For some reason I was watching Saturday Night Live last weekend (Bon Jovi is dreamy!). And before I fell asleep, I saw this little digital short, which apparently are the only funny things they do on SNL anymore.
As an aside, 30 Rock is like a fictional look at SNL behind the scenes, with about 259 percent more hilarity.
So driving home from a typically riveting township planning commission meeting tonight, rocking out to some Bulls on Parade, when out of nowhere fucking cloppy the late night deer jumps out in front of my car.
Well I just fucking plowed right through the fucker and kept going. It's head hit the passenger side windshield and put a wicked crack in it. It also took off the passenger side mirror. Not too much damage other than that to the car, although I imagine the deer's seen better days. Fucking bitch.
I wanted to to post the video from Tommy Boy where the deer destroys their car, but the interweb has failed me. Fuck copyright. Fuck it right in the ear.
But then again, the search was not entirely fruitless, as I did find this newscasting brilliance.
SPOILER ALERT: The dude with the giant beard later shot the deer and ate it.
Once upon a time there was a young asiatic frenchman from Sacramento who could sling oblong spheroids great distances and with great accuracy. Many kings sought for him to lead their army's into battle, in far away lands such as Oregon State.
But nay, he said, "I must go to the lands of the Northwest, a man named Walker calls me to squire his purple-clad squadron to victory against far greater foes."
And it was such. The frenchman went east to the land of the Northwest, where he waited for his chance to prove himself in battle.
But then there was a time of great tragedy, and Walker was struck down before his time. The purple army was adrift in a sea of strife. Walker's great victories and killing of Wolverines were soon forgot, as the purple band's losses to Boilermakers and Hoosiers mounted.
But lo -- a new king rose in the land of the Northwest, a square-jawed monster determined to lift the purple warriors back to prominence through pure force of will. The square-jawed one knew he must find someone to aid him in his quest. And he saw the frenchman.
So the frenchman entered the fall of 2007 with the hopes of the entire Northwestern lands on his shoulders. Fortunately he had good warriors at his side, notably his longtime companion Tyrell the Stout.
The frenchman and his fellow purple-clad combatants successfully rebuked two enemy advances, but not without casualties. Tyrell the Stout was sent to the infirmary in a hard fought contest against a marauding Wolfpack.
So it went, as the lands of the Northwest were sacked by Blue Deviled invaders, crushed by Buckeyes and mauled by Wolverines. The square-jawed one called the frenchman into his chambers and issued him an ultimatum.
"FRENCHMAN, YOU MUST BEAT SPARTA OR I WILL EAT YOUR FACE. FORSOOTH."
"I will not fail," the frenchman replied through clenched teeth. "Even without Tyrell, we will defeat this spartan menace."
And the frenchman made it so -- setting East Lansing, Mich., ablaze as he sacked homes and raped coeds. When the carnage was completed, the frenchman retired to his meager quarters that he shared with another warrior, Mimms.
"Mimms, we have taken sparta, but a greater evil lurks on the horizon, I can sense it."
"Mmmpff," Mimms replied. Mimms wasn't known for his wisdom, or his ability to speak English.
A strange purple mist filled the room. And then a two-headed apparition appeared/
It spoke in a hollow voice, "Frenchman, you have usurped my sacred records, now I require the head of the gopher of gold."
"Who's there? Mimms is that you?"
"Noooo, tis not the tard. I am the spirit Brezac Basenok and I require penance. You have forgotten the teachings of Walker. You must slay the gopher of gold to honor your forbears. Woooo-ahhh-oooohhh." The Basenok then faded into nothingness.
Will the frenchman obtain the gopher of gold? Or lead his army to a bowl victory? Is this story going anywhere at all? Who knows? Here's Victory Right.
"This game is rigged, man. We like them little bitches on the chessboard."
-Preston "Bodie" Broadus
Sorry for not posting anything in a while. Been busy with work and "The Wire" has been on demand, which had been taking up a lot of my time. No Bubbles, don't go back to the needle! I blame Wee Bey.
Anyway. Let's light this candle.
In case you haven't heard, you can download the new Radiohead album straight from their website, and pay whatever you think is appropriate. I haven't listened to Radiohead since my copy of OK Computer was stolen by a crackhead in aught three, but the new album is enjoyable so far, especially because I bought it for $2. The RIAA sucks.
Frank Rich can bitch about 'Good Germans' all he wants, as long as I don't have to pay a war tax.
If that's not horrifying enough for you: Check this out.
awwwwwwwwwwwww
Ten million ways to die. Choose One.
Me, I'm going with the tunnel of death.
Have you heard about this new breed of internet terrorists that call themselves anonymous? It's true. It's seems they attack innocent AOL and MySpace users by hacking. "Anonymous" has even infiltrated this here fainting goats, often asking for more Philly sports masturbation. Fortunately we have local Fox affiliates blowing the lid off this secret society of websites.
So. Many. Jokes. Brain. Exploding. Like. That. Van.
