Ah, memories

Recommend reading this unnecessarily long piece chronicling the struggles of Northwestern basketball over the past 70 years. That is if you care about Northwestern basketball. Took me back to the days of watching repeated alley oops from Mateen Cleaves to Jason Richardson from the seventh row. Neither of whom played for the home team.

The highlight of NU basketball l from 1999-2003 was when Tavaris Hardy somehow got upstairs at NUKE, hooked up with some skank (presumably) and left a used condom behind that the room's resident found later. I can't remember who let him upstairs (anyone?) but it was hilarious. Jim Rauh was involved, I think it was his room. Now old Tavaris is an assistant coach, looking for the next Jitim Young.

The most interesting thing about NU hoops is the bizarre recruiting. It certainly isn't worth the mentioning their postseason history. Conventional wisdom says the "Cats" can't get top talent because it's an "academic" school, what with the nerds and all. But this is a stupid reason because there are plenty of other private schools in major conferences that do just fine. There probably are a few players from Chicago or Indiana that are pretty good at basketball. Eyh, whatever.

I won't even try to offer any more insights this season because a) They probably will suck b) I don't know anything about them except this guy went off against Brown earlier this week. Gunner?

This is my Milwaukee

It is entirely serious and factly. I like the part about godseed fragments.

Fake

Also, enjoy some dingers.

LIES. ALL LIES.

Here's some stuff you may find interesting while gearing up for an all out assault on Christmas. Get your mangers rigged with explosives ready, it's going to be a bloodbath this year.

George W. Bush is getting all kinds of punked (or pwned, I guess). First, world leaders at the G20 summite were all like "Down Low. Too Slow." And then Angela Merkel gave him a wedgie. Also, no one wants his memoirs.

A huge archive of photos from Life magazine are now available online through google images. Check it out here.

Want to be happy? Don't watch TV.

Also from the NYT: The best thing about the internet is it allows paranoid psychotics to meet each other and re-enforce each other delusions. That article in no way reflects the goats or its readers.

Speaking of delusions -- this morning I woke up and realized that this blog has far too many few weird pseudo-electronic music videos. So here is one that has werewolves(?) on bikes.


Somewhat related personal note: My exposure to random music videos (and thus, ability to post them here) will be drastically reduced at the end of next week, pour some out for that. I will be moving to a new place and odds are it will not be the Dan Deacon haven that I live in now. A veritable Wham City.

According to this thing, I am a doer. Which proves it to be horribly inaccurate.

Bah.

Yo ho ho, etc.

"It was like a beat-up little jalopy. I don't know what you'd call it. You didn't see it?"
"I didn't see it, boss."
"Well, keep your eyes peeled. Check who's on watch. I'll be in the sauna."

This is a direct transcript of the conversation that a captain of a Saudi supertanker had right before it was taken by pirates. Unfortunate for him and the millions of barrels of precious oil he didn't have a bilingual bond company stooge on board (apparently).

If media reports are to be believed nautical experts must beware a relatively new scourge -- Somali pirates. Apparently the country's denizens are blessed with the longest coastline in Africa, along what just happens to be one of the busiest sea-routes around: The Gulf of Aden, connecting the Red Sea and the Indian Ocean. It's a thoughtening back to various historical times such as the Vikings or the Port Royal.

Not to romanticize what is at heart an evil and bloodthirsty occupation, but pirates are great and I want to be one. You can accept Indians sinking your motherships now and again by relying on a rich cultural history. Its a simple life, robbing people on the high seas. All you need is a boat and a gun and untold riches can be yours. Of course cursed geography has a limiting affect, as all the waters here happen to be patrolled by the Coast Guard, or possibly the Fish and Wildlife commission. It would be difficult to rob some fools from an hourly-rented kayak at the local state park.

Anyway. Somalia is the place to be, except for everything that forced thousands of young men to turn to piracy. It's like a Waterworld Iraq. I read on the internet (possibly one of those links) that the pirate trade brings some $20M to the Somali city of Eyl -- a city with a budget of $15M. It's Africa's only boomtown! The Great Lakes Coast Guard better keep on its toes lest Detroit start getting some ideas.

Puppycam!

So lazy. Must watch puppies.

OK this is cool

Snuh?

Big news. Really big news. No, not the guy who killed himself by jumping into a tiger pit.

I'm referring to the interjection "Meh" finally gathering the support in literary circles that it so richly deserves, in that it has been recognized by a dictionary. Sure it's some made up dictionary that probably doesn't even exist, but still.

And no, this post doesn't really have a point. Damn you space coyote! What?

One more for the road

Heading out of town to the land of dancing Godzillas. I don't know what that means.

There's always this

Let's be honest -- you can never have enough fight scenes using elephant bones. And knees to the face.

The clip is the final fight from the classic film "The Protector" starring noted kicker Tony Jaa. It has a ludicrous plot involving protecting sacred war elephants. Still, I shed a single tear when that baby elephant gets tossed through the plate glass window.

