Bail out THIS (motion toward crotch)

"Those rich fucks."
-Walter Sobchak

By now you've undoubtedly heard about the socialist nationalization of every financial institution in the world by Friday. It's not exactly clear what will happen if trillions of taxpayer dollars are not transferred to shifty-eyed bankers, but I am assured it will be terrible. Thousands of home foreclosures every month? Eskimo president? Random subway hammer attacks?

Some say that rushing into this poorly-vetted plan is a bad idea. To them, I say what other option is there? None. Until now. Yes that's right I have been hard at work in my slum-cell coming up with the surefire answer to this well-to-do crisis. Miller-Coors has been asked by states to abandon plans for Sparks Red -- a new version of their alcoholic energy drink enjoyed by bro-dudes everywhere. This new drink would allow collars to be popped with 40 percent more fierceness. Now? No.

Obviously this is a horrible mistake. So why not empty the treasury for something that people actually understand: Red Bull gives you wings. Imagine the advances that could be made in energy drink technology when it's combined with the full fiscal force of the American worker. I bet the national heart rate could be increased to 150 bpm, at minimum.

According to a comment I just read on Alternet, Rockstar energy drink is owned by a bunch of fascists -- namely commentator and radio host Michael Savage's son, Scott Evil. So that'd be great place to start implementing some Mussolini-style corporate government. EXTREME corporate government.

This plan would have world-wide effects, which should be not ignored or imagined. The increase in energy drink distribution and marketing alone could very well move us toward an idyllic Brawndo world of tomorrow. Picture thousands of crates of Crunk Juice air-dropped to needy Africans. Not to mention the increased productivity of bridge builders.

Now there will be naysayers. Wah wah, population growth. While the negative health effects of these fluorescent liquids are still hotly debated by scientists, I have a sneaking suspicion chemical sugar water may be bad for the cardiovascular or reproductive systems. Meaning more people would die sooner and also less babies would be born. Still. Better than the alternative.