Friday, May 28, 2010

Happy Memorial Day


I know how I'm spending my 3-day weekend!

But seriously, we need to bring the Jesus back into memorial day. Specifically by getting crunk for him. I know its important to celebrate dead veterans, and the still living veterans who are merely dead inside thanks to the horrific atrocities they were witness to and probably committed. But whither Christ? There's a guy who should have a day dedicated specifically to remembering him and the things he did everyday for yuks.

Sidenote: Wishing people a "happy memorial day" is a fun way to see if they are paying attention/are prescriptive.

In conclusion, this video.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

And that was the end of that chapter


One thing that kind of pisses me off about the way media and culture is disseminated these days is the instant judging of everything. So many voices, screaming into the internet ether, "Listen to me and value my thoughts on this thing that I just watched on television!" or something to that effect. Opinions are like assholes. And yes I get the hypocrisy in posting these sentiments on a little-read blog. This is my reason for not putting anything up about the Lost series finale until now.

I read something somewhere sometime that said how the internet's instant processing of cultural ephemera actually diminishes the ephemera's already short shelf-life. Which makes a certain kind of basic sense. Like, the more people talk and rehash and consider something now, the less need there will be to think about it later. Participation value was involved somehow. Oh right, it was on Mark Cuban's blog. So congrats, Lostophiles, with your high participation you are reducing the need for anyone to consider this show in the future. Thank god.

Quick summary: I laughed, I cried, I shook my head in quiet bewilderment. I said various things in a Desmond accent, brutha. I watched Jack attack Locke with a flying knee-punch of some sort which was clearly the best moment in the entire series (spoiler!).


One thing I sorta liked was how it sorta came together, in a forced deux ex machina way. As my roommate pointed out: The series opened with a tight shot of Jack opening his eye, and ended with the same shot, except this time, he closed the eye. The producers (or as I refer to them in my mind, Carldamon Lindecuse) had that shit planned from the start. At least those two shots with Jack's eye. That symbolism is gold! The rest was made up as they went along, especially the numerous exploding boats. But those who watched the two-hour recap/masturbathon beforehand surely knew what parts were important, especially when those same things were flashed to in each alterna-character's remembrance scene. Guh.

Which brings us to what I think actually happened in the end? They are all dead in the church, moving on to the next life, which may or may not be bathed in golden light. The entire flash-sideways universe was created by the castaways as a way to reunite in death or whatever. Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of quantum mechanics can tell you that when the most important events of people' lives occur on an electro-magical island, they will join each other in the afterlife, and also return to how they looked at that time. Either that, or it was all a dog's dream (suspect the dog). Also, Jacob was a gnostic archon.

Oh and one more thing: Much has been made about how the characters names in this show are so clever, in that they are the same names as various philosophers and scientists and shit from the past, eg John Locke, Faraday, etc. Which is all well and good, but if you really want to get into some crazy shit with names, read some postmodern (sorry Sean!) books. edit: The argument could be made that this is a very postmodern show (for lack of a better term) because the references and easter eggs go far beyond just the names of characters. Less concerned with plot, etc.

Friday, May 21, 2010

What? Why? Shut up.

"Grizzly Bear and Panda Bear seem to be actually competing against real bears for google hits"

-This sentence is why I probably shouldn't read hipster runoff. The whole site is satirical (I think), but is a "subculture" that consists entirely of post-ironic apathy and high-tech digital devices worth lampooning? Still -- that site's prodigious use of the word "bro" reminds one of this other thing I just heard of the other day that's also a mixing of nausea and intrigue. Bros Icing Bros. WHY DOES THIS EXIST? OUR GENERATION IS BANKRUPT.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It's my lifelong dream



Unrelated: Celebrity Chefs totally blaze, according the the New York Times. You know its a good article because it references cocaine use in the 80s.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Cleaning out the queue, again

Haven't shoved cinematic tastes down the goats throat for a few months, so as always these are films sent to me via the mail. Good thing I don't live in this neighborhood. Putting this together is a better use of my time than watching trailers for summer movies, that's for sure? Owen Wilson is ... MARMADUKE.

Spirited Away
Oh Hayao Miyazaki, your animated films delight the imaginations of children and immature adults alike. This one is about some girl who starts working at a bathhouse for the spirit world after her parents are turned into pigs. Also there is a character called "No-Face" and dragons and these three green heads that hop around and make amusing "hut, hut, hut" noises, and a giant baby that is transformed into a rodent.

The Brothers Bloom
This is the second feature from the guy that directed Brick. Solid if not spectacular, Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo are brothers and con men on a globe-crossing scam to steal from chainsaw-juggling heiress Rachel Wiesz. It's got wacky dialogue.