Brutal Progress

So, uh, the economy? It sucks, don't know if you heard. Personally I had found it easy to ignore, even though I work in the news and information business. At least that was until today, when the newsroom got hit by layoffs. Granted, it was only four (although second shift is just coming in), and most were expected.

I kind of wish I had been one of those chosen for sudden termination. Unfortunately my skillful importance to antique future WEB TECHNOLOGY coupled with sub living-wage compensation means I probably have more security than just about anyone else there. Until the newspaper folds. Oh what a happy day that will be.

Seriously, crying old people. You've spent half your life at this dump, but get the fuck over it. Sure your past your prime but you'll be OK. That statement is reasonably true except for the alcoholic night editor, who has even odds to pull a Nicholas Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas" sans hooker (he didn't cry noticeably though, credit). I do actually feel bad for him -- there is not much of a job market for grizzled drunken luddites. I'd send him work ideas if he had e-mail.

Anyway, morale is low, and it won't stop raining.

You've got my back in the city

Trying to come up with something of substance by the end of the week. Til then enjoy this crazy ass video for Of Montreal's Gronlandic edit. Ha ha, few of those words make sense.

RIP

Surely by now you have heard the awful news. The world's ugliest dog died of cancer at age nine. Not exactly sure how one can be sure that this dog is the "world's ugliest" but it is certainly quite unattractive.

Still, better than being stabbed to death by a sword.

Can't us? Why yes we can

Pic unrelated

Been thinking -- realized the two biggest wins of my life have occurred in the past two weeks. Through the miracles of brain chemistry both the first Philadelphia championship in 25 years and the election of the first black president will be forever linked. And that deserves some sort of published record by goats. So let us take a look at two three word phrases whose simple optimistic elegance inspired a nation, and alternatively, a region.

For the life of me I cannot figure out how one would make "Why can't us" grammatically correct. Stupid Associated Press stylebook, where are you when I need you most? Us can! The phrase does somehow perfectly sum up the ignorant optimism that seemed to fuel the Phillies fanbase during their run to a World Series Championship. Galoots, all.

On the other hand we have "Yes we can" which will probably end up being the more important sentence fragment, for history. Yay for history. Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say here, so check out this story about a longtime White House butler. Also, look forward to the Ed Norton produced documentary about the campaign.

All this is almost enough to turn off my cynicism. But not really.

The more you know

Cleaning out the queue, Part III

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Everything's different now

I remember sitting on a couch in Madison, Wis. on election night four years ago. It was a terrible time, everything seemed to be going wrong because of George Bush and Jim Beam. But I do remember one positive from that dark night -- listening to the freshly elected Senator from Illinois offer up a different kind of politics. I remember daring to think "Obama in 2008." It seemed premature at the time. Shows what I know.

So now we live in a world where a black man can be elected president of the United States. To paraphrase Chris Rock, now black parents don't have to tell their kids that they can be anything that want to be when they grow up. Now they can just look at the president, and someday respond to such encouragement with a shrug and an eyeroll, just like white kids.

Clearly it's bigger than that. For perspective: Those of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s now have two historic points of experience. And while they are not diametrically opposed, they certainly stand in stark contrast. Everyone remembers where they were when the towers fell, and now everyone will remember night in November when the American people said "Yes we can." I'll admit it got a little dusty in my slum-cell abode last night, watching that celebration in Grant Park.

Sidenote: Kudos to John McCain, he said all the right things in his concession speech, even if hardline GOPers booed every mention of the president-elect. Stupid haters, no time for you.

The talking heads are already raving about the instant momentousness, and it's nice to think about experiencing today's equivalent of the emancipation proclamation or "I have a dream" speech or whatnot. But it's to probably too early (being less than 24 hours later and all) to start making grand comparisons like that. There's a lot of work ahead. But for now live in this moment, when millions of Americans who once gave up on the usefulness of politics and government made their voices heard.

If you're still undecided on Election Day...

Check out this video, and be sure to replay it in your mind while in the voting booth. There's no better way to determine the next leader of the free world.

World Fucking Champions

Far be it from me to correct Chase Utley.

Chris Wheeler is excited

That reaction there pretty much sums it up. Sheer madness tempered with fist pumps.

Broad street looked like the Champs Elysees last night, and there weren't even riots. Sure there was a fire here and an overturned car there, but no wanton death or destruction.

Maybe I'll write something more significant at some point, but right now its all about basking the warm glowing glow of the first Philly championship in 25 years.

WORLD SERIES WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I cannot wait for Friday's parade.

Running and Screaming

Harry Kalas ladies and gentlemen

I'll be disappointed optimistic if this doesn't turn ugly.

