Drunken Monkeys

Earlier this week our wise president made some comments that have gained some notoriety on the tubes. His reasoned analysis of the ongoing American financial problems went like this: "Wall Street got drunk. It got drunk and now it's got a hangover." Fucking genius. Although I would say the wacky hijinks of those controlling billions of dollars in investments and whatnot would be better compared to a coke binge, right Mr. President?

Yeah. Anyway, lets look at the latest plan to right the ship -- bailing out those loveable scamps known as "Fannie" and "Freddie." It is the only logical thing to do. When these guys are being profitable it's important those profits remain in the private sector -- but any losses due to questionable management practices should be offset by garnishing the wages of all workers under 30. What are they going to do, blog about it? Suckers.

And it's also important to make sure all the top executives stay in place while these financial monoliths are propped up with tax-payer funds. After all, the CEO and board of directors have the best interests of all U.S. citizens and homeowners at heart. They have been there and understand how to best operate the company -- working hard to earn each and every one of their 7 figures a year. They only need public assistance because of the invisible hand.

Ignore those who call this the worst kind of socialized capitalism. They are merely poor suckers who don't even have the cash to invest in a 401k. They probably lied on their mortgage forms when they bought their house -- taking advantage of these benevolent lenders with their pursuit of their precious "American Dream." All Fannie and Freddie wanted to do was make a profit by helping people live beyond their means. Truly the Lord's work.

Plus supporting multi-billion dollar companies at the expense of public good is the only way to guarantee the stability of the dollar. These institutions are "too big to fail," which is so obvious it has to be true. In no way will these bailouts somehow prolong or worsen the economic downturn.

So going back to the president's comments -- what's the best way to get over a hangover? Some say sleep. Others, greasy food. But we all know the only way to truly end a hangover is to drink more. The hair of the dog, if you will. Fortunately our federal officials seem to understand this, and are taking appropriate action. And by appropriate action I mean giving away tax dollars like a drunk at a strip club.