The presidential primary brought to you by Guns and Roses

The presidential race is finally heating up after four elections worth of coverage before Super Tuesday. If you are a voter in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee or Utah, get ready, cause you are going to decide who could be the next president. That's 24 states. Nothing to worry about there, it's completely normal.

DISCLAIMER: If you are an independent voter, you may not have the option of voting in the primary. Also, this post is a complete ripoff of classic Simmons, where he would break down an NBA season or something based on movie quotes.

So here's the goats official take on the presidential primary, sure opinions have been offered before, but you gotta go with GnR for anything definitive. And no, I don't know what that means.



"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach...
So, you get what we had here last week,
which is the way he wants it!
Well, he gets it!"

This goes to the American Voter in all his infinite wisdom. One thing I've realized in my year of blogging and 2+ years at a newspaper, is that reading for comprehension is a dying art in this country. I can't even count the number of people who have called in pissed off about something that turns out to be a result of their own lack of understanding. (Not to praise the writers here, though, they're awful). So yeah, the average voter has zero ability at this point to parse information for themselves, which leads us too ...

My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side
And the wars go on with brainwashed pride
For the love of God and our human rights
And all these things are swept aside
By bloody hands time can't deny
And are washed away by your genocide
And history hides the lies of our civil wars

This goes to the mainstream media, cable news especially. Tasked with keeping the voting populace informed on the pressing issues of the day, CNN et al have increasingly resorted to sensationalism and hype in place of real news. Of course, they are only playing to the ratings, their hands are tied. Because clearly making money is the most important a news organization can do. Well, that and promoting doublethink.

Do you wear a black armband
When they shot the man
Who said "Peace could last forever"

This goes to John Edwards, who just dropped out of the race. He never said peace could last forever, nor was he shot. But his campaign was a "scrappy underdog bid in which he steered his rivals toward progressive ideals while grappling with family hardship that roused voters' sympathies," according to the AP. Where's my black armband?

So I never fell for Vietnam
We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all

This goes to John 'Walnuts' McCain. While its debatable whether he "never fell for Vietnam" he was tortured there, and that tenuous connection is good enough for me. I just like seeing hardcore conservatives forced to accept the straight-talking maverick as their best hope for president. Also he's old, creepy and kinda insane.


That you can't trust freedom
When it's not in your hands

This is my favorite lyric, so it goes to my favorite candidate -- Barack Obama. Yes, that's the fainting goats endorsement, for what its worth. Returning the power to the people and taking back our democracy are big parts of his message of hope. Now he's got the Kennedys in his corner too, which has got to be a bonus.

When everybody's fightin'
For their promised land

Here we have Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee. Everyone's favorite religious wackos are still hanging around the GOP race, fighting tooth and nail. Keep reaching for that rainbow you fucking nutballs.


It feeds the rich while it buries the poor
Your power hungry sellin' soldiers

Rudy Giuliani. "The best way to achieve peace is through overwhelming strength." Yeah, and a nuclear wasteland is totally peaceful. Dude is such a fascist. I also enjoy him saying we should have less lawsuits. There should be a collective bargaining lawsuit against him for defrauding the American people and causing 9/11. And by collective bargaining I mean class action. I'm cool.

In a human grocery store
Ain't that fresh

This stupid metaphor goes to the Florida Democrats. Surely the land of Kitty Harris and Jeb Bush will work out well for you? No. Living up to their bumbling rep, they lost their delegates when the election was moved to a week before super Tuesday. Blowing their load, if you will. Yet somehow the Republicans kept their delegates for Walnuts. I blame witchcraft. Anyway, congratulations Florida, you truly are America's wang.

Look at the shoes your filling
Look at the blood we're spilling
Look at the world we're killing
The way we've always done before
Look in the doubt we've wallowed
Look at the leaders we've followed
Look at the lies we've swallowed
And I don't want to hear no more

This goes to Hillary Clinton. A reminder of the recent past, but kind of rejecting that past at the same time. The goats are not against her at this point, I just hope she doesn't destroy the Democratic party by trying to take down Obama. Kennedys vs. Clintons has all the pundits with severe hard ons. THE JUGGERNAUT POLITICAL SHOWDOWN! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY

"We practice selective annihilation of mayors
And government officials
For example to create a vacuum
Then we fill that vacuum
As popular war advances
Peace is closer"

This goes to the Internet. Selective annihilation is as good a description as any for how things go down on this series of tubes. Be it a viral video or a war between Anonymous and Scientology or whatever. No one has the full grasp of how it affects politics, yet it certainly does. Amorphous and uncontrollable as a whole, yet on a small scale it allows any nerd with a high-speed connection to put out their opinions. Whether this is all bring bringing peace closer is debateable, but the web certainly creates and fills vacuums.

I don't need your civil war (repeated)

This goes to the rest of the world. Surely no one in China or Lithuania cares all that much about America's presidential politics, yet everything that happens here sends ripples that reverberate throughout the world. It's all connected. To paraphrase my hero Ellis Carver, "We didn't think it mattered, but it did. Everything matters." So residents of earth -- enjoy having the next "leader of the free world" decided by this garbage.

Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway

This final line that isn't even English goes to Wolf Blitzer. I look forward to will not be watching the Democratic debate hosted by him on Thursday. Unless he says that line, in which case I'll hate him slightly less.