Everything I need to know about 18-year-olds, I learned last night
So it's been a while since I've posted (my debut post) and my Deathmatch: Best Simpsons Episodes post never really came to fruition. It probably would have been pretty cool, but it would have required me to post at work and also use my computer at home to pirate the requisite multi-media enhancements. If you don't know me very well, we lost my ambition level at "it would have required me to..."
Now that we got that out of the way, lately my choices in female companionship have come under scrutiny within our social circle and have been the target of unsolicited personal attacks. I would like to take a moment here to justify my actions and defend my value system.
So without further ado, let's bring the classiness of Fainting Goats down a couple notches. Here's what I found out about 18-year-olds first hand last night:
1. 18-year-olds will drink you under the table. The conspiratorial novelty of procuring alcohol whilst underage is pretty much at its peak and they revel in this with gusto. Plus, if you're outpacing me, you're probably ignoring very serious problems in your life.
2. 18-year-olds like sex more than you do. I know, I was scared too. Nothing makes you feel more like a crusty old bastard then having this nubile little thing ready to go and the only thing you can think of is the Snu-Snu episode of Futurama.
3. 18-year-olds can cum solely by oral stimulation of their nipples. I'm no player, but I've never encountered this in a girl ever. All I can say is that it's fantastic. Additionally, it's the only thing that saved my sorry ass from the whole Snu-Snu debacle.
4. 18-year-olds make some of the cutest noises you've ever heard and some of the scariest body contortions you've ever witnessed when they make their Oh-face. Seriously, I stopped for a second because I thought I broke her or triggered a previously benign case of epilepsy.
5. 18-year-olds will give you head for an hour and then take a sip from a glass of water so they can give you head for another hour. It's just as awesome as it sounds. I can never go back to the two-licks lollipop treatment followed by the desperate "is that good?" mutter that seems to be so popular in my actual demographic.
6. 18-year-olds that are on the rag will unprovokingly offer the dirt pipe as a legitimate substitute. On the first date, with no condom and no qualms about busting inside them. This takes at least three dates in my actual demographic
7. 18-year-olds don't know very much about guys. You never have to say to a guy, "I don't know if you're into anal..."
8. 18-year-olds make the world a better a place to live. There's always been this void in my life... I've tried filling it with work, friends, alcohol, drugs... but those were all dead ends. I've found my calling.
Yes, today was the best day of my life.
Yes, today my breakfast tasted better than any meal you've ever eaten.
And by breakfast, I mean sex with an 18-year-old dark-haired, light-eyed hottie.
Now that we got that out of the way, lately my choices in female companionship have come under scrutiny within our social circle and have been the target of unsolicited personal attacks. I would like to take a moment here to justify my actions and defend my value system.
So without further ado, let's bring the classiness of Fainting Goats down a couple notches. Here's what I found out about 18-year-olds first hand last night:
1. 18-year-olds will drink you under the table. The conspiratorial novelty of procuring alcohol whilst underage is pretty much at its peak and they revel in this with gusto. Plus, if you're outpacing me, you're probably ignoring very serious problems in your life.
2. 18-year-olds like sex more than you do. I know, I was scared too. Nothing makes you feel more like a crusty old bastard then having this nubile little thing ready to go and the only thing you can think of is the Snu-Snu episode of Futurama.
3. 18-year-olds can cum solely by oral stimulation of their nipples. I'm no player, but I've never encountered this in a girl ever. All I can say is that it's fantastic. Additionally, it's the only thing that saved my sorry ass from the whole Snu-Snu debacle.
4. 18-year-olds make some of the cutest noises you've ever heard and some of the scariest body contortions you've ever witnessed when they make their Oh-face. Seriously, I stopped for a second because I thought I broke her or triggered a previously benign case of epilepsy.
5. 18-year-olds will give you head for an hour and then take a sip from a glass of water so they can give you head for another hour. It's just as awesome as it sounds. I can never go back to the two-licks lollipop treatment followed by the desperate "is that good?" mutter that seems to be so popular in my actual demographic.
6. 18-year-olds that are on the rag will unprovokingly offer the dirt pipe as a legitimate substitute. On the first date, with no condom and no qualms about busting inside them. This takes at least three dates in my actual demographic
7. 18-year-olds don't know very much about guys. You never have to say to a guy, "I don't know if you're into anal..."
8. 18-year-olds make the world a better a place to live. There's always been this void in my life... I've tried filling it with work, friends, alcohol, drugs... but those were all dead ends. I've found my calling.
Yes, today was the best day of my life.
Yes, today my breakfast tasted better than any meal you've ever eaten.
And by breakfast, I mean sex with an 18-year-old dark-haired, light-eyed hottie.
5 comments:
You sure she was 18?
I didn't verify it, but she said her birthday was Sept. 4th. Fresh off the boat.
That is conceivably the funniest post yet. I will walk around all day laughing to myself just from reading that. You may want to invest in a ID swiper, similar to what they have at liquor stores.
i want pictures. 18 year olds are into that shit too...there will never be any repercussions b/c they know it will last forever. hook us up.
so when you say all you could think of was the snu snu episode, does that mean this beautiful little girl was some sort of amazonian giant?
"we need rest. the spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
"I don't often say this, but you three are the most beautiful gigantic ladies I've ever laid eyes upon."
zapp brannigan is the man. and for all you futurama fans out there, a new futurama movie is coming out on dvd on november 27th. it's called bender's big score. there are another 2 or 3 coming out in 2008 i believe. they will be chopped into episodes to air on comedy central. getting the family guy treatment, and rightly so.
We're hanging out again tonight. Pictures will be taken and provided. Who delivers 10 times out of 10? E-roc. No face pics though... I'm a gentleman.
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