That's all I got, maybe check back later for something on YOUR NORTHWESTERN WILDCATS. That is if this case of Molson is as inspirational as it refreshing.
In case you fell asleep in health class and was too busy playing tetherball to catch all the talk in elementary recess, here's a little informative clip.
A good start gone bad.
You may remember the old Powerthirst video I put up while back. Well those crazy bastards are back, and their thirst is somehow more powerful.
I wish I could shoot bear heads out of my balls, thus killing other bears.
That is, I would if I was a Buffalo Bills fan.
I don't feel like explaining myself, so here's a video.
Ha ha. Star Wars is fake.
Let's break out something in the top 50.
Brick takes the traditional "noir" movie genre and turns it on its ear by setting it in high school. It's more hard-boiled than anything that's come out since, uhhhh, let's say Chinatown.
It tells the tale of a loner named Brendan as he slowly unravels the mystery of his ex-girlfriends murder. It involves drugs, treachery, seduction and punching. Lots of punching.
The dialogue is unique -- not like anything you've heard in any movie that's come out in a long time. It's the kind of film that greatly rewards repeated viewings. Possibly while high.
Let's take a look at a clip, here's Brendan's first meeting with Dode.
Tagline: A detective story.
Plot Spoilers: Hrm, where too start. Well, Emily was pregnant ... Tug kills Dode ... that's all you're getting.
Notable Quotes:
Laura Dannon: [On the phone with Brendan] Who is this?
Brendan Frye: I won't waste your time: you don't know me.
Laura: I know everyone, and I have all the time in the world.
Brendan Frye: Ah, the folly of youth.
Laura: Do you trust me now?
Brendan: Less than when I didn't trust you before.
Brendan: [to the vice principal, played by Richard Roundtree of all people] No more of these informal chats! If you have a disciplinary issue with me, write me up or suspend me -- and I'll see you at the Parent-Teacher conference.
The Brain: Ask any dope rat where their junk sprang and they'll say they scraped it from that who scored it from this who bought it off so and after four or five connections the list always ends with the Pin. But I bet you got every rat in town together and said 'show your hands' if any of them've actually seen the Pin, you'd get a crowd of full pockets.
Brendan: I've got knives in my eyes, I'm going home sick.
The Pin: You read Tolkien?
Brendan: What?
The Pin: You know, the Hobbit books?
Brendan: Yeah.
The Pin: His descriptions of things are really good. He makes you wanna be there.
Brendan Frye: Maybe I'll just sit here and bleed at you.
Best Character: There are a lot of good choices here. Brendan is pretty obvious. Kara (played by Meagan Good) is a total piece of ass. The Pin is pretty cool, what with his love of Tolkien and van with a lamp in the back. But he lives with his mom, so I'm going to give this to Tug. The dude is simply a punching machine. He's the Pin's muscle, but then Brendan plays him like a fiddle and gets him into his corner, leading to the eventual showdown...
Another reason to see it: The fight between Brendan and Brad Bramish is one of my favorite scenes of all time. Brad Bramish is going to do what needs to get done indeed.
"You can't Hoard fun. It has no shelf life."
-Hunter S. Thompson
Congratulations to the winners of the 2007 Beard and Moustache championships.
Apparently the whole "Don't tase me bro!" thing is all deep and shit, and is a classic example of a hip catchphrase. I think my use of it falls the hip nostalgic nihilistic phase. Either that or its hilarious to see a dude get tased.
I have something in my notes for this post called "nightmare fuel" and I forget what it refers too, I think it was something specific. This is probably ill-advised, but lets see what we can turn up through a little google search ... OH GOD WHY! KILL IT NOW! Yeah that's the end of that. Stupid lack of memory.
This reporter getting hit on is fucking hilarious.
The sacrilicious nature of this site intrigues me, kinda.
Thursday night is the night for the funny on TV apparently. I thoroughly enjoyed The Office and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Also worth noting is 30 Rock, complete with Jerry Seinfeld and gratuitous plugs for his new movie. It's a shame that show is too smart to be a hit. You can watch old episodes here.
I enjoyed this story about a stubborn old woman.
That's all I got, I'm going up to central Pennsylvania to get drunk in the middle of nowhere this weekend. Wish me luck.
Yeah, about those Phillies, they kind of sucked. One game down, three to go. At least I got to go out and "cover" the fans reaction during the game. Which means I went to the bar and had a few drinks while bullshitting with random patrons.
Anyway, here's two giraffes fighting. Ha ha.
M-V-P, M-V-P, M-V-P
It's true, Victorino is the Phillies creationist Jesus. I have no idea what that means.
Also, if anyone wants to talk/be quoted in a story about the Phillies, hit me up on my cell Tuesday.
I'll have something more coherent on the Phils before Game 1.
Consider this a belated/shitty edition of the phriday philler. The last thing I want is the curse of TMoney* to ruin the Phils chances at the postseason.
