Deathmatch Counterpunch: Best Videogames

5. Metroid.
For a long time this was the greatest game in the history of the universe. Hidden energy tanks. Secret levels with badasses named Ridley. And sweet sweet Motherbrain. Ahhh. Not to mention the fact that, if you win it five times, your space mask comes off. And you become a chick. Hot.

Bonus points for spotting King Hippo.

4. James Bond: Goldeneye
I didn’t know how fun shooting people in the head could be until I played this on N64. A three-dimensional world, you say? Bah. Flimshaw. Videogames will never become so complex.

(Inappropriate.)

3. NHL 94
Damn you Alexander Mogilny and your inhuman agility. And why won’t Jeremy Roenick just go down? The only thing better than crosschecking someone until their head bleeds is perpetrating The Move on one of your weirdo friends (another C Wright reference).

Best Goal Ever

2. MarioKart
I celebrate the entire MarioKart collection, from its SNES progenitor to the current Gamecube version. And Rainbow Road is a culturally relevant topic.


1. RBI Baseball.
It’s funny because there is crying in baseball. At least when you make errors. This is the best game ever because it combines Tony Gwynn, Ricky Henderson, and a young Benito Santiago with gameplay that’s only gotten more enjoyable over time. And you can hit home runs through walls. And Mark McGwire isn’t yet ruined.


It also is analogous with the past:

Too Nintendo heavy, this list? I’m living in the past, you say?

With twenty years of tradition from The Legend of Zelda to Wii Sports, you’re goddamn right I’m living in the past….