RIP Herbert Kornfeld, 1973-2007

Herbert “H-Dog” Kornfeld died on Friday after a suspicious accident involving the copy machine at Midstate Office Supply. He was 34.

Kornfeld was the Accounts Receivable Supervisor at Midstate, and he also wrote a syndicated column about office issues for The Onion, well-known as the nation’s finest news source.

H-Dog was known for telling it straight in his columns as he saw it. He described his writing style best when he wrote, “This straight-up, non-stop, hardcore shit, y'all, an' tol' wit' mad suspense, too, tha kind that make yo' shit evacuate, know what I'm sayin'? It like a haiku a' violence.”

After dropping out of high school, Kornfeld found his niche when freestyle street accountant CPA-ONE took the him under his wing and taught him the ways of the ledger. Later Kornfeld graduated from Eastech Bidness College.

A strong believer in the Accountz Reeceevable code and renowned for his SKEELZ, H-Dog often expressed disdain for “them HR Bitchez” and his natural enemies in “Accountz Payabo,” especially “that wack Judy Metzger, always wearin' a fool grin an' pushin' her muthafukkin' snickerdoodle cookiez on tha Midstate krew.”

Also known for rocking his Membaz Only gear, he would not hesitate in reaching for his Letta Opener of Death when threatened, and it did get him out of many tough scrapes, many of which he wrote about in his columns.

One of his greatest achievements was sabotaging an Office Max when it tried to move in on Midstate’s turf in May of 2002. He went undercover at the Max for 3 months, eventually forcing the store to close its doors. But that was just one small feat for the “stone-col' superbaddest employee at Midstate.”

H-Dog enjoyed cocktail weenies, bumping Chicago tunes out tha factory speakers in his hoopty -- the Nite Rida, giving “H-Luv” to his shortiez, Dinty Moore stew and balancing variances wit a quickness.

He is survived by his son: Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second; his homiez: Kount Von Numbacrunch, Sir Casio KL7000, Petty Ca$h and AirGoNomic; his former homie until defection into Accountz Payabo: Jerry Tha Sharpie Head; his former protégé Mike Pisano, aka ACO-LYTE; all tha fly hos in Marketin'; and his baby-momma Agnes.

He was preceded in death by his mentor, CPA-ONE.

A viewing will be held at Midstate Office Supply on Saturday, followed by a reception at the Denny’s out by the airport.