The Saturday loss coupled with the Mets win has Phillies fans everywhere ringing their hands with great vigor. Suddenly the sure thing that was the Mets collapse does not seem so certain. The possibility of a the Phillies straight-up missing the playoffs (by one game again no less, I fucking called it) has everyone remembering so many failed attempts in years past. Chico Ruiz=Matt Chico. *shudder*
Ah well, best not to think about all that too much. No whammies. Here a few things I came across in the past couple days.
First, you may remember the UF "Don't tase me bro!" guy. And in the natural progression of life, somebody remixed that with MC Hammer. Of course they did.
Haha, monkeysphere. Pirate Monkey named Slappy, that's pure gold.
Remember even if your sports team loses, there is always after hours parties. That is if you aren't stuck in domestic bliss. In which case you can go shopping with your wife instead. Suckers.
OK that's it. I'm going to go root root root for the home team.
*There is no such thing as the curse of TMoney. Yet.
Back before Sam Raimi was the director of the Spider-man flicks, he was best known for his "Evil Dead" trilogy, capped off by this epic.
Granted, the production values aren't the best, I think the skeleton budget was about $600 -- which works out to about 30 cents per skeleton.
Some may call it corny, but it's also one of the most eminently watchable movies ever, evidenced by the 400 times it was watched on the ghetto VCR in college.
Here's a clip from fairly early in the film, watch for the the chainsaw and Ash's Indiana Jones-like ability to use his belt as a whip.
Tagline: Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
Plot Spoilers: Evil follows Ash to the past, where he awakens it by taking the Necronomicon or something. He leads a bunch of middle ages dudes in battle using the assortment of future technology he has in the trunk of his oldsmobile (including chemistry tesxtbooks for some reason) eventually fighting off the evil menace. Also there is an evil version of Ash leading the "deadites" who suffers death by catapult.
Best Character: Ummm, is there really a question? It's everyone's favorite S-Mart employee, Ash. Shit he is arguably one of the biggest badasses ever. The ridiculous number of one-liners he delivers would make 1980s-era Arnold Schwarzenegger blush.
Notable Quotes:
Ash: Gimme some sugar, baby.
[after shooting King Arthur's sword in half]
Ash: Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This ... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?
Sheila: But what of all those sweet words you spoke in private?
Ash: Oh that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all.
Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I've got news for you pal, you ain't leadin' but two things: Jack and shit... and Jack just left town.
Evil Ash: You'll never retrieve the Necronomicon! You'll die before ya get it!
Ash: Hey! What's that you got on your face?
Evil Ash: Huh?
[Ash throws dirt on Evil Ash's face]
Ash: [fires shotgun] Go ahead and run. Run home and cry to momma! I'm going to stay here and fight it out! Who's with me!
Arthur: Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?
Ash: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.
Skeleton: Let's get the hell out of here!
Another reason to see it: At one point the undead army is marching into battle and the skeletons are playing musical intruments made out of, get this, other skeletons! Plus, the members of the undead army die in increasingly ridiculous ways. If you have never seen a skeleton turn to the camera and scream effeminately after being lit on fire, this is your chance.
You see what happens, TMoney? You see what happens? This is what happens when I get my hopes up about the Phillies. This is what happens.
Walter Sobchak aside, it's like their playoff chances are decided by some sort of giant dice rolling down a mountain in Greenland. How will it end? We'll just have to wait and see.
Also, I am definitely rooting for the folks over at the pee your pants for the Brewers campaign.
Six games. Half a fucking dozen. That's all there is. Win 'em all and it's playoffs. This is the year?
The Padres are imploding. Thanks to my friend and yours Milton Bradley, their season is scrabbled their postseason hopes are at risk they aren't acting like hungry hungry hippos in regards to the playoffs.
Just saying, it's nice to see another team imploding. I am not in anyway assuming that the Phillies are going to make the playoffs. That would be foolish. No whammies.
Note to self: Trying to get into "Heroes" by watching the first episode of the second season with absolutely no concept of the various plotlines doesn't work, and in fact is horribly confusing.
That said, here is a video that is vaguely Halo-related, because Halo 3 comes out in about an hour and a half. Anyone want to lend me $500 so I can buy an XBox 360 and the "legendary edition" complete with helmet? No? I hate you.
Welcome to another edition of phriday philler, bitches. Hope you all enjoyed digging up your mother's corpse for the jewelry. Just keep telling yourself it's better than being married to Danny DeVito.
Did you know scientists discovered some sort of fungus living in the Chernobyl reactor this past spring that feeds on gamma radiation? I just hope they don't make it angry.
Freedarko has been keeping me wildly entertained this past week. Here's a passage from a recent post about the "stat wars":
Then, this Kirilenko situation. It's been like finding evidence of a furry dinosaur, or uncovering the tomb where Martians fell. Without resorting to any hyperbole, for there is no need for it in the hour of fulfillment: Andrei Kirilenko is the player of tomorrow. More than Garnett or Durant, he marks a turn in the game that is as material as it is conceptual or speculative.Indeed. It's also true that Kirilenko is powered by radiation and was conceived in space by two cosmonauts.
That's it for this week. Enjoy your weekend -- I'm will spend mine learning how to crank that.