Up
Another delightful children's tale, about aging and death. But! Talking dogs.

Let the Right One In
This is a kind of cult hit, about a bullied kid in Sweden who makes friends with the girl emasculated boy next door who also happens to be a vampire. Bleak and creepy and the climactic scene is out of nowhere bonkers.

Up in the Air
Maybe you heard of this one? George Clooney is a professional dude who lays people off, and basically lives in airports/hotels/planes. Pretty marginal I thought.

Trailer Park Boys
This is a Canadian television show, mockumentary-style like The Office. Ricky and Julian are the main characters who get into various white-trash type hijinks like getting shot by 7-year-olds and drinking and doing drugs constantly.

Nashville
I seriously spent the last half-hour scouring the internet in vain for picture of Jeff Goldblum's character, the magic-performing Tricycle Man.. What the fuck internet, I hate you. This is an Altman film with about 10 different plotlines revolving around the country music scene and politics and whatnot.

Princess Mononoke
Another one from Miyazaki. Pig demons v. Wolf demons is a classic matchup.

Network
The prescience of this movie (Howard Beale=Glenn Beck)is both creepy and ubiquitous, in just about any mention of it anywhere, so I'm not going to rehash it. Also this is where that "rubble of banality" thing up top is from.

Black Dynamite
"Ha ha. I threw that shit before I entered the room."
Seriously, you need to fucking see this post-haste. And also click this link.

Equilibrium
This is a Matrix-ripoff with Christian Bale playing some sort of "Gun Kata" master supercop living in an dystopian future where emotion is illegal and suppressed with drugs. Only he misses a dose and starts FEELING THINGS like maybe we shouldn't senselessly execute innocent dogs. Which doesn't sit well with Taye Diggs character, being anti-dog murder. Gun Kata is a made up martial art with guns (duh).

Surfwise
Entertaining documentary about some guy that traveled around California with his wife and 8 kids in a Winnebago, raising his family off the grid as surfers. Despite this seemingly perfect upbringing some of the guy's progeny develop various problems and estrangements as adults.

Extract
Latest from Mike Judge. It's no Office Space.

Zombieland
This movie was good, but I am rapidly boring myself in putting this post together. Sorry Zombieland, no more thought for you!

True Romance


Zero Effect
Just did an image search for this and stumbled across some blog that says Tropic Thunder "ought to earn Oscar nominations for Stiller in the direction and screenwriting categories" and I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Tropic Thunder was funny yeah, but that is absurd and a reminder of the futility of writing for the Internet, because everyone has an opinion and most of them are wrong. Which is to say I don't remember anything about Zero Effect. Bill Pullman?

Moon
Good sci-fi with Sam Rockwell as an astronaut living on the moon. OR IS HE?

Funny People
I thought this was funny. Kind of underrated?

In the Loop
Simon Foster: Judy and I thought I could row back on Question Time, tonight
Malcolm Tucker: You're not going on Question Time tonight, you've been disinvited
Simon Foster: We've been prepping Question Time!
Judy: Why wasn't I told about this?
Malcolm Tucker: Why the fuck would I tell you about it? I've just told you to fuck off twice yet you're still here?
Judy: You should tell me about it as it's a scheduled media appearance by a member of this department and therefore it falls well within my purview!
Malcolm Tucker: Within your 'purview'? Where do you think you are, some fucking regency costume drama? This is a government department, not some fucking Jane fucking Austen novel! Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up your shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
Judy: Your swearing does not impress me. My husband works for Tower Hamlets and believe me those kids make you sound like... Angela Lansbury!
Malcolm Tucker: [to Simon] She's married? Poor bastard.

District 9
Apartheid allegory with shrimp aliens.

That's it. Fuck you and fuck this post.
No sorry, I didn't mean that. What I meant to type was fuck you and fuck this post. Dammit.