Ugh

What happened? I blacked out after the Rays tied it up in the top of the sixth on Monday night. Oh, the game still hasn't been finished. Makes sense in a Seligian way, which is to say it makes absolutely no sense at all. All I can think is Why? Why can't things just work out for this fanbase, for once? (Also, how)

Watching old Bud make the announcement yesterday was ... let's say frustrating. Bud Selig is not a man who is known for his public speaking ability. Or his ability to lead a major sports league. Sure he's had some success: The Wild Card, Moving the Brewers to the National League. But these minor triumphs are far outweighed by the bungling. Always with the bungling. Steroids. All-Star game ties. Canceling the World Series. This.



Granted, this was not an ideal situation for baseball -- stuck between Fox TV and mother nature. Sure moving the game's start time up an hour or two makes sense now, but then the game might have ended before the witching hour on the east coast. And it's important to carry the water for Rupert Murdoch, who I assume would turn MLB into a cricket league, or whatever balls and sticks sport they have in Australia, if Selig displeases him.

And it's also worth noting it could have been worse, like say if they called it after the fifth inning and the Phils won a tainted world series. If that happened the air of excitement that existed before Monday would have been sucked out of this town faster than you can say "God hates Philadelphia." So at least there is that.

But still, Selig, you fucking suck dude. Worse leader: Bud Selig or George W. Bush? Discuss.

What it's like

Slow news day. Can't wait for 8:30 ... Must. Not. Hyperventilate. Maybe posting something ... some slapdash odds on who will be the World Series MVP*

500,000:1 Evan Longoria or Carlos Pena
How's that 0-fer the series in the heart of your line-up treating you "Rays fans" who presumably still exist? Good?

30:1 Shane Victorino
Hasn't had the best series (at least compared to the NLDS and NLCS), but inspired possibly my best heckling moment ever. During the ninth inning on Saturday Sunday morning I yelled "It's happy hour in Hawaii, Shane!" It was appropriate at the time, being 1:30 in the morning EST. Although probably not accurate. Still.

25:1 Carl Crawford
Call this the "No Whammies" selection.

10:1 Joe Blanton
Phillies pitchers, the unheralded hitters! Making sense!

6:1 Chutley

4:1 Carlos Ruiz
I bet you didn't know that most, if not all, of Chooch's post-season batting success can be attributed to Gary "Sarge" Matthews. It's true.

3:1 Ryan Howard
He says, "Oppo bitches!" while hitting golf balls in the off-season.

1:1 Cole Hamels
OK I'm hyperventilating now. Post over.

*Written with crossed fingers, legs, and eyes. And arms folded. I actually typed this with my elbows and nose.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Can we add car surf through center city Philadelphia to that list? Because the guy doing just that to celebrate Hot "Cooch" Carl's game winning nubber early Sunday morning looked like he was having a great time. Unfortunately that guy is almost certainly dead now. A tragic life cut short.

Anyway. It's safe to say that not selling the World Series ticket was a smart move. Its going in the permanent file, even if my brain is having trouble grasping the concept of a Phillies championship being just 27 Cole Hamels' pitched outs away.

Jimmy Rollins edit: "Anything can happen when you swing a piece of wood." BAHHHHHHHHHHHH JOE BLANTON.

Heartwarming double edit: The Phils have help from the beyond the grave. Skeleton powers, etc.

Stupid liberal reality

So it seems the whole "Obama voter carves B in cheek of McCain campaign worker" narrative was a hoax. In case you don't spend all your time online, there was some 20-year-old texas girl who said some large black man robbed her at an ATM, and upon learning that she worked for the McCain campain, carved a backards "B" on her cheek like she would in a mirror. No word on why it wasn't a far more sensible O.

Normally a story like this would be properly vetted before it hit the national press (and it was, heh), but that's not the case in the magical internet world. The Drudge report reportedly busted out numerous sirens on this local story from the lesser Pittsburgh newspaper. So it instantly hit the big time, Muslim photo style. I remember talking about Drudge at Medill more than five years ago.

Here it'd be nice to make some grand point about how the rapid speed that new narratives change is good or bad, but no. Because that would likely devolve into irrelevant bitching about my job. Instead I decided to go out into the world, make some salt-of-the-earth observations and try and get some sort of narrative of my own creation. I failed, but the travels led me to the Square Bar, probably the only pure red drinking establishment within walking distance.

There I listened to some common folk talk about how Obama would halve their paycheck and the inevitable 60K jobs to rebuild our crumbling infrastructure. Then I drank some Kool-Aid and realized that electing a black president would solve all my problems with no effort. But at least I didn't mutilate myself. Ha ha cut-nut.

Will I care when this girl kills herself? Only time will tell.

Thursday filler?

So last night was great, and I'm not just talking about the latest developments on the new Knight Rider. Did you know that KITT can now transform into a pickup truck? It's true, even though that show is emblematic of everything that is wrong with America. TO THE LINKS!

If I had a car, I'd like to know how to live in it. Useful.

