Topless Karate?

Sure, why not. I especially enjoy the sound effects. and the tits.

Serenity Now

"This game is rigged, man. We like them little bitches on the chessboard."
-Preston "Bodie" Broadus

Sorry for not posting anything in a while. Been busy with work and "The Wire" has been on demand, which had been taking up a lot of my time. No Bubbles, don't go back to the needle! I blame Wee Bey.

Anyway. Let's light this candle.

In case you haven't heard, you can download the new Radiohead album straight from their website, and pay whatever you think is appropriate. I haven't listened to Radiohead since my copy of OK Computer was stolen by a crackhead in aught three, but the new album is enjoyable so far, especially because I bought it for $2. The RIAA sucks.

Frank Rich can bitch about 'Good Germans' all he wants, as long as I don't have to pay a war tax.

If that's not horrifying enough for you: Check this out.

awwwwwwwwwwwww

Ten million ways to die. Choose One.
Me, I'm going with the tunnel of death.

Have you heard about this new breed of internet terrorists that call themselves anonymous? It's true. It's seems they attack innocent AOL and MySpace users by hacking. "Anonymous" has even infiltrated this here fainting goats, often asking for more Philly sports masturbation. Fortunately we have local Fox affiliates blowing the lid off this secret society of websites.
So. Many. Jokes. Brain. Exploding. Like. That. Van.



That's all I got, maybe check back later for something on YOUR NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS. That is if this case of Molson is as inspirational as it refreshing.

Thanks for the lesson

In case you fell asleep in health class and was too busy playing tetherball to catch all the talk in elementary recess, here's a little informative clip.



A good start gone bad.

Ha

You may remember the old Powerthirst video I put up while back. Well those crazy bastards are back, and their thirst is somehow more powerful.

I wish I could shoot bear heads out of my balls, thus killing other bears.

I hate Tony Kornheiser

That is, I would if I was a Buffalo Bills fan.
I don't feel like explaining myself, so here's a video.

Ha ha. Star Wars is fake.

268 Greatest Films: #39 Brick

Let's break out something in the top 50.

Brick takes the traditional "noir" movie genre and turns it on its ear by setting it in high school. It's more hard-boiled than anything that's come out since, uhhhh, let's say Chinatown.

It tells the tale of a loner named Brendan as he slowly unravels the mystery of his ex-girlfriends murder. It involves drugs, treachery, seduction and punching. Lots of punching.

The dialogue is unique -- not like anything you've heard in any movie that's come out in a long time. It's the kind of film that greatly rewards repeated viewings. Possibly while high.

Let's take a look at a clip, here's Brendan's first meeting with Dode.


Tagline: A detective story.

Plot Spoilers: Hrm, where too start. Well, Emily was pregnant ... Tug kills Dode ... that's all you're getting.

Notable Quotes:
Laura Dannon: [On the phone with Brendan] Who is this?
Brendan Frye: I won't waste your time: you don't know me.
Laura: I know everyone, and I have all the time in the world.
Brendan Frye: Ah, the folly of youth.

Laura: Do you trust me now?
Brendan: Less than when I didn't trust you before.

Brendan: [to the vice principal, played by Richard Roundtree of all people] No more of these informal chats! If you have a disciplinary issue with me, write me up or suspend me -- and I'll see you at the Parent-Teacher conference.

The Brain: Ask any dope rat where their junk sprang and they'll say they scraped it from that who scored it from this who bought it off so and after four or five connections the list always ends with the Pin. But I bet you got every rat in town together and said 'show your hands' if any of them've actually seen the Pin, you'd get a crowd of full pockets.

Brendan: I've got knives in my eyes, I'm going home sick.

The Pin: You read Tolkien?
Brendan: What?
The Pin: You know, the Hobbit books?
Brendan: Yeah.
The Pin: His descriptions of things are really good. He makes you wanna be there.

Brendan Frye: Maybe I'll just sit here and bleed at you.

Best Character: There are a lot of good choices here. Brendan is pretty obvious. Kara (played by Meagan Good) is a total piece of ass. The Pin is pretty cool, what with his love of Tolkien and van with a lamp in the back. But he lives with his mom, so I'm going to give this to Tug. The dude is simply a punching machine. He's the Pin's muscle, but then Brendan plays him like a fiddle and gets him into his corner, leading to the eventual showdown...

