Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Don't call it a comeback

Commenter (nee contributor) TMoney wondered earlier this week who the goats favor in the ongoing presidential primary. And while the sanctity of the voting booth is one of the cornerstones of American democracy, I will oblige.

First, you may remember that Ron Paul has been pimped here before, but he's not a serious candidate. If the election was held on the internet, Paul would be viable. He's big with the 29th level druid-mage demographic.

No, Ron Paul is too conservative and supported by racists for me. If the goat were to endorse a marginal candidate, it would have to be the No. 1 Stunna, Dennis Kucinich. He's a baller and sometime shot-caller, and not in that crazy throwing rocks in lakes, Mike Gravel way. Strength through peace. Consistently holding down the left side of Congress. He even introduced the bill to impeach Cheney.

But alas, Kucinich tis not to be. There are 3 Democrats who actually could win the nomination. All of whom are far more better than any of the GOP candidates like Walnuts! or Mittens.

Let's break 'em down, my friends:

Hillary Clinton: The Efficient Political Robot. I like her because she seems to know what she's doing. And it appears she does care about stuff. No doubt Hillary could get some shit done as president, like health care and other village-related programs. On the other hand, she's clearly beholden to a variety of corporate interests and lobbyists. She's an insider who voted for the Iraq war. So as much as I want to help Bill get back on White House intern circuit, I'm going to take a pass.

John Edwards: The Pretty Boy Populist. Oh how the ladies swoon when he drawls about homeless vets living under highways. Seems genuinely committed to change, and is anti-corporate interests, which I like. Too bad he kinda comes off as irrelevant. He's the white guy in a race with a woman and an African American. Actually it's kind of funny, the candidate that's most committed to changing the way Washington works is the white guy. OK, maybe it's not that funny.

Barack Obama: The Magical Negro. After his win in white bread Iowa, pundits were quick to jump on the Obama bandwagon. He's like a cross between Kennedy and Jesus, only with more charisma! He could represent a real, tangible sea change in America -- going from G-Dub to a progressive black president would be pretty cool. Unfortunately the Diebold machines don't like him. And his newcomer/outsider status is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, he bucks the conventional Beltway wisdom; on the other hand, his lack of experience could hamper his effectiveness. But he's got the white guilt vote going for him, which is nice.

In conclusion, the official fainting goats presidential primary endorsement goes to ... FUCK VOTING. At least in the primary. That's for suckers.


A-Rob said...

If I could vote on the Republicans, I'd cast my vote for Fred Thompson and his trophy wife.

Anonymous said...

In an unrelated note, I was happy to see Westbrook finally getting some respect. Also, I think I will be in OC MD this weekend. If you don't have anything to do you should come down.


dr.gpiece said...

the magical negro! hilarious.

Anonymous said...

You populist bastard. Well played for now--but you gotta jump off the Ron Paul / Mike Gravel blimp eventually. Did you google Barack and Jesus to get that superman pic?