The Onion's done it again, somehow perfectly riffing on the ongoing Wall Street crisis.

Here is a pretty great photo essay about Barack on the campaign trail. And in the interest of equal time, here is an insider look at the highest levels of the McCain campaign.

Finally, Chinese Democracy.

The dudes, they will understand.

Here's an interesting ad campaign from across the pond. There's probably no God.

And I'll leave you with the Phillies theme song from the last time they won a World Series game. No Joe Carter.

Why can't us?

Shark Jesus is rooting for the Phillies. Are you?

Reference and reference.

Book Club: Watchmen

The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!" ... and I'll look down, and whisper "No."
-Rorschach's Journal

This one's been bouncing around the old noggin for a while now.

On first read through Watchmen, you may wonder "Where is all the action?" Sure, the Comedian gets killed right at the beginning, but otherwise it just seems like a bunch of dudes in masks talking about doomsday and conspiracies. You see the pages dwindling down. Suddenly you're at chapter 12 and it's all, what the hell just happened? Mars? Not too mention the whole pirate sub-story.

This is one of those that really rewards repeated readings, even though it has pictures. Second time through you are all like, "ohhhhhh" and slapping your forehead a bunch.

Basic plot is this: Set in an alternate version on the mid-80s where the United States won the Vietnam War, Nixon is still president and the doomsday clock is ticking ever closer to midnight -- someone is killing masked heroes (none of which have superpowers, except one). Most of said heroes have hung up their capes after some sort of registration act was passed. There are three exceptions:

The Comedian: Pretty much a badass. Deals with being a fascist evil prick by treating all of society as an elaborate joke. Unfortunately the joke ends up being on him, and not just when he shoots his unborn Vietnamese love-child.

Dr. Manhattan: Obvious play on the Manhattan Project, this big blue bastard is the only one in the book with any powers, which happen to be the god-like ability to manipulate matter and space. He's sulky.

Rorschach: The only non-government sanctioned mask still operating when the book opens. Has a propensity for right-wing literature and breaking peoples fingers. Likes beans.

Oh yeah, and there is a movie coming out next year, not sure if you heard. I would recommended to reading the book beforehand, just so you are in the know. Plus the trailer is way better if you know what's going on.


Questions
Political themes: right or left?
How does the pirate stuff relate to the rest of the book?
Does this hold up since the cold war ended?
Alan Moore: Great beard or greatest beard?

The suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked

Yes yes, the World Series is upon us. Facing off Wednesday (that's two days from now!) in the shittiest stadium in baseball are two of the biggest losers in baseball, sports, and human history.

Representing the National League, we've got my beloved Phillies. Who just happen to be notoriously terrible. My only hope for a parade is the players youthful ignorance of their team's long history of losing in hilarious ways. Also, Charlie Manuel beating the shit out of local radio personalities with his colostomy bag.

And on the American League side, there is this team called the Tampa Bay Rays, nee Devils. This is what happens when the Christians run America. You take a perfectly respectable, animal-based mascot, and turn it into something from geometry or astronomy or comic books. Why not just make their name the Tampa Bay Gamma Rays? Riddle me that, majority owner Stuart Sternberg! Oh, "A beacon that radiates throughout Tampa Bay and across the entire state of Florida." Yes a beacon that has shone bright and strong since 1998.

Fucking christ. If Tampa Bay wins this I am going to be really close to giving up on ever seeing a Philadelphia sports championship. So much bitterness. You might think one would be better off sitting back and enjoying the glory that is Victorino. After all, its been a heck of a ride this season, almost as good as the ride one of my fellow season ticket holders got from a stripper he paid over $400 dollars.

Party postponed

I don't know if any of you were actually planning on attending this, but its getting pushed back due to a variety of factors including the World Series, 15 North still inexplicably being open, and misanthropy. It will still happen someday ... like Halloween, or perhaps some Wednesday in November.

Reading is fundamental

Victory, no?

If only they still had Urbina.

Deathmatch Listoff: Filmmakers

Out of nowhere we have this here list. Harkening back to the halcyon days of July 2007. I was at the local drinking establishment and had what many of its patrons might call a moment of clarity. What better way to cleanse my troubled mental palate than a frivolous list of awesome movies. No responses necessary.

I actually attempted to write down options on my hand while sitting at happy hour, unfortunately they mostly wore off on the handlebars of my bike. But the very act of writing forced a certain level of memory. See top right. Here comes five:

Quentin Tarantino
Seen and of note: Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Kill Bill
Start it off with some stylish ultraviolence. Sure Tarantino is obnoxious as all hell, and his films are pretty derivative, but have you seen Pulp Fiction? Come on.
Also it's worth peeping the last act of Four Rooms.


Coen Brothers
Seen and of note : Big Lebowski, Fargo, O' Brother Where Art Thou, No Country For Old Men
Drawing a blank here, Barton Fink style. TMoney, write something in the comments.