Another reason to see it: The fight between Brendan and Brad Bramish is one of my favorite scenes of all time. Brad Bramish is going to do what needs to get done indeed.

This is a disaster

"You can't Hoard fun. It has no shelf life."
-Hunter S. Thompson

Congratulations to the winners of the 2007 Beard and Moustache championships.

Apparently the whole "Don't tase me bro!" thing is all deep and shit, and is a classic example of a hip catchphrase. I think my use of it falls the hip nostalgic nihilistic phase. Either that or its hilarious to see a dude get tased.

I have something in my notes for this post called "nightmare fuel" and I forget what it refers too, I think it was something specific. This is probably ill-advised, but lets see what we can turn up through a little google search ... OH GOD WHY! KILL IT NOW! Yeah that's the end of that. Stupid lack of memory.

This reporter getting hit on is fucking hilarious.


The sacrilicious nature of this site intrigues me, kinda.

Thursday night is the night for the funny on TV apparently. I thoroughly enjoyed The Office and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Also worth noting is 30 Rock, complete with Jerry Seinfeld and gratuitous plugs for his new movie. It's a shame that show is too smart to be a hit. You can watch old episodes here.

I enjoyed this story about a stubborn old woman.

That's all I got, I'm going up to central Pennsylvania to get drunk in the middle of nowhere this weekend. Wish me luck.

That's a shame

Yeah, about those Phillies, they kind of sucked. One game down, three to go. At least I got to go out and "cover" the fans reaction during the game. Which means I went to the bar and had a few drinks while bullshitting with random patrons.

Anyway, here's two giraffes fighting. Ha ha.

Fight the power

M-V-P, M-V-P, M-V-P

Well here we are. It's October and the Phillies are inexplicably still alive. Despite missing Ryan Howard and Chase Utley for about a month each. Despite the presence of Adam Eaton (left off the playoff roster, thank god). Despite Charlie Manuel's midseason fight with a "noted" radio personality. Despite the bullpen's tendency for domestic abuse. Despite it all, and somehow in despite of history, the team will face God's team of destiny in the divisional round starting Wednesday.

I must admit, Wes Helms notwithstanding, I love this team. I want to gently hold it while it whispers sweet nothings in my ear. I want to spend all night walking with it on the streets of New York or perhaps Paris, sharing our deepest passions until the sun comes up. I want to put it in its butt.


It wasn't always this way. Earlier this summer the team earned derision for its 10,000th loss. As little as a month ago the thought of the Phillies overtaking the unstoppable juggernaut that was the New York Mets was implausible at best.

But then they swept those Mets. And then they swept them again. And then Jose Reyes realized that he is a bitch. And the Phillies line-up (sparked by Pat Burrell no less) started running through National League pitchers like a werewolf with a chainsaw for a dick.

They had 48 come from behind wins. Think about that for a second. Of their 89 wins, more than half came after they trailed. Of course when your pitching staff resembles a MASH unit for much of the year, it becomes necessary. Anybody remember Jon Lieber? How bout that Freddy Garcia signing? Praise Kyle Kendrick.

So now they face that other team that made an improbable run just to make the postseason. Chances are many a pitcher will want to tap out after a few to many innings in the two best hitters parks in baseball. But anything can happen. They have the opportunity. Despite the presence of Dane Cook, I cannot wait. Go Phils.

Oh yeah, and if you haven't seen it, check out Mr. Met's ill-fated suicide attempts, followed by an assist from the Phanatic in this sketch from Conan.

phillies fever

It's true, Victorino is the Phillies creationist Jesus. I have no idea what that means.

Also, if anyone wants to talk/be quoted in a story about the Phillies, hit me up on my cell Tuesday.

I'll have something more coherent on the Phils before Game 1.

Run from the memories

Consider this a belated/shitty edition of the phriday philler. The last thing I want is the curse of TMoney* to ruin the Phils chances at the postseason.

The Saturday loss coupled with the Mets win has Phillies fans everywhere ringing their hands with great vigor. Suddenly the sure thing that was the Mets collapse does not seem so certain. The possibility of a the Phillies straight-up missing the playoffs (by one game again no less, I fucking called it) has everyone remembering so many failed attempts in years past. Chico Ruiz=Matt Chico. *shudder*

Ah well, best not to think about all that too much. No whammies. Here a few things I came across in the past couple days.

