Free dirty money

The other day I was bicycling in the early dawn and thinking about getting some frostbite. Suddenly I spotted a ten dollar bill lying in the middle of the street. Oh fortuitous chance that I happened to take that particular route to work that day. Now some might just chalk it up to luck and go buy something for 10 dollars. Not me. For some reason it's important to consider the deeper meanings and implications of finding money randomly.

Later I stumbled across a news article, titled "Where did the bailout money go? Shhhhh, it's a secret." After my initial shock at the idea that some sort of doofus-looking woman is in charge of more government funds than have been spent in Iraq, I had an epiphany. Clearly the banks aren't telling where the money is going because of their secret plan.  A plan to literally litter the streets with cash. Streets many will soon be forced to live on after their homes are taken by these very same banks. What better way to benefit the nation's poor?

Of course, this begs the question why? Why not just send out some checks like the notoriously-successful stimulus package that went out earlier this year? The problem with that was some unpatriotic bastards decided to save their 600 dollars in hopes of building a nest egg and the economy remained sadly unstimulated. But when the money is thrown into the street, it becomes found money, free to all. Few things are spent faster than free money even if it is only percieved that way.

So to Hank Paulson, the Goldman Sachs wizard who undoubtedly came up with this plan, I say "Huzzah, good sir!" You have finally found a way to stimulate the flagging economy even while historic numbers of laid off workers hit the unemployment rolls. Just imagine Paulson and all the other bank bigwigs smearing dog shit all over small unmarked bills (for realism) and then driving down main street throwing them out the window of their rolls royce limos. It's going to be the best Christmas ever!