Spike Lee
Seen and of note: Do the Right Thing, The Original Kings of Comedy, Inside Man
I hope Spike likes being the only black on this list. Maybe it will make up for his lack of Oscars. How Do the Right Thing didn't win something is beyond me. Maybe it was the racism.


PT Anderson
Seen and of note: Boogie Nights, There will be Blood
The second best PT in history? I can't imagine what it was like on the set for Blood. BASTARD FROM A BASKET.
And here is possibly the best ever drug deal gone bad in cinema.


Stanley Kubrick
Seen and of note: Dr. Strangelove, 2001, A Clockwork Orange, The Shining, Most of Full Metal Jacket
And end it with more of the old ultraviolence. Took advantage of the NLCS off day to watch A Clockwork Orange for the first time. Take that, Los Angeles! Watching it I realized Kubrick loves him some lines, whatever that means. Dr. Strangelove may well be my favorite film ever. Depressing!



Challenge: Which actor appears most in the films noted above? John Turturro is in three. Alternately, which has the best soundtrack?

Professional hitter

What's the over/under on number of texts sent last night with only the words "professional hitter" (professional hitler? No). I say 15,000, including two on my phone which will be saved probably forever.

Some interesting "facts" I just found via Stairs' wikipedia page:

-The Phillies are his 11th Major League team. Solid joureyman career.

-Once drove in six runs in one inning.

-He's Canadian. Broke into the majors in 1993 with the Expos as all Canadian players were required to due to what has become commonly known as the 49th parallel apartheid rule.

-He was drafted as a pitcher/shortstop.

-At one time Stairs played for Chunichi Dragons in Japan. This is their mascot.

-Noting that he didn't get 500 MLB at bats until age 29, baseball nerds Bill James and Joe Posnanski theorize that Stairs is probably a far more talented hitter than his career stats suggest. James contends, "You put him in the right park, right position early in his career ... he's going to hit a LOT of bombs." Possibly enough to be worthy of Hall of Fame consideration.

-With lines like "Stairs enjoyed a nice 2 years with the Kansas City Royals" it seems his wiki page was edited by a diehard fan. By which I mean me.

Heh. Hall of fame.

The opposite

NLCS narratives

Here we go. Let's take a look at some story lines that occur to me while I get ready to watch Game 1 -- in lieu of going to see Girl Talk at the Starlight Ballroom. Don't make me regret this you bastards!

It's been a while
Both these teams have gone some time without postseason success. Phils: The 1993 team of Dykstra, Daulton, Kruk, Schilling et al. Dodgers: Kirk Gibson and Jack Buck's call in 1988. Orel Hershiser may or may have not been involved. In fact, the Dodgers hadn't even won a postseason series since then until they beat the Cubs in the NLDS. That's what they get for leaving Brooklyn.

Note: The Phillies have also already won a series, so it's probably all gravy for either team at this point.

Black Friday
So there is some history here. Of the six times the Phillies have gone to the National League Championship, three have been against the Dodgers. Record: 1-2. One of those losses includes a three-run ninth by the Dodgers in a 6-5 game (aka black friday). The lone win came from the "wheeze kids" in 1983 starring Joe Morgan.

Lefty v. Righty
One big key to this series is going to be how well the Phillies lefthanded hitters can knock around a Dodgers staff comprised almost entirely of righthanders. If Victorino bats second the Phils first four hitters will be lefty. Of course this won't matter much if RyHo and Utley continue to hit .200 ... or will it?

LA v. Philly
I can honestly say that LA is a terrible place. I mean, homeless white people. Smog. Entourage. This not to say Philly is not awful. Just less so. At least they have public transportation -- even if you may fear for you life while standing on the platform. Builds character.

Unrelated underrated note: LA people calling Elton Brand a sellout for coming to the city of brotherly love. Seems stupid, but I'm not going to argue with the mythical "Clipper fan."

Manny being an asshole
Hey did you hear that Manny Ramirez is the best hitter in baseball? Me too. Unfortunately sources in my head say Brett Myers is going to bean him in the face during Game 2 and put him in a coma. I will be cheering. Fortunately he will come out of it in two weeks and the brain damage will turn him into even more of a true bat-swinging savant. Too late for the Dodgers though.

Death by Carrier Pigeon

Sorry for no posts this week. I have been tearing my hair out as we try to roll out a third (3rd) new Web site redesign since January '07 here at my paper. I'm pretty sure whoever is making these decisions is also in charge of the McCain campaign. Desperation.

So yeah, the usual schedule of posting goats during downtime at work has been disrupted by the lack of downtime. And Jebus knows the last thing I want to do is stare at more computer screens at home. My eyes hurt. But maybe there will be a NLCS something something something something today or tomorrow. Later.

W. T. F.

Happy Monday!

Pat the Bat, Pat

Geoff Geary: Ladykiller?