First, you may remember the UF "Don't tase me bro!" guy. And in the natural progression of life, somebody remixed that with MC Hammer. Of course they did.


Haha, monkeysphere. Pirate Monkey named Slappy, that's pure gold.

Remember even if your sports team loses, there is always after hours parties. That is if you aren't stuck in domestic bliss. In which case you can go shopping with your wife instead. Suckers.

OK that's it. I'm going to go root root root for the home team.

*There is no such thing as the curse of TMoney. Yet.

BURRELL BOMB

Go Cards and Brewers. That is all.

248 greatest films of all time: #213 Army of Darkness

Back before Sam Raimi was the director of the Spider-man flicks, he was best known for his "Evil Dead" trilogy, capped off by this epic.

Granted, the production values aren't the best, I think the skeleton budget was about $600 -- which works out to about 30 cents per skeleton.

Some may call it corny, but it's also one of the most eminently watchable movies ever, evidenced by the 400 times it was watched on the ghetto VCR in college.

Here's a clip from fairly early in the film, watch for the the chainsaw and Ash's Indiana Jones-like ability to use his belt as a whip.

Tagline: Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

Plot Spoilers: Evil follows Ash to the past, where he awakens it by taking the Necronomicon or something. He leads a bunch of middle ages dudes in battle using the assortment of future technology he has in the trunk of his oldsmobile (including chemistry tesxtbooks for some reason) eventually fighting off the evil menace. Also there is an evil version of Ash leading the "deadites" who suffers death by catapult.

Best Character: Ummm, is there really a question? It's everyone's favorite S-Mart employee, Ash. Shit he is arguably one of the biggest badasses ever. The ridiculous number of one-liners he delivers would make 1980s-era Arnold Schwarzenegger blush.

Notable Quotes:
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.

[after shooting King Arthur's sword in half]
Ash: Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This ... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?

Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.

Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.

Evil Ash: You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!
Ash: Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Evil Ash: Huh?
[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]

Ash: [fires shotgun] Go ahead and run. Run home and cry to momma! I'm going to stay here and fight it out! Who's with me!
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.

Skeleton: Let's get the hell out of here!

Another reason to see it: At one point the undead army is marching into battle and the skeletons are playing musical intruments made out of, get this, other skeletons! Plus, the members of the undead army die in increasingly ridiculous ways. If you have never seen a skeleton turn to the camera and scream effeminately after being lit on fire, this is your chance.

Damn it

You see what happens, TMoney? You see what happens? This is what happens when I get my hopes up about the Phillies. This is what happens.

Walter Sobchak aside, it's like their playoff chances are decided by some sort of giant dice rolling down a mountain in Greenland. How will it end? We'll just have to wait and see.


Also, I am definitely rooting for the folks over at the pee your pants for the Brewers campaign.

It's on like voltron

Six games. Half a fucking dozen. That's all there is. Win 'em all and it's playoffs. This is the year?

The Padres are imploding. Thanks to my friend and yours Milton Bradley, their season is scrabbled their postseason hopes are at risk they aren't acting like hungry hungry hippos in regards to the playoffs.

Just saying, it's nice to see another team imploding. I am not in anyway assuming that the Phillies are going to make the playoffs. That would be foolish. No whammies.

What the F?

Note to self: Trying to get into "Heroes" by watching the first episode of the second season with absolutely no concept of the various plotlines doesn't work, and in fact is horribly confusing.


That said, here is a video that is vaguely Halo-related, because Halo 3 comes out in about an hour and a half. Anyone want to lend me $500 so I can buy an XBox 360 and the "legendary edition" complete with helmet? No? I hate you.

What the world needs now

Welcome to another edition of phriday philler, bitches. Hope you all enjoyed digging up your mother's corpse for the jewelry. Just keep telling yourself it's better than being married to Danny DeVito.

Did you know scientists discovered some sort of fungus living in the Chernobyl reactor this past spring that feeds on gamma radiation? I just hope they don't make it angry.

