Happy thoughts....
2 weeks til VEGAS BABY VEGAS! Digital camera in hand, that will make for some good blogging.
- Yelling at cops about the patriot act and abuse of power never works. But kudos to that dude anyway, and I'm sure mucho volts running through your body has got to get that adrenaline pumping like a bastard.
- Pretty sure its hard to stand up after being tased.
- If you don't carry an ID on you at all times, you risk being tased.
I am sick to my stomach, back to some red hot NBA action!
America's long path toward fascism took a big step forward today. Despite rational arguments,the "terrorist" detainee bill passed the Senate without the proposed amendment to save habeas corpus. Well that was a good concept while it lasted. A good eight centuries or so. Magna Carta? Anyone? Bueller?
Good old midterm elections, nothing like the threat of attack ads saying you are "soft on terror" to get some sketchy ass legislation passed right quick. And the wiretap shit passed the House today as well. Fear-mongering RULES! So yeah, congrats everyone, you can tell your grandkids you were there to see the downfall of the greatest civilization in the history of mankind. That is if you're not up against the wall when the revolution comes dead.
But anywho, I wonder what this all will do? With voter angst pushing the democrats toward control of congress, who is to say what will happen?
I have my money on democrats taking control and pulling US troops out of Iraq so quick that that the whole region descends into chaos. And then we can't get any of our precious oil.
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