A soccer preview, late

Finally, the post you have all been clamoring for -- a look at the recently started Barclay's Premier League season. But seriously, I would much prefer some random english soccer game than a middling NFL contest featuring, hmm, lets say the Chicago Bears and Washington Redskins. That is a boring pile of shit game, terrible to watch. Somewhere south of the late Buick Open.

A reason for this to exist is that ESPN shows english footie matches this year, so you might actually come across one on a Saturday morning or monday afternoon, if you are unemployed. So: Servicey, with a bit of information on each team, and maybe even perspective. All that follows has been gleaned through several years of paying attention. Read it, that way if you do find yourself unexpectedly looking at fast-kicking action, it won't be as disorienting or nauseating. Also hopefully this post will be neither of those either, no promises.

One thing to understand from the outset: The bottom three teams are sent down to a lower division every year, replaced with the top three teams from there. Its like if the Kansas City Royals were in Double A. It as very real effects on the clubs, because getting sent down means losing out on the big TV money. No revenue sharing or "Socialism" for the shitty teams here. Onwards.

Manchester United - After winning the league the past two seasons, lost millionaire playboy and hooker-aficionado Cristiano Ronaldo, who went to Spain. Boo-Fucking-Hoo. They do still have Wayne Rooney, who often looks like he is cursing with a cockney accent.

Arsenal - These french fucks. Anecdotal evidence says Arsenal are a popular choice as a team to support here in the states. The "Gunners" are known for their intricate play, ie if you want to see 20 passes strung together without a shot, this might be the team to watch. Disclaimer: Have scored 10 goals in their two games this year.

Chelsea - A machine, whether or not they are well-oiled is the question. Notable players include the two sulkiest forwards who ever sulked -- Frenchman Nicolas Anelka and Ivory Coastian(?) Didier Drogba. Also midfielder "Fat" Frank Lampard is a beast who rarely makes a bad touch. They are the favorites to win the league this year.

Liverpool - Their fans are called "Scousers" which has no meaning as far as I am concerned and I am not looking it up. One of the "Big 4" also including Chelsea, ManU, and Arsenal. This is because these teams always win. The "King of the Scousers" is Steven Gerrard, because he is arguably Englands best individual player and is from Liverpool.

Everton - They've got Tim Howard, American, in goal. He is one of the best in the world according to some. Also this is the other team from Liverpool. When two teams from the same city play each other in soccer, its called a derby (pronounced darby). Thus, when Liverpool plays Everton, its called the "Mersyside Darby." Riveting stuff.

Aston Villa - I followed this team last year a bit as they got off to a good start and then completely fell apart down the stretch. They are young and talented but not very deep. Every year a storyline is whatever non big four team has a chance to finish in the top four and thus qualify for the European champions league.

West Ham United - This is kind of a middle ground team, not bad but not particularly good either. Based somewhere in London, which has 5 of the league's 20 teams, the "Hammers" are a good example of the ingenuity of the various nicknames these teams get. Or not.

Burnley - They were just promoted to the top league and already beat Manchester United, which will in all likelyhood be the high point of their season.

Wolverhampton - Another team that was promoted this year and who the fuck knows who they are. I vaguely remember something about the team being offensive minded, which means they will be losing a lot of games probably. They go by "wolves" shockingly.

Tottenham - London-based squad that never seems to reach its potential. Fortunately they signed forward Peter Crouch (pictured up top) to come off the bench. Undoubtedly because of Crouch's presence, they have gotten off to a strong start.

Portsmouth - Probably the worst team in the league.

Wigan Athletic - This is another "meh" team. Not really much to say about them. Got curb-stomped by Manchester United over the weekend, which is about par for the course.

Stoke City - All I know is that they have a "good defense" highlighted by this guy who is on my fantasy team. Yeah, I'm in a fantasy English Premier League, uh, league, want to fight about it?

Sunderland - This is in Northern England. Can you tell I am getting bored with this? Speaking of which ...

Birmingham City - Meh. All these teams are boring, instead go read Tom Oatmeal.

Blackburn - This is the last team to win a league title outside of the big four, which happened in 1994.

Hull City - Against all odds they survived in the top league last year, and are back for more despite the fact that they no longer employ Dean Windass (This is an actual player). Nicknamed the Tigers presumably because of their yellow and black striped uniforms, but I like to think it is because of some Tiger related joke I can't think of right now about mauling. Also they have American forward Jozy Altidore, who got an assist on his first touch.

Bolton - They got this one guy, Matty Taylor, who scored from like 50 yards out a few times. See here and here.

Fulham - They have the best American field player in the league, ie Clint Dempsey. He scores goals, and raps.


Manchester City - Got bought by some billionaire Shiekhs who are trying buy their way to a title. I get the feeling they are the Daniel Snyder of english football. Paid off Arsenal, Aston Villa, Manchester United, Blackburn, and Chelsea for a shitload of talent, who I will not name. It will be interesting to see how it all fits together but even money says this team will scare people by season's end, which is in May.

That's it. Questions? Comments? Complaints?