Freedarko has been keeping me wildly entertained this past week. Here's a passage from a recent post about the "stat wars":

Then, this Kirilenko situation. It's been like finding evidence of a furry dinosaur, or uncovering the tomb where Martians fell. Without resorting to any hyperbole, for there is no need for it in the hour of fulfillment: Andrei Kirilenko is the player of tomorrow. More than Garnett or Durant, he marks a turn in the game that is as material as it is conceptual or speculative.

Indeed. It's also true that Kirilenko is powered by radiation and was conceived in space by two cosmonauts.

Elsewhere in sports, Donovan McNabb provided the one of the best defense/explanation of his race remarks on his blog. Get it from the source, but keep it in context.

Maybe you heard about the blowback from MoveOn.org's "General Betray-us" ad in the New York Times. Well it all culminated in G-Dub calling the ad "disgusting" and Congress voting against it. Not really sure how you vote against an advertisement that has already appeared in a newpaper, but whatever. Not everyone is happy that those clowns in Washington are voting on irrelevant amendments while there is a fucking war on. And it may end well?

On a lighter note, the list-tacular cracked.com is always good to exponentially kill some time at work. For example their list of the 8 best webcomics was pretty good. Plus that list had the Perry Bible Fellowship, which is fucking ridiculous. Also this:

That's it for this week. Enjoy your weekend -- I'm will spend mine learning how to crank that.

Don't tase me, bro!

Have you heard about the University of Florida student who was tased at the John Kerry speech? It has been all over the web recently. Some call it another act of police brutality and example of "Amerika's new police state." Others say that the kid is a total jackass who got what was coming to him.

I'm undecided at this point. The kid was trying to make a scene, and clearly he's a jackass. But does that warrant a tasering? Police are allowed to fuck you up just because you are acting a fool? I kind of wish the kid was black so this would be an even bigger deal.

Nevertheless, we can all thank the young man for introducing the phrase "Don't tase me, bro!" into the cultural lexicon.

Deathmatch Listoff: Favorite players to heckle in left field at Citizens Bank Park on Sundays

Matt Stairs (Toronto Blue Jays)

This dude got a beating for no other reason than he plays left field for a team that beat us in the 1993 World Series (damn you Joe Carter). That and supposedly his last name is the same thing he should take more often. Being called a fat ass by a dude choking down a greasy cheesesteak must be the ultimate diss.

Pat Burrell (Philadelphia Phillies)

Considering we're a town that throws snowballs at Santa Clause, it shouldn't be surprising that we don't back down at hassling the shit out of our own players. Especially when he is making a team-leading $13M this year and he can't chase down a fly ball to save his life. Regardless, he's always met with pomp and circumstance upon returning to the field after blasting a Burrell Bomb. He needs to beat his wife more. Inappropriate? Worked out pretty well for Brett Myers.



Milton Bradley (San Diego Padres)

Milton Bradley hates Philly because Philly hates Milton Bradley because we can. Milt was a bit flamboyant on his home run trot during an earlier game and the fans made sure to remind him that he wasn't in southern Cali. Sympathy? Try calling Darryl Strawberry and ask him how it felt getting pelted by batteries. I'm sure he'll tell you how a little coke goes a long way in easing those pains. I digress. Milton "not the game company" Bradley tried his hand at flapping his jaw back at the crowd a few times while in left field. Good thinking.


Matt Diaz (Atlanta Braves)

I think Diaz really enjoyed our heckling. Several times we noticed him slapping his glove against his knee to the beat of our "You suck Diaz!" chant. But the real fun part about this dude was the pronunciation of his last name. Most people assumed "Dee-az" instead of the proper "Die-az" and it pissed the living shit out of a black-hat wearing douche in our row. Then when said douche try to heckle the hecklers regarding the proper way to pronounce his name, the focus turned to him. Chants of "You suck Diaz" were traded in for "You suck black hat." I'm sure Matt "don't call me 'Dee-az'" Diaz appreciated your support, black hat. Extra kudos to Mr. Diaz in flicking off the girl in the front row. Yes, the one with the nice "smile."



Alfonso Soriano (Chicago Cubs)

Alfonso was one of the top stars to pick daisy in left field during a Sunday home game at The Bank. A year earlier, while he was in the midst of a 40/40 season and approaching free-agency, Philly fans were more interested in getting Mr. Soriano to slip into a Phillies uniform, but with his high-dollar deal in the windy city, he received his fair share of shit. He, too, decided to talk shit back to the fans. Come on, Alfonso, you'll only make us more pissed at you. Even the old lady a few seats down from me removed her dentures to tell you to blow it out your ass. You should know better.