Monday, May 17, 2010

RIP Dio


In this time of great loss, please spare a moment to put presumably the the Philadelphia area's, nay, the world's most important Dio fan in your thoughts. I'm talking about Pat Burrell of course, because "Holy Diver" was his walking-to-the-plate music. This did more for the regional popularity of "Murray" the demon-monster than anything else ever. As if you didn't already know that.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This is the stuff that dreams are made of


Here's some news you can use: The Europa League final is today, according to poorly translated websites that I have been searching in attempts to find out when it happens (now?) and if it is on television or streaming anywhere. ESPN Pacific Rim! The Europa League! It's like the Champions League except mediocre. Fulham or Atletico Madrid to be crowned in the Not-Quite-Champions League. A battle for the ages, it truly promises to be. The American sports equivalent of winning Europa League is like a college football team winning a second tier bowl game a weird sponsor? Or perhaps like a boy in Nazi Germany who conceals his Jewishness by joining the Hitler Youth? No?

edit: It's on GolTV, of course!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

A paragraph from the first chapter of Moby Dick

What of it, If some old hunks of a sea-captain orders me to get a broom and sweep down the decks? What does that indignity amount to, weighed, I mean, in the scales of the New Testament? Do you think archangel Gabriel thinks anything less of me, because I promptly and respectfully obey that old hunks in that instance? Who ain't a slave? Tell me that. Well, then, however the old sea-captains may order me about—however they may thump and punch me about, I have the satisfaction of knowing it is all right; that everybody else is in one way or another served in much the same way—either in a physical or metaphysical point of view, that is; and so the universal thump is passed around, and all hands should rub each other's shoulder-blades, and be content.
-posted because old hunks of sea-captain ordered it so.
Now this is happening. I was going to do a book club type post with "actual thought expressed on a blog" and "asking for input on what might be a good follow-up book for Infinite Jest" but fuck man quoting Melville is way easier and less productive. Plus Inherent Vice was a good follow-up (Pynchon-lite!), and finishing IJ has cleared fears of other intimidating reads, besides the bible, probably.

Anyway, here is a tangible highlight of said post as it existed in my brain.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Breaking News: This video exists


Vomit a wedding? That's just absurd.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

This is gonna be the best movie based on a fake trailer in another movie ever


Lapitas! Lindsay Lohan as a murderous Nun! Robert de Niro for some reason! Chain gun attached to a motorcycle!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Here's an idea for a project


It's called "Jane and Jane" and the two primary characters are dumpy, post-menopausal women who work in an office. The narrative arc consists entirely of our two characters transferring calls back and forth between each other in a spiraling nightmare of whiny bewilderment and confusion. It ends with an off-screen voice screaming "For the love of God will you shut the fuck up." Either that or a hail of bullets. In no way is this based on real events.

Monday, May 03, 2010

Charlie Brooker is killing it

As evidence: This video from at least a year ago.


Possibly related: I did not hear about this "bomb scare" in New York on Saturday night until this morning while catching up on the weekend headlines for work. Maybe you didn't either? I was so close to it (via geography) all weekend, yet nary a peep. So yeah, New Yorkers don't give a fuck about there possibly being a fireball in Times Square. At least the ones who hang chairs from the walls as an interior design choice (more on that later).

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Input requested?

I'm high-tailing it out of town Saturday, to the New York, despite/because of various events slash party type things that are happening around here. To avoid them. Plus, if you have the opportunity to visit a city that smells very much like garbage the first weekend of the year that the temperature could creep into the 90s, you gotta do it ho ho!

I am considering going to the Tribeca Film Festival while there, because I like movies, and why not? These are the options of what to see, based on time restraints:Metropia, Freakonomics, Spork, or The Trotsky. Any advice? Thoughts? Concerns? There is everything from animated Swedish sci-fi noir to hermaphroditic outcasts redeemed through booty-poppin' dance moves to the reincarnations of legendary Communist leaders to examinations of corruption in sumo wrestling. Also there's this one that says mature audiences only, which intrigues me of course.

To difficult for me to decide really, I'll probably just bike around Central Park a bunch in leiu of picking one(Vidal Sassoon The Movie?). But hey please offer your opinion on what I should do, so I can dismiss and ridicule it when I get back and put something up here about whatever the hell happens this weekend. This is participatory journalism! Plus if anything goes terribly wrong then I can look at your not-so-sage-in-retrospect advice and pass the buck on consequences of my actions.

Don't listen to me BTW


After I wrote that post below, which may or may not have made salient points about valuing one's entertainment-viewing experience and not wasting time on drivel, I spent much of the afternoon watching this video. It's disturbing, yet I can't look away. Does it really need to be nearly seven minutes long? Probably not! The baby's legs are like rubber!

No accounting for taste


A couple weekends back I was at a collegiate-style "house party" at my house, and someone put on Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA" and I had no fucking clue what it was. My fellow party-goers incredulity could have been embarrassing (FOR THEM) when I asked "Who sings this song?" but I saved face by mumbling something about not listening to popular music, doing 3 or 4 shots of spiced rum in succession and then going outside and smashing wicker furniture in the street.

