Meat massacre

Ah yes, one of nature's great success stories, the hot dog. This gastronomic wonder, while not exotic, is still enjoying a renaissance in ballparks across the country. Just yesterday a veritable cornucopia of these presumably meat-based foodstuffs gathered in their traditional fashion the "Dollar Dog Day." The sometimes-peaceful weenies hoped to conduct their traditional ethnic dances and possibly lynch some vienna sausages.

Unfortunately for the freedom-loving franks, knowledge of their gathering was widely disseminated by the media. Stupid elitists and their hatred of animal byproducts. Needless to say, this news meant thousands of voracious young men and women -- not one of whom weighing less than 200 pounds -- were lying in wait, camouflaging their deadly girth with assorted "jerseys." And when the time was right, they desperately crammed the innocent dogs into their gaping maws at a record pace.

Those who were there can only look back in horror and hope to someday be able to discuss the horrible tragedy in support groups. It was undoubtedly a bloodbath. And now literally tens of thousands of chaste wieners' lives have been claimed. Fortunately due to the miracle of processing, part of all these conceivably-meat products live on forever in the large intestines of those fat souls in attendance on that day. At least that's what will be told to their grandchildren.