Honorable Mention (i.e., he who doesn't play day games after evening games)

Hmmm. There is a well-heckled baseball player who plays left fiend for a team that played the Phightins during the weekend that wasn't mentioned. Who could it be? If my memory serves me correctly, he broke a major record this year. Unfortunately Barry was out of the lineup on the Sunday when the Giants were in town (Shane Victorino day). In his defence, it was also raining that day. If he did play, I would have thanked him for the elevated value of his rookie card that I have.

A Philadelphia fan's lament

If you read this blog, you probably know I am a fan of pretty much all things Philadelphia sports. For this I blame my father. Taking a impressionable kid to Phillies and Eagles playoff games tends to have a lasting effect. Especially when the teams lose.


So, yeah, I am die-hard for the Phils and Birds, and have been since the early '90s. This is problematic, because I hate the typical Philadelphia fan. Call it self-loathing, call it elitist, call it masochism, I don't know. I have gotten into the agony of the Philadelphia sport scene before, but that was a self-centered look at my own fandom. I didn't consider how much I resent my association with general louts.

In case you are unaware of the Philly fan mythology, let me clue you in -- we booed santa claus, repeatedly ran all-star players out of town, hate prima donnas and cowboys, and have little to no tolerance for athletes who make it look easy. Also, the vocal majority are a bunch of clowns. Morons if you will. Take the whole "booing McNabb" thing for instance. I have heard defenses that we are booing "the organization" or whatever, but that is fucking dogshit. The man has been pure class for a team with a less than glorious history, and he gets no slack at all? Grow the fuck up.

And now it begins again with the whole Real Sports interview where Donovan says black quarterbacks are held to a different standard than their white counterparts. Fans are going to call him a baby, a whiner, and maybe even a prima donna. Guess what losers racists, you are just proving him right. If his hometown fans don't even support him after a crazy-fast comeback from knee surgery, four NFC championship games and one Super Bowl appearance, what do you think rival fans are gonna do? Look at San Francisco in its support for Barry Bonds. The man is clearly an asshole and a steroid user, but they cheer him anyway. After all, he's their asshole steroid user.


And don't get me started on the ridiculous number of fairweather douchebags that have come out of the woodwork during the Eagles recent run of success and since the opening of the Phillies beautiful new stadium. I'm not sure which I detest more, the number of times I hear "bro" at Citizen's Bank Park or the shrieking of the low-hanging fruit that is female eagle fans. You fucks are goddamn frontrunners and you know it. Remember the Ray Rhodes era? How bout Gregg Jefferies? My fellow fans disgust me.

As I said before, this is a problem. I have tried to reconcile my feelings toward my fellow fans. They don't know any better, I tell myself. Just because they didn't suffer through the late-90s dark ages of Philly fandom, that doesn't make them bad people. But it does make them bad fans. They weren't there when Doug Petersen was starting quarterback in the first year of Andy Reids tenure. They weren' t there when Doug fucking Glanville was the Phillies best offensive threat. Sure most were aware of the fact that the local team kinda sucks, but they didn't feel it. They didn't scare the family dog by screaming at Ty Detmer to throw the fucking ball more than 10 yards.

OK, maybe I am overreaching a bit here. I'm sure there are other Philly sports fans that are far more die-hard than myself. And others (maybe) that treat those on the field with some modicum of respect, or at least don't boo all-pros. But sweet merciful jebus why can't we just support our team in a healthy way? Not too harp on the whole McNabb thing, but do we really think its helpful to boo him? Nevermind the fact that he is the best QB in the history of this dirty-ass city -- it can't be good for the man's psyche. A psyche on which the success of our team likely rests.


Well I'm about ranted out at this point. I would like to mention that I have been trying to adopt a more freedarko-style "enlightened fandom" point of view -- rooting for a style of play or whatever, its all kind of vague. But that is near impossible when you have such ingrained loyalties in certain sports. It works sort of with NBA, ie the Warriors last year, but that's just because I have never lived and died by a sixers score. The run to the finals in 2001 was nice, but they have never been a very likeable team in the past 20 years, AI and Sir Charles notwithstanding.