Sweet sweet NLCS. Somehow clinching is sweeter because it came within seconds of the Eagles losing to the Redskins. Meaning the fans at the football bar I was at could instantly find another bandwagon to jump on. But hey, no hangover this week!

As an aside: I'm leaning toward saying anyone who wears any kind of sports jersey on a regular basis is a complete jackass. And that includes players. It's tribal.

Anyway. Blanton's fat gives him strength.

Edit of note: Charlie Manuel refers to Burrell as "My Guy" in this article.

Sure

Voting is for suckers.

Mahalo

via Deadspin

Better than Hot Carl, I guess

The greatest walk of all times has the goats happy and full of life. Really, when a 9-pitch walk seems like the greatest thing to happen to your team in ages, things are bound to get a little wacky. Like when the diminutive best Hawaiian in the majors hits a bomb to all but send the upstart Brewers on their way home. It's almost enough to inspire some sort of weird half-assed narrative here. But not quite yet, maybe later.

Poor Brewers by the way, and not just cause they are from Milwaukee (sorry, couldn't resist). Just a little overmatched on paper, and worn down on the field from a brutal stretch run. You just get the feeling that maybe they are just happy to be there. Except for Craig Counsell, who is a robot made out of plastic and rubber.

Ha ha, Cubs

Yeah, so my enjoyment of the Phillies first playoff win in 15 years is only amplified by schadenfreude from the inevitable Cubs post-season collapse. At least they were treated to the vocal stylings of everyone's favorite living Belushi brother.

What more is there to say? It was a good game. Hamels=Good. I am collecting souvenir rally towels. Hopefully a few more before the season is over.

Where the magic happens

Well I was going to try and do some sort of NLDS Phillies-Brewers preview per Charles' request, but meh. I know it's relevant to many of your interests, so if you want something that may or may not contain facts go here, here, or even here.

Maybe there will be something tomorrow regarding the game I will be attending in six hours or so. Until then enjoy the drunken fan brawls. I know I will.



Hey look, they drink and yell in Milwaukee too. Who knew?

Fatty fat fat

In case you can't tell from that picture, those dolphins are terribly overweight. It's true. Apparently they have been snacking on increasingly-fatty mackerel, who have been slacking off and are not in fighting shape. (Mackerel are well known for their fighting ability you see). Undoubtedly the Mackerel have gotten lazy due to the increasing number of "dead zones" in the ocean, which means less competition for whatever it is that they eat. Ecology.

Anyway, dolphins:

Kinosaki Marine World in western Japan said Tuesday that all its 19 dolphins have been on a low fat diet since late August, when they started failing to hit jumping targets and keep upright while treading water.
"We were puzzled by their poor performance, then we noticed they looked rounder," said Haruo Imazu, the park spokesman.

First they were to give the dolphins liposuction, but then they realized thats stupid. So now they are on a new diet and increased exercise, which will hopefully get them back to being dol-THINS! Bahahahahaha. Gunshot.

Surreal Japanese hip-hop you say?

And yes, this is only here to push that awful picture of Prince Fielder down the page.

This is disturbing

Standing just out of frame? Ned Yost.

American Voter

Good luck!

Riding a white horse

"Hot death" would be a good way sum up the goats state of mind/body today. Coming into work still half-drunk is always a good thing. No words really, except that the bizarre craziness of 208 Audubon Manor will be documented. Not today, except to say watching selected scenes from Full Metal Jacket in reverse order is disorienting at best. Let's have a few links or something?

David Letterman has all the answers. Or none. I'm suspending all posts on presidential politics. Not really.

You know who wins at yelling? Samuel L. Jackson. Or if you prefer lists including videos to videos, here.

Earth ball

Funny comics

Whatever. Go Phillies.

Bail out THIS (motion toward crotch)

"Those rich fucks."
-Walter Sobchak

By now you've undoubtedly heard about the socialist nationalization of every financial institution in the world by Friday. It's not exactly clear what will happen if trillions of taxpayer dollars are not transferred to shifty-eyed bankers, but I am assured it will be terrible. Thousands of home foreclosures every month? Eskimo president? Random subway hammer attacks?

Some say that rushing into this poorly-vetted plan is a bad idea. To them, I say what other option is there? None. Until now. Yes that's right I have been hard at work in my slum-cell coming up with the surefire answer to this well-to-do crisis. Miller-Coors has been asked by states to abandon plans for Sparks Red -- a new version of their alcoholic energy drink enjoyed by bro-dudes everywhere. This new drink would allow collars to be popped with 40 percent more fierceness. Now? No.

Obviously this is a horrible mistake. So why not empty the treasury for something that people actually understand: Red Bull gives you wings. Imagine the advances that could be made in energy drink technology when it's combined with the full fiscal force of the American worker. I bet the national heart rate could be increased to 150 bpm, at minimum.

