Shut up, Kerouac

We're road tripping out to Pittsburgh tomorrow to watch the Phillies-Pirates, which means nothing here for the rest of the week. Although I guess you all could continue to discuss health care in the comments of the post from yesterday. Which was unexpected.

But on the subject of road trips -- one of my favorite things to brag about is the long drives I've done. It's kind of odd, I guess, to be proud of driving through numerous states consecutively. Crossing the great plains while the sun comes up is an ethereal experience, something that makes you feel alive and real until a McDonalds breakfast destroys it.

I try to boast about my transportation endurance at family gatherings, because the subject of travel is ever present thanks to our geographic all over the placeness. But the Pater familias always brings up "driving to Alaska" or "traveling around the lower 48 on a Greyhound Bus with a broken foot" which on the surface are more impressive. No one denies this. But that shit happened back in the 70s, so whatever, meaningless.

Here are my all-time drives. Only two are included from the post-grad Road Trip in which myself and two others put 7500 miles on a Hyundai in just over 3 weeks. That was pretty intense, one of the guys was named "Ved."

Chicago to Big Sky Montana - 18 hours (?)
I don't remember how long this actually took, because of the drugs. Being high can be helpful on long drives. But don't ever go through North Dakota, its terribleness cannot be underestimated, or described even.

Glacier National Park to Redwood National Park - 20 hours
Anyone who has something against the interstate highway system should try this one. There is no direct route. But Portland is beautiful when passed fast at dusk.

Denver to Chicago - 15 hours
One way to get out of a speeding ticket is pop out of your rental car with the wild-eyed mania and stiff, stumbly gait that only comes from 15 straight hours driving solo with all your worldly possessions stuffed into the back seat. (Another is to be holding a cat with a urinary infection on a leash next to you in the passenger seat). The ability to instill pity in cops is a great asset.

Las Vegas to Chicago - 26 hours
You really haven't lived until you have to decide who has to drive at 3 a.m. (local Utah time) when everyone is so exhausted they can hardly stand thanks to the 3 previous nights spent in Vegas, gambling away remaining gas money. And there are still 4 state borders to cross. I eventually did it, because fuck sleeping in the car in a gas station parking lot.

Madison to Philadelphia - 15 hours driving, 30 on road
This one is only notable because it occurred during a brutal snowstorm. So bad in fact that I slept in my car in a rest area, only to find an early-bird trucker had gotten stuck on the ice-covered on-ramp, thus blocking the exit for everyone. Being trapped for hours in Ohio is a harrowing ordeal, I barely escaped with my sanity.