Interpersonal skills aside, this little episode made several things clear. Let's not focus on those, and instead get into murky thoughts on high v. low culture. Perhaps they will become less murky via this post? Doubtful. Most of the widely-disseminated shit this days is just that. How much thought does watching 'Dancing with the Stars' require? Seriously, I'm asking. How about a little fucking nuance, Tom Bergeron. With near infinite entertainment options these days, its like important to not waste to much time on brainless observing.



I think this is why a show like Lost has some appeal (you knew I'd get there eventually). A lot of it is obvious and stupid and fun to mock, but at least there are obscure parallels between threads of storyline and whatnot. There is some attempt to examine the big questions -- fate v. free will, good v. evil and the like. Sawyer's pretty much a nihilist, which is cool for him. These are some of the reasons why you can't dismiss arguments that Lost is the best show ever on network television out of hand, even though the argument is provably wrong.

The point I may or may not be making is that culture that makes you think=good, brainless tedium=bad. Talk about burying the lead. And also that what is popular is the tedium, because people are dumb. Oh yeah, this post is really coming together now. Elitism and misanthropy, two personality traits I often hide/express via smashing things. Of course there is also something to be said for simpler pleasures, as long as you only enjoy them ironically and or via schadenfreude or they are made by Pixar.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Things I don't care for/about today

Polls
Televised dancing ability
The word "dramedy"
Hockey
The Pope
Icelandic volcanoes, and Iceland in general probably
Snake hunting
The GUNZ R GAY stencil on the lightpost near my house
Rod Blagojevich
Skateboarders
Danielle Steel
'Spartacus' on StarZ (Oh yeah you heard me Sean)
Those clowns in Washington
Leeks
William T. Vollman in drag
The PDF file format
Making this list
7-Eleven brand premium beer at a below premium price

Mocking Creed is Highly Enjoyable

I've got 6 weeks left in Africa and I have basically written off work at this point. Most of my days involve watching pirated DVDs, reading blogs, going to the casino to play hold em, and keeping boda robert, my motorcycle taxi pre-rolled j delivery man in a job. Today I was treated to a video via Ufford's blog. Enjoy.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fireball!


As loathsome as I may find this place/the guy who cut me off and nearly killed me this morning, at least isn't Trenton, N.J. Thank you Trentonian, for providing me with a bike-rage assuaging chuckle. I especially enjoy the complete lack of context, unless the "Grade School Sex Shock" somehow caused the fireball? Perhaps turning to page "p3" for more information is implied ... even though there is no indication that isn't just a stray left there by the page designer, from this perspective. Anyway.

Monday, April 19, 2010

It runs in the family

"What have you done for feminism lately?"
-the sister, to some decked-out skank at the bar during a night this past weekend when the word party was used as a verb, repeatedly. I found it wildly hilarious. Take that, you cheese-faced bitch! In any case, my sibling's little bon mot was better received than my loud, way-to-detailed descriptions of Accomplice! probably. I don't really remember.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Backwash

See, now I'm looking at that rant from earlier this week and thinking it is embarassing. Stupid brain, so petulant. As a way of amends making, here is a video of some tubby chick grinding on a guy in a hoverround at a Phillies game.



Well. Clearly its no threesome with two black prostitutes at the same time* but I'm not going to look for anything remotely resembling that on youtube right now. Also. I was looking back in the archives for something good and Phillies related - perhaps you would be interested in it? No? Well fuck you here's stuff anyway.

Odds on World Series MVP. I was right!

This photo was something I made. Shark messiah! I forget why. Probably sad about the 10,000th loss.



Or how about this one, where I learn important life lessons about heckling white baseball players or something. Dammit, where is that one where I took a picture of a retarded Mets fan. Oh here it is.

This is way easier that trying to come up with something new, that's for sure. Plus like half the things on here in the summer months have at least some Phillies non sequitor, ie BAAHHHHHHH JOE BLANTON.

Not to say I don't have any ideas for goats bait, but I'm just lazy/hungover/busy/there's soccer on/some new Netflix just arrived/excuse du jour. Also I need someone to take pictures of me running over my phone with my bike. Using the timer option on the camera is too tricky, I've found. So for now, I'll just quote myself out of context. So meta!

Some "baseball purists" might say that fan interference ruins the sport, that the players on the field should determine the result. Pffft, gay. The real problem with this idea is that some might hesitate to part with their $7 beers. But in reality, isn't $7 a small price to pay for the respect of your peers and the broadcast television audience? If there's any genuine truth in this world, it's that everyone loves someone who disrupts a sporting event. Also if you drink half the beer first it mitigates some of the cost, without significant lessening of the projectiles soaking ability.


*Which I have been informed is every man's dream.