According to a comment I just read on Alternet, Rockstar energy drink is owned by a bunch of fascists -- namely commentator and radio host Michael Savage's son, Scott Evil. So that'd be great place to start implementing some Mussolini-style corporate government. EXTREME corporate government.

This plan would have world-wide effects, which should be not ignored or imagined. The increase in energy drink distribution and marketing alone could very well move us toward an idyllic Brawndo world of tomorrow. Picture thousands of crates of Crunk Juice air-dropped to needy Africans. Not to mention the increased productivity of bridge builders.

Now there will be naysayers. Wah wah, population growth. While the negative health effects of these fluorescent liquids are still hotly debated by scientists, I have a sneaking suspicion chemical sugar water may be bad for the cardiovascular or reproductive systems. Meaning more people would die sooner and also less babies would be born. Still. Better than the alternative.

Another video

Yes, the goats have been slacking/lazy over the past week or so. Sue me.

Merciful Friday

"When I used go out I would know everyone that I saw.
Now I go out alone if I go out at all."
-The Walkmen

Whew. It's been a long week and I am tired (of these motherfucking snakes). Just couldn't shake the eagles hangover, at all. Not to mention a bunch of work BULLSHIT that I don't really want to get into. It's stupid and boring and has been summed up here under different circumstances.

But yeah, this week was crazy in the news. Let's take a look back and see what's best to ignore.

FINANCIAL MELTDOWN!
The other shoe is finally dropping on the old "let's give out adjustable rate home loans to everyone with shitty credit, and then sell their debt up the ladder until it pervades the entire financial industry" strategy. Genius. I mean, how could that possibly fail? But it did and now China will soon own the entire country. Either that or magic fairy's will make it all vanish. This is why I don't have a 401k and invest all my savings in souvenir talking fish. Now that is a growth industry.
Ignorability: High, until the 400% inflation

PALIN HAXORSED!
Yes please /b/tards, give the McCain campaign more ammunition with which to play the victim card. Boo hoo, some one hacked into a free online e-mail account being used for state business. Surely no one could ever guess that super secret password, "popcorn." Anonymous needs to go back to harmless pursuits like supporting Ron Paul and holding anti-scientology rallies. Besides, doesn't the NSA already read everyone's e-mails?
Ignorability: Would be high, if not for the hilarity

PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
A Florida judge ruled that a ban on saggy pants is unconstitutional. Finally, someone is standing up for the poor, the beltless, and those who cannot afford suspenders. Also, the ban was racist.
Ignorability: Medium

IN PHILLY, CAN'T BE NO PUNK!
The local nine are back in front in the NL East. And with the Brewers ongoing meltdown, a berth in the post-season via division or wildcard is looking more likely by the day. Praise be to Rollins!
Ignorability: Regional

LIKE IKE!
Some hurricane hit Texas. Galveston got New Orleans-itized and may or may not be washed into the sea. Frankly, I wouldn't mind if it did. Does this mean climate change is real? Of course not.
Ignorability: Extremely high


That's it, I'm going to go stab myself in the eye with a paper clip. I can bend it to get both eyes at once! Talent!

Concievably, a post

The goats escaped from their pen earlier this week. Currently local cops are hilariously chasing after them in neighboring fields. Hopefully they will soon catch them and return us to our regular posting schedule of resentment-filled rants, irony and pictures of cute ducks.

Eagles - Cowboys: This time it's marginal

Yes, yes I am going to actually attempt a live blog. Fresh off a 10-mile bike ride in the dark from Victory brewing. Let's do this thing until I get lazy/bored.

Pregame: What are the odds Kornheiser mentions the suicide of David Foster Wallace sometime tonight? You know Dennis Miller would have. See: Commencement speech.

Just saw a trailer for the Max Payne movie. Best video game movie ever? It does have Marlo Stanfield.

Fuck you start the game.

And the Cowboys start the game with one of the fundamental follies: Kicking the ball out of bounds. Birds starting at the 40. Westbrook is good.

Ok we got a commercial break, 3-0 Birds. DeSean Jackson just didn't fumble. I am already losing interest in this. It will be the most half-assed piece of garbage ever.

Let's try some sense of place. I am sitting here in my dirty ass apartment. I may upload a photo so you can see the filth in which I live. Somewhere around 2019 Ridge (for life), except only with 2 people. One of us is even moving to China! Sorry if that makes sense none but 2 of you.

ROMO RHYMES WITH HOMO

I want TO to race Usain Bolt.

Apparently I have been written into a movie called "Messengers From Hell" playing a cop named Brady Ahorn. That is not even a joke. Obviously I've completely stopped paying attention to the game. Eagles got another field goal I guess. 7-6.

Glad I'm not paying attention. 14-6 Cowboys up. Time for some wine.

13-14. Now seems as good a time as any to post this. End of October. Call for details.



And the eagles just recovered a fumble in the endzone. Clearly a good sign.

