NCAAs first weekend brought to you by corporate shills

Well the first weekend of the NCAA tournament is over, and the bracket is busted or something to that effect. But at least the Sixers are still alive and, er, dancing in the NBA dance team bracket.

Anyway, I thought I'd take a look at the first weekend through the eyes of the not-so benevolent corporations who are paying for it. So get out your copy of "No Logo" put on your robe and wizard hat ironically brand-name T-Shirt, and try not to stab yourself in your good eye as we look at the glorious commercial shills that have gained exposure during the NCAA tournament, along with their sweet 16 team equivalent.

Hot DirectTV redhead
We'll start off with something that is at least easy on the eyes. I'm not sure what she's selling, and I don't care. Attractive women on television -- what a wonderful world.
Tourney equivalent: The Cinderellas: Davidson/Villanova/Western Kentucky.

Idiot Coke executives
Speaking of eye-stabbing, we have these two yahoos. Two coke execs consulting with various miss-matched attorneys about their possible legal actions against Coke Zero because of so-called taste infringement. But everyone knows Coke owns Coke Zero, so why would you sue your own company? That real estate lawyer is hilariously befuddled. What they really should be asking about is their liability for using cancer-causing sweeteners instead of sugar. Fuck these commercials in the ear.
Tourney equivalent: North Carolina. Tyler Hansbrough should sue someone for intensity infringement.

People lacking bars
If these AT&T spots are to be believed, a lack of bars is the number one threat to your going to the final four/seeing Motorhead in concert/having a dateable daughter. Sure I can accept the final four guy premise, after all, it is being advertised during a basketball tournament. And Motorhead rocks. But the guy rapping on windows at the teenage makeout spot? Wrong. I don't want to deconstruct this too much or look too deeply, but its probably fair to say this emblematic of the downfall of Western civilization. Who are they even marketing to? Teenage girls don't watch the NCAAs, so I can only surmise they are targeting parents. So the message is: Get this wireless service or your kids will yell at you? Whatever. I crave bars.
Tourney equivalent: West Virginia, because that rural mountainous state clearly lacks quality cell phone signal.

Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother
Thus begins a pop starlet's slow climb back to respectability? I doubt it. But this ad actually worked on me a bit, because I was flipping through the channels and stopped on this (after watching the first 20 minutes of Colbert). From what I could tell, Spears played some sort of slut. Clearly a stretch for her. Also worth noting: NPH is still hilarious.
Tourney Equivalent: Wisconsin for some reason.

Cuba Gooding Jr. awkwardly running toward and embracing Michael Jordan
Is there a bigger shill in the world than Cuba Gooding Jr.? The guy would clearly do anything for a buck. I am wistful for the days of Chill Factor. And Michael Jordan has no soul. He is a corporate entity, completely lacking humanity except through his friendship with Charles Oakley. But at least these spots have some sort of basic premise (idiotic though it may be) as opposed to the previous Hanes commercials featuring Jordan and Kevin Bacon inexplicably hanging out in their underwear. Also: Poop jokes are hilarious.

Tourney Equivalent: Tennessee.

Athletes talking shit to us for some reason
LaDanian Tomlinson's quick "smells like french toast" whatever the fuck that means. Just one more in the long line of Nike ad campaigns that try to make athletes more than human, and certainly better than you, the fat drunken slob sitting on the couch. If you cut Adrian Peterson, does he not bleed?
Tourney Equivalent: UCLA

Astronaut Tiger Woods
Perhaps it's because I only saw this once, but the idea of the world's greatest golfer playing on the moon actually is kind of a cool idea. Although I do question the effectiveness of his swing while wearing one of those big space suits. It would be better if he it the ball and it went flying down toward earth and created a big crater. Yeah. Golf in Space! Riveting!
Tourney Equivalent: Washington State?

Ubiquitous UPS white board ads
I just like the use of the opening riff of Postal Service's "Such Great Heights" here. Does electronic music have riffs? Hey dr.gpeice/ Charles, remember when Nilay and/or Pravs said "what can browns do for you?" That was funny.
Tourney Equivalent: Louisville/Xavier/Stanford because they could deliver or something.

VW Car Alarm Guy
Saved the best (and by best I mean worst) for last. This is the spot where the guy keeps a young couple away from his freshly purchased VW by setting off the alarm. This is just fucking stupid. Wouldn't the guy want to take his new car out of the dealership and drive it? Also, black people don't drive Volkswagens. At least I've never seen one.
Tourney Equivalent: Memphis

Well there you have it. Clearly I watch too much TV.