I strongly dislike Terrell Owens. 20-21. Teen Wolf is on Fuse.

This game is fucking ridiculous. As is DeSean Jackson. He's is all like, fuck you I ain't scoring. FreeDarko? He was just helping pad Westbrook's stats.

TO 's been on some myostatin treatments.

You can't touch Donovan McNabb.

I think this is over. It's nearly halftime. Enjoy Norm MacDonald.

Ka Chow

Somebody shoved a bomb up Bam Margera's ass or something so I've been running around all morning dealing with that. Look for a live blog this evening for Eagles-Cowboys. Maybe.

Nothing out of the ordinary

Hey look over there, it's a terrible column I wrote hungover about not having a car!

Here's some other stuff:

Intelligent people should look at this whenever they start hyperventilating about the latest election idiocy. It helps me at least.

Also in politics, I guess, is this twitter feed. Lack of context is the best.

Been mulling what Kurt Vonnegut book to read, any suggestions outside of Slaughterhouse Five? in the meantime there's always The Big Space Fuck.

The hell is this? Russian?

That's it, enjoy the weekend. Phillies-Brewers should be interesting. Also, football of all sorts. Later.

Breaking: Monkey Race

You know it's well-trained when it can beat a guy on a unicycle.

Meat massacre

Ah yes, one of nature's great success stories, the hot dog. This gastronomic wonder, while not exotic, is still enjoying a renaissance in ballparks across the country. Just yesterday a veritable cornucopia of these presumably meat-based foodstuffs gathered in their traditional fashion the "Dollar Dog Day." The sometimes-peaceful weenies hoped to conduct their traditional ethnic dances and possibly lynch some vienna sausages.

Unfortunately for the freedom-loving franks, knowledge of their gathering was widely disseminated by the media. Stupid elitists and their hatred of animal byproducts. Needless to say, this news meant thousands of voracious young men and women -- not one of whom weighing less than 200 pounds -- were lying in wait, camouflaging their deadly girth with assorted "jerseys." And when the time was right, they desperately crammed the innocent dogs into their gaping maws at a record pace.

Those who were there can only look back in horror and hope to someday be able to discuss the horrible tragedy in support groups. It was undoubtedly a bloodbath. And now literally tens of thousands of chaste wieners' lives have been claimed. Fortunately due to the miracle of processing, part of all these conceivably-meat products live on forever in the large intestines of those fat souls in attendance on that day. At least that's what will be told to their grandchildren.

And Again

Lazy. Enjoy Triumph.

Book Club: Master and Margarita

Bet you thought I forgot about this one didn't you? Well I did kind of. But thanks to excessive travel via bus over the past couple weeks, I finally finished this Russian bitch. Is there anything better than Soviet satire? For those (all) of you haven't read this, it's Mikael Bulgakov's re-imagining of the stories of Faust and Pontius Pilate -- as the devil comes to Moscow at a time when godless communism is all the rage.

Along with old satan comes his retinue, including a poorly-dressed choirmaster, a giant talking black cat, a naked witch, and a dude with a fang and a wall-eye. All of whom fuck with the general population in hilariously psychotic ways. I am clearly not well-versed in biblical mythology, or the Russian context that is likely necessary to fully appreciate this novel. At least that's what I gathered from reading the notes at the end of the version I have. But I was still able to pick up on some generalities.

The first most obvious is the retelling of the story of Pontius Pilate and Jesus. Obvious because it takes place in an entirely different time and place. This is kind of a novel within a novel, as it was written by the Master. I guess it is good, but once again, I lack the necessary background to fully appreciate these sections.

What I can appreciate is Behemoth, the talking black cat and all-around lovable scamp who rips off the heads of emcees. The citizens of Moscow are repeatedly driven insane by his pyromania-fueled antics. Along with his co-hort Korovyov they totally fuck with everyone at their performance of black magic at the Variety Theater. A performance which sits as the centerpiece of the first half of the novel.

One other thing I'd like to point out is that I think some of the humor here is lost in translation. There is wordplay and references to Soviet cultural artifacts all over the place. The devil only knows what is really going on.

Well there you go TMoney, put that in your syllabus and smoke it.

Sinking Sickness

Thanks Shoals for saying what I'm thinking but unable to express.

Shut up

For your possible infotainment: Here are some subjects that should get more media coverage than the illegitimate love children of vice presidential candidates children, whose father may be or may not be nicknamed "Meat." Or hurricanes that didn't destroy New Orleans.

African plane crashes

The Coen Brothers\

Chicago school protests

Google to launch web browser, announces it via webcomic

In a world ... where one man set out to make a difference ... he died due to complications from medical treatment

Helen Mirren loves the coke

And finally, anything about bacon

Good Morning

I can think of no better way to start a short week than a simulation of a giant asteroid hitting earth set to Pink Floyd. Prove me wrong.